What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is an umbrella term to describe relationship structures that allow participating in multiple romantic or sexual partnerships simultaneously on the basis of mutual consent and mutual respect. People in consensually non-monogamous relationships may engage in casual dating, casual sex, and/or polyamorous relationships where they can have primary partners, secondary partner(s), and/or additional connections. The key element is that all people involved are on the same page, engage in emotional honesty, and respect each other's personal freedom and boundaries. 

ENM challenges traditional ideas of primarily monogamous partnerships as the only option, though both relationship styles are valid. Below is an overview of ENM along with how to find support for concerns related to any kind of relationship.

What is ethical non-monogamy (ENM)?

While most people in the US consider themselves monogamous, it has been estimated that over one-fifth of single Americans have engaged in consensual non-monogamous relationships (21.9%). 

Reasons people choose ethical non-monogamy

There are many different reasons some people may choose ethical non-monogamy, and these are unique to each individual. Below are a few common reasons:

• Explore sexuality: Ethical non-monogamy may allow a person to explore their sexuality while still maintaining a relationship they care about.
• Love more than one person: Some people feel they are predisposed to love two or more people romantically and that they can be their truest selves with ethical non-monogamy.
• Have variety: Some people might like having variety in their sex and romantic life, and an ethical non-monogamous relationship can allow them to do so while maintaining a healthy relationship with their partner(s).
• Meet needs: For some people, a primary motivation for ENM is to have different partners who can each meet different physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and/or intellectual needs.

The potential benefits of ethical non-monogamy

For people who choose ethical non-monogamy, this relationship style can have many potential benefits, such as:

• Greater self-awareness and significant personal growth
• A more extensive support network that can provide emotional support
• Opportunities for fulfilling relationships built on transparency and trust
• The chance to explore one’s sexual behavior and intimate relationships without shame

Challenges and misconceptions about ENM

While ethical non-monogamy is a valid relationship style and can be perfectly healthy, people who practice it may sometimes still face judgment or stigma from others. Part of the reason for this may stem from misunderstandings about what ENM is. 

Some people mistakenly view it as cheating, but this is not the case when the arrangement has been agreed upon beforehand. The main difference is consent. Healthy ENM requires mutual consent, mutual respect, and clear agreements. It’s not an excuse for infidelity or neglect, and cheating in any type of relationship is a breach of trust. 

Another common misconception about ethical non-monogamy is that those who identify as men are far more interested in and likely to engage in it. In reality, as many women as men—or even more women—report interest in ENM, though cultural narratives often portray it differently. ENM is also common in the LGBTQIA+ community. A person of any gender identity or sexual orientation can practice and enjoy ethical non-monogamy. 

Common types of ethically non-monogamous relationships

Non-exclusive relationships—from romantic partnerships to casual sexual encounters—can look very different depending on the individuals involved and the agreed-upon parameters. That said, all typically require mutual consent, open communication, and clarity about the nature of each of one’s personal relationships. While there are several common types of consensual nonmonogamous relationships, as detailed below, note that people can also create unique ethically non-monogamous relationships that don’t fall into any of these types.

Open relationships

Open relationships typically involve a committed relationship between two people where one or both are open to sex with other people, and both partners have agreed to this setup. Outside connections are usually purely sexual; romantic connections are often not allowed.

Monogamish

The writer Dan Savage is typically credited for popularizing the term "monogamish,” which is when a couple is mostly monogamous but may allow the occasional sexual encounter with others. As with other ENM relationships, there are usually specific rules that determine things such as the frequency of sex with other partners and the types of sexual activities allowed, which are up to the couple to decide.

Swinging

Swinging is when couples come together and swap partners for sex. Swinging can happen at clubs, among friends, at swinging parties, and so on. With swinging, the rules and expectations are decided by the couple. Often, it involves the partners in a couple having their other sexual experiences with each other in some way.

