Co-Parenting With A Narcissistic Person? Exploring Signs And Navigating Challenges

Co-parenting can be challenging, especially after a contentious divorce. However, co-parenting with a narcissist may create even more stress. In addition, identifying a narcissistic parent can be difficult because narcissistic personality disorder tends to rarely be diagnosed; people with narcissistic tendencies may not choose to seek professional help. You may find it helpful to limit contact, use the legal system, shift your mindset, be a role model for your child, maintain documentation, and consider parallel parenting. Online or in-person therapy may also be helpful.

Please note that the use of the word “narcissist” in this article refers to a person living with narcissistic personality disorder.

Signs that your partner may be a narcissistic person

Signs of narcissism may show up during parenting in behaviors like using your child to “score points,” refusing to be agreeable for the sake of your children, disrupting your children’s routines or appointments, and not agreeing to custody or other parenting arrangements.

For example, a narcissist co-parent may have a difficult time allowing their child to spend time with the other parent without conflict, perhaps escalating minor inconveniences (or inventing them) and focusing on perceived slights while blaming you. They may also try to intrude on your time with your child by creating problems, calling, texting, or insisting that they join in activities. 

In cases of abuse, the court will often order the non-abusing parent sole custody. However, in other cases, it may be necessary to interact with the co-parent on a semi-regular basis. In this case, you can use various strategies to protect your child’s self-esteem and your mental health.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Strategies to protect yourself and your child

Someone with narcissistic tendencies may have an overpowering need for control and attention. Recognizing this can be a powerful first step; you can often practice interacting with them in a way that denies them the power they crave. 

Limit contact with the narcissistic co-parent

Communicating solely through text or email typically allows you to take some time before responding to a question or statement. It can also be useful for documenting conversations for potential court cases. If an ex continues to email or text after you have given a direct answer or statement, not responding is usually the right choice. 

Use the legal system

It can be ideal to create a legal parenting plan or custody agreement. Leaving a gray area can cause stress and challenging situations when interacting with a narcissist. It’s generally best to have all plans, schedules, and visitation in writing. Hiring a lawyer can be an investment, but it often pays off in peace of mind when you have a legally enforceable parenting plan in place.

You may also consider taking advantage of a guardian ad litem. These neutral court-appointed advocates may be requested in many family law cases and are typically there to make recommendations to the court based on the best interests of the child. They generally learn more about the child and the situation and can advise how much contact a child should have with each parent. 

Shift your mindset

Try thinking about your co-parenting arrangement as something like a business partnership. This can be challenging, but it may be possible with practice. Avoid allowing them to pull you into drama with your child. 

Also, as tempting as it may be, try not to use negative language when speaking about your co-parenting partner to your child. Avoiding using your child as a mediator or a go-between can be best.

Be a role model for your child

When parenting with a narcissist, it may be likely that your child’s other parent isn’t modeling healthy emotional behavior. When responding to your ex’s communication, try to keep your child’s emotional well-being foremost in your mind. Do your best to take the high road, as challenging as that can be.

When your child is feeling down, you can help them recognize their emotions. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you are there to support them when they are feeling sad, frustrated, or angry. 

Maintain Documentation

This is where limiting communication to email or text can be helpful. You should consider keeping a digital log or written list of important factors. This can include any suspected neglect or abuse, times or dates that you were refused visitation, and late or skipped pick-ups or drop-offs. Any of this information may be used in future custody court cases. 

Consider parallel parenting

If interacting with a narcissistic parent becomes too challenging, you may try parallel parenting. This approach can differ from co-parenting in that you will generally have minimal contact with your ex. Parallel parents will usually not attend activities like school events, games, medical appointments, or teacher conferences together. 

They may have neutral drop-off and pick-up spots and only reach out to each other when it’s necessary. While this may seem extreme, taking potential arguments out of the picture can be beneficial to your children.

Therapy for stress management

Even with a solid parenting plan in place, coping with a narcissistic co-parent can be stressful and detrimental to your self-esteem. It may be helpful to talk through your challenges with a licensed therapist, who may help you learn stress management techniques.

A therapist may also help you set strong boundaries, learn how to prioritize your own needs, and improve your communication skills. Your child’s self-esteem may also be affected by spending time with their other parent; you may want to consider either family therapy or individual therapy for them, as well.

Does your co-parenting partner live with NPD?

Learn to set boundaries with online therapy

Benefits of online therapy

Online therapy is often a good option for those who don’t have access to therapy in their area or find it challenging to attend face-to-face therapy. For parents with busy schedules, being able to attend therapy sessions from their own home at a time that fits into their existing routine can be highly beneficial. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

Research shows that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy for treating a variety of mental health disorders and concerns. If you’re experiencing challenges related to interacting with a co-parent who has NPD, online therapy may be a valid treatment option for you.