Coping With Pain, Sadness, And The Heartache Of Missing A Loved One

The pain of missing a loved one can be all-consuming, and at times, it may even seem like those feelings will never subside. Whether you have lost a parent, spouse, child, friend, or someone else who was special to you, the heartache of missing someone is often most intense shortly after you've lost them. While you may never completely stop missing them, it can be helpful to recognize that those feelings are a normal part of grief, and the intensity of your feelings will likely subside and change over time. This article discusses grief, loss, and bereavement and offers suggestions for things you can do that may help ease your pain and heal your heart as you grieve.

What’s the difference between grief, mourning, and bereavement?

Although they’re sometimes used interchangeably, grief, mourning, and bereavement represent different aspects of the experience of loss. 

• Mourning is often considered the active, social process of working through grief. It’s how you show your grief in public or through actions like attending a funeral, wearing black, or following cultural or religious rituals. 
• Bereavement is the objective fact of the loss and the time immediately following it. It is the overarching context within which grief and mourning take place.
• Grief is the internal experience—what you think and feel—such as sadness, anger, denial, or confusion. It is often highly personal, internal, and not always visible to others.

Understanding types of grief

Grief, the natural response to the loss of a loved one, has been observed in both humans and animals alike. Despite its universality, however, grief doesn’t typically look the same across people. The experience is often described as a process in which individuals recover at their own pace and in their own way. Additionally, behavioral scientists have discovered several unique types of grief:

• Anticipatory: The often intense emotional process of mourning an expected loss before it actually occurs. It is common when facing a loved one’s terminal illness, dementia, or a major life change.
• Common: A range of emotional and physical reactions that, while intense, often become less severe over time.
• Complicated: Intense, long-lasting grief that does not improve over time, often making it hard to move forward.
• Disenfranchised grief: Grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned, such as a loss of a pet, a miscarriage, or a secret relationship.
• Ambiguous: A type of loss with no closure, such as a missing person or a loved one with Alzheimer's disease.
• Delayed: When a person suppresses or postpones their feelings of grief, which may surface later.
• Cumulative: Experiencing multiple losses in a short period, leading to overwhelming stress.
• Secondary (loss): The ripple effects of a loss, such as losing financial stability or social roles following the death of a spouse.
• Traumatic: Occurs following sudden, violent, or unexpected loss. 

In some cases, grief can continue for a prolonged time without resolution. This is sometimes called chronic grief, and without intervention and support, it can lead to a more severe mental health issue. 

Why does missing someone after they’ve died hurt so much?

Missing a deceased loved one often hurts profoundly because it is the brain and body's reaction to a permanent separation from someone who may have been deeply woven into your daily life, safety net, and identity. When someone we love dies, the mind can repeatedly return to a specific moment or series of moments shared with them. The grief that follows is often a physical, psychological, and emotional yearning for a bond that still exists in your heart but no longer in reality. 

What missing a loved one can feel like

Grief research reveals that the loss of a loved one is a complex, non-linear process and can be a physical, cognitive, social, and spiritual experience rather than just an emotional state. For many, loss can feel like an intense rollercoaster of shock, sadness, anger, and guilt, sometimes blending with warmth and nostalgia around certain memories. Profound loneliness is common, and some people describe feeling “homesick” for a home that no longer exists. When unaddressed and unprocessed, such challenging emotions can be highly impactful on an individual’s mental health and overall wellness. 

How grief shows up in the body

Physical symptoms of grief are common, often appearing as: 

• Profound fatigue
• Changes in sleep and appetite
• Chest tightness that can make it difficult to breathe
• Digestive issues
• Weakened immunity
• Muscle weakness and pain (even with the slightest body movements)
• Headaches
• Heart attack symptoms (a condition called Takotsubo cardiomyopathy)

Physical symptoms can arise suddenly, maybe when you least expect them. One moment you may feel fine, but then you hear “your song” or smell their favorite food, and you’re overwhelmed. For many, this is a normal part of the grieving process and may become less frequent with time and support. 

A word on the stages of grief

Everyone grieves in different ways and along different timelines, so each person’s experience of grief is unique. 

