Why Do I Feel Like I Hate My Husband Sometimes?

Medically reviewed by Majesty Purvis, LCMHC
Updated September 27, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

When a couple gets married, the phrase "for better or for worse" may be included in the vows. Many may take the phrase "for worse" to mean life circumstances such as sickness, job loss, or financial issues. 

However, the words could also signify a personality or behavioral change for the worse. In these cases and others, you might feel negatively toward your spouse. Experiencing negative emotions toward your spouse can be normal, and there are steps to take if you hope to improve the relationship.

Do you need help navigating negative feelings toward your spouse?

Why do I have negative feelings toward my spouse?

It may be that you didn't go into your marriage wanting to one day resent, dislike, or loathe your spouse. Over time, or with certain circumstances, you may find that you start to feel this way. There could be an imbalance of power, infidelity, unfair treatment, or a refusal to compromise.

Whatever has happened to make you feel this way, resolving it can be valuable. Wounds left unhealed may grow into more significant issues with time. Once you can identify the underlying reason for your change of heart, you might move past these feelings.

If you feel negatively toward your spouse and this feeling is sustained, rely on healthy communication and seek professional help. 

What can I do if I'm experiencing negative feelings?

Evaluate your situation carefully. Objectively consider where these emotions might be coming from. You might look at any external factors influencing your feelings and analyze your role in these feelings. 

Once you've identified the factors in how you're feeling, you can begin to address them individually and alongside your spouse.

Common causes of marital disagreements

"I feel like my husband hates me, I wonder why?" While every relationship can be different, many factors disrupt married couples at one point or another. These disagreements could create negative feelings in the marriage, primarily if they aren't addressed. 

1. Financial problems 

Financial problems may cause feelings of contempt in a marriage. For example, one spouse may be a saver while the other is a spender. One may have loads of debt, while the other has worked diligently to pay theirs off. Some couples keep their money separate to avoid these issues.

2. Children 

Couples may disagree about how to raise their kids effectively. One may be stricter, while the other wants more leniency. Spouses might argue over how many children they want or if they want any at all. To avoid this, try to discuss children before getting married. If you already have children, marriage or family counseling may be valuable. 

Getty/AnnaStills

3. Intimacy issues 

At times, a relationship may be incompatible in intimacy levels. For example, perhaps you don't feel up to intimacy, and your spouse continues to push for it. This disharmony may create tension and can make one or both spouses feel like their needs aren't being met. 

In terms of emotional intimacy, one spouse might open up about their feelings frequently while the other is more closed off, leading to an emotional imbalance. Spending too much time apart could also create distance in a relationship. Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is often vital in a healthy marriage. When these issues persist, it’s easy to feel frustration building, which can sometimes lead to the thought, "I hate my husband," even if it’s not truly how you feel.

4. Expectations 

Everyone may enter relationships with certain expectations of themselves and others. When these expectations aren't met, resentment could grow.

5. Infidelity 

Being unfaithful to one's spouse may fracture a sense of trust and intimacy in the marriage. At times, these bonds can be rebuilt. Other times, one spouse can no longer trust again, and the marriage feels permanently broken.

6. Family

In-laws, siblings, and other parts of the family might come between spouses, especially if cultural or personality differences exist. In some cases, spouses choose to compromise with one another to help avoid issues created by the family.

7. Infertility

Not being able to conceive when desired or lacking resources to reproductive care and family planning may strain a marriage, leading to feelings of guilt, sadness, and despair.

8. Career difficulties

Stress from one's job may put stress on a relationship. Spouses often work to maintain a healthy work-life balance to avoid this.

9. Lack of effort 

In the initial stages of a relationship, everything may feel light and easy. Once two people get married, though, life can get more complicated. A couple might fall into a less exciting routine with less time alone. 

When couples stop going on dates or doing favors for each other, the lack of effort may come across as a loss of love. This change might lead to sadness, resentment, or anger. 

10. Abuse

Any abuse in a marriage is not your fault. Whether it be emotional, physical, verbal, mental, sexual, or otherwise, abuse can cause damage in a marriage in the long term and may cause a loss of love. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

11. Ignoring issues 

You may want to address issues in a marriage as they arise instead of ignoring them. "Small" arguments may become significant when a couple does not pay attention to vital areas of the relationship. 

How to reduce negative feelings toward a spouse

Reducing your negative feelings toward your spouse may require time and effort. If you want to save your marriage and reduce stress levels, try using research-based techniques to connect with your spouse.

Getty/AnnaStills
Do you need help navigating negative feelings toward your spouse?

In some cases, you may find that you prefer to give up on the relationship, which can also be valid. You do not have to stay in a relationship that is harming you in any way. 

Focus on the positive

It may feel harder to focus on your partner's positive qualities if you feel irritated. While you may dislike some of your spouse's habits, try to focus on the positive behaviors they possess, the qualities that made you attracted to them at first.

It can be helpful to remember the reasons you fell in love with your partner. You might write the reasons down on a list and give it to them. 

Accept them as they are

Learn to accept your spouse for who they are deep down. You might choose to remember the mistakes you've made in your own life and connect to your shared humanity with your partner.

While you may have married someone for the person they were at the time, you might also choose to accept that everyone can change over time. Try to think of any positive ways your partner has changed as well. 

Work on effective communication

Many times, negative feelings may stem from a lack of communication. Work on being open and honest with each other rather than letting it brew and fester into something bigger than it needs to be. Avoid the four horsemen of contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling in your conversations. Instead, remain vulnerable, empathetic, and open.

Glenn House, LPC
I used to struggle with anger and trust issues towards my husband when I first talked to Glenn. He listened to me attentively and asked questions delicately and politely. I felt that he cared about my case and really wanted to help me… Glenn taught me to forgive, manage conflicts, and express and receive love. Now I enjoy my close and intimate relationship with my loved one, and there's no place for anger and hate in me anymore. Finally, I feel understood, supported, happy and calm. And I'm so thankful to Glenn for guiding me there.”

Journal

Writing your thoughts down in a journal can be an effective tool for getting to the root cause of what may be bothering you. You may find that you don't dislike or loathe your spouse by writing out your feelings. Instead, you can identify a minor or major issue that, if fixed, may improve things considerably.

Practice gratitude

Holding on to negative thoughts and feelings may make it easier to see negative qualities and avoid positive ones. Practicing gratitude could have the opposite effect; by focusing on the positive traits in your spouse, your mood may shift from negative to positive, and you could appreciate your spouse more.

Try counseling

It can feel challenging to get an objective view of what is going on in your personal life. Talking with someone outside of the relationship may allow you a new perspective that you can use to improve your relationship. Many couples prefer the affordability of online counseling. 

Getting help from a counselor, either individually or together as a couple, has a high success rate. One study found that those participating in web-based couples therapy "reported significant improvements in relationship satisfaction, confidence, and negative relationship quality." They also reported improvements in individual functioning, such as experiencing fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety. 

Consider working with a therapist on an online platform such as BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. Both platforms offer a growing database of counselors available to support you with your emotions. 

Takeaway

Experiencing negative emotions toward your spouse from time to time can be normal. How you handle these feelings and move forward may make a difference. You can start by identifying the underlying causes that make you feel this way. Next, have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about how you feel. A healthy, safe relationship is often possible with the right tools, understanding, and self-compassion. If you want professional support, consider contacting a counselor to learn more.
Marriage can come with complex challenges
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