Turning Stubbornness Into A Positive Personality Trait

Stubbornness is a common personality trait that exists on a spectrum, like any other. Some people are able to keep it in check and use it for their good and the good of those around them, while others may have trouble understanding how to manage this tendency. If you’re finding that stubbornness is causing problems in your life or relationships, read on to learn about how you might be able to better balance this quality.

What is stubbornness?

The dictionary definition of stubbornness is “the quality of being determined to do what you want and refusing to do anything else.” It’s usually used to describe someone who sometimes or often behaves with narrowmindedness toward the suggestions, ideas, or opinions of others, instead believing that their view or way of doing something is the best or only correct way. Although this tendency often gets a bad rap, it can be positive or negative depending on the situation and the intensity with which it’s applied.

Potential advantages of stubbornness 

Someone who behaves with stubbornness can sometimes benefit from displaying this trait. For example, they can be decisive and determined. If they’ve set their mind to accomplishing a goal, they’re unlikely to give in until their goal is reached. That means stubborn people can achieve great things for themselves and their communities, persevere in the face of adversity, and be effective leaders. Note that in cases like these, “stubbornness” is often referred to using a word with a more positive connotation, such as “determined,” “hard-working,” or “dedicated.” 

It may also be interesting to note the findings of one study, which suggest that children who consistently display stubborn behaviors in their youth may be more likely to have a higher income as adults. Specifically, it reports that those who showed signs of “entitlement, defiance, and academic conscientiousness” as children were likely to go on to earn more in their careers. One potential explanation is that such individuals may “value competition over their personal relationships,” which is a cost of stubbornness that may not be worth it. Another is that stubborn individuals are more likely to stand their ground for what they want, potentially putting them ahead in salary-negotiation situations.

Potential disadvantages of stubbornness

First, frequent or intense stubbornness can be a difficult quality to live with in a colleague, partner, roommate, parent, child, or friend. Someone who sticks to their own opinion or way of doing things at all costs, even when it negatively affects others, is often not enjoyable to be around and may even put themselves or others at a disadvantage or at risk. That’s why it’s often advised that stubborn people try to balance this quality with a dose of open-mindedness and a willingness to look at things from other perspectives.

It’s not just social relationships that can suffer when a person is too stubborn, either. In some cases, their health and the health of those around them can be affected too. One example of this appears in a large study released in 2022, which suggests that individuals who display the trait of “close-mindedness”—very similar to stubbornness—were less likely to adhere to COVID-19 preventative behaviors like social distancing, washing hands, and wearing masks. The researchers also report that those who tend to recognize the limitations of their own knowledge and are open to new information were more likely to engage in such behaviors, regardless of political ideology, suggesting that stubbornness can have potentially detrimental effects on one’s own health and one’s community.

What causes stubbornness? 

It’s long been understood that imitation is one of the primary ways in which children learn. That means the behaviors that adult parents or caregivers model can influence how children will go on to behave. In other words, someone who grew up in a household where stubbornness was common and even praised might be more likely to display this quality themselves. A parent who makes excuses for a child’s bad behavior by labeling them this way—for example, “Oh, he’s just being stubborn!” after an outburst about not wanting to follow an important rule—could also contribute to the child believing this quality is positive, possibly resulting in the child displaying it more often.

In other cases, a person might tend to be stubborn because they’re resistant to change. They might fear the stepping out of their comfort zone that’s sometimes required when compromising or doing or seeing things in a new way. Others may be stubborn because they crave control, leading them to be resistant to the perspectives of others in an effort to make themselves feel safe. If you’re having trouble coping with stubbornness in your life or are experiencing frustration as a result of a stubborn loved one, you might try asking yourself if an emotion like this could be behind the behavior and try to approach the situation with empathy.

When stubbornness can indicate a problem

In some cases, extreme stubbornness could be a sign of an underlying mental health condition, such as:

• Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), which is primarily diagnosed in children. Other symptoms include general uncooperativeness, arguing with authority figures, doing things to annoy or upset others, showing vindictive behavior, being easily annoyed, and blaming others for one’s own mistakes.

• Cluster C personality disorders. For example, those with histrionic personality disorder may exhibit very strong opinions and seek attention for them, and those with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder might follow rules no matter what, at all costs—even if they’re the one who created them.

• Dementia, one of the stages of which can be a significant mood and/or personality shift toward qualities like stubbornness, mistrustfulness, or irritability

• Certain anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety disorder, specific phobias, and generalized anxiety disorder, which may lead a person to stubbornly avoid or always engage in certain behaviors or situations in an effort to quell their symptoms

Even if your stubbornness isn’t a sign of a personality disorder, it could still be a cause for concern. For example, if you find yourself frequently losing friends or fighting with romantic partners as a result of your stubbornness and inability to compromise, it could be worth addressing this tendency. It’s generally considered healthy to stand up for yourself and your boundaries in relationships, and doing so in a reasonable manner typically isn’t considered problematic stubbornness. However, repeatedly refusing to see another person’s side or meet their needs because of this trait can be problematic and could even constitute emotional abuse in some cases, so it may be important to address stubbornness if it’s reached this sort of level.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in any form, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for immediate support, advice, and assistance.

Tips for finding a healthy balance with stubbornness

Stubbornness can be healthy and helpful, but it also has the potential to be harmful when taken to the extreme. If you’re concerned about the level of stubbornness you’re exhibiting, the following tips may help you find a healthier balance.

Pay attention to what triggers this tendency in you

Which situations can you identify that reliably make you default to a stubborn attitude? Paying attention to what these situations are—perhaps by taking up journaling—can be a first step toward understanding your tendency toward stubbornness. For example, do you find that you dig your heels in when someone tells you you’re wrong? When you feel blindsided by a new change? When someone explains something to you in a condescending way? Once you’ve identified the scenarios that can make you lean into stubbornness, you might be better able to manage your response to them as they arise. 

Identify the root cause

As part of your process of learning more about stubbornness-inducing situations, you might also look for clues about the root cause of this behavior in yourself. It could relate to fear of change, embarrassment about making mistakes or being wrong, a tendency toward perfectionism, anxiety about the future, or a number of other feelings. Figuring out what may be driving this tendency could help you address it in healthier ways going forward.

Practice active listening

If stubbornness has been a key element of how you interact with others for a long time, you might find yourself defaulting to this attitude without really hearing out the person on the other side. In many cases, people just want to have their voices heard, and what they’re saying could potentially benefit you both. So next time you’re in a situation when you’d normally be stubborn, you might try to engage in active listening and truly hear the other person’s perspective. Not interrupting, having empathy, and asking clarification questions as needed can be useful parts of this practice.

How therapy can help

If you suspect that a mental health condition may be contributing to a sense of stubbornness that’s interfering with your daily life, seeking the support of a therapist is usually a recommended next step. However, you don’t need to have symptoms of a mental health condition in order to pursue this type of support. A mental health professional can offer help to virtually anyone who is facing an emotional challenge or looking for help adjusting their feelings or behaviors. If a tendency towards stubbornness is causing problems in your life or relationships, connecting with a counselor could help.

Those who want to meet with a therapist but feel intimidated at the prospect of attending in-office appointments might consider online therapy as a possible alternative. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging to address the challenges you may be facing. Research suggests that online therapy can offer similar benefits to in-person care, so you can generally feel confident in choosing whichever format you may prefer.