In an attempt to better understand it, researchers Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler developed a model outlining the emotional journey of those facing death or profound loss. The Kübler-Ross model includes five stages of grief: 

• Denial: A temporary defense mechanism, acting as a buffer against overwhelming emotions 
• Anger: As denial fades, reality sets in, often bringing intense pain and frustration
• Bargaining: An attempt to regain control or postpone the inevitable by making deals, often with a higher power, to change the outcome
• Depression: A deep feeling of sadness, emptiness, or despair that arises when the magnitude of the loss is fully felt (It is a natural response to grief rather than a sign of mental illness)
• Acceptance: This stage is marked by a calm, realistic understanding of the situation and a tentative, gradual move forward

While the stage model of grieving may be helpful for some, critics argue that the Kübler-Ross model lacks empirical evidence, incorrectly implies a linear, predictable timeline for emotions, and overgeneralizes what is typically a deeply personal experience. Originally intended for terminal patients, not the bereaved, applying it strictly might create unrealistic expectations, guilt, and shame for those not following the assumed sequence.

Healthy ways to cope when grief becomes overwhelming 

Many people find themselves overwhelmed during the grieving process at times. Different people cope with that overwhelm in different ways. For some, the most important thing they can do is exercise regularly. For others, grief affects their bodies such that body movements of any kind feel like climbing a mountain. Consider trying some of the strategies below at your own pace to help the nervous system regain balance during waves of grief. They may not remove the love or the loss, but they can make the intense moments more manageable as healing gradually unfolds.

Give yourself time to grieve

It may seem as though the rest of the world is going on with business as usual while you are grieving. As much as possible, try to take the time you need to cope with your loss, and try to be patient with yourself as you navigate the process. For instance, allow yourself to skip events and activities if you don't feel up to going. If you don't feel ready to read sentiments of sympathy from others, put the cards out of sight until you feel ready. If social media seems to stir up more difficult emotions, consider staying off social media platforms for a while.

Consider mindfulness 

A 2025 systematic review found that mindfulness shows promising mental health benefits for bereavement (the results were mixed in cases of prolonged grief). You might try strategies such as focusing on your breath or labeling your feelings as they arise. Sensory grounding exercises may help, too. For example, you might stop to notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. 

Some grounding activities may help when you’re having a hard time in public or around others. Low-barrier actions such as stepping out for fresh air, drinking a glass of water, or placing your feet firmly on the floor can help calm the body when emotions become challenging to manage. 

Care for your body to support your nervous system

It can be easy to let our physical health fall by the wayside after the loss of a loved one, but taking care of your body is a key part of grieving healthily. Try strategies that you may incorporate into your daily routine. For example, eat regular, nutritious meals and keep a sleep routine. 

Gentle physical activity can help regulate the nervous system and reduce stress hormones. If possible, try to exercise regularly, but even low-effort body movements can help—such as taking a short walk, stretching, or doing a few minutes of light yoga. Additionally, consider keeping up with your regular checkups and talking to your doctor about any physical or mental health symptoms you might be having.

Do things that nourish and bring you joy

With time, you may find yourself ready to engage in activities that enrich your body and mind. You might participate in a hobby, a creative project, or volunteer opportunities. Some people find that learning a new skill or continuing education offers a healthy distraction for personal growth and healing. Examples may include taking a class, learning a new language, or learning to play an instrument.  

Celebrate the person’s life 

When you feel ready, you can think about some special ways to celebrate the life of the person you’ve lost. There are many ways to go about doing this, and you can consider different options depending on your situation and preferences.

For instance, if you’d like to talk through positive memories of the person you’ve lost, you could find a trusted friend with whom you can reminisce. If you like writing, you could write about your feelings and memories in a journal. You could keep those thoughts to yourself, or you could discuss them with others if you want to connect with others in a similar situation. Or, if you like photos, you could create a new scrapbook filled with photographs of the person you’ve lost. 

