Tips On How To Stop Enabling Grown Children

The parent-child relationship can be complicated, and as a parent or caregiver, it may be difficult to accept when your children become adults. When they were first born, you may have dedicated a significant portion of your life to ensuring their safety. It may seem that they grew in the blink of an eye and are suddenly going through adult milestones such as getting married or graduating from college. Most people have a hard time adjusting to the pain of their child moving on, and some can experience a kind of emotional neglect, feeling hurt as they watch their child navigate the world without them.

However, some parents may continue to baby their children into adulthood, which can have negative impacts on mental health. Learning to stop enabling the unhealthy behaviors of adult children can be challenging, especially when you love and care for your child. One way to cope with this challenge is to understand what enabling looks like and how to stop it. 

Why is enabling grown children unhealthy? 

It may seem that supporting your children no matter what is healthy. However, when a parent enables their child into adulthood, they may hold them back or increase their sense of entitlement. It can be expected for a parent to want to make their child's life easier or less stressful, so enabling behavior may not be intentional. However, when a child's needs are met by their parents instead of themselves, they may miss out on essential life skills.

It can be valuable for parents to understand the difference between supporting and enabling. Below are a few signs you might be enabling an adult child: 

• They live at home with you, or you pay for their living expenses, such as phone bills, car payments, or medical insurance past age 25. 
• They constantly come to you for help during "crises" or ask for financial support.
• They don't have a full-time or part-time job after graduating high school.
• You are constantly making sacrifices for them to get what they want. 
• You are overwhelmed by helping your adult child.
• You are constantly worried about doing something that will hurt or upset your adult child.

Is enabling adult children common? 

Parental enabling is common. In July 2020, 52% of US adults aged 18 to 29 lived at home with their parents, up from 47% a few months prior. While the COVID-19 pandemic significantly impacted this phenomenon, other factors were involved beforehand. 

It can be normal for a parent to want what's best for their children throughout their lifetime. Some parents are worried about their kids going their own way, wanting to shield them from hardships, regardless of age. It may be challenging to accept that your adult children can make their own life choices and decisions without guidance. You might struggle to stop seeing them as your baby. 

Some parents may struggle knowing their children may inevitably face challenges that can't be controlled. In response, they may enable the child by offering support and care. However, in the process, they may prevent their child from growing into a responsible adult who can be resilient and handle challenges independently. Moving from enabling to empowering your grown children may be more effective. 

What is enabling, and why should I stop enabling?

Let’s take a look at enabling in a romantic relationship (for comparative examples). You may have heard of the spouse of someone with a dependency justifying their usage or providing them with the substances that feed their addiction. An enabler may perform actions that seem helpful at the moment by keeping another person comfortable and reducing the chances of upset. Lacking effective communication skills that build emotional connection, they may be protecting their own feelings rather than helping their partner or themselves in the long run. 

However, these enabling behaviors may not address the core challenge or future behavior, which can lead to patterns of a person seeking support outside of themselves instead of taking steps to better their life. It may lead to emotional disconnect, and to growing problems that don’t resolve at all, or until extended family realizes what’s happening and intervenes. Parents can also partake in similar patterns with their adult children. 

Emotional consequences of enabling behavior

Enabling behavior toward children can be as debilitating as emotional neglect in some cases. By excusing, allowing, or promoting negative behaviors, you may be establishing an emotional disconnection. Most people struggle when their child is feeling hurt, but the truth is that hard times can be important learning experiences. Trying to take your child’s pain or overcompensating for past hurts by neglecting boundaries can lead to the parent feeling emotionally drained, and rob the child of personal growth opportunities. 

How enabling can affect the whole family

Enabling behaviors don’t affect only the parent and child, but can also impact family dynamics of the entire extended family. When an adult child neglects their own growth because a parent takes over, they may not build the communication skills they need to succeed in life, and may end up disconnected from other family members. Married couples can also suffer if one or both partners is enabled by a parent. They may find themselves unable to build emotional connections, and find themselves experiencing mutual feelings of resentment because their parents “take better care of them”. Positive changes can only occur when an enabled adult recognizes that they need to take responsibility for their own life. 

Cons of enabling grown children: Why is enabling harmful?

They become comfortable relying on their parents

When parents enable a child, they may choose to manage the tasks their adult children would otherwise do independently, such as laundry, cleaning, paying bills, or managing finances. By not clearly setting boundaries for what is and isn’t a parent’s responsibility from an early age, adult children may become comfortable relying on their parents. They may stay at home longer or rely on their parents for any challenging event. 

