What is an INFJ in Love Like?
By: Corrina Horne
Updated October 11, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Whitney White, MS. CMHC, NCC., LPC
Personality typing is an interesting tool. With a handful of answers to a questionnaire, or a few hundred answers on a questionnaire, you can determine a set of attributes you possess, many of the things that motivate you, and what kinds of pitfalls you might be particularly prone to.
There are countless personality quizzes in the world, many of them frivolous and designed to entertain (“What Character from ‘Friends’ Are You?”), while some of them are created to offer a serious peek into yourself and the world around you, such as the Enneagram and The Myers-Briggs test. The Myers-Briggs test is made up of 16 types, based on four specific traits, and includes the INFJ type.
What Is Myers-Briggs?
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a personality typing system created by a mother-daughter team: Katharine Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers. They developed the test based on Carl Jung’s notion of personality types, in order to more fully flesh out Jung’s ideas and apply his work to a broad audience. Jung believed that people all possess one of two personality dichotomies in four separate categories, and believed people’s motivations and behaviors could be outlined based on how each of these four traits interacted. That forms the basis of the Myers-Briggs typing system.
The typing system itself is comprised of four categories: world, information, decisions, and structure. Within those categories are two types: extroversion versus introversion, sensing versus intuition, thinking versus feeling, and judging versus perceiving. Each personality type is given a letter for each category to form a more complete picture of their personality, such as INFJ.
What Is an INFJ?
An INFJ is a Myers-Briggs personality type whose letters make up Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, and Judging. This means that INFJ personality types garner energy from solitude, rely upon their intuition to learn and discover information, rely upon their feelings, and see things as having concrete answers and motivations. INFJs are known for having fairly reliable “gut feelings,” and may be able to provide insight into the lives and motivations of others without having the evidence to back it up, but are often correct, anyway.
Why Are INFJs Unique?
INFJs are unique because they are the rarest personality type within the Myers-Briggs typing system, making up less than 2% of the population. INFJs may be able to act as chameleons in uncomfortable situations and may mistype as other combinations for a time, if they are not closely listening to their preferences, instead of their behaviors. INFJs are unique not only because they are the rarest type, but because many people liken them to having a sixth sense, of sorts, because they often seem to leap intuitively to the correct answer, without having to know all of the facts beforehand. Some analysts of the typing system believe that these leaps are not leaps at all, but that the INFJ personality processes certain types of information far more quickly than is typical.
INFJs are also unique because their personalities are rife with paradoxes. Although they are feelers, INFJs are usually extremely keen on learning and may study their interests almost obsessively in order to gain more information. INFJs are often considered one of the more compassionate types within the Myers-Briggs system but are also the most likely to completely close the door on a person or a relationship if they deem the person untrustworthy. Most INFJs struggle to make sense of themselves, even, as so many of their traits and characteristics seem to be at odds with one another and many can benefit from the help of a mental health professional to tease out some of their struggles.
INFJs In Love
Love is different and can be complex for every person. One INFJ in love will look slightly different from another INFJ, but there are a few constants that most INFJs seem to fall back on. In love, INFJs are unlikely to seek out a fling, or a quick romantic connection. INFJs are usually far more soulful and far-reaching in their approaches to life, and love and relationships are not taken lightly. For that reason alone, INFJs are usually cautious at first, but once they find a connection, they will pour their hearts into that connection without hesitation.
INFJs are the type most likely to experience marital dissatisfaction. This is often due to a lack of connection and intimacy within a relationship, as both connection and intimacy are vital to an INFJ’s sense of wellbeing. In relationships without intimacy and true connection, INFJs will withdraw and will likely leave the relationship altogether, unless their partner begins opening up lines of communication and works to grow closer.
INFJs are often highly principled and will have extremely high standards for their partners and themselves. Sometimes, these high standards are unrealistic and difficult for partners to navigate. Not all standards are absurdly high, but INFJ personality types might find it hard not to idealize their partners or at least focus on the positive aspects of their nature. INFJ personality types may put undue pressure on their partners to behave a certain way all of the time or to subscribe to a certain set of beliefs without question. Many people just don’t have the emotional stamina to keep up with all of these expectations. INFJs search for the type of love immortalized in poetry, and may not ever be truly satisfied until they find it-even when it means sacrificing their happiness in the short-term.
