Why Would You Say That? Understanding The Intent Behind Hurtful Words
The phrase “If you know how I feel, why would you say that?” gained a moment of fame on the internet after Kim Kardashian said it in an emotional conversation on her reality show. Though the meme might make you laugh, Kim’s question reveals a reality many people experience. Sometimes the people close to us say things they know will hurt our feelings. When this happens to you, how should you interpret it, and what should your response be?
People are complex, and the motivations for hurtful comments can vary. The other person could have been lashing out momentarily because of defensiveness or long-suppressed shame, and they may quickly regret it and make amends. Alternatively, their words could be part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse that may make you rethink your relationship entirely. We’ll discuss these possibilities in more depth below and give you some suggestions on how to respond.
Understanding is not excusing
Before continuing, we should clarify one thing: explaining why a person said or did something hurtful doesn’t always make it okay. Almost everyone can determine why they did something — studies have shown that many people will invent reasons, even for seemingly irrational actions. The fact that your friend, parent, partner, or coworker had a reason for hurting your feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you should simply accept it and move on.
This can be particularly important to remember in cases of emotional abuse. As the National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse notes, people who perpetuate abuse often deliberately look for opportunities to "play the victim" to make their targets feel at fault. Even if someone had a reason for trying to hurt your feelings, you can decide if you’re willing to accept their behavior.
Why do people say things they know will make you feel bad?
It is not always a sign of abuse when someone makes a hurtful comment. Perhaps the speaker wasn't aware of how sensitive a topic was for you or thought it was irrelevant at the time.
Even if they were aware of how their comments would be perceived, it could be a temporary lapse in judgment or loss of control that they may regret later. Studies of everyday aggression suggest that it’s common for people to lash out at those they know best. It is more likely that harsh words will hurt more deeply in a close relationship since the other person is more likely to care what the other person thinks.
Here are a few reasons why someone might say something hurtful to you even when they know how it will make you feel:
Defensiveness
One everyday context for hurtful remarks is in the middle of an argument. When you argue with someone over something, they may say something nasty to derail or deflect your arguments. Whether consciously or unconsciously, they could be attempting to put you on the defensive to steer the conversation away from what they’ve done wrong.
Shame or low self-esteem
Sometimes people say hurtful things in response to their feelings of hurt. Research suggests that a lack of stable self-esteem is one of the most common motivators of verbal aggression. People may say things they know will hurt you, so they can boost their self-esteem by tearing you down. If your friend, relative, or partner has insulted you, consider whether recent events may have triggered their insecurities.
Unresolved shame can be a powerful motivator of anger, especially in men. Your conversation may have reminded the person of something they feel ashamed about. It might even be something that they aren't admitting to themselves.
Avoidant emotional attachment
Psychologists have identified several different attachment styles or the patterns in which people form emotional attachments. When someone doesn’t get consistent attention, reinforcement, and support in childhood, they may develop insecure attachments, which may cause difficulties relating to others.
An avoidant attachment style could make someone fearful or suspicious of closeness, prompting them to push others away in response to increasing intimacy. If you know someone who always seems to hurt you just when you thought things were going well between you, they might have an avoidant attachment style.
Cluster B personality disorder
The American Psychological Association has defined several combinations of severely maladaptive personality traits as personality disorders. It is a mental condition in which a person’s desires, emotions, motivations, and worldview incline them toward harmful or irrational behavior. Those classified as Cluster B personality disorders are often associated with deliberate attempts to harm or manipulate other people. A person who seems to play with your emotions and hurt you intentionally might have one or more of these disorders:
- Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): These individuals tend to have an exaggerated sense of their importance and may feel justified in saying hurtful things to get your attention or responding to minor or imagined grievances.
- Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD): This condition involves a lack of empathy, a fear of consequences, and a tendency toward impulsive, destructive actions. Someone with ASPD may make others feel bad to get what they want or simply for amusement.
- Histrionic personality disorder (HPD): A person with HPD tends to exaggerate and dramatize everyday life out of a craving for attention and excitement and might cause hurt feelings out of a desire to provoke conflict.
- Borderline personality disorder (BPD): BPD involves deep ambivalence about emotional attachments, severe mood swings, and an unstable self-image. People with this condition might seek to test your attachment to them through hurtful behavior or lash out with excessive harshness when they feel hurt or abandoned.
