Surrogate Partner Therapist (UK): Building Confidence With Surrogate Partner Therapy

Whether due to past sexual trauma, social anxiety, low self-esteem, or simply a lack of experience, the journey toward emotional and physical intimacy can be complex. Surrogate partner therapy (SPT) can provide a unique, therapeutic path for individuals looking to build skills around cultivating physical and emotional intimacy with others.

In the UK, surrogate partner therapists may work with clients to address intimacy issues and concerns. The surrogate partner therapy process typically involves the client, a surrogate partner, and a professional sex therapist or relationship coach. Here, we will examine the role of surrogate partner therapy and the impacts of sexual surrogacy on a person’s mental health. 

What is a surrogate partner therapist (UK)? 

What is a surrogate partner’s role? 

A surrogate partner is an individual with specific sex surrogacy training who works directly with the client to practice real-world relational skills. They may help with setting boundaries, building trust, communicating effectively, and becoming more comfortable with physical closeness or affection. A surrogate partner will collaborate with the therapist to develop a plan for creating a safe and supportive environment to meet the client's therapeutic needs. The sex surrogate’s role may vary depending on the client and their specific goals. 

What is the role of the therapist in surrogate partner therapy? 

A professional therapist is usually part of the therapeutic team. They usually have specific education and training in human sexuality. The therapist guides the overall process, ensuring it aligns with the client’s emotional and psychological needs. Sexual and relationship therapists have expertise in identifying and addressing challenges in people’s sex lives and may provide strategies to improve sexual functioning overall. 

Who can benefit from surrogate partner therapy (SPT)? 

Surrogate partner therapy is designed for people who feel disconnected from their bodies, are uncomfortable with closeness, or unsure how to navigate romantic or sexual relationships, but are interested in cultivating such relationships. This may include people with social anxiety or low self-esteem, who may find it difficult to initiate or maintain intimate connections. It also may include those healing from trauma—particularly sexual trauma—who are interested in using this method to rebuild trust and comfort in their bodies and relationships.

Some individuals who are neurodivergent, such as those with autism spectrum disorder, may benefit from SPT, as some on the autism spectrum may face unique challenges with communication or touch. In this case, a surrogate and therapist can help a person who is neurodivergent to communicate a specific sexual desire or need with their partner respectfully and openly, which can help improve connection. Additionally, SPT may benefit individuals living with physical challenges or chronic illness to explore unique ways of expressing intimacy. 

Common misconceptions and ethical boundaries

While SPT can be beneficial, it’s often misunderstood—largely because it addresses topics, like intimacy and touch, that many people find difficult to talk about openly. These misconceptions can create confusion or discomfort and may also contribute to barriers to care, so it can be important to clarify what SPT is and what it is not. Addressing myths and understanding ethical boundaries can help reduce the stigma around SPT. 

Addressing myths about surrogate partner therapist (UK) practices

There are many myths surrounding surrogate partner therapy and sex therapy more generally. These include: 

• “SPT is the same as sex work.” (False) This may be one of the most widespread myths. While SPT may involve physical touch or intimacy, it is conducted within a therapeutic, structured framework with clear guidelines around consent, supervision, and goals. It focuses on healing, not performance or gratification. 
• “SPT replaces the need for talk therapy.” (False) With SPT, a therapist collaborates extensively with the surrogate partner. The surrogate partner is not a substitute, but a partner in the client’s therapeutic journey.
• “Anyone can be a surrogate partner.” (False) Surrogate partners are specially trained in emotional communication, boundary-setting, consent, and psychological safety. They follow strict ethical guidelines and often work through recognized organizations such as the International Professional Surrogates Association.

Emphasizing consent, boundaries, and professionalism

Ethical considerations for implementing SPT include focusing on informed consent, setting boundaries, and professionalism. Informed consent is at the core of every session, and clients must fully understand the nature and purpose of the work before beginning. Throughout the process, boundaries are clearly defined, and the surrogate partner only engages in activities that serve the client’s therapeutic goals. Therapists oversee the process and help ensure emotional safety while providing space for reflection. No long-term romantic involvement is allowed between the client and the surrogate partner, and the relationship is always temporary and therapeutic in nature.

