I Broke Up With My Girlfriend, But I Think I Miss Her

Wondering, "I broke up with my girlfriend, but I think I miss her?" Breaking up with a partner can be an emotionally confusing experience. You may experience a range of emotions or intense nostalgia, and learning to live well through the transition can feel overwhelming. Therapy and lifestyle changes can be two of the most common tools that some may reach for to attain a higher quality of life, each of which can be taken at your own pace. However, to make them as effective as possible, many choose to confront and work through their feelings first—which you can do on your own or with the support of a therapist.

Why do you miss your girlfriend after a breakup, even if you ended things?

Ending a relationship can bring up a range of complicated emotions. While some people may feel anger or frustration, you may feel sad and nostalgic, which can cause you to miss your ex.

Loss, routine, and emotional distance vs. clarity

When you break up with her or are missing someone you care about deeply in your life, it can be challenging. You may be afraid of what the process signifies, such as the concept of growing up and outgrowing certain relationships in your life. You may also be worried about whether you will be happy as this version of yourself, or the “lonely you”. As a result, you may experience feelings such as nostalgia, sadness, or regret. 

In addition to coping with loss, you may also be experiencing a change in routine. When a relationship ends, many aspects of your day-to-day life may change, too, especially if you and your former partner lived together and your regular routines overlapped. For example, if you and your ex had breakfast together every morning before work and relaxed with a movie every night before bed, the sudden loss of this routine can also contribute to your emotional response to the breakup.

If you miss your ex, getting some emotional distance can help you gain clarity about your feelings. As you get used to the immediate changes after the breakup, and allow the initial intense emotions to pass, you can think more clearly about what happened in the relationship and whether or not you really miss your ex.

Attachment, habit, and the truth about first love and nostalgia

The end of a relationship with your first love can be particularly difficult to navigate. First loves can be a profound blend of nostalgia, attachment, and desire. For many people, first loves may occur in formative years and stay with them for decades after the relationships end. When these relationships end, in time, you may realize that any lingering feelings may have more to do with the experience of having those feelings for the first time rather than the person.

The healing process

Healing after a breakup is not linear, and everyone progresses through it differently; however, there may be common emotional stages you experience after a relationship ends. Though they are not exactly the same, these stages are similar to the stages of grief.

Stages of healing after a breakup

Some of the stages you may experience throughout the healing process are: 

• Shock or denial. You may find it difficult to accept the breaking, asking yourself, “Is this real?” or “What just happened?” 
• Sadness, anger, or other strong emotions. Once the initial shock begins to resolve, intense negative emotions may occur.
• Reflection or bargaining. You may begin looking back at the relationship, wondering if you could have done anything differently to prevent it from ending.
• Depression. When the big negative emotions begin to resolve, and you start to realize that you can’t change what has happened, it can result in a period of depression. 
• Gradual acceptance. In time, you may begin to move forward. Even if you are still coping with some difficult emotions relating to your breakup, in this stage, you can begin to move forward, pursuing self-care and healthy activities to encourage personal growth and self-discovery.

Missing someone is not always a sign that you made the wrong decision about the relationship; it can also be a sign of personal growth. You can realize that you made the right choice and still feel sad.

Practical coping steps for the first 30 days

The first few weeks after a breakup can be the most challenging. Here are some things that may help you cope.

Immediate steps and daily actions

In the days and weeks after the breakup, there are some things you can do right away that may help lessen the pain, including: 

• Establish a regular sleep schedule
• Eat regular, nourishing meals
• Limit your time on social media and block or mute your ex and mutual friends and acquaintances if needed
• Spend time with close friends and family
• Check in with a trusted friend daily
• Devote time to a new hobby or interest

Seek support: Who can help and how to ask for it

If you are having difficulty coping after a breakup, it can help to seek support. Talking to a trusted friend or family member can help prevent isolation, offer empathy, and provide a distraction. However, in some cases, therapy may be a beneficial option.

