Dear Joy: Navigating Difficult Conversations

While defensiveness can be a common way to protect yourself from real or perceived threats, it’s usually not healthy or effective. To prevent defensiveness, try to protect your boundaries, avoid taking the other person’s behavior personally, steer clear of assumptions and expectations, know your character, and stay rooted. For professional help overcoming defensiveness and developing healthier communication skills, consider scheduling a session with a licensed therapist in person or online. 

What is defensiveness?  

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), defensiveness can be defined as an aggressive or submissive behavior that occurs in response to “real or imagined threats of harm.” 

Defensiveness can be an umbrella term for various defense mechanisms a person may employ, such as avoidance, aggression, denial, regression, displacement, or projection. 

Defensiveness can arise in conversations or arguments when a person is facing a real threat or believes they are being threatened. The threat may be toward their security, sense of self, or connection with the person to whom they’re speaking, among other possibilities. 

For example, an individual may use the defense mechanism of “shutting down” and refuse to continue speaking when their partner tries to communicate their feelings. The individual might avoid conflict by ending the conversation early due to a fear of vulnerability, guilt, or the idea of losing their partner. 

In some cases, defensiveness occurs when someone believes they haven’t made a mistake, but the other person is accusing them of doing so. When threatened, insulted, or provoked, it can be challenging to remain confident in your stance and not employ a defense mechanism to protect yourself. In these cases, it may be helpful to have healthy communication strategies on hand, as well as a profound understanding of healthy boundaries. Whether a threat is real or imagined, defensiveness can be an unhealthy way to cope with emotions.

Research on healthy communication and defense mechanisms

Communication usually involves more than just words and grammar. People tend to communicate with their nonverbal language, tone, and expression alongside the words they use. Even if one is not engaging in defensive verbal language, their posture and facial expressions might show defensiveness, hostility, and other blockages to communication.

Research shows that defensive pessimism, “a strategy which involves setting low expectations in risky situations to prepare for failure,” can be ineffective in romantic relationships. This strategy was not usually associated with protective factors and often correlated with reduced relationship satisfaction and higher rates of breakups in relationships. Although there are generally fewer studies on how defensiveness may impact platonic or familial relationships, the results may be similar. 

Healthy communication can require active listening skills from both sides. Active listening typically involves the following techniques: 

• Not interrupting someone when they speak 
• Listening to understand instead of to respond 
• Taking mental notes of key points mentioned by your conversation partner 
• Repeating what was said to ensure you understood correctly 
• Finding ways to validate the individual’s emotions while understanding their feelings can be separate from what they say or how they act
• Ensuring the person is heard before moving on to talk about yourself

After actively listening to another person, it can be crucial that they do the same for you. However, this may not always happen. Still, although you cannot control someone else's behavior, you can control how you react to it.

How to prepare for a difficult conversation and engage with someone who may be triggering  

Experiencing fear, discomfort, and other challenging emotions or sensations can be natural during a conversation. Healthy communication often means sitting with those emotions and being able to separate them from how you treat or react to another person. 

However, this strategy can be challenging when a person is acting aggressively or unkindly, or if you become triggered or sense that your boundaries are being disregarded.

Avoid taking the other person’s behavior personally

Dr. Joy notes that it can be crucial not to take another person’s behavior personally. When you enter a conversation, know that how you are treated and how an individual chooses to act are not your responsibilities. Everyone in the relationship is generally responsible for choosing healthy behaviors. Although people can make mistakes, patterns of aggression, unkindness, or a lack of empathy may indicate unhealthy relationship approaches or an insecure attachment style. 

When conversing with someone who chooses to act this way or struggles with communication, it can be crucial to know you have control over your behavior in response. If you sense you want to behave defensively, it may be healthiest to set boundaries, such as taking a break from the conversation and returning to it later.

Protect your boundaries

In a conversation with someone accusing you of an action you didn’t do, you might set a boundary by making a statement like, “I can see we have different points of view about how this event happened. I can empathize with your experience, but I won’t engage in repeated conversation when I’m being accused. What is a way we can move forward healthily?” 

Boundaries may also involve stepping away from a conversation to take deep breaths and returning to it later. You might also set a boundary by saying “no” to a conversation you’re not interested in having. However, be careful to ensure you’re also making space for others to be heard and are not making assumptions about what they might say before you’ve talked to them.

Don’t go into the conversation with assumptions or expectations 

Dr. Joy recommends not going into a conversation assuming you must be defensive or closed. 

People can be unpredictable, and the person to whom you’re talking to may surprise you by being receptive and empathetic. Try to be optimistic about the conversation and see where it takes you. If challenges arise, try not to use them as proof that you were right but as a learning experience and a chance to practice setting healthier boundaries. 

Know your character 

Knowing who you are and being confident in your core traits can be vital when talking to someone with whom you might have a conflict. When you are confident in your experiences and know you can healthily communicate to the best of your ability, the way someone else treats you or communicates with you may be more obviously their own choice instead of a reflection of the blame or guilt you project onto yourself. 

If you have made a mistake and someone is coming to you to express their feelings about your behavior, knowing your character can also mean responding to them according to your morals and values. 

If you know you made a mistake, it can be best to sincerely apologize and be open to feedback. Try to validate the person’s emotions and commit to improvement in the future. Although their actions or choices do not necessarily reflect your character, you can choose to be confident in yourself by being humble and knowing when to apologize and take accountability.

Stay rooted 

Stay rooted in what you know and who you are during an emotionally heated conversation. If a person treats you unkindly and you have set a boundary, do not go back on your boundary only because they’re pressuring you to do so. Giving in to their demands may show them they can disrespect your boundaries more often. 

If you know you haven’t made a mistake, it can be ideal not to apologize or admit to having made a mistake just to get the person to stop talking about it. Instead, you might continue to set boundaries and clarify that you know who you are. The other person may remain upset, but this can be a way to take responsibility for your own emotions and experiences, which can show others that you aren’t going to give in to unhealthy or manipulative behaviors.

Consider professional support

Relationships of all types can be complicated, and healthy communication can seem easier said than done. If you’re struggling to communicate healthily, set boundaries, or know where to take a conversation, it may be prudent 

to reach out for help. Individual, family, or couples therapy can be effective ways to find support.

Benefits of online therapy 

In some cases, finding cost-effective, and convenient therapy can be challenging. If you’re having this experience, online therapy platforms like BetterHelp may be a valid alternative. Through an online platform, you can meet with a therapist who specializes in communication and relationship support strategies. In addition, you can choose a session time that fits your schedule and attend sessions via phone, video, or live chat, according to your preferences. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Research shows that online therapy can be effective. In one study, researchers examined how couples perceived an online video therapy intervention. The couples usually found it more effective than in-person treatment due to the increased sense of comfort and convenience it offered. Couples were often able to open up more easily about their challenges thanks to the perceived distance between themselves and the therapist.