How To Feel Better When You Miss Someone

Sadness can be overwhelming when you miss someone. You may also experience other feelings after losing a loved one, such as anger, disbelief, and guilt. It’s normal to have negative feelings associated with missing someone, or have difficulty moving forward through those feelings.

However, there are ways to cope with these feelings, and you're not alone.  

Some individuals may fear that not concentrating on the loss will cause them to lose connection with the person who is gone. The people around them might also be invalidating the loss. However, pretending the person who is gone never existed or suppressing your emotions can cause mental and physical consequences. If you're missing someone and want to know how to feel better, there are a few strategies you can use to cope healthfully.

Ways to cope with missing someone 

Below are a few ways you can process your emotions, healthily cope with missing someone, and come to terms with your feelings so you can begin to heal emotional wounds.

Make a memory book

One way to honor your memories with someone you loved is to create a memory book. Get a blank scrapbook and fill it with the happiest memories of that person. Add ticket stubs from events you attended, photos of times you enjoyed together, and paper souvenirs of vacations you took with them. You can also draw sketches that depict your pleasant memories or create a visual map of a day spent with them. 

After creating the memory book, set it aside. Allow yourself to look at it for a set time, such as one hour per week. Then, put it away and focus on the present. Remember that at first, the same things that brought joy in your life, may cause distress as they remind your of your loved one. Especially if it was something you did with a partner, or someone who was a part of a long term relationship. It may take some time to accept that they are gone. When you are sitting with fond memories, you can focus on them entirely at that moment and feel the emotions that arise. When you are not, try focusing on being present in your daily life. 

If you do not have the time or energy to create a memory book or don't believe it applies to your situation, a few photos or keepsakes in a location may be valuable. If you are overwhelmed with too many mementos, consider reaching out for help as you put them away into boxes or donate them to a cause. You may choose to keep a few particular objects but leave the rest. 

Note that objects are material items, but memories can last forever. If you want to keep your positive memories without keeping objects from your time with the person, you can also write about your memories or favorite stories with them, to which you may choose to return at any time to read. You may even wish to post them on social media. Studies have found that expressive writing exercises like this one can improve mental health, so it may also make you feel better.

Write a letter

When you’re missing someone, you might realize that there are statements you wish you had said to the person you lost. In these cases, writing a letter to the individual can be beneficial. The letter can allow you to externalize the emotions that are causing you pain while feeling a connection to your memories. In addition, it can be cathartic to read the letter out loud. If the person you lost passed away, you might read it at their grave, memorial service, or funeral. You could also choose to read it to a trusted friend or loved one.

A letter can still be appropriate if the person you miss is not deceased, and you are in the midst of what you hope is only a temporary separation. However, consider whether it would be healthy to send it. If you're unsure, give yourself a week, or more, after writing to see if the letter still feels healthy to send. You could also consider releasing the letter through a ceremonial practice like safely burning it or burying it in a location you used to go to with the person. Physical activity like this can help you honor how you’re feeling. 

Help others

Although reaching out to others when you miss someone can feel challenging, studies show that social connection has mental and physical health benefits. To help others, use a skill you already have to strengthen your relationships and connect with your community. For example, if you enjoy baking, you could spend time making baked goods for friends and family, nursing home residents, or houseless individuals. It may increase your happiness to see others enjoying your food or to know that you are making a difference in your community. These activities can also work as positive distractions, allowing you to put your focus elsewhere for a time.

Stay in the present

Try to avoid behaviors that serve to alleviate pain in the short term but are harmful in the long term. For example, substance use, gambling, overeating, overusing the internet, risky spending, or risky sexual behavior can have consequences. Trying to adjust through unhealthy coping mechanisms can cause mental health to worsen and potentially have physical risks. 

The pain of missing people can be difficult to navigate, but try to find positive things like a new hobby, social activities, or making new connections to work through the sadness of thinking of a person who is no longer in your life. 

Leave what doesn’t feel helpful

You may receive words of comfort from other people while you're going through your grief. However, even when people are well-meaning, the words you hear might not be relevant or supportive. Take what is helpful and leave the rest. It can be normal not to resonate with the advice or words of care you receive, and other people's words may not heal your loss or make you feel better. 

For example, you might hear phrases like, "time heals all wounds," "losses need to be replaced," and "be strong for others." These messages might feel invalidating if you don't connect with them. You can set boundaries within your support system if you sense they are overstepping. 

Set new goals

New goals may keep you grounded in the present and help you look to the future. Start with hobbies you already have and set goals related to them. For example, if you enjoy an exercise like riding bikes, you might benefit from setting a goal to bike in all the parks in your area. In addition, spending time in natural environments is proven to reduce stress and enhance mood. Setting goals can allow you to look to the future and feel accomplished when you make advancements.

Talk to a professional 

Talking to a professional is one way to cope with grief and can be part of a broader support group to address your situation. You do not have to have a mental illness or diagnosis to see a therapist, and there are many methods to reach out for professional support. For example, many individuals opt for online therapy due to its remote nature and cost-effective pricing. 

If you face barriers to receiving support, online therapy can be a less costly and readily available option. Experts have found that four out of every ten Americans currently use telehealth therapy, and six out of ten said they would use it in the future. Researchers have also found through peer-reviewed studies that online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be more effective than in-person CBT for depression, which can occur after a loss. 

If you're interested in trying an internet-based therapy format, consider contacting a provider through a platform like BetterHelp. The platform offers connection to over 30,000 therapists with experience in many subjects, including loss and family therapy.