Why Do I Hate My Husband Sometimes?
By: Jessica Saxena
Updated November 04, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Laura Angers
When we marry someone, the words "for better or for worse" is traditionally included in the vows. Most of us take the phrase "or worse" to mean life circumstances such as sickness, job loss, or financial issues. We don't necessarily realize that the words could also mean when the man we married is at his worst in personality or behavior.
No one goes into a marriage wanting to one day hate their spouse, but over time, things can happen that make you start to feel that way. Once you can identify the underlying emotion of why you are feeling this way, you can begin to resolve these feelings. If you hate your spouse and this feeling is sustained, then the best course of action is to seek professional help to move forward.
What Can I Do If I Hate My Husband?
The first step to no longer hating your husband is to evaluate the situation carefully. Objectively consider what you hate about your husband; look at any external factors that may influence your feelings and analyze your role in these feelings. Then you'll want to work on addressing the factors you have identified that you can. Getting help from a counselor, either individually or together as a couple, has a high success rate. Many couples get help working through relationship problems, so seeking help is often extremely beneficial if you feel this way. Research shows that online therapy is a powerful tool in strengthening couples.
You may read the full study here: Marriage: A Randomized Controlled Trial of the Web-Based OurRelationship Program: Effects on Relationship and Individual Functioning.
Common Causes Of Marital Disagreements
While every relationship is different, many things disrupt married couples at one point or another. Here is a list of some of the most common marital disagreements.
Morning Breath And Other Grooming Habits
When our mates become comfortable and forget to brush their teeth before the first-morning kiss, we are in a slight predicament, i.e., kissing a mouth with an unpleasant odor or holding our breath to avoid hurting his feelings. The resentment can start to settle in—fast. It doesn't just end with morning breath. When husbands don't take the time to groom properly or put effort into their appearance, their partners can become resentful.
Farting In Bed
This one can be a real pet peeve. If we think about the biology of passing gas, then there is no real argument about whether or not it should be done in public. The argument that flatulence is a natural condition may be so, but so is urinating, and no one does that in the middle of the living room or the bed. Sometimes the expulsion of gas expels more than air, and it only takes one time of having to clean—that—off the bed linens to kill the libido for a while.
Sometimes men think their job's stress is more important than a woman's job stress or that they work harder than women. However, more women than ever are competing in job markets that men once dominated. Women, on average, indeed make less than men in most jobs, but in many households where women work, women are still expected to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. Plus, they often have the added stress of feeding and bathing kids and doing the laundry and dishes. The toll of this uneven sharing of domestic labor can be enough to make someone hate their husband.
No Date Night For The Weary
Women work hard, and they often carry the emotional burdens of everyone around them, including their husbands. They begin to ask themselves why they got married in the first place. The answer is obvious. They love the man they married and enjoyed their time together when he took them to dinner and planned fun dates with friends. However, when a man quits planning date nights and falls into a routine with no alone time together, it can make a woman feel less special and unappreciated. Now, there are just bills to pay, college funds, and chores.
None of this has anything to do with reasons to marry. However, they all have something to do with being married. The little things like hygiene and gas can become big arguments when a couple does not pay attention to the more important parts of the relationship. To certain people, when their husband does not brush his teeth or fart in bed, it says to them that he does not care if they are attracted to him or not. So, when an argument erupts over an important issue like money, kid's grades, or even where to go on vacation, the little things that bothered them before can come to the forefront of their minds, and yes, it makes them hate their husbands—or at least it feels like they do.
Ways To Stop Hating Your Husband
You won't likely stop hating your husband overnight. It will take both time and effort, and chances are it isn't going to be easy. But, if you want to save your marriage and reduce the level of stress you are feeling, try using some or all of the following techniques.
Focus On The Positive
When we are actively irritated, it is hard to focus on an individual's good qualities at the table. So while you may hate your husband's morning breath, focus on the positive things he does, like bringing you home flowers after a successful day at work, to help you counter your feelings of hatred.
Accept Him For Who He Is
This may be hard, but learn to accept your husband for who he is—flaws and all. Come to peace with the fact that we all make mistakes and leave your hurt feelings behind so you can move forward from these negative feelings. You married him for the man he is, but you have to accept that everyone changes over time.
Work On Your Communication
Many times feelings of hatred stem from a lack of communication. Work on being open and honest with each other rather than letting it brew and fester into something bigger than it needs to be.
Writing your thoughts down in a journal is an effective tool for getting to the root cause of bothering you. By writing out your feelings, you may find that you don't hate your husband. Instead, you can identify a minor or major issue that, if fixed, will likely improve things considerably.
When you hold on to negative thoughts and feelings, it is easy to see the bad things only. Practicing gratitude regularly has the opposite effect; by focusing on the good things, your mood will shift from negative to positive, and you may appreciate your husband more.
BetterHelp Can Help
It can be difficult to get an objective view of what is going on in your personal life. Talking with someone outside of the relationship can help give you some perspective that you can use to improve your relationship. This is where working with a professional comes in handy. BetterHelp offers online counseling that can help you work through your current feelings. Additionally, BetterHelp also offers specialized couple's counseling through ReGain.
As opposed to traditional counseling, online counseling is more accessible and more convenient. Rather than finding the time to go to the counselor's physical location, you can talk with them via chat, messaging, video, or phone. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing similar issues.
"My husband and I are very appreciative of Valorie's help and guidance in helping us work through some marital issues. After a few months of working weekly with her, we feel better equipped to weather our storms."
"Stephanie is a gem! She's very thoughtful, thorough, honest, insightful, but most of all helpful. This is coming from a person that never wanted to do counseling and just "knew" I didn't need it. She's been key in helping my wife and me find our better place. She made us grow as a couple and individually. Thanks, Steph!"
To stop hating your husband, you need to identify the underlying causes and emotions that make you feel this way. Techniques can help you work through these emotions but getting to the bottom of it often requires the help of a professional. No matter what you are experiencing, a fulfilling relationship is possible. All you need are the right tools, some understanding, and self-compassion. Take the first step today.
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