Wondering How To Forget Something? Understanding Trauma And Memory

Have you ever wished you could just remove a memory from your brain? If so, you are not alone. Many of us have had negative experiences or traumatic memories that we wish we could forget. Unfortunately, it’s often not easy to forget painful memories. However, with the right support system in place, we can learn to process bad memories in a healthy way, potentially lessening their negative impact and helping us move forward. In this article, we discuss how traumatic memories can impact mental health and strategize healthy ways to process these memories and move forward. 

Understanding trauma and traumatic memories

When you think back on your life, recalling memories from your childhood and beyond, you may notice that negative memories seem to stick out more than positive memories. Even if you had a healthy childhood and think you should be able to recall plenty of good memories, you may notice that the only memories you can recall are the unpleasant ones. 

As it turns out, there is a reason for this: research shows that humans tend to have an easier time recalling negative memories because it is an evolutionary defense mechanism. When we remember bad things that have happened to us, we are more likely to avoid these things in the future. In our distant past, this ability to recall negative events could be considered a survival technique, as being able to quickly identify danger and threats was an adaptive trait that protected us from harm or death. Though this defense mechanism may have helped our species survive, at this point, remembering only negative memories may do more harm than good and impact our mental health. 

Is it possible to forget unwanted memories?

Wanting to forget difficult or traumatic life events can be natural. However, we often cannot completely remove these memories, no matter how hard we try. Despite not being able to forget unwanted memories, you may be able to learn ways to recall memories in a more positive way. The positive picture you paint can thereby lead to less stress, anxiety, and depression symptoms associated with the painful memories.

A recent study worked with 297 participants to better understand whether memories could be positively adapted. Participants were asked to recall positive aspects of a negative memory (either by writing them down or speaking about them aloud) over varying periods of time.

This research suggests that we may be able to mitigate difficult emotions surrounding specific memories by looking for “silver linings” or positive aspects of a memory. For example, say you have a lingering memory of breaking your arm. You may remember the fear you felt when you tripped and fell, the sharp pain you felt when you landed on your arm, and the anxiety of having to go to the emergency room. However, you may be able to lessen the negative feelings associated with that memory if you repeatedly think about the positive parts of the memory: for example, the ice cream you got with your friend before you fell, the jokes your ER doctor told you while trying to cheer you up, or hearing your favorite song play on the radio on the drive home from the ER. In this way, you can create new memories that are less negative or emotionally charged.

Finding positive components of a negative memory may not necessarily be easy. Nonetheless, even the smallest positive moment you can derive can be an effective way to lessen the sting of a painful memory. Below, we’ll explain more methods for healthily dealing with difficult memories.

Healthy ways to process painful memories

Although it may not be possible to completely eliminate hard memories, you may have the ability to move forward and process them in a more positive and healthy way. You can lean on loved ones for support, start journaling about your memories, or try therapeutic interventions like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and positive reframing.

Positive reframing 

As we touched on above, one way to lessen the negative feelings associated with memory is to find a way to reframe the memory in a more positive light. For example, if you find yourself dwelling on a painful breakup, it may be helpful to look for ways that this ending has brought you new opportunities to get to know yourself and think about what you do and do not want in a future partner. When we consistently search for a silver lining in a negative situation, we can reshape the way we look at the situation as a whole. Positive reframing can be done on one’s own or with the assistance of a mental health professional.

Social support 

Sometimes, difficult memories cause us to experience ongoing feelings of depression and anxiety. In these cases, leaning on friends and family can be an effective way of mitigating stress and depression, as studies show that having social support can directly lessen depression. Though social support may not fully replace tough memories, it can provide a source of comfort and encouragement as you process them.

Journaling 

For those looking to process difficult memories on their own, journaling can be a useful tool for lessening difficult emotions associated with a bad memory. For example, someone who is remembering the death of a loved one could use journaling to get their feelings down on paper, writing about the images, conversations, and emotions that come up when they think of their lost loved one. By writing your thoughts down, you may find that your mind is less fixated on the memory, and over time the negative emotions associated with the memory may begin to fade.

Therapeutic interventions 

Different types of therapy can be useful for reframing thoughts and memories, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, exposure therapy, and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). EMDR has become more popular in recent years due to its ability to help specifically with mitigating negative memories. EMDR can not only help with unpleasant memories but can help in treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms. Studies show that EMDR can be more effective than other trauma-centered treatments when it comes to lessening symptoms of PTSD, which can include flashbacks, nightmares, mood changes, and other symptoms associated with a negative memory. 

Finding support through therapy

Studies show that reminiscing on happy memories can cause physiological changes in the body that lead to increased feelings of calm and relaxation. On the contrary, thinking about negative memories can do the opposite, potentially leading to feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression.

Though it can be possible to work through hard or emotional memories on your own by journaling, meditating, or intentionally recalling positive memories, working with a therapist can also be an effective tool for coping with a traumatic event or difficult memories. You can find a type of therapy that works well for you and your needs. You may prefer group therapy, where you can discuss challenges with other individuals who are struggling with similar  things. Or you may prefer the focused attention of one-on-one, in-office therapy with a mental health professional.

For those experiencing stressful or traumatic memories, online therapy may be a good option as well. With online therapy, you receive the same high-quality treatment as you would receive from individual in-office therapy, but from the comfort of your own home. This can be especially important for those who may find it challenging to open up about traumatic events, as being at home can provide additional comfort while recounting the memory. Additionally, online therapy can be conducted in a number of ways including video calls, phone calls, or in-app messaging.

Research shows that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy. Forbes recently reviewed 17 studies that compared online therapy to traditional in-person options and found online CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to be just as effective as face-to-face CBT. Additionally, patients reported consistent levels of satisfaction between the two types of treatment.