My Husband Hates Me – How Can I Save Our Marriage?

By: Jessica Anderson

Updated June 22, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Laura Angers

If you feel like your husband doesn't love you as much as they did in the past, you may be feeling heartbroken, and you're probably afraid of what the future might bring. These feelings are normal because the challenge you're facing can be overwhelming. However, you should know that there is hope. You can find a way through this, whether that means finding the strength to leave or making the effort to fix your marriage. With the right tools, you can get back to a healthy, happy life with fulfilling relationships.

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Before taking permanent steps to end your relationship, it's important to figure outwhy your husband is acting the way they are. More likely than not, your partner loves you, but you're in a difficult relationship stage. If this is the case, your marriage can be saved, and there are many ways to do it. As relationships move forward, the initial spark tends to fade. This means the passion that once consumed your marriage, the giddy phase with constant laughs, compliments, and physical intimacy, tends to diminish as well. This is completely normal, and it's a healthy step in a lifelong marriage.

As life moves on, stress levels rise, and additional challenges appear. Think back to when you and your husband first met. Everything you did together was likely a joy, even if they were simple adult tasks such as paying bills or cleaning the house. Now, think about how these things fit into your life today. The very same tasks probably went from being a joy to being a stressor in your relationship. You've grown, changed, and faced big things together. This added stress can cause negative emotions to develop between you and your husband even if these negative emotions aren't about the other person. So, is your partner, perhaps, simply stressed?

Toxic Behavior Versus Relationship Challenges

Also look at your disagreements and study the way they end. Is your husband behaving toxically from a place of hatred or are they frustrated and feeling alone in the relationship? Is something else going on in their life that you don't know about or that could be affecting them? You will want to find these answers before giving up on the relationship.

Spouses who are behaving toxically will end arguments in one of two ways: First, they may retreat, becoming more silent and remote over time. Second, they may become more and more explosive. They may not ever reach the apologetic stage or show any emotion about the hurt they cause. Even when the arguments are completely healthy, a toxic partnerwill repeatedly exhibit these traits.

That said, you'll want to ensure that your arguments are healthy because that's an important part of any marriage. When you're in the middle of a disagreement, remember to speak calmly and avoid accusations. Stand up for yourself but look at areas where you may be able to improve or take responsibility as well. If you're unable to reach an agreement on a topic, there should be some sort of compromise or an "agree to disagree" solution.

It's also essential to avoid personal attacks when a disagreement occurs. It can be easy and tempting to bring up past troubles or personal faults but it's not necessary or helpful. These tactics tend to bring a defensive side out of the other person, leading healthy disagreements down a darker path.


Another topic to consider in disagreements is self-esteem. According to a Yale University study, viewing a relationship as completely good or completely bad is a sign of low self-esteem. Relationships have ups and downs; this is simply a part of being close to another human being. If you consider them successful in the good moments and unsuccessful in the hard patches, it will make things even more difficult.

When you have low self-esteem, you may have a harder time having healthy arguments. This is because, if you're not confident, you're more likely to feel as if others are attacking you even when they're trying to convey things in a helpful and gentle way. If you're struggling with low self-esteem, you will need to care for yourself first before you can care for your partner. If your partner has low self-esteem, they will need to do the same.

If your husband is struggling with low self-esteem, this may be why they appear to hate you from time to time. Social withdrawal is a symptom of low self-confidence, as is hostility, and you might be seeing both in your relationship. If your husband isn't happy with themselves, apologizes excessively, or seems upset with how they look or perform, they may need help with their self-esteem before you can work on your relationship.

Repairable Relationship Signs

  • Other stressors affecting relationship
  • Healthy arguments
  • Low self-esteem

Toxic Relationship Signs

  • Retreating emotions
  • Explosive arguments
  • Personal attacks

Tips to Move Forward

Whether you're in a hard place in your marriage or your relationship is beyond repair, there are ways to overcome it. If you're in a relationship where you can no longer reason with your spouse, you may want to consider leaving. With a little resilience and help from a trusted counselor, you can get back to a happy place in life. If you're simply in a relationship rut, try the methods below to improve your relationship.

