Divorce Counseling For Children

Divorce rates in America may have declined over the past decade, but many marriages end in divorce. However, although divorce is not often enjoyable, it may be the best choice for both partners and any children they have together.   

The idea that an unhappy couple should stay together for the benefit of their kids can be a harmful myth, as trying to make a marriage work when it is unhealthy may do more harm than good. Younger children in such situations could witness a toxic, abusive, or otherwise unhealthy relationship, which may become their idea of what a positive romantic relationship or marriage “should” look like. It may also tell them that they shouldn’t prioritize their needs or wants in future relationships as adults.

While divorce can be complicated and elicit intense emotions from everyone involved, whether a partner, toddler, or older child, it is a form of life transition. Divorce does not necessarily have to destroy a family—it can become a process of remaking a family, potentially into a happier and healthier unit.

How therapy can help

How does divorce affect children?

Even if your child is mentally healthy and you and your former spouse work together to create as smooth a divorce process as possible, divorce can be a significant transition, and helping children cope can be beneficial. Divorce can sometimes have serious emotional and psychological impacts on children, which may lead to various challenges. School-age children may experience: 

• Worsened academic performance
• Earlier sexual activity
• Increased likelihood of substance use
• Mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Acting out in school or with their peers
• Damaged relationships with one or both parents
• Difficulty forming relationships with new family members, such as stepparents or stepsiblings
• Aggressive behavior or displays of anger

A divorce counselor may help children cope and provide emotional support as they navigate the adjustment period during the divorce and the new reality immediately after the divorce process, which can be the most emotionally fraught time frame for many children. They can reassure children and help them process disruptions to their former lifestyle and daily routines. 

Divorce counselors are trained in various therapeutic techniques, such as play therapy, that may help a child feel more comfortable connecting and communicating their emotions. These professionals can also provide them with coping skills for managing their complex emotions healthily and facilitate conversations within the family, potentially helping heal tensions and repair relationships. 

For blended families that may involve stepparents, stepsiblings, and half-siblings, a children’s divorce counselor may help foster a connection between children and their new family members.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

Ways to support children during and after parents' divorce

Even in situations where divorce has been determined to be the healthiest choice for the family’s overall health in the long run, initiating and completing a divorce can be intense for everyone in the family. Many parents may seek therapy themselves following divorce to address feelings ranging from low self-esteem to fear to grief and anxiety.

The thought of their family situation changing through their parents’ divorce can cause a child anxiety and stress. In addition to possible divorce counseling for your child, divorced parents may be able to help their children by understanding how to reassure them during and after the divorce process. Below are a few ways to start helping children of all ages through this difficult time in your family.  

Express love and be present 

After a divorce, let your children know that you and your ex-spouse love them, that they are still a priority in your lives, and that both former spouses will do their best to ask them what they need and be there for them—even if the family no longer lives together. 

Talk to your child about the divorce process 

Talk to your children about the logistics of divorce, such as when they will be spending time with either parent, potential changes in your child’s school, possible relocation, and potential financial insecurities. Keeping these challenges from your children may cause them to be in the dark about why their lives are changing, leading them to potentially feel rejected or struggle with trust.  Parents and children can work together to give information about the process, as children of divorce are part of the family unit and deserve support and guidance. 

It may also be helpful to talk to a pediatrician or child psychologist about how much logistical information to discuss with your child based on age and development level. Young children may feel confused by the complexity of custody, whereas teenagers may want more of a sense of agency in determining their living situation. If you struggle to have this conversation with your children, regardless of their age, you may consider talking to them with a marriage and family therapist present. If you do not have an amicable divorce, you might consider one of the parents can show up for family therapy each week to discuss the child’s behavioral therapy journey. 

Validate their feelings 

Acknowledge all your children’s thoughts and emotions, even if those thoughts and emotions are complicated, uncomfortable, volatile, or contradictory. Allow your children to spend time with and express those feelings safely and validate them as much as you can. For example, try not to tell your child their feelings are “wrong,” “crazy,” “stupid,” or “senseless.” 

In addition to being present in your child’s life, ensure they can discuss their thoughts and emotions around the divorce with people who are not their parents, which may include other family members, school counselors, teachers, or a children’s divorce therapist.

Consider family counseling

Consider family therapy, whether that involves one parent meeting with the other parent to discuss logistics with a divorce counselor without children present or regular therapy sessions with everyone to discuss concerns as a family. 

Seeking divorce counseling for your child

Divorce can be an intense, emotional process for a family and can also present logistical challenges. For instance, if you and your former spouse take part in custody of your children, you might spend a lot of time transporting the children between residences, coordinating and communicating with your former spouse on essential parenting decisions, child support, and taking on additional responsibilities with a new partner or stepchildren. 

With the hectic scheduling that sometimes accompanies blended families, you may have difficulty taking on additional responsibilities, such as attending an in-person family therapy or divorce counseling appointment. In these cases, online counseling through a platform like BetterHelp may be a beneficial alternative. 

Research shows that online therapy benefited children and parents experiencing turbulence like divorce. Research has also demonstrated that receiving therapy online can be as effective as therapy sought through traditional in-person sessions.  Online therapy could be helpful if you are seeking mental health support for yourself or your children as your family is navigating divorce. In addition, if you opt for online couples therapy through a platform like Regain, you and your ex-spouse can talk to a therapist together from two locations.