How Do I Forgive When Trust Is Broken?

Updated March 5, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Trust is a crucial feature of healthy relationships. So, when someone has violated yours, it can be difficult to work through your feelings, address the situation, and forgive them. You may struggle to see them in the same light, wonder whether something similar will happen in the future, or feel too wounded to forgive. Despite these obstacles, though, there are ways you can address a breach of trust in a constructive, healthy manner. Below, we’re discussing why moving forward from a betrayal of trust can be challenging and outlining steps you can take to process your emotions, talk through the situation, and reach a place of forgiveness.

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Why forgiveness can be difficult

There are many reasons we may find it difficult to forgive after a breach of trust. One is that we often confuse forgiveness with feelings. Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. We can choose to forgive while feeling hurt, sad, disappointed, insecure, etc. Believing otherwise can cause us to believe that we must repress our feelings—or wait until they pass—in order to forgive.

Another reason it can be difficult to forgive is that we may interpret forgiveness as forgetting or acting as though the infraction never occurred. Forgiveness relieves the other person of the burden of potential negative feelings on your part, but it is not meant to excuse their behavior. In some situations, we may worry that forgiveness will allow the other person to move on without addressing the situation.

Additionally, we often find it difficult to forgive because we fear being hurt in a similar way again. We cannot control others, so there is no way for us to have complete confidence that we will not experience a similar betrayal in the future. If these challenges are making it hard for you to forgive those who have violated your trust, the below tips may help.

How to forgive after trust is broken

It’s important to note that you do not have to wait to forgive someone who has betrayed your trust. In fact, forgiveness can be the first thing you choose to do when you find out about the breach. This does not mean that you must move on without addressing the situation, though. Instead, forgiveness can be a way of relieving you of the emotional burden of hanging on to resentment and other potentially negative feelings. This may free you up to address other emotions you’re experiencing.

For many people, though, the above obstacles can stand in the way of the ability to forgive. Although it can be hard to rebuild trust after it has been violated, it is possible when you communicate, address your feelings, and take productive action. The following are steps you can take toward forgiving someone who has breached your trust.

Know what a breach of trust means to you

Understanding what a violation of trust is and how the other person’s behaviors rose to that level can be helpful. This will generally depend on the specific relationship and the exact actions taken. For example, in an open relationship with clearly defined boundaries, one partner being intimate with someone else may not itself constitute a breach of trust; but being dishonest about the situation might cross the established boundaries.

Think about the circumstances that led to the betrayal of trust. Have you set boundaries before that they did not respect? Did they know what they were doing would be considered a breach of trust? Did you play a part in the situation? Understanding why you perceive that your trust was violated can help you communicate your feelings—which we’ll discuss below—and work to resolve the conflict.

Maintain open lines of communication

Talking through your concerns with the person who has broken your trust is crucial throughout the process of repairing your relationship.

This can be the case from the beginning, when you’ve learned about the breach of trust. You may discuss the situation initially to better understand the motivations for their actions. Then, you might communicate your wishes to have some time to yourself so you can work through your feelings and determine how to proceed.

The dialogue can continue when you’re ready to learn more about what happened and talk about how it has affected your relationship. The other person may not know why their actions constituted a breach of trust. For example, if your partner was engaging in an emotional affair—in which they were emotionally intimate with another person, without being physically intimate—they might not realize that this can be a form of infidelity. Telling them why it hurts you that they went to someone else to fulfill their emotional needs can help them understand why they’ve betrayed your trust.

There are several steps you can take to facilitate effective communication as you work to rebuild trust. Knowing how to listen is a key component, helping you understand the other person clearly. When listening, try to avoid formulating a response and instead focus on comprehending their key points. Once they’ve finished speaking, you can ask clarifying questions, summarize their statements, and then respond.

Try to communicate your feelings in clear terms but avoid language that may sound accusatory. To do this, consider using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You lied to me about where you were”, consider saying, “I consider it to be dishonest when you told me ___”. This can help ensure your communication remains constructive and not antagonistic.

Process your emotions

Taking time to address your feelings regarding the breach of trust can help you be ready to forgive the other person. There are several ways you can effectively address your emotions. You may want to discuss the situation with friends or family members. Your loved ones may have perspectives on your relationship that help you understand your feelings. They can also provide emotional support if sadness, loneliness, or worry are affecting you.

Journaling can also provide an outlet for your emotions and help you let go of negativity surrounding the betrayal of trust. Research suggests that putting your thoughts and feelings on paper can help you develop a positive outlook on a stressful situation. Working with a mental health professional can also be an effective method of addressing difficult emotions.

