Why Am I Always Fighting With My Family?
Updated October 15, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Rashonda Douthit , LCSW
All families experience conflict at some point or another. Though it can stress the people involved, it's actually incredibly normal for families to fight every so often. Like all relationships, communication is a crucial aspect of preventing conflict. It's normal for families to have differences and disagreements. It's how conflict is handled in a family that determines the health and wellness of everyone involved.
You might wonder if there's anything you can do to break the cycle. In this article, we'll talk about tips for dealing with conflict in a productive way to prevent unhealthy patterns.
Parents Arguing With Each Other
It can be hard to watch your parents fight. Even if they disagree, it can still make you feel upset and even anxious. However, it's important to remember that everyone argues from time to time. Even though they're fighting, it doesn't mean they're going to get a divorce or that they'll stay mad at each other for very long. They may occasionally say things they don't mean, but more often than not, it will pass.
If it bothers you when your parents argue, consider telling them how you feel. When people are emotional, they sometimes forget to be aware of how their conflict could affect them. Though you may be nervous to tell them how you feel, it allows them to reassure you and open up a healthy dialogue. If the fighting persists, finding healthy ways to cope can be a great way to protect your mental health. This could be as simple as removing yourself from situations when you feel uncomfortable or talking about it with another adult you trust.
Arguing With Your Parents
Growing up isn't easy. Sometimes you may feel misunderstood or like your parents don't give you enough independence. If you often find yourself arguing with your parents, you need to explore where your anger is coming from. Nobody is perfect, and your parents are no exception. If you feel let down by a parent or like they aren't supportive of you, being able to talk about it with them in a calm state can help alleviate conflict in a healthy way. Bottling up your emotions can lead to more explosive arguments that are harder to work through as a family.
Sometimes it may seem like they're trying to stop you from living your life, but they may be afraid you're going to make a mistake that could hurt you in the long run. If they didn't try to protect you, then they wouldn't be very good parents, would they? Remember, your parents don't want to steal your joy or freedom. They want to make sure you won't get hurt, perhaps like they have been in the past.
Communication is key. When you talk to your parents about your feelings, you may find you're able to mend fences with them, so you get into fewer arguments. A respectful conversation will get you much closer to understanding each other. Explain how their actions made you feel, and be willing to compromise in ways that will help everyone involved feel respected and comfortable. If you don't feel safe confronting your parents about your feelings, consider speaking to a therapist, family member, or guidance counselor. By having someone who supports you in your corner, you may feel more confident and cope in healthy ways. Your safety is the number one priority.
Arguing With A Sibling
Siblings frequently fight with each other. Being close in age often increases the likelihood of arguments. For the most part, siblings learn to get along as they get older. After all, it can be difficult to be around someone all day, every day. As mentioned above, personalities clash. People can be stubborn, especially during childhood. So, it is likely you will argue with your sibling every once and a while.
It's understandable if you lose patience with your sibling when they do something that bothers you (especially if it seems to happen often). However, rather than lashing out or raising your voice, you can expect better results by approaching the situation more productively. Talk to them. Explain how much their actions bother you, and they may see things your way.
Conflict isn't fun for anyone involved. By taking the initiative to talk about your feelings productively, you allow you and your sibling to find common ground. Having a sibling that supports you can make life more enjoyable, and being able to resolve disagreements effectively can help your bond grow stronger.
Tips for Handling Anger More Constructively
In addition to sharing your feelings with your family, learning to manage your anger can help reduce fighting. In the middle of a fight, it can be tough to control your anger. However, it can help to learn more constructive ways to release that anger before you end up in a situation where you feel like you're going to explode. Thankfully, there are many expert answers to how to stay calm when angry.
One sure way to release your anger is to get active. For instance, if someone does something that angers you, leave the house and talk a walk around the block. It's much better to release that anger through exercise, so you don't release it unproductively on someone else. By moving your body and removing yourself from a stressful situation, you're giving your nervous system the chance to adjust to your emotional state. This can also prevent you from doing or saying something that you don't mean at the moment. Once you feel calmer, you'll be better able to explain your feelings productively.
