The Difference Between Love And “In Love”: Is There One?
Romance and romantic relationships play a big part in our society. But what is the difference between love and being “in love?” Love can come in all shapes and sizes; knowing the difference between the types of love can help you understand and appreciate it more fully.
The ancient Greeks explain the difference between love and in love
The ancient Greeks were some of the first philosophers to study and explore the various types of love. They defined love by putting it into eight categories:
- Eros or Erotic Love: Named after the Greek god of fertility; this is love with passion and sexual attraction
- Philia or Affectionate Love: The type of love that is equal, as in love between friends
- Storge: A familiar type of love; the type of love that parents and children feel for each other or love that couples in long-term relationships have
- Ludus: Playful love that flirts, teases, and has fun
- Mania or Obsessive Love: An unequal love where one person is obsessed with the other; it is characterized by an imbalance between Ludus and Eros love
- Pragma or Enduring Love: Love that stands the test of time; this love moves beyond the physical to a soulful relationship that is harmonious, trusted, and resilient
- Philautia or Self-Love: Healthy self-love and self-acceptance
- Agape or Selfless Love: Love that is unconditional and spiritual; the “highest” form of love
Being in love is physiological
It's easy enough to detect classic outward signs of people who are in love: the dreamy gaze, the sweet smile, the gentle touch, the inability to take their eyes off each other, and their constant attention to the other. But did you know that being in love causes physiological responses as well?
Being in love causes the body to release dopamine which is responsible for those feelings of euphoria and sex appeal. Adrenaline and norepinephrine levels in the body also increase when someone is in love. These changes explain why a person who is in love has a rapid heartbeat and can't keep their mind off someone that they are romantically involved with.
Romantic love begins with an attraction that seems to be a combination of mental, emotional, and physical. Attraction involves a complex combination of characteristics, chemistry, and attitudes, which tends to be quite unique. We are each drawn to certain characteristics in a potential significant other while being turned off by others. For instance, a sarcastic sense of humor may be mandatory for some while kindness or financial prudence will be more important to others.
Another factor is chemistry. We are drawn to specific persons as a function of biology, at least to some extent. There are three neurochemicals that are involved in initial attraction and what we commonly refer to as "falling in love" or being "in love". Two others guide the later stages of longer-lasting relationships -- you should know the difference between being in love vs love. The combination of the first three neurochemicals: phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine, produces the real "chemistry" of love.
Despite that connectedness and chemistry sparking between the two of you in that early stage, which precipitated your love relationship, there may come a time when the spark seems to have died down. The reality is that it is virtually impossible to sustain the initial stages of "falling in love" forever. Therefore, if we want to remain in any love relationship, we need to have reasonable, healthy, and appropriate expectations for how a long-term love relationship looks and feels. In other words, what creates an intimate relationship is not necessarily what sustains it.
Loving someone by wanting what is best for them
That doesn’t mean that keeping the spark alive is impossible. It just means that it requires awareness, understanding, and intentionality. After "surviving" the early stage of falling in love, we enter a stage of romantic love that is less dramatic, but also somewhat less volatile. The hormones that surged in the earlier phase are also closer to normal. The result of these shifts in brain chemistry is a feeling of serenity. You are more likely to be in a good mood most of the time, and you are once again able to inhibit the more "negative" behaviors associated with falling in love like checking your phone constantly for messages or being hypervigilant about your loved ones' whereabouts at all hours of the day and night. Those activities that cannot be sustained forever.
As you move into a long-term love relationship, the kind that lasts for years or even for a lifetime, there are also brain chemicals involved, which help keep you emotionally attached and interested in each other. Studies have long indicated that being in a committed relationship has a long list of health and psychological benefits for both parties.
More lasting love is also perhaps as much an intention, choice, and commitment, as it is a feeling. Some say that love is an action. There is some truth to all those points. While we rarely choose with whom we fall in love, we can make choices to keep love alive in our relationships. We can also choose to dwell more on those characteristics of the other we admire, find attractive, and respect. We can intentionally treat the other in ways that give evidence of our love, care, respect, and admiration.
Applying the love principle to seasoned love
Let's revisit the elderly couple on the beach. Early in their relationship, they were in love. After the initial exhilaration of the relationship wore off, they probably discovered the underlying qualities in each other that truly made them love one another. They worked on their relationship, and they began to care deeply about what made the other person happy. They most likely understand that being in love, while wonderful, is not meant to last forever. This understanding allowed them to value the other stages of their love as being equally important for their life together.
The fact that they are still holding hands many years later likely means that during special moments, a spark reignites, and they do experience the resurgence of being in love once again.
