How To Be Seductive (And Still Be Yourself)

Medically reviewed by Paige Henry, LMSW, J.D.
Updated September 20, 2023by BetterHelp Editorial Team

For some people, seductiveness might seem like second nature. They might feel relaxed and comfortable with flirting, eye contact, and all the other subtle things that humans might do to attract a mate. For others, acting seductively feels like just that—an act. 

If you fall into this category, you’re not alone. Many may not feel comfortable displaying their sexuality and attraction authentically. That’s why we’ve assembled some tips that can help you to find your seductive side without compromising your authenticity. 

Getty / Maskot
How We Feel Doesn’t Always Align With What We Want

Look First At What (Could Be) Causing Your Feelings—Here’s Why

Authentic presentation of your attraction often requires honesty and self-reflection. To begin, you might choose to look beyond the image in the mirror and try to discover what it is that's causing you to feel this hesitation.

As you do this, it can help to be as truthful and objective as possible. We do want to note: The answers to these kinds of questions may not be what we’d prefer or what we’d expect— but it’s important to understand if you want to change them. 

For instance: Seemingly unrelated things like financial troubles or problems at work may affect your self-confidence on a deeper level.

Sometimes, the causes can be obvious, but we might feel powerless to change them. Let’s take a look at a true-to-life example that can illustrate the obviousness of the potential problem, and our hesitation to address it directly. Keeping an awareness of this duality can help you to have a higher quality of life as you explore what sensuality and attraction means to you. 

For example: It may be hard to feel seductive if you’re planning an evening out with someone special and put on your favorite jeans—only to find they’re too tight to wear anymore. 

That may not be immediately fixable, but it may be an issue you can resolve relatively easily by wearing something else, purchasing the same jeans in a size up or making lifestyle changes as you see fit. While this may seem somewhat obvious for some, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment and let that moment have long-term effects on our mood and presentation. 

We acknowledge that common, “everyday” concerns like stress and fatigue can contribute to diminished sensuality, too. But sometimes, the reasons we don’t feel seductive can be more serious. People living with severe depression or anxiety disorders might often find it difficult to feel attractive or even feel motivated to care. Past trauma can also make it very difficult to find the healthy sense of self-confidence we often need to feel seductive. 

However, the above isn’t always the case. Some may not even feel attraction due to their own sexual preferences and identities, all of which are perfectly valid and acceptable. 

No matter what you believe could be underlying the lack of sensuousness, speaking with a therapist about possible contributing factors that could be fueling these feelings can be a helpful way to uncover the possible reasons that you don’t feel seductive. Often, it is only when we see the origins of our feelings and behaviors that we can resolve them. 

Turn Your Attention Outward

Cultivating authentic seduction can sometimes begin with our intentions and relationship expectations that we may feel toward the other person or people. If you want to initiate a relationship with someone or at least get their attention, it might make sense to you to convey that desire using subtle actions. 

Lingering eye contact, subtle contact through touch, and active listening can all be somewhat seductive behaviors that don’t have to be dramatic to work. Showing them that you’re genuinely attentive and interested can be helpful in creating a strong foundation for seduction. 

When you’re ready to be more intentional with flirting, it can help to find ways to flirt that make you feel good, too. For instance: Recent scientific data has suggested that smiling can transform how you feel by releasing neuropeptides that can send messages to your neurons to communicate a sense of happiness and contentment to the rest of your body. If you want others to notice your seductiveness, however, it can be important to ensure that your smile is genuine. Studies have suggested that smiling can attract people to you—and they often can tell when a smile is disingenuous. Simply pairing a genuine smile with some meaningful eye contact can be a helpful and strategic way to genuinely convey seduction.

Getty/Luis Alvarez

How Can Online Therapy Support Those Who Are Exploring Sensuality? 

Many may find that the emotional journey of exploring their sensuality can be draining or overwhelming. However, it can be extremely beneficial—and many choose to continue on despite possible uncomfortable moments. Your online therapist can help you to discuss these possibly sensitive topics from the comfort of home or another safe space, which can help many to feel more in-control of their journey. 

Is Online Therapy Effective? 

With the rise of online therapy after the COVID-19 pandemic, many have wondered if it is a truly effective way to address self-discovery needs. Referenced data from the National Council on Aging has found evidence that suggests that online therapy can offer comparable benefits to in-person therapeutic support, possibly resolving nervousness or depression that can be associated with self-discovery experiences. 

How We Feel Doesn’t Always Align With What We Want


Internal and external changes can make you feel like your best self—and when you feel confident, it can be easier to be seductive.

If you’ve done the work to feel confident and you’re still struggling to find your natural seductiveness, online therapy may offer you some benefits. Speaking to a licensed therapist who is experienced in working with people to improve their self-confidence may be necessary to get to the root of those barriers. BetterHelp can connect you to a counselor in your area of need.

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