If you're not the type of releasing aggressive energy, you can also try a simple meditation. Find a quiet place where you can get away from everyone and relax. Then count to ten, breathing deeply through your nose on the inhale and out through your mouth on the exhale. Focus on the sound and feeling of your breathing and try to empty your mind. After a few short minutes, you'll feel calmer and more in control.
Tips for Reducing Family Fights
If you find you've been fighting with your family a lot recently, perhaps you need some space. Next time you find yourself in a heated conversation, take a step back and attempt to collect yourself. Many arguments start because someone says something hurtful in a burst of anger. It's easier to diffuse situations when everyone has enough time and space to think before speaking. The number one way to diffuse an argument is by simply stepping back and giving yourself and your family time to calm down.
It's also important to think about context when conflict arises. For example, emotions run high on holidays or during family events. Not only is the argument likely to spiral out of control because everyone's on edge, but an argument could also ruin the day, making it an unpleasant memory for everyone. It can be hard to sit on emotions when they bubble up, but you're more likely to reach the outcome you hope for if you pick an appropriate time to have a discussion.
When you're trying to resolve an argument, try to focus more on solutions than problems. Instead of trying to win the argument, work with the other person to think about ways to prevent a similar situation from occurring in the future. A great way to think of it is, "How can we win this together and strive towards the goal of understanding each other?" This way, you think of yourself and your family member as a team, working against the argument and towards a resolution.
Removing Toxic Family Members from Your Life
Although it's healthy and normal to fight with family from time to time, there comes the point when there are no more solutions. If the relationship has turned toxic, it may be better for you to cease contact with a particular family member. Here are some signs that you may be dealing with a toxic person:
- You fight intensely and frequently.
- You avoid visiting with them whenever possible.
- They drain you with their negativity, so you're exhausted when you leave them.
- You're constantly walking on eggshells around them and worried you'll say the wrong thing.
- You feel like you're forced to be around them because of familial obligations, even though you don't want to spend time with them.
- You feel unsafe in any way when you're around them.
Of course, dealing with a toxic family member is incredibly difficult when you live with that person. That doesn't mean there aren't ways to help make the environment less toxic until you move out.
First and foremost, it's important to understand who's creating the toxic environment. A lot of people don't realize how their actions might be affecting the situation. If you want to improve things, you may need to take some responsibility for your part of the problem. If, for example, you see any of the following in yourself, you may need to reevaluate how you're treating those closest to you:
- Your friends and family are distancing themselves from you.
- You're always asking others to validate your appearance, personality, etc.
- You always want to be in control, regardless of the situation.
- You feel like you're always the victim, and you tell anyone who will listen.
- People seem unhappy to be around you.
- You tend to scream at others for the smallest things.
If any of these traits describe you, you may be struggling with some mental health disorder. Speaking with a mental health professional can help you work through it.
BetterHelp Can Help
If you need support or advice, individual or family counseling might help you get along better with your family. BetterHelp has over 4,000 licensed therapists who are ready to help you work through any issues, so you can fight less and enjoy your time with your family. You'll be matched with a counselor based on your needs and personality, and you can meet with them online from the comfort of your own home or anywhere you have an internet connection.
Below, you'll find some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing similar issues.
"Baruch has been helping me sort out issues in dealing with my elderly father, who was distant, very critical, and emotionally unavailable during my childhood and beyond. My father is currently verbally abusive to other family members in many instances and me. Baruch is wonderful. He has helped me with concrete and practical suggestions to help me deal with my father's immediate situation and a more in-depth analysis of the whys and wherefores of the past. Despite many years of difficulties with my father, he reminds me of all the positives in my adult life, which can be hard to focus on when feeling overwhelmed when dealing with crises in an elderly parent. I felt immediately at ease with Baruch at our first session. He is an amazing listener and responds with such clarity and insight. In just a few sessions, he has helped me greatly. Highly recommend!"
"Denae is a fantastic, warm-hearted counselor with much wisdom to impart. She's helped me deal with complex family and relationship issues. Ultimately, her brand of engaged listening and advice is uniquely effective for anyone needing help in life."
When multiple people live in the same household, it's unreasonable to expect them to agree on everything. Occasional arguments are normal, but it's not healthy or productive for family members to fight constantly. If you feel like you fight with your family all of the time, you may want to speak with a counselor. With the right tools, it's possible to live with your family without fighting all the time. Take the first step today.
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