Showing Love and Improving Mental Health

If you have had even one failed relationship, you may wonder what your responsibility was or where you might have done wrong. While in some relationships, someone is in the wrong, such as in cases of infidelity, often breakups are the result of mutual issues.

Even if people let you know the breakup wasn’t your fault, you probably don’t want past mistakes making an appearance in a new relationship, so what could you do differently next time to find healthy love? Many people wonder if the love they had was healthy or if they loved properly. If you had a lot of pain with the relationship, you could wonder if you were doing something wrong or if it was not loving or healthy. Connecting with a therapist or mental health professional can be a way to help process these feelings and move forward.

Childhood and healthy expression

Accepting and giving love is not something that is taught in schools. Often, the only education you have on how to love who you love comes from watching the couples you grow up with, such as your parents or grandparents. If you don’t have good, healthy role models in this respect, you can grow up not knowing how to love healthily.

This can prevent you from having healthy and fulfilling relationships. When you better understand how to love and how you should be loved in return, you can form healthy and lasting relationships that are rewarding for both you and your potential partner.

What do we need to know about love?

To have healthy relationships, it can be helpful to understand how to love someone and show your strong feelings in many different ways. Loving someone may not mean taking over their lives in every way. They should not be the complete focus of everything that you do. On the other hand, you should make them a priority in your life and love them through their faults.

Love selflessly with your all

Many people only give love to their partner when they are getting something in return. Often this leads to a calculative way of looking at true love; you may find yourself constantly doing the math to see who has done more in the relationship. When you feel slighted, you might withhold love. This isn’t a healthy way of offering love and can, in fact, be a sign of a toxic relationship.

When you give love freely, you will find that it is given to you freely in return. When you stop trying to tally up who has done more for each other, you will find that you and your partner are much happier.

Practice gratitude and appreciation

When trying to show a person that you love them, it may be beneficial to express gratitude and appreciation to them. Being grateful can help create a sense of connection and closeness as you come to realize that the other person makes you happy. You may try to notice and acknowledge times when a person does something kind for you or makes an effort to show you love.  

Love that is healthy

Finding a healthy love can be difficult. Healthy love is a two-way street, where each partner has something to offer the other. This type of love is also one that recognizes that you are two individuals and not just a couple. When love is healthy, the individual and a certain level of independence can be maintained, even though you spend time together and always support one another.

Quality time over quantity

Many couples make the mistake of thinking that they must spend all their precious time together to stay connected. They believe that if they are not spending as much time together as possible, they are not in a healthy love relationship. The opposite is often true.

It may be important to recognize that a loving couple is made up of two individuals, and those individuals have different needs. For example, you will both likely have separate jobs that you need to go to every week to support your life together. Beyond this, there may be times when you and your loved one have different interests and do not necessarily want to go to the same events.

As well, it is important that each of you spends time with your friends or family, separate from each other. You should have mutual friends that you can hang out with from time to time, but the friends you had before the relationship started are still important. Spending time with those friends away from your partner is very healthy.

Instead of focusing on the amount of time you spend with your partner, focus on the quality of time you are spending with them. When you are spending time with your partner, focus your attention on them and what you are doing. Make physical contact if it makes you both feel good. Make an effort to do things that interest you both, or simply spend quality time talking about anything or nothing at all. Showing love to your partner can mean many things. Whether you talk, have sex, or relax together with a movie, the quality of the time that you spend with your partner is what is important, not the quantity.

Faith and faithfulness

It makes sense that healthy love is built on a foundation of trust. You must have faith in your partner that they will love you in return and do the right thing, even when you are apart. Jealousy, obsession, and constantly checking in are signs of a toxic love situation and may cause a couple to lose trust. Instead, you should trust your partner to come home to you, integrity intact.

On the same token, you must be honest and faithful to your partner. This doesn’t just mean that you don’t go out and cheat. It also means that you tell them the truth and keep no secrets. You should seek to communicate when things seem to be going wrong and not entertain the idea of spending time with others in the same way that you would with your partner.

Practicing self-care first and foremost

One of the biggest things about healthy love that is often missed is the love of self. Self-love and self-care are vitally important to have a healthy love relationship. 

You should not be relying on your partner to meet any of your basic needs. You should be able to take care of yourself completely on your own without assistance. Your partner is there for affection, support, and communication, but ultimately, you must do things for yourself. If you are not capable of taking care of yourself, you will likely not be capable of taking care of them, and that makes for a very one-sided relationship.

Self-love may also be important because if you do not have self-love and independence, you are relying on the relationship to work to fulfill your own needs. When this happens, you end up in a codependent relationship, which is unhealthy. You need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and not relying on your partner for your own happiness.