How should you respond when someone says something they know will hurt you?
Regardless of the reasons for someone’s hurtful remarks, how you respond can affect the rest of the interaction. If you react angrily, there’s a chance that the other person will respond similarly. Research suggests that rudeness is contagious. Consider taking a step back to understand what the other person might be trying to communicate, even if it comes across as hurtful.
Even if you’re confident the other person was intentionally trying to hurt your feelings, responding in kind may simply be giving them what they want. They may have intended to provoke an angry reaction to change the subject or give themselves a way to justify their negative behavior. And in the long run, repeatedly giving in to anger could harm your health.
Rather than reacting negatively, let go of your initial reaction and try to address the person's comments calmly. Despite how difficult it may be in the moment, it can often have a much better outcome.
Here are a few simple steps you could take:
- Take a few deep breaths: Though this advice may sound cliché, experiments show that diaphragmatic breathing can reduce stress, tension, and negative emotions. Pausing for a few moments to do this also gives you time to think before you speak.
- Acknowledge and reframe your feelings: Trying to push your anger away may only reinforce it. A more effective approach may be to mentally acknowledge your anger and its reasons while reminding yourself that aggressive responses might not be helpful.
- Calmly address the other person’s words: After you’ve taken a few moments to mentally and physically relax, you should be able to respond to the other person’s comments calmly. It may be helpful to calmly explain to the other person what they said was hurtful and ask for an explanation.
Learn strategies to protect yourself from hurtful people
Therapy can help with hurtful behavior patterns
Relationship therapy may be beneficial if your partner or family member makes negative remarks to you frequently. If they don’t agree to go, or if your issue is with a friend or colleague, you may find that individual counseling helps you cope with hurtful situations more constructively.
For many people, online therapy is more convenient than seeking out a mental health professional in person. If scheduling or traveling to face-to-face appointments is difficult, talking to a therapist through text, voice chat, or video conferencing may be more flexible. Many couples who try online therapy report feeling a greater sense of control and comfort that promotes engagement with the therapeutic process.
Online therapy can be effective for treating a variety of mental health conditions. A study found that in-person and online counseling are equally effective in reducing symptoms and improving mental health outcomes. Through BetterHelp's online platform, you can easily connect with a licensed and trained therapist.
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Takeaway
What does it mean when someone knows how you feel?
One way to describe knowing how someone feels is with the term “empathy.” Empathy typically refers to the ability to understand another person's perspective and emotions. These feelings are usually separated into two different types: cognitive empathy and affective empathy. Cognitive empathy deals with identifying and relating to another person’s emotions, while affective empathy refers to the emotions experienced in relation to another individual's feelings. So, for example, a person experiencing cognitive empathy may understand why a person cried in a certain situation, while a person experiencing affective empathy may feel as though they will also cry when hearing about a person’s struggles.
Why is it important to know how I feel?
Understanding your feelings and emotions can be important for a variety of reasons, including:
- Personal Growth: Learning about yourself and your emotions can be helpful on the journey towards personal growth. By getting in touch with your feelings and understanding the emotional reactions you have to certain situations, you may be able to better understand your thought patterns and behaviors.
- Mental Well-being: Emotional control is an essential component of mental well-being. By getting in touch with your emotions, you may be able to establish healthier behavioral patterns and an overall happy or positive mindset about life.
- Maintaining Healthy Relationships: Unstable emotions may lead to relationship difficulties or outbursts that could cause conflict. Individuals who understand how they feel and find emotional stability may be more adept at developing and maintaining healthy partnerships, friendships, and relationships with family members.
Why is it important to let others know how you feel?
Letting others know how you feel may seem challenging, especially when you are concerned with being judged or losing respect. However, expressing your feelings can be an essential component featured in many healthy relationships. In some situations, repressing your emotions or refusing to talk about a subject may be harmful to both your mental health and the health of your relationship. If you feel that it is difficult to express your emotions, it may be beneficial to review literature from psychological organizations like the New York Psychoanalytic Society and Institute or talk with a counselor or therapist. In addition, if your feelings specifically relate to a romantic partnership, a couples counselor could help you overcome your unease concerning expressing your emotions.