Mistyping: Types Similar to INFJ
INTJs and INFPs can mistype as INFJs and INFJs may also mistype as one of them. Introverted and intuitive is a powerful combination and can overshadow some of the traits necessary to define whether you are a thinker or a feeler, or a perceiver or a judger. In love, though, each of these personality types is quite different, which can help bring some perspective to someone struggling to type themselves between INFJ, INTJ, and INFP.
INTJs in love are likely to forge ahead with as much logic as possible. These personality types might seek out a partner that is a match on paper, with similar interests, similar ideas, and a wit and intelligence to match their own. Because INTJs are the type most likely to have high IQs or pursue more high-minded likes and hobbies, INTJs often wait love out, if they ever find a partner at all. Like most people with high IQs, finding love can be difficult for INTJs. They are unlikely to settle for someone who is less than what they want or may wind up leaving if they do settle initially.
An INFP in love is going to focus far more on connection and emotional compatibility. While similar interests might be nice, it is a similar person who will make an INFP swoon. Connection and relationships are extremely important to INFPs, so an INFP in love will likely make plenty of room for their partner in their lives, and may even tip over into putting too much time into a relationship-especially if a connection is present. INFPs might be future-oriented, place a high price on relationships, and are unlikely to pursue romantic connections that are shallow or one-sided.
Love and the INFJ Personality Type
INFJs are intense, emotional, and intuitive, and can often come across as intimidating to others, or extremely aloof. Many people will never see the loving side of INFJs because many INFJs reserve true displays of intimacy and affection for close, loving relationships. INFJs typically do not have a slew of close relationships. Instead, INFJs tend to prefer a small number of deep, intimate friendships and relationships, and may only have a few long-term romantic commitments in their entire lives; love is held in high esteem and is not given away to just anybody or anything.
INFJ personality types rely heavily upon feeling and can mistype their personalities for other types, based on how they are feeling at any given moment. Two of the common mistypes include INTJ and INFP, both of which are extremely close but don’t quite have the same characteristics-especially in love. While INTJ love is focused more on support and planning, INFP love is focused more on connection and devotion. INFJ love is more likely to crave companionship and an equal footing, rather than the standard relationship model of one partner loving the other more, or being more invested in the relationship.
How to love an INFJ? Because INFJs are so focused on learning, connecting, and improving, the best way to move your relationship forward with an INFJ is to practice authenticity at all times. Authenticity is a hallmark characteristic of the INFJ personality type and plays an important role in an INFJ’s commitments and relationships.
Authenticity is part of what drives an INFJ, so keeping this alive and well in a relationship with an INFJ will keep alive some of the intimacy and connection that INFJs desperately crave and hope for. Although INFJs are the type most likely to experience marital dissatisfaction, this does not have to mean that your relationship or your relationship with an INFJ is doomed. INFJs in love can stay in love, with plenty of compassion, work, and dedication to keeping love and intimacy alive.
Counseling to Understand Myers-Briggs, INFJ, and Love
If you are interested in learning more about personality typing such as Myers-Briggs, or if you identify as an INFJ and would like to seek guidance in matters such as love, it may be beneficial to consider online counseling. While MBTI continues to be a topic of debate among psychology experts, there have been studies and literature published that show MBTI being an easy way for people to start understanding and learning about their own emotional and mental frameworks. Many people find MBTI a good starting point to learn about their personality traits, and how these traits may influence their own approach to life, love, and other matters.
Online counseling can be a first step in accessing mental health resources. You may find that licensed therapists have different backgrounds and training in situations such as mental disorders, relationship concerns, and more. With a little bit of research, you may find a therapist who can help you understand MBTI and how to approach matters of love. Online counseling is also convenient; all you need is an internet connection and a device you can use to contact your therapist. There’s no need to drive to another area that might be far away.
Read below to learn about how others in similar situations to yours have used BetterHelp:
“Sandy was really great and helped me unlock the things I needed surrounding my relationship and dating patterns. In the period of time, she was a great sounding board and also helped give me the thinking tools I needed to move forward in a better path. I definitely recommend Sandy and her open and direct approach -–she was wonderful!”
“Joy was extremely helpful. She helped me when I felt completely hopeless and trapped in my relationship. Although it was very difficult to talk to my partner about the issues, Joy helped me get very clear on my goals, and helped me communicate assertively – without getting into a fight.”
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