Support and growth

When you have a healthy romantic love, you support each other and encourage each other to independent growth, even through the tough times. Whether that growth is as a person, in a career, or toward a specific goal, you should be supporting each other in all of your endeavors. When you offer each other support and help each other to grow as individuals, your relationship will be stronger.

As each person in a relationship becomes stronger and grows independently, the relationship itself can continue to grow and mature. When you each have your independence but lean on each other for support, you are not relying on the relationship to meet your needs. You both know that you are in the relationship because you want to be, not because you need to be. The support factor means that you always have someone helping you to better yourself, which is the ultimate tool in self-growth.

Embracing positive emotions

Learning how to give and feel love can be difficult, especially if you have had a series of bad relationships. You may be questioning your ability to love someone, or you may be wondering what it is that you need to do to attract a healthy relationship instead of the incompatible partners you've dated in the past. A good way to get a baseline on what you should be looking for in a relationship is to meet with a therapist. They will listen to what you have to say without judgment, help you examine your past relationships, and teach you what it means to love and be loved healthily.

Setting healthy boundaries

Healthy love may be love in which both parties respect each other’s boundaries and take responsibility for their actions. Partners may set boundaries around personal space and emotional well-being. Showing respect for boundaries can be a way for each person to maintain their identity while still being connected. 

How to express love with words and actions

Knowing how to express love can be challenging and may involve communicating with both words and actions. You may choose to communicate your thoughts verbally or in writing. It may be helpful to be frank and speak from the heart, telling the other person exactly how you feel about them or why you love them. While you can post your love to social media, often a more intimate and private setting may be more appropriate. 

Actions may be another effective way to show your love. Some ways that you can show love through actions may include: 

• Acts of service – Taking a load off of your partner’s plate or doing something kind can be a way to show love. 
• Physical touch – Some people show love through hugs, kisses, or gentle touch. 
• Quality time – Spending time with a person can be a way to show love and care. 
• Thoughtful gestures – Giving gifts or planning a date can be ways to let a person know that you are thinking of them and to show them love.      

Real love vs infatuation and unrealistic stories

Understanding how to love another person may begin by defining what real love is and separating it from infatuation. Infatuation may be a feeling that occurs early in a relationship, and may be a shallow connection that centers around idealization. Some signs that your feelings may be infatuation rather than a real connection may include: 

• Duration – Infatuation may be short-lived, while real love can endure for longer. 
• Intensity – Feelings may be more intense and occur more rapidly with infatuation. 
• Unrealistic expectations – Infatuation may hide flaws, and a person may see the other person as perfect; a person may feel disappointed when their partner isn’t perfect. With love, flaws may be recognized and accepted. 
• Intimacy – Infatuation may center exclusively on physical intimacy, while real love can involve emotional, physical, and mental connection. 

In addition to recognizing signs of infatuation, it can also be helpful to understand the difference between how love is portrayed in pop culture and how love occurs in real life. Throughout history, love stories in pop culture have shown love as filled with intense passion and grand gestures, with an underlying sense that fate is the driving force. Real love, on the other hand, may not be like a love song; it may take time and include making daily choices to build a connection.    

How to repair after getting hurt and feeling stuck

Conflict can be a normal part of any relationship, and if you are feeling stuck or hurt after a disagreement, there may be steps that you can take to rekindle love. One key to moving forward and repairing a relationship may be to respond to conflict with empathy and understanding. This may mean learning how to express your feelings and expectations without engaging in personal attacks. 

Managing conflict and repairing a relationship may involve strategies such as: 

• Acknowledge and accept – Some people may fear acknowledging that a repair is necessary; however, by acknowledging the pain you are feeling you can begin to process it. 
• Communicate openly and honestly – Saving or repairing a relationship after a conflict may require both sides to communicate truthfully and practice active listening skills. 
• Taking accountability – It may be beneficial to own your role in the relationship and any damage that you may be responsible for. 
• Set new boundaries – Setting healthy boundaries can help you and your partner move forward. 
• Take steps to reconnect – After setting boundaries, you may take steps to rebuild trust.       

Finding support through online therapy 

Online therapy can be especially convenient for those who may not otherwise have the time to seek professional treatment. With online therapy through a service like BetterHelp, you can meet with your therapist on a flexible schedule from the comfort of your own home via phone, chat, or video call. Working with a therapist can help you discover your own love language and enhance your communication skills.  

Research has found that online therapy may be just as effective in the long term as in-person treatment for a range of conditions and concerns. The most important thing that impacts the effectiveness of therapy may be your relationship with your therapist. With this in mind, you can get the same high-quality, dynamic mental health care through an online provider that you would by going to a physical office.