Forgive and take next steps

Once you’ve worked through your emotions, learned more about the situation, and talked to the other person about what happened, you may be ready to forgive them. While you might want to assure them that your forgiveness is not conditional, you may also want to let them know that there is still work to be done when it comes to rebuilding the relationship. Remember that you can forgive without forgetting.

Moving forward after forgiveness may include recommitting to each other, establishing new boundaries, and addressing related conflicts that may be impacting the relationship. Additionally, if the betrayal of trust occurred in a romantic or family relationship, you may consider attending therapy. Working with a counselor can help you both better understand underlying challenges that led to the violation, improve communication, and rebuild trust.

How online therapy can help

Research suggests that online therapy can be an efficacious method of addressing different types of relationship conflict, such as tension arising out of a breach of trust. For example, researchers in one study concluded that online therapy is as effective as in-person counseling for couples experiencing relationship distress. Participants in the study reported perceive that online therapy led to a strong therapeutic alliance and an increased ability to focus on their challenges.

Rebuilding trust is possible with the right support

Connect with a licensed therapist

If you’re finding it difficult to move forward in a relationship due to a violation of trust, online therapy can help. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can address relationship concerns remotely, which can be helpful if you’re not comfortable discussing such topics in person. BetterHelp works with a team of mental health professionals who have widely varying specialties and areas of expertise, so you’ll have a good chance of matching with someone who can address your specific concerns regarding trust, forgiveness, and other common sources of relationship conflict. Continue reading for reviews of BetterHelp therapists from those who have experienced similar challenges.

Therapist reviews

“Working with Contrina is so helpful and she has been so understanding. I’m so glad I turned to her to help me with a problem that has been years in the making. She offers me the outside perspective I need to break out of a cycle of hurt and anger that is affecting me deeply. She is wise, authentic, relatable and unfailingly kind. She has challenged me and pushed my thinking. I’m grateful to work with her in such a unique and convenient way.”

“In the last 7 months or so, Lois has really helped me in reshaping my perspectives on my relationships and my involvement in them. I have seen a great deal of personal growth occur through her attention and guidance. I have been able to understand where my struggles had come from and deal with difficult ideas like blame and guilt. I’m very grateful for her time and attention and I’m confident that my personal relationships will be stronger and healthier as a result of working with Lois.”

Takeaway

It can be hard to know how to respond when we find out a loved one has breached our trust. By knowing what a violation of trust means to you, communicating effectively, and taking time to process your feelings, you can move forward from a betrayal in a healthy way. If you’d like the advice and support of a professional as you learn to forgive, consider working with a licensed therapist online. You deserve the happiness and peace of mind that can come from both forgiveness and emotional wellness.

Frequently asked questions

Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.

Can you forgive someone who betrayed your trust?

While it is possible to forgive someone who has betrayed your trust, the process can be challenging and time-consuming. Forgiving someone may be more difficult if the betrayal was recent, as individuals can often still be dealing with overwhelming feelings of insecurity, sadness, and disappointment. Anger can also be a common emotion that people feel after betrayal, and it may be difficult to discuss the situation in a reasonable manner if one is still consumed with feelings of anger. In order to address these feelings, it is often best to seek out the support of a mental health professional, like a one-on-one therapist or couples counselor.

Can you forgive after trust is broken?

It is possible to learn how to forgive someone who broke your trust, though doing so may be difficult. This process often starts by understanding how your trust was broken so you can better address the actions of the person who betrayed you. In some cases, this may involve a boundary that was set beforehand being broken. For example, you and a partner may have set a boundary that you are seeing each other exclusively, which means you only have sex with one another. If your partner were to sleep with someone else, that would mean they overstepped that boundary and broke your trust.

How do you fix someone's trust you broke?

If you have broken someone’s trust and wish to remedy the situation, it can be helpful to start by acknowledging that doing so may not be possible. In some situations, trust that is broken cannot be repaired, and you may have to live with the consequences. However, there are a few ways that you may be able to repair broken trust with a partner.

Take Responsibility: The first step to fixing most mistakes is to take responsibility. This means admitting what you’ve done, answering any questions your partner has about the situation, and acknowledging the damage your actions have resulted in.
Communicate Openly: Avoiding further betrayal in the future may be best accomplished by keeping communication open and honest. In some cases, the betrayal itself may have resulted from miscommunication or a lack of clear boundaries. By discussing these challenges with your partner, you may be able to repair broken trust and create a stronger, healthier relationship.
Consider Counseling: In some cases, the weight of a past betrayal may feel impossible for you and your partner to repair on your own. In these situations, it may be beneficial to seek the assistance of a mental health professional, like a therapist or counselor. In addition, there are specific types of therapists that are trained to address relationship challenges, like a couples therapist or marriage counselor.

Can broken trust be repaired?

