You're not alone if you aren't sure how to seduce your wife or be more romantic. Studies find that libido (your desire for sex) can reduce with age or time with a partner. Reduced sex may result from being too busy, a lack of intimacy, and other factors. By improving your romantic life, you may also improve your sex life, so understanding how to use seduction could be valuable.
How Much Sex Is "Normal" With Your Wife?
Improving intimacy in a marriage might seem to mean increasing the number of times you have sex. However, this may not be the case. Intimacy (the closeness you experience with your spouse) has many facets, including intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Intimacy is a process that occurs over time that may not have an "ending." When any area of intimacy is ignored, the whole relationship may struggle.
Studies find that the average heterosexual couple has sex about once a week. Lesbian couples may have longer sex instead of more sex, lasting 30 minutes or more at a time. The definition of what defines sex for lesbian relationships can be different, as it is less performance-based and more intimacy-based. However, every couple is different. What's "normal" can mean what is fulfilling for you and your partner. Knowing what's fulfilling can require communication.
According to research by the Health Research Funding organization, the most common causes of a sexless marriage include the following:
- Hurt feelings about the past
- One partner with a lower libido
- A breakdown of communication
- A lack of trust
- Family pressures, such as children, money, or career
How To Be More Intimate With Your Wife
Intimacy in a relationship may include sex, but sex is not necessarily the only aspect. Reconnecting with your partner through romance can increase connection and comfort, which may cause your partner and you to feel more prepared for sexual connection. Below are a few ways to increase intimacy with your wife, regardless of gender.
Use Your Words
Love letters are an ancient art, and some women appreciate receiving them. If your spouse's love language is words of affirmation, receiving a letter you wrote with unique aspects of your love and a significant amount of effort may touch their heart. You can start your love letter with a salutation. Try a pet name or a loving greeting. If you think it fits your wife's personality, you could try introductions like: "My dearest (name)," "For the love of my life," or "To my beautiful wife," among others.
When you write, tell her you're writing to remind her how special she is and how lucky and happy you are that she chose to spend the rest of her life with you. You can also write about a time you felt connected to your partner in the past when you felt that time stopped. This moment may be your wedding day, first date, a memorable late-night talk, or another special moment. If you have plans to grow older together, tell her how much you look forward to spending your golden years together.
After you've written your letter, leave it where they will find it. You may want to leave it with a favorite flower next to their side of the bed or in the kitchen, where they will see it when they are drinking coffee. Be genuine and authentic with this letter if you hope to seduce your partner, and feel free to continue your thoughts in the form of a conversation with them.
Even though you may seek physical intimacy, be honest in your letter, and remember that offering love and intimacy to someone you care about doesn't guarantee sex. Try to see any offering of love as a genuine attempt to connect instead of trying to convince your partner to be physically intimate with you.
Consider What She Likes
Consider the activities, hobbies, and ideas your wife is interested in. Perhaps she loves eating out. If this is the case, you could surprise her after work by driving her to a romantic restaurant where you've made reservations. Leave a romantic outfit on the seat and some makeup to change into in case she's still in her work clothes. Call the restaurant beforehand and have champagne (or another favorite beverage) on the table when you arrive.
If your wife enjoys gardening and plants, you could clean your home and put a huge bow on a new potted plant, leaving it on the kitchen counter with a card next to it. The possibilities are endless, and each person has unique desires and hobbies. You know your spouse's tastes, so use this knowledge to your advantage to aid in your seduction. Make them feel special and let them know you are genuinely interested in making them happy.
Rekindle The Sexual Spark
One way to rebuild sexual intimacy is by taking specific steps to rekindle the spark. You could try the following ideas:
- Take your wife to the lingerie store to pick out an outfit
- Buy sexual items or toys to use together
- Talk about fantasies and kinks with each other
- Take a sex quiz online
- Open the dialogue about sexual positions or activities you've wanted to try
- See a sex therapist to discuss sexual challenges
- Practice sexual meditation or mindfulness together, such as paired breathing
Use Foreplay More Often
If you often go straight for certain sex acts when you and your partner start having sex, you might benefit from spending more time on foreplay. Try making out, cuddling naked, kissing your partner's body, or using a hot massage oil. Allow both you and your partner to concentrate on sensation and the emotional connection between you. Anticipation can make sex more desirable for some people. Instead of seeing sex as a way to orgasm, see it as a way to get to know each other on a new level each time it occurs.
Consider Sex Therapy
While the above ideas might offer some support, reaching out for professional guidance to rekindle a spark is normal and healthy. In these cases, couples therapy or sex therapy might be beneficial. One specialized form of couples therapy uses the Gottman Method. Also known as the "sound relationship house theory," this type of counseling applies the metaphor of a house with seven floors for a successful marriage. Each floor represents a method for building intimacy by building new skills to benefit the relationship.