Go On Dates

As your relationship goes on and the passion fades, it can be difficult to take time out of your busy schedules for romance. However, regular date nights can make a significant difference in your marriage. Consider picking a day of the week and turning it into "date night." Go out to dinner, have a movie night at home, or explore a nearby attraction. Have fun, laugh, and grow closer to your partner. Through dates and simply spending time together, you can get your relationship back to a healthier place.

Talk To Each Other

When life gets busy, remember to take time to talk to each other as well. Communication is one of the most important aspects in a relationship, and a lack of communication can lead to a wide variety of challenges. Talk to your husband and ask them about their day. Learn about the struggles they may be facingand fill them in on any hardships you may be going through as well. Ask them how they feel about the relationship and tell them how you feel. By keeping communication open, you eliminate doubt and discover how to grow closer to one another every day.

Reduce Stress Levels

If your relationship challenges are caused by stress, try your best to eliminate your stressors. Get adequate rest, exercise, and eat well. Consider deep breathing, meditation, and other stress management techniques. By allowing yourselves to feel more relaxed and happy, you'll have more energy to put into your relationship, and you'll grow closer to your partner because of it.

Are You Worried About Saving Your Marriage? Couple's Counseling Could Help
Strengthen Your Marriage in Online Therapy With A Licensed Counselor Today


Seek Professional Help

When the above tactics are simply not enough, you may want to consider reaching out to a professional. Mental health counselors can work with you on your relationship, whether you're in a normal rut or you're married to someone exhibiting toxic behavior. A counselor can provide an unbiased view to show you what you need to do to make things better for you.

Online therapy, such as using BetterHelp, is another option. A recent study looked at how effective people thought online couples therapy worked for them. Fifteen couples were interviewed and when they had finished, the majority said their experience was beneficial and positive. While some of them were initially concerned about the distance between them and the therapist, they said that a video call allowed them to be fully immersed in the therapeutic process, feel more in control, and stillconnected well with the therapist.

Online therapy has plenty of other draws, too. BetterHelp has thousands of counselors, meaning that you and your partner have the room and flexibility to find the right person for you. And if money is a topic that you frequently fight over, online therapy tends to be less expensive than traditional face-to-face therapy.

You may read the full study here: Marriage: A Randomized Controlled Trial of the Web-Based OurRelationship Program: Effects on Relationship and Individual Functioning.

Read the reviews below to learn how BetterHelp's counselors helped people experiencing similar issues. 

Counselor Reviews

"Within just a few sessions with Monica, I was in a much better place emotionally, mentally, and had renewed hope. After a strong rift with my husband , I needed a compassionate ear that wasn't my friends or family. She listened, gave me good feedback and assigned helpful habits. So far everything she suggested has been working really well. Thanks to her I've made great progress, and I'm excited to continue until I'm back to me. I'm so glad and thankful to better help for not only providing therapy at a price I could afford, but having sessions from home, which has been important for me since all of this has made me paranoid about going out to seek help. I know I have more work to do, but with Monica and better help I'm more hopeful now than I have been in about two years. That's priceless to me."

“My counselor does a great job of making me feel heard and giving me tools to help me be more in control of my emotions. He has and continues to help me navigate one of the most challenging periods in my career and marriage in these unprecedented times. Thank you for providing a platform that works so well with my busy life!” Read more on Roberto Diaz.


No matter what struggles you're facing in your relationship, there is hope. If you're in a hateful marriage, consider finding the strength to leave. If your relationship is healthy but unhappy, work with your partner to get things back on track together. Whatever you decide, a qualified therapist can help. You deserve happiness, and you're strong enough to overcome even the most difficult relationship issues. Take the first step toward a fulfilling relationship today.

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