What Is Compassionate Love?
The most common definition of compassionate love may be love that combines the principles of both compassion and general love. This can mean that compassionate love involves a combination of kindness, consideration, empathy, care, devotion, and admiration. Many believe that love cannot exist unless compassion is present. Compassionate love can play a large role in long-term relationships, as compassion can keep the relationship going even when passion has died down. Compassion can play a role in platonic and familial love as well. Online therapy can be a helpful tool if you’d like to learn to exercise more compassion in your relationships or daily life.
What Is Compassion?
Compassion is often thought of as a type of concern for the welfare and well-being of others. Compassion may not require a focused love to exist but is often considered a form of love in and of itself: a love for humankind. Compassion can be argued to be the bedrock for kindness and selflessness, as it can focus attention outward rather than inward and can be an example of both empathy (putting yourself in someone else’s shoes) and sympathy (feeling sad, sorry, or distressed on someone's behalf without necessarily putting yourself in their situation).
Compassion is generally considered the basis for many religious ideas of love and is often cited as a requirement for true humanitarianism. After all, how can you develop the desire to help people an entire world away without feeling some amount of compassion toward them and wanting to aid in their plight? Compassion is typically regarded as the roots of non-profit organizations, social and psychological work, and other entities designed to help others.
What Is Compassionate Love?
Compassionate love is love that combines the principles of compassion (empathy, kindness, consideration) and the principles of love (devotion, admiration, and care). Evident in both romantic and platonic love, compassionate love is not only found in one corner of loving interactions but can be used in all types of relationships and all relationship durations. You can experience compassionate love for your neighbor just as much as you can experience compassionate love for your long-term partner. Compassionate love is not selfish in its aims and works to create an equitable balance of care, attention, and respect, rather than trying to gain something through the relationship.
Compassionate love can be experienced in numerous ways. Compassionate love may be romantic, platonic, or a general, vague feeling directed at all of humanity. There is no single, distinct way to experience compassionate love.
Compassion: Love In Action
It could be argued that all love is compassionate love. Indeed, some would argue that love is not loving at all unless it is coupled with compassion. On the other hand, affection and attachment without compassion are far more akin to infatuation or obsession than love. While it is not entirely true that love cannot be felt without also feeling compassion, love is best and most effectively put into practice when compassion is present.
Feeling love means a lot of things. Love can be felt for inanimate objects, such as your favorite sweater or your favorite book that you read again and again. However, this love is not reciprocated and is not put into action; you can't demonstrate love for a favorite sweater, aside from wearing it several times. Even in wearing it, however, you are demonstrating your preference for that object, far more than you are expressing a compassionate love for it.
The most clearly defined scholarly example of compassionate love is that of service or volunteering. Volunteering is considered a visible example of compassionate love, as it deliberately sets aside oneself to help others – very often, strangers or others with whom you have no direct or lasting ties. This reinforces the notion that compassionate love can exist without a definitive relationship between two people but that there is some amount of consistency within compassionate love. People who love compassionately (whether that is for loved ones, their community, or all of humankind) do so continually and maintain a relationship with others via their service. Using volunteering as an example, a volunteer is maintaining a relationship with the object of their compassionate love (humankind, community, etc.) by volunteering on a regular basis, just as a romantic partner might carve out time to take their loved one on a date.
Can Love Exist Without Compassion?
Love cannot be effectively put into practice and consistently expressed without compassion. Expressing or demonstrating love without compassion is likely to be selfish or poorly communicated. If you express your love for your partner for their ability to calm you down, you are not actually complimenting their character. You are, instead, appreciating them for what they are able to give you. If you demonstrate your love for your partner without compassion, you might find yourself giving a gift that benefits you both, such as tickets to your favorite play. Demonstrating love with compassion removes you from the equation entirely and focuses on your partner, friend, or loved one, instead.
Love without compassion will likely fade away at the first sign of trouble or the first show of flaws. Compassionate love can recognize that everyone has flaws and will not be quick to write someone off after a fight, a misunderstanding, or an intentional slight. Compassionate love realizes that everyone has the ability to lose control of their emotional state sometimes, that everyone is sensitive to criticism, and that everyone is similarly deserving of kindness and love.
Compassionate love should not be mistaken for blind acceptance, however, as a less mature love might think. Devoted love, without compassion, might fall into the trap of mistaking love for consent and could give a wide berth for error in unhealthy or altogether abusive relationships in the (false) name of compassion. Compassionate love sees human beings as vast, flawed, and even incorrect at times. It is not afraid to offer a corrective word or action even when it means losing the person you love for a while or losing them altogether. Compassionate love speaks the truth in its love rather than just affirming or adoring.
Love without compassion is likely to be a fledgling love, both in terms of duration (it is a new relationship) and depth (even in a long-term setting, it rarely dips below the surface). Compassion can be felt for strangers, but compassionate love typically mandates some consistency of emotion. Even the aforementioned neighbor would experience somewhat consistent communication and a relationship of some kind. Compassionate love does not have to engage in a soul-baring conversation at each interaction nor does it demand an extensive show of support.
Compassion In Long-Term Relationships
Some studies have shown that compassion begins to ebb as relationships age, while others demonstrate that compassion is actually one of the key mechanisms at play in healthy, happy, lasting connections. Most studies seem to agree that any relationship without compassion is likely doomed to fail. Whether your attachment is romantic, platonic, or some mixture of the two, compassion seems to be the gas that keeps the metaphorical car running, when new love or the novelty of a fun friendship has fallen away.