They struggle to function in the real world

As the adult ages, they're ill-equipped to handle the world around them without help from their parents. Whether 18 or 30, they may eventually be asked to enter adult life. If these adult children have been shielded by their parents from adult tasks, they may struggle to function. If their parents have always done their laundry, cooking, and cleaning, they may not know how to tend to a home. These adults may struggle to set appointments, pay bills, or apply for loans. They may not know how to go grocery shopping or cook a recipe. 

Their physical and mental health may be affected

Some parents who enable their children might not focus on teaching life skills but on supporting them through setbacks. When an adult has not learned to be independent, their mental and physical health may worsen, as they might experience anxiety when they are asked to problem-solve independently. 

Taking care of themselves can be a struggle

Children may prosper with the opportunity to try, fail, and try again. With failure can come growth and independence. The ability to take care of oneself is essential for survival. In addition, life is not guaranteed, and an adult child losing a parent after having them always available may struggle significantly to care for themselves after the loss. 

How to change enabling behaviors and stop enabling your child

Stopping the behavior by knowing it's unhealthy

To correct enabling behavior with your young adult children, it may be beneficial to understand why the behavior is unhealthy. You may want to provide instant gratification or support to your child. However, step back and think about the long-term impacts. Think about what would happen if you never taught your adult children to do their laundry, cook a meal, or drive. 

Changing behaviors can be challenging

Note that changing enabling behaviors may be challenging at first. Your adult child might push back, get upset, or believe you don't love them due to your behavior change. Practicing effective communication skills can help you establish mutual feelings of respect and help replace negative behaviors with positive ones. Remind them that you want to support them by teaching them new skills for adulthood and that you're not doing it out of a desire to be mean or take away their support system. Stick to your plan to foster your adult child's independence, but remain empathetic. It’s important to realize that you can feel connected to your child while not neglecting your own needs. 

Note that pulling back to allow independence may not mean pulling back entirely. You can find a middle ground. Your child may still benefit from speaking to you during a challenging life experience, as familial support can be essential to mental health and wellness.

Topics to discuss when creating boundaries with your grown child

When you speak to your child about your boundaries, consider discussing the following topics: 

• Each person's roles and responsibilities as part of a family unit and how these can change over time
• What you have realized about enabling, and how you want to change your own behaviors as a parent
• What you would like to teach your young adult child, and why it may be vital for them to learn these skills

Remind your child that boundaries are not the same as emotional neglect, and are not enforced to create emotional distance. In addition, you may have a hard time convincing yourself that letting your child struggle represents a sort of cold shoulder that has you feeling disconnected. Working with a therapist can help you understand the truth about your own feelings and explore the past hurts that can compel you to neglect healthy boundaries with your child.

Finding support as a parent to stop enabling behaviors

Realizing that you may be enabling your adult children may be challenging. If you want support in this journey, reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance may be beneficial. However, some parents may be too busy for in-person therapy. In these cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp can be convenient.

How to rebuild trust and independence 

Positive changes are possible with self-awareness, time, and some work. Emotional connection in family relationships can be tenuous, but an open dialogue can help. If you are the spouse of an enabling parent, you may want to seek support for marital problems that may have arisen due to a breakdown in communication skills. Relationship therapy support can help married couples reestablish emotional connection and mutual respect, while also offering avenues for positive changes in other family relationships, and helping you focus on your own growth. 

Understanding when to seek professional help

All this being said, it can be difficult to realize when you need to reach out for counseling or therapy from mental health professionals to manage the effects of emotional neglect. If you recognize that you are having trouble with enabling, but are unsure of how to proceed or find it too difficult to let your child struggle on their own, therapy can help. Married couples that experience difficulties with enabling their children may find relationship therapy effective for learning and practicing healthy communication skills between themselves and their adult children. 

Finding support through online therapy

Through an online therapy platform, you can attend sessions at a time that works for you from any location with an internet connection. In addition, you can choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions and message your therapist outside of sessions for advice. Some online platforms offer group therapy sessions, webinars, and journaling prompts, as well. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Online therapy has also been proven effective for various conditions and symptoms. In a randomized controlled trial of 324 university students with symptoms of anxiety and depression, researchers found internet-based interventions effective in building resilience, sustaining healthy coping skills, improving overall psychological well-being, and mitigating symptoms of anxiety and depression.