How To Heal From Rejection Trauma And Build Healthier Relationships

Rejection can be a natural part of life, whether in romance, career, social life, or family life. While rejection can be an opportunity for learning and growth in some cases, it may also be significantly painful. When severe and long-lasting, it may impact one’s self-esteem, mental health, and relationships. If you grew up in a household or environment where you repeatedly experienced rejection, you may have developed a heightened sensitivity to rejection, called rejection sensitivity. Some have also used the term “rejection trauma” to describe this effect.

The emotional pain from rejection can run deep, but there are ways to cope with this pain and move forward. Below, you can learn more about the possible effects of repeated rejection, plus ways to begin your healing journey and build healthy, positive relationships.

Can rejection be traumatic?

Those who have experienced rejection may know how painful rejection can be. However, beyond this pain, can rejection be traumatic? Some researchers describe interpersonal rejection as “among the most potent and distressing events people experience.” 

It is thought that this sensitivity to rejection is a developmental outcome of “prolonged and severe rejection of a child by significant others.” In other words, if a child experiences consistent, severe rejection from their loved ones during childhood, they may develop a heightened sensitivity to rejection later in life. 

Researchers have suggested that when children experience various forms of maltreatment—which can include emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, or physical abuse—the “core psychological message” that maltreatment conveys to children is that of rejection. This message can lead children to develop rejection sensitivity. Some have also used the term “rejection trauma” in describing this effect.  

Related concepts

To understand the effects of repeated rejection, highlighting related concepts may be helpful. Below are a couple of these concepts. 

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) 

Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) occurs when a person experiences intense emotional pain in response to rejection. RSD is not an officially recognized symptom or diagnosis, but the term is often used when discussing recognized conditions. It may be linked to attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), as well as individual differences in brain structure. RSD and rejection sensitivity share similar features but are not the same—a key difference is the extreme level of emotional pain that people with RSD experience.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD)

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a mental health condition that can result from experiencing long-term trauma, such as prolonged child abuse. Compared to PTSD, C-PTSD is a relatively new diagnosis that involves more intricate, complex trauma symptoms.

If you’re experiencing distressing symptoms after enduring long-term trauma or repeated rejection, you can talk with your doctor or mental health professional to learn more about these and other related concepts and conditions. 

The brain science behind rejection trauma

The pain of rejection is backed up by science—Researchers have found that the pain of social rejection is not so different from that of physical injury. In a foundational study of rejection and the brain published in the Science journal, researchers found that social rejection and physical pain activated many of the same areas of the brain. 

For children, repeated experiences of rejection may impact their psychological and neurological development. A 2022 study found that when pre-adolescents perceived more acceptance from their parents, they achieved better educational outcomes as young adults. More research is needed to understand the effects of rejection on the developing brain. Still, current studies indicate that social acceptance and support are essential to the mental health of adolescents and adults.

How to build healthy relationships after rejection

If you have noticed that your past experiences with rejection—whether from a parent, caregiver, or loved one—are negatively affecting your current relationships, you may be able to manage these effects and move forward with several strategies. These tips may be helpful for those with rejection sensitivity or those hoping to build solid and healthy relationships after experiencing rejection. 

Learn more about your attachment style

Past studies suggest that differences in attachment style may influence neural responses to experiences of rejection. 

The four attachment styles are typically identified as: 

• Secure
• Anxious-Preoccupied
• Dismissive-Avoidant
• Fearful-Avoidant or “Disorganized”

Learning about attachment styles can help you better understand your needs and tendencies and enhance your relationships, especially if you’re recovering from rejection trauma. For instance, a 2022 study of rejection sensitivity and vulnerable attachment in trauma survivors found that high levels of vulnerable attachment were associated with “higher rejection sensitivity and higher PTSD symptom severity.” 

With therapy, social support, and ongoing self-education, individuals can learn how to maintain appropriate boundaries, engage in emotional intimacy, and achieve other aspects of a secure, healthy relationship. 

Build a community

Any form of community can offer a powerful sense of belonging. You may develop a community through a friend group, club, sports team, religious organization, or another group-oriented activity. Follow your natural interests and recommendations from people you know and trust.

Investing in a community allows you to form the sense of connection and acceptance you may have lacked during childhood or other periods of your life. Some people find these social connections by meeting people with shared interests or goals in person and online. 

Focus on self-love

If you have a history of unhealthy relationships and painful rejections, it may be valuable to step back and refocus on one of your most critical relationships: the one you have with yourself. 

Self-love can stem from a healthy relationship with yourself, defined by kindness, compassion, and love—just as you’d show to a friend or loved one. Cultivating self-love may take time and patience, but you may make notable progress toward a place of self-acceptance by incorporating these tips into your daily life: 

• Write in a journal about your thoughts and feelings or cultivate a gratitude practice where you detail what you are thankful for in your life and about yourself. 
• Cultivate mindfulness through daily meditation, yoga, or another calming exercise. Some research has found that mindfulness may be protective against rejection sensitivity.  
• Take time to get to know yourself. Listen to your body, try new activities, and even take yourself on “dates” to clarify your likes, dislikes, and desires.
• Be aware of your self-talk. Negative self-talk can be harmful, and positive thinking has been linked to numerous benefits, including lower rates of depression, better coping skills during hardships, and better psychological and physical well-being.

Connect with a therapist

If you’re recovering from a challenging or traumatic relationship with a parent, caregiver, or loved one, a licensed therapist can offer tools and knowledge to support your journey. You can meet with a therapist locally in person or connect with a therapist virtually through online therapy. 

Discussing traumatic relationships and the lasting pain of rejection can be personal, vulnerable, and painful, and some people may be more at ease exploring these topics in a space that is already comfortable and familiar. With online therapy platforms like BetterHelp, you can meet with your therapist wherever you have internet and are most at ease, including in the comfort of your home. 

Research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy for various concerns. In the context of trauma specifically, a 2021 study examined a condensed, Internet-delivered, prolonged exposure intervention with therapist support (CIPE) as an early intervention after trauma. After receiving this online intervention, participants reported clinically meaningful improvements in the vividness of their traumatic memories, as well as the associated distress.