One study also found that romantic partners who reported compassionate love for their partner were more likely to report contentment and peace in their lives. Religion also seemed to play a role in the study, as people who claimed some form of religion were more likely to consider themselves partners in a compassionate loving relationship rather than a standard loving one. These couples were also more likely to report experiencing other forms of love, including Eros (erotic love) and Agape love (love for humankind).
Love And Compassion
Some say you can't have one without the other. Some say the two are mutually exclusive, but both are better with the other. Whichever side of the fence you stand on, one thing is clear: compassion is beautiful and has been the source of many incredible acts of service toward others. Love, too, is a beautiful thing and has often been the source of incredible connection, acts of service, and kindness.
Creating Compassionate Love In Your Life
We might not have learned compassionate love from our families of origin or see it expressed in our culture regularly, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the capacity to learn it. As discussed earlier, small acts of kindness and volunteering without expecting a return on our investment are ways to show compassionate love on a consistent basis. Exploring the love we have in our lives with a therapist is another way to understand the role of compassionate love more intimately. Face-to-face or online therapy can help you tap into and be open to compassionate love.
How Can a Therapist Help Me?
When looking for a therapist, keep in mind what you want to work on. Find a therapist who has expertise in compassionate love, romantic love, and familial and intimate relationships. What you might also find helpful is having a therapist you can meet online. This way, you choose when and where to meet with your therapist rather than having to travel a great distance or in traffic after a day of work. BetterHelp has many therapists who can help you explore compassionate love in your life when and where it is most convenient for you.
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Conclusion
Learning about and incorporating compassionate care into your life will enrich the love you already have in your life and bring a greater understanding of how we are all connected. To gain an even deeper understanding of how compassionate care affects your life, speak with a therapist. Take the first step today.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the meaning of compassionate love?
What is an example of compassionate love?
Is compassion the same as love?
What does compassionate love feel like?
Why is compassion important in love?
Is companionate love good?
What is true love between a man and a woman?
What is the difference between romantic and compassionate love?
According to psychologist Elaine Hatfield, compassionate love is just a type of romantic love. It makes up about half of romantic love in the initial phases of a relationship but is the key to satisfying enduring relationships. The other type is passionate love, which is what people usually associate with romantic love or at least believe the two terms are closely related.
The differences between compassionate and passionate love are pretty stark. Compassionate love involves mutual respect, empathy, and affection, while passionate love involves intense feelings and sexual attraction. So while the key features of compassion are empathy and understanding, passionate love is more focused on sexual drive.
Though compassionate and passionate love are very different types of love, they are both essential for romantic relationships. Compassionate love is altruistic love that is needed for compromise and honoring your partner’s boundaries. But passionate love is what makes personal relationships fun and exciting. Though compassionate love endures far longer than passion, most people want to fall passionately in love with their partners and maintain that passionate love as their relationships progress. Both are very different and yet are essential for blissful partnerships and life satisfaction. Many failed relationships usually lack one of these types of love.
Furthermore, passionate love is what people typically experience in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Many partners hope to maintain their passionate love for years to come. But it is hard to maintain passionate love without work and effort. That’s why compassionate love is essential for long-term relationships, as it’s the glue that keeps you together when the passion cools.
Is companionate love enough?
The answer to this question depends on the context. Compassionate love (also known as companionate love) is the love we all hope to experience in our friends, mentors, or even coworkers. However, when it comes to romantic love, most people believe that companionate love or compassionate love is not enough. Many people need that intense longing and sexual attraction when starting a new relationship. You could argue that this passionate love is what differentiates romantic partnerships from other connections. But whether or not loving your partner compassionately is enough for you is up to you and your partner.
What is compassionate love in psychology?
When discussing the psychology and science of compassionate love, we must mention psychologist Elaine Hatfield. Hatfield dedicated her life to researching the emotional components of human love and aimed to understand patterns of failed relationships and understand divorce factors. She was at the forefront of empirical research on romantic love, which comprises compassionate love and passionate love. According to Hatfield, compassionate love is defined by trust, commitment, and affection. It is the ability to empathize and see someone as a real human being. In long-term personal relationships, passionate love cools down to compassionate love within the first few years.
Attachment is a major factor in how much a person feels compassionate love towards others. Securely attached individuals tend to form deeper and longer-lasting relationships built on compassion than other attachment types. They still feel passionate love for their partners, but they are much higher on the compassionate scale than people of other attachment types. On the other hand, people who are anxiously attached tend to experience passionate love that fades but doesn’t turn into a lasting relationship.
Though Hatfield’s early research had critics, she inevitably revolutionized the way psychology thinks about compassionate and passionate love. Later on, researchers influenced by Hatfield’s past research published their work on a compassionate love scale in the Journal Of Social and Personal Relationships. Compassion has also greatly influenced other scale systems such as the Professional Quality of Life Scale and Compassionate Love For Humanity Scale.
Suppose you want to learn more about the psychology of compassion. In that case, you can check out the book The Science of Compassionate Love: Theory, Research, and Applications by Beverley Fehr, Susan Sprecher, and Lynn G. Underwood (the creators of the Compassionate Love For Humanity Scale), as well as the research of Elaine Hatfield.
Why Is Self-Compassion Important?
Self-compassion is just as important as compassion for other human beings. Self-compassion plays a major role in mental health and well-being and also allows us to have a fully human experience.
Recent research has found that self-compassion exercises lead to reduced negative emotions and anxiety. People who exhibit self-compassion often have better mental health and experience greater overall subjective well-being. In the study, the researchers used brief measures of the positive and negative affect schedule (PANAS) to measure emotions and found the before and after changes statistically significant. However, the levels of mental well-being were self-reported, so there is concern about potential bias in the study. Future research and further investigation are needed to confirm if a lack of self-compassion has such an effect on people’s negative affect.
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