Therapy for couples
Contrary to popular belief, all types of couples can benefit from therapy, even those who are happy and in love. Still, there is a stigma attached to couples counseling that can be detrimental to those involved. Many times, the perception is that if a couple is in therapy, then their relationship must be in trouble. This can be a barrier for couples who want to improve their relationship through counseling. In these cases, online therapy may be a good option. Plus, this type of counseling can be conveniently done from your home.
When considering internet-based couples counseling, you may have doubts regarding its effectiveness. Rest assured, though, that research into this type of treatment indicates that it is associated with a comparable quality standard compared to in-person therapy. In fact, couples have reported that they often forget they are speaking to their therapist via videoconferencing as opposed to in a more traditional office setting.
Takeaway
What is the difference between ‘I love you’ and ‘I'm in love with you’?
It’s usually best to ask someone who says such strong emotional words exactly what these words mean to them. In general, however, ‘I love you’ can be said by romantic partners, friends, and family members to mean that they have a strong sense of deep affection for someone whose well-being they care about. ‘I’m in love with you’ generally refers only to romantic love. To put it another way, both reflect deep feelings and emotional attachment, but only the latter is usually used for people who feel a strong romantic connection.
How do you know if you're in love?
Being in love can be a unique experience for each person. However, in general, it typically looks like wanting to spend a lot of time around someone, caring deeply for their well-being, wanting to be a part of their life and growth, and feeling like you crave love, connection, and intimacy with them. Romantic love is also often connected to feelings of intense passion or passionate love, whether with or without a sexual component. Note that not everyone experiences sexual or romantic attraction, such as with asexual and aromantic individuals. If you’re having trouble sorting out how you feel about someone, meeting with a marriage and family therapist or counselor could be helpful.
Can someone love you and not be in love with you?
Yes, it’s possible to feel love for someone without the “in love” feeling usually associated with a romantic relationship. This could mean that they’re not the right romantic match for you, that you’ve fallen out of love, that you’re on the aromantic spectrum, or some other reason that you simply don’t feel that way about them or aren’t currently able to lean into such feelings.
What is the difference between ‘I love you, but I am not in love with you’?
‘I love you’ and ‘I’m in love with you’ do not have the same meaning for most people. The former can be felt and said to anyone a person feels intimacy with and cares for, while the latter usually only applies to romantic feelings for a romantic partner. If someone loves you but is not in love with you, they may feel a sense of mutual respect and affection in your relationship but without the euphoric feelings and other hallmarks of romantic love.
How do I know if I'm in love or just attached?
If you’re only in a relationship because you’re afraid of being alone, it’s possible that you're attached rather than in love with this specific partner. The same could be true if you don’t feel seen by this person, if you don’t feel you could grow with them, or if you can easily picture a future without them in it.
How do you tell if a man is falling in love with you?
Someone who is falling in love with you may want to spend a lot of time together getting to know you on a deeper level. He may experience good feelings around you and when thinking of you and will likely want to develop a more intimate connection. He may open up to you in new and vulnerable ways and strive to understand you, your past, your dreams, and your heart.
How do you know a man loves you?
Hearing it directly from him is the only way to know if a man loves you, but there are some signs that could give you indications that this may be the case. He may want to spend a lot of time around you, getting to know you on a deeper level. He will likely be supportive of you and your journey and interested in being involved in more intimate parts of your life. This person will likely make themselves vulnerable around you and actively try to develop a deeper emotional connection with you over time.
Can you love but not be in love?
Yes, it’s certainly possible to hold love and care for someone without being in romantic love with them. Love refers to a sense of care, affection, and well wishes you hold for someone you have an emotional connection with. Being in love generally refers to the same plus a unique sense of emotional intimacy, a vision of your future together, and a desire to know them deeply and support them on their personal journey.
What does it mean when he says he loves you, but is not in love with you?
There are a few differences that are important between loving someone and being in love with someone. While healthy romantic love generally shouldn’t be characterized by unhealthy emotional dependency, there’s usually some level of emotional intimacy and mutual support. When in love, a partner makes an effort, typically, to show care, provide support, deepen intimacy, and build a strong future together. Love that does not have a romantic component may involve less commitment to the other person’s growth and emotional safety and a less clear vision for how they may fit into your future.
What is the difference between falling in love and being in love?
Falling in love usually refers to the process of realizing that you want to be involved in someone’s life intimately and romantically because you’re drawn to and appreciate who they are as a real person. Being in love usually refers to once you’ve had this realization and are acting accordingly—for example, by showing this person care and support, and envisioning some kind of future together.
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