In some cases, it may be possible to repair broken trust and have a good life with your partner in the future. However, doing so may be challenging, and take significant effort from all involved parties. The first step is often to address the situation directly and have the offending party take responsibility. This can help to set a foundation for your relationship repairs going forward, as betrayal often involves a significant element of dishonesty.

While this initial honesty can be helpful, it's important to remember that trust won’t come back immediately. A betrayed partner may need consistent open and honest communication paired with ample evidence of a change in behavior in order to rebuild trust. In many cases, this will mean numerous conversations about how both parties feel, an establishment of clear boundaries, and a patient mindset as the relationship mends.

Why can't I forgive betrayal?

Being unable to accept or forgive betrayal is an understandable situation that may have a number of causes. For one, research suggests that betrayal can constitute a traumatic event; this trauma may be compounded by a pre-existing condition like anxiety, depression, or PTSD.

Betrayal can also cause someone to question other elements of their lives, especially in situations where broken trust occurs in a long-term relationship. An individual who has been betrayed may look at other relationships with a sense of paranoia and distrust due to their experience, or begin to question components of themselves to determine whether they may be at fault. In these cases, it's often best to seek the help of a mental health professional, as they may be able to help address these challenges and find ways to safeguard an individual’s mental well-being.

Can you rebuild trust after betrayal?

While the process can present numerous challenges, it can be possible to rebuild trust after a betrayal. Here are a few tips that may be beneficial while repairing broken trust.

Work on Communication Skills: Miscommunication or an inability to discuss sensitive topics with a partner may be the cause of many betrayals. By taking the time to work on how you communicate, you may be able to address challenges before they grow and result in more betrayal or broken trust.
Establish or Reestablish Boundaries: Many instances of betrayal are rooted in a broken boundary. In some cases, these boundaries may not have been properly communicated beforehand. Most people find that establishing new boundaries or reestablishing old ones can serve as guidelines on how to avoid a breach of trust in the future.
Show Appreciation and Gratitude: Repairing trust can be a stressful process, and it may be difficult to act on reconciliation plans if you have forgotten what the point of your relationship was in the first place. It may be helpful to take time and tell your partner why you care for them, as this can help you both to recognize what elements of the relationship you are grateful for.

Can a relationship last if trust is broken?

While a relationship may continue after trust is broken (with some partners repairing trust through hard work and determination), it can have numerous initial and long-lasting impacts. In situations involving infidelity, research suggests that not only are affairs one of the leading causes of divorce, they can also have a significant effect on the mental well-being of all parties involved.

These effects may include an enhancement of depressive symptoms, low self-esteem, and remorse. In addition, infidelity may cause emotional and psychological dysregulation, which may mimic many of the symptoms of conditions like anxiety and depression. Individuals who have experienced infidelity may also be prone to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as risky sexual behavior or substance misuse.

Why does it hurt when trust is broken?

There are a variety of reasons that broken trust can hurt, many of which can vary based on individual experience. In some cases, broken trust or betrayal may constitute a traumatic event, and research suggests that high betrayal trauma was significantly correlated with conditions like dissociation, anxiety, and depression, in addition to a number of physical illnesses.

Experiencing broken trust can also be painful due to the way it makes us question our relationships. While a person may have previously experienced a sense of belief in the strength of their relationship, those feelings may vanish after their trust is broken. This can result in numerous consequences, including feelings of hopelessness, confusion, and loneliness.

Should I forgive them for breaking my trust?

Whether or not you choose to forgive a person for breaking your trust is entirely up to you. In most cases, you are not obligated to forgive someone who has broken your trust. However, it may be beneficial to your own mental well-being to do so, as harboring resentment in one’s life may lead to rumination or persistent negative feelings. It's important to note that forgiving someone does not mean you need to continue your relationship with them. Rather, forgiveness can function as a way to let go and begin your journey of self-healing.

What are the 7 steps to rebuild trust?

Everyone's situation is different, and what may function as a fine strategy for one couple may not work for another. However, there are some steps that may be beneficial to take in order to rebuild trust, including the following.

Take accountability, acknowledging exactly what you’ve done without omitting details in the hopes of reduced consequences.
Once you’ve taken accountability, sincerely apologize for your actions.
Listen to your partner, allowing them to express their feelings and opinions about the situation.
Answer any questions they have, being careful not to make excuses for your actions.
Talk about the big picture of your relationship, addressing what your partner needs from you moving forward and creating a clear plan for reestablishing trust.
Establish boundaries in order to determine the best ways to treat one another in the future. These don’t necessarily have to be new boundaries, as it can also be beneficial to reestablish old ones that may have been broken. This can be a vital step to not only rebuilding trust, but to prevent future betrayals.
Keep communication open from here on out, checking in regularly to see how you can actively rebuild trust with your partner.

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