Why is it important to talk to people about how we are feeling?
Discussing your feelings with others can be beneficial in a variety of situations, including for the purposes of conflict resolution. In many cases, a lack of communication can further exacerbate a misunderstanding and create further problems for all parties involved. Instead, it may be beneficial to openly discuss the emotions you are experiencing in order to reach a resolution. While there are several ways you can do this, one potentially effective method is to find a neutral area that all parties feel comfortable in and give ample notice before your meeting. During your meeting, it can be helpful to avoid any emotional outbursts, as this may hinder the resolution process.
How do you know how people really feel about you?
One of the most efficient ways to know how people really feel about you is to simply ask. While this may not be appropriate in every situation, being upfront and respectful about your desire to understand another person’s perspective can often be appreciated. To do this correctly, it is typically necessary to take the time to think about why you are trying to discern this person's feelings. In addition, you’ll want to pick the right time and place to ask how someone feels. For example, if they have had a stressful day at work, it may be best to wait until they are in a better mood or have had time to decompress.
How do you tell someone how you feel?
The process of telling someone how you feel will vary based on your relationship and what feelings you need to express. For example, if you have romantic feelings for someone, it's important to take the situation surrounding your current relationship into account. If you are coworkers, it may be important to consider how revealing your feelings will affect your work. While there can still be an appropriate way to tell a coworker you have romantic feelings for them, it's possible that doing so could result in an awkward or uncomfortable situation.
In other situations, it may not be appropriate to tell someone you have romantic feelings for them at all. One scenario where this would likely be true is if the other person has a partner or spouse. While you may have strong feelings for this person, telling them you are romantically interested could cause a scene or conflict between them and their partner. In addition, if you are currently in a romantic partnership, divulging your feelings may have a negative effect on both your romantic relationship and your friendship with your crush.
Why is it important to make people feel important?
Recognizing the achievements of others and letting them know they are important can be a positive way to raise the self-esteem of those around you. Telling someone that they matter can have a series of benefits as well, including strengthening your bond with that person, expanding your support system, and functioning as a way to network with others in your field. In addition, being kind to others can improve your own outlook; by repeating this type of behavior on a regular basis, it may develop into a habit that could have a positive impact on your life and the lives of those around you.
Why is it important for people to feel important?
The desire to feel significant can be a natural human desire. Feeling important is often directly tied to having the respect and admiration of those around you, which can help to boost our self-esteem and confidence. These feelings can also be especially important in childhood. In those essential early years of growth, children begin to develop their sense of self; having low self-esteem during this time may hinder their development or damage their emotional health. As they age, these children may have a more difficult time connecting with others, developing skills, or finding success in their academic careers or occupations.
Why should we avoid saying I know how you feel?
While the phrase “I know how you feel” can be harmless in many circumstances, it may also be seen as dismissive or inaccurate. In many cases, it is difficult or impossible to truly know how another person feels, even if you have experienced similar circumstances. Saying “I know how you feel” may diminish the emotions that the other person is going through, which could lessen the impact of the support you are trying to provide. In addition, it can be helpful to personalize this message based on your relationship with the other individual. So, for example, if you were talking with your friend Kourtney, instead of saying, “I know how you feel, Kourtney,” you could say, “Kourtney, I can relate to many aspects of what you are saying, even if I don’t quite know your precise feelings on the matter.”
How you make people feel is more important?
How you make others feel can be important for the development of interpersonal relationships and maintaining a good reputation amongst your peers. There are a few ways you can ensure that others understand their importance and value, including:
- Listen Actively: Active listening is a technique that can show you are participating in a conversation and are interested in what the other person is saying. While methods can vary, active listening often includes making eye contact, asking questions that show an understanding of the subject matter, and paying attention to body language.
- Verbally Praise Them: Recognizing a person’s achievements by verbally praising them can be another effective way to make them feel important. These compliments may focus on specific elements of their achievements, areas where they have shown improvement, or simple gratitude for their help.
- Ask For Input: Asking someone for advice or input can also be a good way to let them know you value them. This may involve seeking out their guidance on a project, relying on their expertise on a specific subject, or asking for their feedback on your work.
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