Studies have found that Gottman's-based couples therapy effectively improves intimacy and compatibility, including for couples with severe marriage challenges. The Gottman method helps couples develop problem-solving skills that help improve emotional stability and family strength. Other studies found Gottman's method increased marital satisfaction and reduced marital problems a year after therapy concluded.
If you face barriers to traditional couples therapy due to financial insecurity or another cause, research shows that online therapy can be as effective as face-to-face options. Online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples make it easier for couples to connect with a professional counselor. Couples can meet with their therapist from home and may be able to attend therapy from two separate locations if needed. In addition, online therapy is more cost-effective.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Below are several frequently asked questions about rekindling intimacy with your wife.
How Can I Attract My Wife Sexually?
Women can take longer than men to reach arousal and orgasm. According to studies, women take ten to 20 minutes to feel fully aroused, not including feeling ready to orgasm. To seduce your wife or attract her sexually, take time to listen to and deliver her needs. Try not to focus on orgasming or finishing sex quickly. If you often have penetrative sex, slow down and try other activities, such as oral sex, fingering, or using toys. Sex can last longer than 30 minutes for those who savor it.
How Can I Impress My Wife In Bed At Night?
Although you might feel that you need many sexual tricks up your sleeve to have meaningful sex, this may not be true. Instead of focusing on your appearance or technique, invest in your emotional connection with your wife. Listening, responding, and fully engaging with your wife is one way to grow this connection. When you're in bed at night, your wife might feel ready to sleep or relax after a long day.
Always practice enthusiastic consent, and don't push your wife if she's unready. Although some people believe that married couples "should always" say "yes" to sex, this idea doesn't focus on the sexual needs of both parties. It can qualify as marital sexual assault, which can be traumatic and ruin future sex for both people.
How Do You Get Your Wife To Notice You?
Feeling neglected or unnoticed in your relationship may mean your needs aren't being met in the relationship. Relationships often benefit from maintenance and dedication. Within that realm is a conscious effort to see, include, and care for a partner. If you feel your spouse is uninterested in you, have an honest, open, and respectful dialogue with her. Let her know you feel unheard, unappreciated, or unnoticed.
If your needs continue to go unnoticed, you might choose to request an intervention with the help of a trained therapist or marriage counselor. Mental health professionals are trained to recognize and mediate relationships like marriages to help couples learn how to communicate, express their needs, and fulfill the needs of their spouses more effectively.
When Does A Woman Become Sexually Inactive?
The age of sexual inactivity varies widely from person to person, culture to culture, and situation to situation. Sexual inactivity can come and go, as well. People of every gender may lose libido as they age. In addition, some women may lose libido temporarily after the birth of a child or during breastfeeding, which can be normal. Women may also lose interest in sex on the cusp of menopause or during this phase of their life.
Some women experience vaginal dryness or sexual difficulty as they age, often due to declining or absent estrogen production. However, this factor alone is not necessarily enough to reduce libido. There is no one answer to when someone won't want as much sex. Some studies suggest that people of all genders continue to have sex throughout their entire lives.
How Do I Get My Partner In The Mood?
To understand how to turn your partner on, ask her, "What gets you in the mood?" If discussing sex is not a standard part of your relationship, opening up the conversation may remove some of the fear of asking for sex. Give your spouse some time, or take a sex interests quiz to discuss your interests. You might find that talking about sex makes both of you feel more turned on.
How Can I Satisfy My Wife Physically?
Sex is a personal activity, and there is no single way to satisfy anyone. Like a fingerprint is unique to every individual, pleasure and sexuality are nuanced, unique, and different from person to person. When satisfying your wife, there may not be a magic button, secret trick, or long-standing tradition. Instead, there is communication, showing affection, and dedication to pleasuring one another.
Satisfying sex may involve closeness, intimacy, love, and support. Although some mainstream depictions of heterosexual couples suggest that sex is a throwaway activity for men and an emotionally fraught activity for women, research suggests this is not the case. Both men and women require intimacy, respect, and devotion to develop a satisfying sex life.
How Do I Know If My Wife Is Sexually Satisfied?
To know whether your wife is satisfied, ask her. Communication is essential to creating a healthy, happy relationship, including sexual satisfaction. Although it can be frightening or alarming to learn that your spouse is sexually dissatisfied, knowing she is dissatisfied can help you change your sexual strategies and open a conversation about what she enjoys. During sex, you can check in with your partner by asking questions like:
- Do you enjoy that?
- How do you feel?
- Do you want me to try something else?
- Do you like this?
- Are you turned on right now?
- Did you orgasm?
- What do you want me to do to you?
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