There may not be one answer to how to discipline your child effectively. Every parent and child can be different, and what works for one may not work for another. However, a few evidence-based general principles may guide you as you develop a discipline strategy that’s right for your family.
Rules are often an inescapable part of life. Many of us follow the rules to get along in society. From the rules of law to the unwritten rules of social etiquette, a well-disciplined person may know how to follow them and learn from their mistakes.
Child discipline is a learning tool, as it can teach children how to function effectively in society. By teaching children the importance of following rules, we may help them become successful, well-adjusted adults.
Child discipline may not be an exact science. Every parent may have their own style and approach. However, most psychologists agree that there are four primary parenting styles. Each type tends to influence the way a parent disciplines their children.
Low demands with high responsiveness often characterize permissive parenting. Permissive parents tend to be very nurturing yet provide few guidelines and rules. These parents may seem more like a friend to their children.
Uninvolved parenting is often referred to as neglectful or distant parenting. This parenting style means that the parent is entirely hands-off. They may be absent from the child’s life or only provide necessities for survival.
High demands and low responsiveness often characterize authoritarian parenting. Parents with an authoritarian style may have very high expectations of their children yet provide very little in the way of feedback. Mistakes tend to be punished harshly.
Authoritative parenting often strikes a balance between authoritarian and permissive styles. There are rules and expectations, but there is often a dialogue about the reasoning behind said rules. Authoritative parents set boundaries but give their children some independence and choices of their own as well.
While most parents employ a combination of parenting styles depending on the situation, experts consider some types healthier. For example, studies have shown that children raised by authoritative parents have higher self-esteem and quality of life.
Parents may utilize several methods of discipline to better their child’s behavior.
Punishment is the imposition of an undesirable outcome in response to a specific behavior. Examples include spanking or scolding. Punishment may teach a child that certain behaviors have consequences. However, it may also have detrimental effects on a child’s mental health.
Negative reinforcement removes an unpleasant condition after the desired behavior is displayed. For instance, you might tell your children that they cannot play video games until their room is cleaned. This method of discipline is often used to reinforce the behaviors you want to see.
Positive reinforcement is a discipline that rewards good behavior to encourage future good behavior. This process can be done with verbal praise, tangible rewards, or by providing opportunities for the child to engage in their favorite activities.
Although positive reinforcement may not come to mind when thinking of discipline, research has shown that it fosters appropriate behaviors and skills in children.
Grounding can mean removing privileges from your child if they break the rules. These privileges may be something they enjoy. For example, if your child is playing too many video games and not studying enough, taking away their gaming privileges could be a form of grounding.
At times, punishment may be natural. If your child runs without watching where they are going and then trips over something, it may be considered a natural consequence. After they experience natural consequences, it can be beneficial to discuss these with your child to reinforce the lesson.
Spanking, or any other form of corporal punishment, is often debated as a discipline. However, the science of corporal punishment is settled.
Virtually without exception, studies have shown that corporal punishment is associated with higher levels of aggression, among other adverse outcomes. Some studies indicate that it can cause childhood trauma.
As children grow, parents often work with them to figure out their values. Effective discipline techniques may be valuable in this process. Communicating your expectations and consistently following through with consequences may help your children understand what you value and don’t.
Your children may learn from examples, and seeing you setting solid boundaries and showing empathy at the same time may be a valuable lesson.
An effective discipline plan may be consistent and predictable but also fair. You may explain to your child why specific actions are wrong and why others deserve rewards.
You might also ensure that your discipline plan grows with your children and evolves as they age. The expected behaviors of a baby tend to be different for teenagers. For instance, if a teenager pulls your hair, some discipline may be appropriate, while disciplining a baby for the same thing may not be. As children age, they often begin to understand the difference between right and wrong. They also tend to develop more autonomy, meaning they can have more opportunities to make their own decisions (with guidance).
It may feel challenging to find the right discipline plan for your family. Not only does every child respond differently to various techniques, but some children also have conditions that can make it difficult to distinguish right from wrong. Consider tailoring your discipline plan to work best for your child and family.
You may struggle to discipline your child if your emotions start to take control. For example, your child might do something that makes you upset, and you get the urge to yell or cry. It can be normal to feel this way. If you find yourself in this position, consider taking a break and some deep breaths before responding to the situation.
Allow yourself some time to cool down before you respond to your child. If you react out of anger, you may regret your behavior later. When you’re ready to speak to your child, consider using a neutral and soft tone. Studies have shown that people tend to remember words better when they are spoken to in a neutral tone.
Determining the best discipline plan for your child and family can be difficult. However, you’re not alone.
Many parents doubt whether their discipline strategies are fair or effective. You may seek professional advice if you feel as if disciplining your child is too challenging. Raising a child can take a village, and parents sometimes need help. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to improve child, parent, and family outcomes.
You might consider trying online therapy if you’re busy with family life. With online treatment methods, you can meet with licensed therapists from wherever is most convenient and comfortable for you. Additionally, research indicates that online therapy is as effective as in-person therapy.
If you’re interested in trying professional online therapy, you might sign up for a platform such as BetterHelp, which offers a database of online therapists specializing in various subjects.
Discipline can play an essential role in the learning process for children. While there are a variety of parenting styles that can impact how we discipline our children, the authoritative style is generally considered by experts to be the most effective.
Consider staying fair and consistent and allow your discipline plan to evolve as your children grow. By setting clear expectations and consistently following through, you may better equip your child to thrive.
If you’re feeling alone and unsure, consider taking the first step in getting help by reaching out to a professional counselor.