Polyamory

Polyamory generally means that someone is in relationships with multiple people at once. These connections can be sexual and/or romantic, and the goal is usually for everyone involved to stay informed through clear communication and consent. There can be different models of polyamory, from a relationship between several people together to one person having multiple other partners—and many other formats, as long as everyone has agreed on the terms.

Relationship anarchy

According to relationship anarchists, every relationship dynamic is unique. A person who follows this model may prioritize the rules and expectations set by the individuals involved, and they may want to break down societal norms around monogamy, heteronormativity, and marriage. A relationship anarchist may argue that our society values sexual relationships over friendships and reject this idea. 

Polyfidelity

This relationship structure involves multiple people within the relationship exploring sex and/or romance in a “closed” relationship with each other and not with others outside of their relationship. In this relationship style, there typically is not a “primary” relationship, as all the people in the relationship are equally committed to each other.

Polygamy

Polygamy involves being married to more than one person at the same time. Polygamy is mentioned in many religious texts, and some people practice it today; however, polygamy is not legal in the United States.

Human nature and relationship diversity

The desire for non-monogamy in some people is part of the natural diversity of human nature and social and personal relationships. Throughout history and across cultures, many people have sought multiple relationships for emotional and/or practical reasons, making relationship structures as varied as human experiences. Some individuals naturally thrive in non-exclusive relationships while others prefer primarily monogamous structures, and both are valid.

The emotional and psychological aspects of ENM

Practicing healthy ENM can have many psychological benefits. For example, over time, it can help a person develop emotional intelligence, resilience, and a strong sense of autonomy. Such relationships also tend to encourage individuals to examine jealousy, attachment, and communication habits, often leading to significant personal growth.

That said, as with any type of connection, personal relationships involving ENM can sometimes pose emotional challenges. That’s why it can be important to have a more extensive support network. Such connections may allow you to receive emotional support from multiple sources, which can make it easier to address challenges and foster personal growth.

It takes work to maintain healthy dynamics in any type of relationship, which can be closely tied to mental and psychological health overall. Some tips for cultivating positive ENM connections and practicing ENM responsibly can include:

• Communicate openly and honestly so that everyone involved is on the same page
• Engage in self-reflection often to stay in touch with any new ethical considerations, how your choices affect others, and where there may be opportunities for personal growth 
• Set reasonable boundaries that align with your values, and respect the boundaries of others
• Prioritize the emotional well-being of all parties, which can involve things like managing sexual desire without harming emotional trust and acting with thoughtfulness, patience, and care

Intimacy and sexual health in ENM relationships

Not all intimate relationships have a sexual component, and this can be true of ENM relationships too. That said, many ENM relationships do involve sex in some way. This component without the requirements of monogamy can give participants space to explore sexual behavior and sexual desire in new ways, which can be deeply rewarding. 

Ethically non-monogamous individuals may have multiple sexual partners. Current sexual health reports point to the need for all sexually active individuals—monogamous and non-mongamous alike—to practice safe sex. In an ENM context in particular, open communication and regular STI testing can be vital in helping individuals manage multiple relationships and multiple romantic connections while maintaining sexual well-being as well as physical and emotional safety. 

Relationship support through online therapy

Navigating any relationship can come with challenges. If you’re exploring the possibility of ethical non-monogamy, you may consider discussing some of your thoughts and concerns with a trained professional. A licensed therapist can help you work through your own thoughts and preferences as an individual and address relationship concerns as they arise. 

Online therapy to explore ethical non-monogamy

Exploring ethical non-monogamy can be a deeply personal topic, so finding a place where you feel comfortable to open up may help. With online therapy through BetterHelp for individuals or through Regain for couples, you can speak with a therapist from wherever you are most comfortable and have an internet connection, including the comfort of home.

Effectiveness of online therapy

A growing body of research suggests that online therapy can often be similarly effective to in-person therapy for addressing a variety of emotional and mental health concerns. For example, consider a 2021 meta-analysis which suggests that online therapy is often “no less efficacious” than traditional in-person therapy.

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