How Do You Know If You Love Somebody? Recognizing The Signs

Understanding love 

There are many types of love. Some of the most common types of love include the following: 

• Unconditional love
• Romantic love
• Friendship love
• Familial love
• Playful love
• Enduring love
• Self-love

You can feel multiple types of love for one person, too. For example, you might have started off as friends with your partner and despite romantic attraction, you might always feel friendship in addition to romance toward them. 

For the purposes of this article, we’ll be discussing love between romantic partners. People with different sexualities or identities experience varying levels of attraction and may express romantic love differently, and all are valid. 

Romantic love and emotional connection can be difficult to make sense of, especially if you’re in the beginning stages of getting to know another person. Spending time with the person, speaking with a couples therapist, and tending to relationship maintenance can shed light on the topic.

About romantic love

According to a research paper titled Proximate and Ultimate Perspectives on Romantic Love, “romantic love is a phenomenon of immense interest to the general public as well as to scholars in several disciplines. It is known to be present in almost all human societies and has been studied from a number of perspectives.”

Neuroimaging studies referenced in this paper implicate dozens of parts of the brain responsible for love in romantic relationships. 

Because love is experienced differently as time goes on, you might use different regions of your brain in the early stages of a relationship compared with the later stages. 

Likewise, relationship experts and current research indicate that emerging adults may have a different experience than those who are older. This can change ultimate perspectives on love, the influence of love on your well-being, and the overall experience of love. 

Romantic love is hard to quantify with research, though. It can be thought of as an intangible force that transcends the physical world and enters the realm of emotions. Sometimes it’s an unspoken connection that binds people together and other times partners spend plenty of time discussing their love for each other, making it an individual experience.

Looking at the small stuff

Examining your relationship history with your partner can shed light on key signs that you’re in a loving relationship. From small gestures to how you discuss the future together, examining your romantic relationship is the best way to get the answers you want. 

Let’s explore some questions to help you identify telltale signs that you love someone. 

Length of the relationship

Love often takes time to grow with a partner. When we meet someone and instantly feel a connection, that is not love but rather is lust, or, put less severely, a crush. When we lust after a person, we don’t know them well but have a strong physical and/or emotional craving for them. This intense relationship floods our system with a variety of different chemicals much like addiction and lights up similar areas in the brain. If you haven’t know that person long, then it’s more likely that you’re in lust with them rather than in love.

One of the reasons you might be wondering if you’re in love with your partner is if the relationship has been going on for a long time. Time, while a strong indicator of love, may not indicate love if the feelings are not “sure.” Most people realize they are in love suddenly with their partner, it simply “happens” one moment. If you have to debate whether you’re in love with your partner or not, then there’s a good chance you’re not, but you may be on the way there.

Emotional connection

When you love somebody, being with them is like being with your best friend or a life partner. It feels natural and normal to be with this partner; there’s no pressure and no need to “perform” or act a certain way. Both you and your partner can just be yourselves, and feel comfortable and whole in doing so. 

You generally feel the same way about them whether they’re in sweatpants on the sofa or dressed up for a night out. When you truly love someone, you likely want them to be your partner in every aspect of your life.

If this person isn’t someone you actually spend time with like you would a romantic partner and you only admire from afar, then there is likely no way you’re in love with them, and what you’re feeling is strong lust.

When you love somebody, it can be peaceful. When you have a partner and you are both in love, you may feel safe in your affections knowing that they feel the same way about you. The exception to this is unrequited love where you may feel everything, and your partner does not feel the same. This can be very difficult because your feelings are strong and may even reflect those of a person in love, but because the object of your affections doesn’t feel the same the relationship can never work.

Those dealing with unrequited feelings go through the same stages of grief that a person who has a break up with a partner goes through. They may experience the same emotions, same thought processes, and experience almost the same feelings as someone who was in a real relationship that has ended.

If you love somebody, you’ll miss them terribly when they’re gone. You might think about your partner all the time; you talk about them a lot, and it can sound like a bit of a broken record. Practicing self-compassion can help alleviate these feelings, but they may not go away. 

When you’re in love with your partner, your connection with that person is very strong, and is mostly connected to the dopamine/oxytocin reactions in your brain when they’re around. Whenever you and your partner are apart, those levels drop so your brain tries to create ways which will make you interact again and bring those levels back up. While it can feel like you “miss” someone you care about, actually being in love is much more powerful than that alone – it feels like a constant thought at the back of your mind.

Love is a complicated thing; maybe you’re in love, but your partner isn’t, or vice-versa. If this is the situation, talking to a relationship counselor might help. While you can’t force someone to develop feelings, they may simply be unsure of their feelings and need help expressing themselves. Perhaps it’s frustrating you that they don’t seem to be behaving like they’re in love but still say they love you.

Sometimes, two people can just be on different timelines, with one falling in love before the other – that’s ok! Love is different for everyone, and doesn’t exist on a set timeline. Maintaining open communication about your and your partner’s feelings is paramount. If you have expressed that you’re in love with your partner and they don’t feel the same, but let you know they care about you and still want to be with you, don’t lose faith. Love can take time.

Unrequited love can be a mess, and it can leave you feeling empty and despondent. Therapy can help you talk through these empty feelings and give you better coping strategies for your grief as you try and move towards healthier relationships with a partner.

Unrequited love can also bring up questions about sexuality. While many cultures accept same-sex relationships, some do not, and it can lead to feelings of confusion and even a loss of identity or depression. While you may believe your love with your partner isn’t acceptable, talking these feelings through with a therapist may help you accept your sexuality beyond the confines of your culture or community.

If you’ve decided you’re in lust but you just can’t seem to let go of them, it might be time to talk to a therapist. Lust can lead to other problems like sex addiction if you feel you can’t control your emotions. In cases like this, therapists often try and help you talk through what it is that is causing you to hold on to that person while forsaking anyone else. If you’re obsessing over them, it’s just as unhealthy as an addiction because of the way your brain chemicals work. Seek help as soon as possible if you’re in this situation.

Online therapy for dating advice

In regards to relationships, online therapy can be particularly useful as it’s able to reach a broader variety of people, including those who live rurally and minorities who otherwise may have great difficulty in finding mental healthcare and therapy, as well as those who have very busy or non-traditional schedules. 

Additionally, BetterHelp tends to be more affordable than in-person therapy options, as you don’t have to safe transportation to and from sessions, and our therapists don’t have to rent out office space, which means they don’t have to increase rates to accommodate that cost (or, rather, the lack thereof!). Sessions can also be held anytime, anywhere – you’ll just need an internet connection to get started. From there, sessions can be held via video chat, phone call, live voice recordings sent back and forth, texting/instant messaging, or any combination thereof – whatever works best for you!