Trusted friend vs therapist

A trusted friend can offer a listening ear and remind you of who you are outside of your relationship. They can provide warmth, affection, and reality checks, and draw on your history together to remind you of other challenges you have overcome. 

On the other hand, if you need additional support, a therapist can provide neutral, non-judgmental guidance, helping you understand patterns, work on emotional regulation, and take steps to move forward and improve your overall well-being.

Should you try again or move forward? What to do about regrets

It may be common to have regrets after a breakup, but second-guessing the end of your relationship doesn't necessarily mean you made the wrong choice. Before reaching out again, it can help to consider the following.

Do a self-check

Before you reach out or agree to giving things a second chance, ask yourself, why am I considering this? What is the real reason you can’t stop thinking about them? Are you lonely? Scared about the future? Uncomfortable being alone? Take some time to think about why the relationship really ended. It can be easy to focus on the good times, but remind yourself of why the relationship didn’t work and why you decided to end it in the first place. 

A data-informed reality check

While the data is limited, some research suggests that many relationships between people who have broken up and gotten back together (or on-off relationships) can result in greater psychological distress than the temporary distress after a breakup.

Setting boundaries and protecting your well-being

When a relationship ends, setting boundaries can help you heal and protect your well-being. Having clear limits can help you stop thinking about the relationship and start moving forward.

Maintaining your own boundaries and respecting theirs

Boundaries are likely to vary from person to person. When you set boundaries, they should generally be communicated to your former partner, if it is safe to do so, so that they know what you expect. Whether you choose to cut off contact completely or just need to take some space, the following scripts may help protect your well-being:

• I need to take some space for my mental health. I won’t be in touch for the foreseeable future, and ask that you respect this. 
• For my own well-being, I am choosing to step back entirely and will not be responding to any messages. 
• I’m only open to communication with you by email, and only if you have something practical to discuss.
• I need some space right now, and I will reconnect with you in a month if I feel it’s healthy for me to do so.

If your ex communicates these or similar boundaries to you, respecting them can be crucial. If they ask for space, it is typically best not to negotiate. Acknowledging what they are asking for and then giving them space can be an ideal way forward.

How to use this time for personal goals and self-discovery

Having space can create opportunities for personal growth, and redirecting your energy can be a productive distraction that can help you stay focused on something other than the emotional noise you may be experiencing.

Practical exercises

There are various practical things you can do to turn this time into a period of self-discovery. For example, you can focus on personal goals. You might try different journaling prompts to explore how you’re thinking and feeling, or commit to learning one new thing every day. Some people may find this an ideal time to reconnect with friends and family.

What to do if your ex moves on fast or you feel worse

While you may feel worse when you find out that your ex has moved on to someone else, it can be helpful to remind yourself that their finding someone new likely has nothing to do with you. It may be beneficial to use this as motivation to move on and focus on your own well-being.

How to handle it when they’ve moved on, and you haven’t

If your former partner has moved on before you are ready to feel happy for them, it may help to acknowledge your feelings without getting lost in them. Instead, taking care of yourself by prioritizing self-care, keeping active, and checking in with your support system can be beneficial. If necessary, you may also find it helpful to block your ex on social media.

Mental health support is available

Whatever your decision is regarding your relationship, you may benefit from some impartial advice — or help learning new tools to bring into your reignited relationship. An online counselor can be a helpful option for you to consider when you are thinking about whether to reconcile with your girlfriend or how to go about talking to her, and need additional support.

BetterHelp’s licensed and professional counselors have the experience to help you to understand what healthy relationships can look like, offering helpful support to assist you in navigating disagreements with your partner. 

Is online therapy effective for those experiencing relationship concerns?

Online therapy has been suggested to have helped many couples resolve relationship concerns or find closure in order to move forward amicably. In one study, using an eight-hour online intervention adapted from an empirically based, in-person mode of couples therapy, researchers discovered that participating couples experienced significant improvements in relationship satisfaction, relationship confidence, and quality of life through a series of self-reports.