How To Recognize The Signs He's Not Into You

Finding out that someone you're interested in likes you back can feel exciting. If the feeling is mutual, you may have the opportunity to pursue a relationship together. But what if you're not sure if your feelings are reciprocated? 

While direct communication is often a recommended foundation for relationships, asking someone you're just getting to know whether he likes you may seem too direct. He may feel pressured or put on the spot. In other cases, he may appreciate your openness. 

If you don't know someone well yet, you might want to start by observing the signs that may or may not signal interest.

Signs That A Guy May Not Be Interested In You

Although it can be hard to be objective when you feel a strong romantic attraction toward someone, it may make sense to pay equal attention to signs that indicate he might not want romantic involvement. 

Just because a guy may like you as a person doesn't necessarily mean he wants to date you. Look out for the following signs that may tell you this person is not interested.

He Talks About Other Romantic Interests

If someone wants you to know that they're romantically available, they might not openly discuss other people they're interested in with you. 

If the guy you like casually talks about someone else he's dating or wants to date, it could be interpreted as a sign that he sees you as a friend and confidante rather than a potential partner. 

He's Hard To Reach

A study highlighting affiliation motivation notes that "the most prominent aspect of romantic attraction is obsessive thinking about the beloved." 

If the guy you're interested in doesn't return your calls, takes days to text back, or frequently cancels plans you two had, it could mean he's not thinking of you in the way you're thinking of him. He may also be busy or avoidant, which are characteristics you may want to consider. 

While "obsessive thinking" could be a strong way to put it, someone who likes you may often demonstrate an interest in spending time with you and communicating with you. It could signify that they're not interested if they're consistently challenging to get in touch with or make plans with. 

Signs He's Interested In You 

Without asking directly, it may not be possible to know for sure how someone else feels about you. However, if you're just trying to gather a few clues before investing more time in a guy or asking him on a date, pay attention to some of these areas that could offer insight.

How He Communicates With You

A 2018 study by the University of Alberta identified a set of behaviors often associated with building trust between two people. They found that mimicking someone's movements, initiating conversation, and close physical proximity can signal trustworthiness to another person. 

While these verbal and nonverbal communications indicate that someone may trust and like you, they may not necessarily convey romantic interest. However, they may be a sign that a guy could be open to spending more time together in some capacity.

In addition, if you've formed a relationship where you text, call, or spend time with this person already, how they handle these types of communications may also give you some indication of their feelings. 

While someone interested in friendship may also behave this way, a person who wants to get to know you better may respond more quickly to your texts, return your calls, and make an effort to spend time with you.

How Much Interest He Shows In Your Life

According to psychologist Dr. Rachel Needle, falling in love is associated with "a narrowing in mental focus." While it may be too soon to think about strong feelings like love with the man you're getting to know, this observation could point to behaviors he displays when he's beginning to be interested in you.

The early stages of liking someone are often associated with getting to know them and a strong desire to learn even more. It may be a positive sign if the person you have your eye on seems interested in you, your life, your likes and dislikes, or your interests. 

They might remember little things you say or follow up on something you told them in the past. Likewise, it may be a positive indicator if they start telling details about their own lives, letting you into their world bit by bit.

How Much He Tries To Align With You

One study on romantic attraction noted that people romantically interested in someone often "become highly motivated to seek affiliation" with that person and show "goal-oriented behaviors" to do so. 

For example, a man who likes you may try to emphasize the things you have in common or may be interested in your hobbies to learn more about you. If you notice him trying to relate to you, it could signify that he wants to get to know you better. 

What To Do Next

Playing detective to pick up on signals that someone may or may not be interested in you may only lead so far. At some point, you may choose to take action if you want to find out for sure. While it can feel scary, you may tell the guy you like how you feel and ask if the interest is mutual.  

Having your affection reciprocated can be an exciting experience. However, if he says he's not interested, you can still be proud of yourself for communicating how you felt and taking a risk. You might choose to see it as a learning experience that equips you with new skills for next time.

If telling someone you like how you feel makes you nervous, you're not alone. It can be common to feel shy or awkward when you open up to someone else. However, suppose it escalates to social anxiety, where you experience debilitating fear and physical symptoms when interacting with someone socially, is different than feeling uncomfortable. In that case, you may seek a mental health professional who can guide you through anxiety and help you create meaningful relationships. 

Speaking To A Counselor 

Even if you don't experience clinical social anxiety but feel you could benefit from speaking with a therapist, there are often plenty of options for connecting with one. A therapist can help you improve your communication skills, build self-confidence, and identify healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns.

Online counseling can be a comfortable way to meet with a counselor. This therapy method often allows you to choose between a phone or video call or messaging your therapist. 

Virtual therapy has become much more common recently, as many find it convenient and available. Additionally, research shows that online counseling offers similar benefits to in-person sessions. An online therapy platform like BetterHelp can match you with a therapist specializing in your area of concern.