Dear Joy: Recovering From A 10 Year Break Up
Dear Joy, after a 10-year relationship and a breakup, what is the best medicine to recover?
In this article we will discuss the topic of break ups and explore advice from BetterHelp therapist, Dr. Joy Berkheimer.
Experiencing a breakup or divorce after a ten-year relationship can be painful, and you’re not alone if you’re experiencing grief, sadness, and other challenging emotions. Regardless of whether you or your ex initiated the split, ten years is a significant portion of life, and it’s common to still have memories, desires, strong emotions, and unfulfilled wishes surrounding the connection. Practicing self-care, seeking social support, and avoiding maladaptive patterns may be crucial when learning to cope and move through your loss.
Holding space for your emotions after a breakup
Dr. Joy Berkheimer, LMFT, PhD, mentions the value of holding space for yourself and your feelings, understanding that what you’re going through is complex and that it’s okay to grieve. It may be helpful to validate your emotions after your loss too, such as by avoiding thoughts like, “I can’t grieve this because I initiated the breakup” or “My emotions are illogical.” It can be healthy to feel your emotions fully, as studies suggest that suppressing emotions has the potential to cause significant harm to physical and emotional health over time.
Ten years is a significant amount of time to be in a relationship, whether you were married or dating, cohabiting or living apart, caring for children or not, monogamous or polyamorous. Take time to feel what emotions come up in relation to its end. Anger, sadness, fear, disgust, worry, anxiety, relief, love, and many other emotions may arise. Try not to judge them, and instead notice how they each feel in your body. Focusing on the physical sensations accompanying your feelings may help you ground yourself when working through them. Allow yourself to cry if it helps you, as it may actually help improve mental well-being.
What does Dr. Joy recommend for getting through a breakup?
Dr. Joy also gives a few other distinct tips for healthy coping after a breakup, including the following.
Find a support system
Dr. Joy notes that it can be crucial to find and lean on a support system after a breakup. This can seem difficult in some cases, since at the end of ten years of being very close to another person, it may be tempting to isolate yourself from others. You may also have a smaller social circle now if you shared a lot of friends with your ex-partner. However, a wealth of research suggests that human connection is essential for both mental and physical health and well-being, and this may be especially true during challenging times.
Below are a few types of support systems you could consider connecting with after your loss:
- A support group for those going through a breakup or divorce
- Close family members
- Extended family members
- Close friends
- Religious or spiritual support figures
- An animal-assisted therapy center
- A social meet-up group in your area
- A hobby group, such as a rock-climbing group or art club
- A music group, such as a choir or a band
Avoid an “echo chamber”
Dr. Joy also mentions the importance of avoiding an “echo chamber” during a breakup. An echo chamber can occur when you’re spending a lot of time alone and are ruminating on your thoughts in a loop without any outside input or perspective. Maladaptive thought patterns can be common after a breakup, and you may struggle to see your situation clearly. However, repeating the same thoughts or statements to yourself can make it more difficult to cope. You might avoid this maladaptive coping mechanism by reaching out to supportive people in your life or support systems in your community. You’re not alone, and help is available to you.
If you think you might be experiencing a mental health crisis, it can be crucial to seek support from a professional like a licensed therapist or psychologist. You can also use crisis hotlines like the 988 Lifeline by calling or texting 988.
Other tips for coping with the aftermath of a breakup
You might also consider the following healthy coping mechanisms that may be helpful as you cope with a breakup after a long-term relationship.
Practice self-care
You might experience a variety of changes in reaction to the distress of a breakup. For example, you could lose your appetite, start eating differently, move to a new location, or sleep more or less, any of which could make coping with emotional symptoms more difficult. Engaging in self-care may help you regulate both your body and your mind as you go through this transition. Examples of self-care can include:
- Eating for nourishment. Eating foods high in nourishing vitamins and protein may support mental and physical well-being.
- Exercising. Exercise can be a distraction from daily stress and has also been associated with improved mental health.
- Meditating. Practicing mindfulness meditation in particular can be a helpful way to ground yourself in the present moment and sit with challenging emotions without judgment.
- Spending time with loved ones. As Dr. Joy mentioned above, it can be helpful to have family, friends, or other loved ones around to help you get through a breakup.
- Getting out in nature. Studies suggest that spending time in nature may improve mental health, so you might find it beneficial to walk around the park or take a hike.
Journal
Research suggests that expressive writing, such as journaling or writing poetry, may help reduce stress and benefit emotional well-being. After a breakup in particular, having an outlet like this to pour all your emotions, thoughts, and ideas into can be helpful. A journal can be a way for you to process what you’re going through mentally and emotionally. Plus, as you move through grief or other emotions, you can periodically look back on past entries to check your progress and remind yourself that you’re moving forward.
Engage in activities and hobbies
Engaging in activities or hobbies can be a way to distract yourself when you’re in distress or experiencing the “echo chamber” effect. Some might also have added health benefits or may present the opportunity to meet new people and expand your social circle. If you’re looking for new activities to try, you might consider drawing, painting, volunteering, taking a yoga class, joining a gym or walking club, or learning a new skill.
Try therapy
A resource many people find valuable in the aftermath of a breakup is talk therapy. A therapist may break you out of your “echo chamber,” allow you to vent openly, help you shift distorted thoughts, and share advice on healthy coping mechanisms. If you’re experiencing symptoms of a mental illness, like anxiety or depression, they can address these as well. Note, however, that you don’t need to be experiencing symptoms to benefit from therapy; virtually anyone may find value in seeking this type of support.
If you face barriers to in-person therapy, such as a lack of transportation or of nearby providers, you might explore online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp instead. You can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with from the comfort of home via phone, video, or in-app messaging, allowing you some control over how you receive support. A growing body of research suggests that online therapy may work as well as in-person therapy for addressing a variety of emotional challenges and mental health concerns.
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