How To Seduce Your Wife Through Intimacy And Romance

Medically reviewed by Paige Henry, LMSW, J.D.
Updated April 30, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

You're not alone if you aren't sure how to seduce your wife or be more romantic. Studies find that libido (your desire for sex) can reduce with age or time with a partner. Reduced sex may result from being too busy, a lack of intimacy, and other factors. By improving your romantic life, you may also improve your sex life, so understanding how to use seduction could be valuable. 

Are you having trouble bringing the spark back?

How much sex is “normal” with your wife?

Improving intimacy in a marriage might seem to mean increasing the number of times you have sex. However, this may not be the case. Intimacy (the closeness you experience with your spouse) has many facets, including intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Intimacy is a process that occurs over time that may not have an "ending." When any area of intimacy is ignored, the whole relationship may struggle.  

Studies find that the average heterosexual couple has sex about once a week. Lesbian couples may have longer sex instead of more sex, lasting 30 minutes or more at a time. The definition of what defines sex for lesbian relationships can be different, as it is less performance-based and more intimacy-based. However, every couple is different. What's "normal" can mean what is fulfilling for you and your partner. Knowing what's fulfilling can require communication. 

According to research by the Health Research Funding organization, the most common causes of a sexless marriage include the following: 

  • Hurt feelings about the past
  • One partner with a lower libido 
  • Busyness 
  • A breakdown of communication
  • A lack of trust
  • Anxiety
  • Family pressures, such as children, money, or career
If your relationship has lacked sex, it might help to start reconnecting as individuals rather than focusing on performance or an end goal. Seduction is not about strategy; it can be more about knowing your partner, fostering love and connection, and enjoying the physical and emotional bond between you. As you grow more intimate in other areas, sexual intimacy may follow.

How to be more intimate with your wife

Intimacy in a relationship may include sex, but sex is not necessarily the only aspect. Reconnecting with your partner through romance can increase connection and comfort, which may cause your partner and you to feel more prepared for sexual connection. Below are a few ways to increase intimacy with your wife, regardless of gender. 

Use your words 

Love letters are an ancient art, and some women appreciate receiving them. If your spouse's love language is words of affirmation, receiving a letter you wrote with unique aspects of your love and a significant amount of effort may touch their heart. You can start your love letter with a salutation. Try a pet name or a loving greeting. If you think it fits your wife's personality, you could try introductions like: "My dearest (name)," "For the love of my life," or "To my beautiful wife," among others. 

When you write, tell her you're writing to remind her how special she is and how lucky and happy you are that she chose to spend the rest of her life with you. You can also write about a time you felt connected to your partner in the past when you felt that time stopped. This moment may be your wedding day, first date, a memorable late-night talk, or another special moment. If you have plans to grow older together, tell her how much you look forward to spending your golden years together. 

After you've written your letter, leave it where they will find it. You may want to leave it with a favorite flower next to the side of the bed or in the kitchen, where they will see it when they are drinking coffee. Be genuine and authentic with this letter if you hope to seduce your partner, and feel free to continue your thoughts in the form of a conversation with them. 

Even though you may seek physical intimacy, be honest in your letter, and remember that offering love and intimacy to someone you care about doesn't guarantee sex. Try to see any offering of love as a genuine attempt to connect instead of trying to convince your partner to be physically intimate with you.  

Getty/Halfpoint Images

Consider what she likes 

Consider the activities, hobbies, and ideas your wife is interested in. Perhaps she loves eating out. If this is the case, you could surprise her after work by driving her to a romantic restaurant where you've made reservations. Leave a romantic outfit on the seat and some makeup to change into in case she's still in her work clothes. Call the restaurant beforehand and have champagne (or another favorite beverage) on the table when you arrive.

If your wife enjoys gardening and plants, you could clean your home and put a huge bow on a new potted plant, leaving it on the kitchen counter with a card next to it. The possibilities are endless, and each person has unique desires and hobbies. You know your spouse's tastes, so use this knowledge to your advantage to aid in your seduction. Make them feel special and let them know you are genuinely interested in making them happy.

Rekindle the sexual spark 

One way to rebuild sexual intimacy is by taking specific steps to rekindle the spark. You could try the following ideas: 

  • Take your wife to the lingerie store to pick out an outfit 
  • Buy sexual items or toys to use together 
  • Talk about fantasies and kinks with each other
  • Take a sex quiz online
  • Open the dialogue about sexual positions or activities you've wanted to try 
  • See a sex therapist to discuss sexual challenges 
  • Practice sexual meditation or mindfulness together, such as paired breathing 

Use foreplay more often 

If you often go straight for certain sex acts when you and your partner start having sex, you might benefit from spending more time on foreplay. Try making out, cuddling naked, kissing your partner's body, or using a hot massage oil. Allow both you and your partner to concentrate on sensation and the emotional connection between you. Anticipation can make sex more desirable for some people. Instead of seeing sex as a way to orgasm, see it as a way to get to know each other on a new level each time it occurs. 

Getty/Xavier Lorenzo
Are you having trouble bringing the spark back?

Consider sex therapy

While the above ideas might offer some support, reaching out for professional guidance to rekindle a spark is normal and healthy. In these cases, couples therapy or sex therapy might be beneficial. One specialized form of couples therapy uses the Gottman Method. Also known as the "sound relationship house theory," this type of counseling applies the metaphor of a house with seven floors for a successful marriage. Each floor represents a method for building intimacy by building new skills to benefit the relationship. 

Studies have found that Gottman-based couples therapy effectively improves intimacy and compatibility, including for couples with severe marriage challenges. The Gottman method helps couples develop problem-solving skills that help improve emotional stability and family strength. Other studies found Gottman's method increased marital satisfaction and reduced marital problems a year after therapy concluded. 

If you face barriers to traditional couples therapy due to financial insecurity or another cause, research shows that online therapy can be as effective as face-to-face options. Online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples makes it easier for couples to connect with a professional counselor. Couples can meet with their therapist from home and may be able to attend therapy from two separate locations if needed. In addition, online therapy is more cost-effective.  


No matter how long it's been since your marriage lost its spark, there are ways to rekindle the flame. Talking with a qualified mental health professional can help you and your partner find this passion again, both in the bedroom and in your marriage. Consider reaching out to a couples therapist to gain further insight into your options.
Marriage can come with complex challenges
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