Memorials, anniversaries, and the “memorial service effect”

Many families memorialize their loved ones with a wake, funeral, or Celebration of Life ceremony. Holding a formal gathering to honor the deceased can help the bereaved process grief, confront the reality of loss, and find closure. This is sometimes called “the memorial service effect.” If you’d rather not host a larger event, you might consider a more private gathering where you can look at photos, listen to music, and ask each person to recall a special moment they shared with the deceased. 

Connection can help you heal

If you find that you're isolating yourself due to your sadness, consider reaching out to close friends and family whose presence you find comforting.

How to ask for help 

For some people, asking for help isn’t so easy. Some may be extremely private and feel uncomfortable with sharing their loss with someone else. Others may feel as if they’re “bothering” others or that people “don’t want to hear it,” so they withdraw and try to manage on their own. On top of the exhaustion and emotional vulnerability many experience while grieving, those issues can make it challenging to seek support. 

But research on bereavement consistently shows that connecting with others is one of the most effective ways to cope with loss. If you feel uncomfortable with asking, you might try connecting with good listeners whom you trust and feel emotionally safe with. This may be a family member, close friend, or fellow member of a support group. You might let the people in your life know what kind of support you need right now. For example, you may say, “I’d really appreciate company, will you come over and watch a movie later?” or “It helps when someone just listens.” If speaking in person feels too challenging, texting or writing might be easier.   

Lean on a support system for practical things

Cooking, caring for your home, running errands, and paying bills may seem insurmountable, particularly if you’re taking over tasks your loved one used to cover. You might consider asking for help from friends and family—not just with household chores, but also with things like funeral arrangements and settling affairs. With time, you may return to your daily responsibilities. Until then, delegating such tasks can take a load off your shoulders while you heal.

Support groups and community options

For some, grief support groups and community resources can make a significant difference after a loss, facilitating social connection and comfort in shared experiences. Organizations like GriefShare, Hospice Foundation of America, and The Dinner Party maintain directories of grief support groups, including both in-person and online options. 

When grief becomes more complicated

Certain conditions can present unique challenges during the grieving process. Factors like age, concurrent stressors, and support from others often play a key role. Circumstances of death, coping style, and culture and beliefs can all impact a person’s ability to heal, too. Finally, preexisting mental health conditions can significantly impact an individual’s ability to grieve more healthily.

Guilt, unfinished business, and what you wish you could say

Sometimes, the death of a loved one may cause guilt over “unfinished business.” The individual may feel responsible or “stuck.” These feelings are a typical protective psychological reaction sometimes (but not always) associated with the “bargaining” stage of grief. While this stage might be driven by the desire for control over an unchangeable situation, replaying moments and conversations where words were left unsaid can help individuals cope with their profound loss and, in a sense, hear their loved one’s voice again.

When to seek support from a mental health professional 

When complications converge, and grieving becomes prolonged, some individuals may develop a condition called prolonged grief disorder (PGD), a condition classified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) under trauma- and stressor-related disorders. 

Key indicators that it might be time to seek professional support include, but aren’t limited to:

• An inability to perform daily routines, perform at work, or care for yourself
• Symptoms that do not improve or worsen after one year
• Persistent, overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, intense anger, bitterness, or depression
• Long-term withdrawal from friends, family, and normal activities
• Serious sleeping problems (nightmares, insomnia), severe weight fluctuation, or increased alcohol or drug use
• Any thoughts of self-harm, suicide, or feeling that life is not worth living

Getting support through BetterHelp

Coping with the loss of a loved one can be very difficult, but you don’t have to do it alone. A therapist can help you process the loss and find ways to move forward. You can find a therapist locally or connect with one virtually through an online platform. For some people experiencing intense sadness after loss—traveling to an in-person therapy appointment may feel exhausting. With online therapy, you can connect with a trained therapist right from the comfort of your home. 

Plus, research has found that online therapy can be effective for a range of concerns, including for bereaved people experiencing complicated grief. In one systematic review and meta‑analysis published in BMC Palliative Care, researchers assessed grief severity, anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress in individuals participating in online grief therapy. The outcomes were positive, showing a reduction in emotional and trauma-related symptoms, both in post‑treatment and at follow‑up.