The step-by-step therapeutic process

Surrogate partner therapy follows a step-by-step process designed to promote healing and foster personal growth. Each step is collaborative, with the client, the surrogate partner, and the therapist working together to ensure safety and progress. Some typical steps in the process are outlined here. 

Initial consultation

The journey usually begins with a professional therapist assessing the client’s needs and goals to evaluate if SPT is the appropriate course of action and determine readiness for SPT if so. This phase may involve a few sessions of traditional talk therapy to explore past experiences, emotional challenges, and desired outcomes. During this phase, a therapist may also provide a client with other strategies and techniques to improve mental health and intimacy. 

The surrogate partner’s introduction

Once the therapist determines that SPT could be beneficial and the client is informed on and agrees to the process, they help connect the client with a trained surrogate partner. All three parties—the client, therapist, and surrogate—then meet to establish goals and create a foundation of trust and open communication. The group may also discuss the roles and expectations for each member of the team. 

Goal setting and monitoring

The surrogate partner and client meet regularly to explore topics such as emotional vulnerability, touch, communication, body image, and intimacy. Sessions are experiential and may involve exercises like eye contact, mindful touch, or sharing personal stories. The therapist and client will meet in between sessions to reflect on goals. Additionally, the therapist and surrogate partner may meet to discuss and monitor progress. 

Ending the partnership respectfully and reflectively

When the goals of therapy have been met, the triadic team plans a respectful and thoughtful ending to the surrogate partnership. This is also a time to reflect on progress and growth. The therapist may provide added strategies to help the client carry their new learning forward into future relationships. 

Finding surrogate partners in the UK

Surrogate partner therapy is still relatively uncommon in the UK, and finding a trained, ethical surrogate partner often requires thoughtful research and professional guidance. Because SPT involves sensitive and deeply personal work, it may be essential to find someone who is not only properly trained but also works in collaboration with a qualified therapist. To begin, it may be best to start with a therapist who can assess your needs and determine if surrogate partner therapy may be an appropriate option.

While there may not yet be any large, UK-based SPT training organizations, some UK therapists work with internationally trained partners through organizations such as the International Professional Surrogates Association or the European Society for Sexual Medicine. It can be important to verify any individual offering services and avoid anyone who claims to provide services without the oversight of a therapist. By working with a trusted therapist and asking questions, individuals may be able to explore this unique therapy option in a safe, supportive way.

Other strategies for building confidence and connection 

Although SPT techniques may work for some, they may not be appropriate for all individuals. Many people benefit from combining or exploring alternative approaches that can also support emotional growth and healthy relationships. One example is talk therapy, which involves working with a therapist to explore the roots of intimacy or emotional connection challenges. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be a powerful tool in improving many challenges related to sexual intimacy, including anxiety around sex. 

Additionally, there may be support groups that can help a person improve self-esteem and learn strategies for improving connection and intimacy. Connecting with others who share similar experiences may also reduce feelings of isolation and help improve communication skills. Plus, group settings could allow for safe practice in expressing yourself and receiving feedback. 

Connecting with a therapist

For individuals experiencing challenges with sexual intimacy, connecting with a mainstream therapist can often be a helpful first step to improving communication and connection. A therapist can evaluate, diagnose (if applicable), and design a treatment plan catered to a person’s unique needs. 

There are many different options for receiving talk therapy in the UK. One of the most common is to get referred to a talk therapist through the NHS for free care. Other people choose to pursue independent providers, either through an insurance plan, an employee benefits plan, or online.

Exploring online therapy

Attending in-person therapy at a brick-and-mortar office can be challenging for some clients, however—especially those living with a physical disability that impairs mobility or a busy schedule that makes commuting to appointments difficult. In such cases, online therapy can be a more convenient or comfortable alternative. Online sessions take place remotely, from anywhere you have an internet connection and a personal device.  For some clients, it can be an affordable option for seeking therapy, with subscriptions as low as £45, billed every four weeks. Subscription pricing is based on factors such as your location, referral source, preferences, therapist availability and any applicable discounts or promotions that might apply.

Finally, research suggests that online therapy can often be an effective approach, including for addressing a variety of sex-related intimacy challenges. Through a virtual environment, a therapist can implement techniques, such as cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness strategies, to help reduce anxiety and improve self-confidence and self-esteem.