How To Handle Rejection Confidently And Move On

From being passed over for a role in a school play to being turned down by a love interest, people encounter rejection at various points throughout their lives. Rejection can be painful and challenging for many of these people. Some situations may cause mild emotional distress, with others causing persistent pain and self-doubt that seem increasingly difficult to overcome. 

To strengthen your ability to deal with rejection, it may help first to understand the reason for the pain. Afterward, it may be helpful to learn a few tips for handling rejection more effectively and moving forward confidently. 

Why rejection can hurt so much

Rejection can come in many forms, ranging from relatively minor to more significant. For instance, rejection could include having a message ignored, being excluded from an event, being passed over for a promotion, or being shunned by family members. According to some researchers, rejection may be painful because it can activate the same areas of the brain that register physical pain. 

On top of the physiological component, evolutionary aspects may also impact how rejection is experienced. For instance, some researchers note that given the crucial importance of establishing relationships for early humans, human beings developed adaptations to seek acceptance and “respond adaptively to threats of social rejection.” For early human ancestors, social rejection could pose a real threat to survival. For this reason, humans have evolved into social creatures, often dependent on others for well-being. 

Researchers have also investigated why romantic rejection, in particular, can be painful, with one study suggesting that humans have such strong reactions to being rejected by a potential mate “because it has serious evolutionary consequences with the ability to affect fitness substantially.” 

How people handle rejection may also be influenced by the attachment style they develop in infancy, based on how they were raised and nurtured as a child. For example, children may develop an anxious attachment style that predisposes them to a more significant sensitivity to rejection. In contrast, those with certain avoidant attachment styles may not experience rejection sensitivity as intensely. Research indicates a connection between attachment styles and the portion of the brain that regulates how individuals experience feelings of rejection.  

Tips for handling rejection and moving forward

It can be understandable why moving forward after rejection can sometimes seem like an insurmountable task. However, there are healthy ways to put rejection in its place, learn from it, and move forward. Consider the following tips.

Avoid rumination, focusing on strengthening your self-worth

While the two are sometimes confused, there’s a difference between reflecting on a painful situation and ruminating on it. One of the key differences lies in the intention. For example, reflecting on a situation that made you believe you were rejected can be a productive process because it allows you to consider the specifics of why it caused those thoughts and learn what you can do differently to handle them better. 

Ruminating on a painful rejection may “trap” someone in a perpetual cycle of negative thoughts and emotions without the advantage of learning from it. Rumination may be harmful because dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings can cloud your judgment about your self-worth and diminish resiliency when difficult situations arise in the future. 

There are several ways to stop rumination when faced with rejection and instead use reflection to cultivate improved self-esteem. For example, mindful self-reflection can be helpful to counter rumination and boost self-worth. You can partake in this process through journaling or talking to a support system. Still, there are other highly effective therapeutic techniques, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), used by mental health professionals to help break the cycle of rumination. 

CBT and similar therapeutic modalities aim to reframe thoughts that don’t serve you. For example, you may think you were excluded from a social gathering because you’re boring. Upon further examination, you may see that it’s only a thought, and thinking it doesn’t make it true. You may also recall social situations where you had a lot to offer and recognize that, the truth is, you’re worthy of inclusion. 

To strengthen your connection to your self-worth, focus on what you like about yourself that makes you unique. Think about your beliefs, values, and strengths and how they shape the world around you for the better. It may help to write them down daily and post them somewhere obvious to remind you of who you are instead of what your thoughts may tell you when colored by the pain of rejection. Rejection doesn’t define who you are. 

Reflect on your feelings

Some people who’ve been rejected know that a wide variety of emotions can accompany rejection, including but not limited to anger, jealousy, sadness, and fear. When faced with rejection, it may help to explore how it makes you feel in detail rather than trying to stuff these feelings down or shove them aside. Accepting emotions isn’t the same as replaying negative thoughts in your mind—it’s a focused exercise in teasing apart your feelings to understand them better. Doing so may help you gain clarity on how to tend to these feelings and move forward healthily. 

For example, suppose someone throws a party and invites everyone from your friend group besides you. In that case, it may leave you with negative emotions about yourself or resentment toward the person rejecting you. You might also feel betrayed by the friends who went to the party without you. Try to take time to examine these feelings mindfully. Writing them down in a journal is one way to express them and take a more objective look. 

Practice self-care

When you’re grappling with the pain and hurt from rejection, it can be crucial to take care of yourself. There are many ways to do so, as self-care can come in many forms. For instance, exercising regularly, eating a balanced diet, and getting enough quality sleep can all be valuable steps in caring for your physical and mental health. 

In addition, you may find it helpful to try meditation, deep breathing, spending time in nature, or listening to calming music. Spending time with loved ones can also be crucial. You can experiment with different practices to find one that works well for you and offers a sense of peace and comfort. 

Use rejection as a learning tool and try again

It can be natural to think about rejection as a form of loss. However, it may be helpful to refocus your perspective on dealing with rejection and consider what you may have gained through it. In some cases, profound self-growth can come from adversity. Finding the lessons hidden in difficult situations like rejection may help you cultivate strength and progress toward future success. 

For example, if a love interest has rejected you, you may use that as an opportunity to explore what contributed to the relationship’s dissolution and use that wisdom to make positive changes in the future. You might also realize that the two of you were incompatible and would not have had a positive relationship in the long term. Some research also suggests that for some people, social rejection may even lead to a boost in creativity.

Seek help in therapy

While you may be able to cope with rejection on your own, seeking support could also be helpful. Rejection can be painful; if it seems too much to handle, a therapist can offer advice and guidance. A therapist can help you explore your emotions, identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts, and cultivate greater self-esteem. 

For some people experiencing rejection, the pain and emotional toll of rejection may make it difficult and exhausting to attend therapy in person. In these cases, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp can be a convenient alternative, as you can meet with a therapist wherever you have internet access, including in your home. 

Online therapy has also been shown to be effective for self-esteem concerns. One study found that an online intervention effectively improved participants’ self-esteem, empowerment, and quality of life.