12 Key Points Of Love Compatibility

By Nicole Beasley |Updated July 8, 2022

When first starting out in a relationship or meeting someone for the first time, you may often find yourself wondering if you’re truly compatible. Determining if you’re compatible with someone right off the bat can be difficult. This is partially because you are putting your best foot forward, and the other person likely is, too. This can make it difficult to know if you’re truly compatible because it takes time for walls to come down and to truly get to know someone and for them to get to know you.

Still, even if you have been dating for a while, you probably want to be sure that you are fully compatible before taking the plunge into a serious commitment. You don’t want to wind up in a long-term relationship or marriage that will ultimately fail because you are not compatible with one another. Often, the best way to determine if you are compatible is to explore each other’s beliefs and way of life, to best see if your core ideals mesh. This can be done in some ways but should be explored before making serious commitments such as moving in together or getting married.

This isn’t to say that you must agree on everything (some challenge and differences are good!), but, generally, having at least a couple of similar core beliefs is quite beneficial for the long-term success of committed relationships. If your core beliefs are particularly different, it could be difficult to reconcile these and understand one another, and resentment could build as time goes on.

The Importance Of Compatibility In Courtship

One study done on the subject of compatibility in courtship suggests that there are three different situations in which you may or may not determine that you are compatible during courtship before a commitment is made. The first situation that was found is the most common, called the disillusionment model. In this situation, the couples put their best foot forward and do not truly determine whether they are compatible or not until they have already made a long-term commitment.

The second model is the perpetual problems situation, in which the couple sees the problems with their compatibility and tackles them head on throughout the courtship. This situation is ideal and leads to the most successful relationships because it is realistic.

The third model is the accommodations model, in which the couple works to change their behaviors and ideals to match that of the other person. In other words, rather than determining in advance if they are compatible, the couple simply forces the compatibility through personal change. This can be a pretty mixed bag in terms of resulting in genuine happiness and compatibility – it depends on the types of changes made. If this involves you or your partner pretending to be someone you’re/they’re not, this is not a feasible option. However, if it involves you or your partner changing certain unhealthy or unhelpful behaviors (such as excessive drinking, for example) that don’t interfere with but rather amplify your ability to be your genuine self, this can be a boon to the relationship.

Ultimately, determining if you are truly compatible in courtship before a commitment is extremely important to the success of the relationship. When you learn early on whether or not you are truly compatible, you will be able to stay together longer and have a successful relationship without obstacles.

The Big 12 Points Of Love Compatibility

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According to extensive research by Dr. Edward Hoffman, there are 12 main points of compatibility that should be examined between couples. These twelve points of love compatibility may not all be important to you. There is, as always, some wiggle room for you and your partner to determine if you are willing to be incompatible in some way or ways. For example, people with different spiritual beliefs may still be compatible in enough other ways that this difference can be accommodated, particularly with communication and understanding.

The important thing to remember is that you should be compatible on as many levels as possible for the relationship to work out long-term. You will want to explore these different points of compatibility with your partner. At the end of this exploration with your partner, you are both likely to better know whether or not you can make a long-term commitment work.

Need For Companionship

According to The Love Compatibility Book: The 12 Personality Traits That Can Lead You to Your Soulmate by Dr. Hoffman, it is best if both people in the relationship have the same need for companionship. If one person feels the need to be around their partner all the time but the other one needs more space, the relationship may not work. In those situations, one person may begin to feel smothered and start looking for a way out of the relationship.

A healthy relationship is about quality time over quantity. Both people should be willing and able to spend time alone or with people other than their partner. You should want to spend time together and do so, but you should also be able to spend time apart and be able to function as individuals as well as as a couple.

Idealism

Some experts believe that for a relationship to work, you should both have the same basic or very similar ideas and belief systems. Everyone has an idea of how a relationship should work, as well as how a person should be in general. If you and your partner have opposite ideas about life, you may not be able to work through these differences.

Ideally, both of you will have the same or similar views on politics, religion, and morals. However, in truth, many couples who have been successful in their relationships do not always agree on all of these matters. It depends on what is most important to you.

Emotional Intensity

Emotional intensity compatibility is along the same lines as a need for companionship. If one person is much more intense in their emotions than the other, the other person may start to feel smothered and overwhelmed.

It is best if you both have the same level of emotional intensity. If you both have passions that run high, you could have a very intense love relationship, but it will be mutual and therefore likely healthy. However, you could also both be low-intensity lovers, in which case you will not be quite as occupied with each other but still get along famously.

Spontaneity

The ability to be spontaneous is something that not everyone has. Many people want to be surprised on occasion, while others dislike surprises. It is important that you know each other’s view on spontaneity. If you both like to be spontaneous, you might have a more adventurous relationship. If neither one likes to be spontaneous, you can thrive in each other’s ability to plan and be organized in every way.

Libido

One of the biggest problems that couples run into over time is an incompatibility in libido. When one partner wants physical intimacy more frequently than the other, it can lead to serious problems in the relationship. While no relationship should be based entirely on sex, it is an important factor for some people.

Nurturance

It is important that relationships are not one-sided. Both partners should be willing and able to nurture the other to about the same extent, or to the extent that both they are comfortable with and that meets their and their partner’s needs. Nurturing behaviors are those in which you care for the other person’s needs, whether those needs be support, cooking them a meal, drawing them a bath, talking about the day, spending quality time together, or giving them a massage. This goes vice-versa, as well.

When only one person in a relationship is nurturing, it can create a feeling of one-sidedness that can eventually turn into resentment. Often, people who are very nurturing enjoy being pampered themselves. They don’t just nurture because they enjoy it; they may also nurture because they similarly enjoy that behavior in return.

Materialism

Attachment to material things may not seem important during courtship, but as soon as you move in together or get married, it might become an issue for some couples. Some people like to live a minimalist lifestyle and have few material possessions. Some people like the complete opposite. And, of course, there are many shades of preferences in between.

It is important that you both can accommodate each other or agree with one another about the number of material possessions you have and how you keep them.

Extroversion

According to the 12 points of love compatibility, people in a relationship should be relatively equally interested (or disinterested) in going out in public and doing things as a couple. When one person likes to go to clubs, movies, and parties and the other person likes to stay home and avoid social interaction, this can lead to an incompatibility that could cause serious problems in a relationship if not properly communicated and handled.

Sometimes, when one person is more outgoing than the other, it can lead to resentments for both parties. The person who is outgoing might resent their partner for not wanting to go with them to parties and events. The person who is not outgoing could resent their partner for going to events without them instead of staying in to spend time with them. It is best if you both have the same or a similar level of interest in social engagements, or can find some form of compromise that is healthy and feasible for both of you.

Aestheticism

Some experts believe that one of the primary things that determines if you are compatible with someone is whether or not you are physically attracted to them. Of course, looks are not everything in a relationship. Appearances are more important to some people than others. However, it is important that you do find your partner at least somewhat attractive. You should also both place the same emphasis on that physical attraction.

Activity Level

In some relationships it might be best if you both have the same or similar activity levels. When one person dislikes physical activity, and the other person likes to remain active, it can lead to a situation where you have little that you want to do together.

When you don’t have the same activity level as your partner, you might find that you have little in common as far as desired activities. When you don’t want to do the same things for fun and recreation, you can discover that you are doing things you don’t want to do to please the other person or wish that you could share the things you enjoy with them. This can result in resentment and could eventually tear a relationship apart. Again, however, communication, understanding, and healthy, reasonable compromise can go a long way.

Subjective Well-Being

It is important that both people in the relationship have positive subjective well-being. When you have positive subjective well-being, it means that you are happy with your life as it is. People who are inherently happy and have a positive outlook often get along best with others from the same perspective. When one person is ultimately happy, and the other is typically not happy with their life, it can lead to some disillusionment later down the road.

Intellectualism

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Ideally, you and your partner should share similar levels of intellectuality. Being on the same intellectual level can help you communicate with each other effectively to resolve the differences and conflicts that arise over time. It also gives you more in common so that you can discuss many different subjects and never run out of things to talk about.

Discovering If You’re Compatible

Before jumping into a long-term commitment, like moving in together or getting married, it can be a good idea to explore all of these key points of compatibility to see how likely it is that your relationship will last. A good way to do this is through couple’s therapy with BetterHelp. A therapist can take you through all of the points of compatibility and help you to honestly explore with each other your views and ideas in different areas. By the end of the experience, you may just have a much better idea of your love compatibility and a better understanding of one another.

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