I Don’t Understand Why Does My Girlfriend Hate Me?

Updated October 4, 2022by BetterHelp Editorial Team

All relationships change over time, and it’s not uncommon to reach a place where you get the idea that your partner just can’t stand you. You may even be asking yourself, “Why does my girlfriend hate me?” Although this happens in many relationships, that doesn’t make it any easier when it’s happening to you, especially when you still feel in love but are hurt about your girlfriend’s behavior. If you and your girlfriend are still together, then figuring out the root of her behaviors, potentially through online therapy, may be able to help you fix things and turn the situation around.

Hate is a strong word, so for starters, take a look at her behavior for a clue. Does she seem quick to snap at you? Do you notice her start arguments out of thin air? She may be upset at something or experiencing stress from a difficult situation that has nothing to do with you or your relationship. Pay attention to see if she mentions anything giving her trouble or causing her stress. In most cases, she may be taking out her frustrations on you without realizing it. If that’s the case, you’re in a good position to help her through her stress and difficulties, which will only strengthen her positive feelings for you when she gets past this hurdle.

It’s also possible you unknowingly did something that hurt her feelings or made her angry. Whatever the reason is, try to talk to her about what she’s feeling and her concerns. If the problem is something to do with you, you deserve to know so that you can either resolve it by apologizing or discuss what it means for your relationship in the future.

What Can I Do About Her Hating Me?

If You Feel Like Your Girlfriend Hates You - Learn How To Handle The Situation

Your partner can’t read your mind-you need to express what they mean and what makes you upset to you because you may have different communication styles. It’s important to chat with her and explain how you are feeling to your girlfriend so she knows her behavior is affecting you. Have an honest conversation and tell your girlfriend you aren’t happy because you feel like you’re hated. Chances are, it’s easy to get comfortable in a relationship and assume your girlfriend knows you love her, care about her, and think highly of her. The best way to get her to stop acting like she hates you is for you to show your love for her with your actions, words, and body language. Model for her how you hope to be treated- expressing this can ignite the empathy in her.

Do things to make her feel special and put her in a good mood, without the expectation to fix things or getting anything out of it for yourself. When you remind your girlfriend that you care about her, she may figure that whatever you did wrong was unintentional and it will strengthen your partnership. Or if she was stressed about something outside your relationship, showing her tenderness may help her to relieve some of the tension and be better equipped to treat you well too. If this patches things up, make sure to practice it in the future so she knows that you are learning and willing to fix things.

If your girlfriend’s behavior continues to bother you, examine how long she’s treated you this way and whether she acts like this toward other people in her personal life too. If her behavior reflects a pattern of relationship issues, she may be struggling with a personal conflict. Either way, meeting together with a couples counselor may help you find out what is bothering her and how to help.

Identifying the Behaviors That Upset You In A Relationship

We sometimes have a sense that someone hates us without being able to pinpoint why we feel that way. This is completely normal, though having that sense is usually painful. Yet, you can’t resolve these feelings or fix things until you identify the exact behaviors that are making you feel unloved.

You’ll need to pay attention to her words, body language, and behaviors. You also need to consider what you do or say before these incidents happen. How do you know she hates you or has negative feelings toward you? Is it words, tone of voice, actions, gestures or facial expressions? Once you observe your relationship for some time and get to the bottom of your opinion, you can move on to deciding what you’re going to do about it. Online therapy has been proven to alleviate symptoms of depression and other mental health concerns.

Checking Your Expectations

When we meet a woman who appeals to us, those first encounters can seem magical. Everything these women say or do seems charming and interesting. They may treat us as if we’re the most attractive and fascinating person on earth. It can feel like no other girls in the world matter to you and that no other guys matter to her. They can feel like one of your closest friends because of your connection, even if the relationship is long distance.

But this kind of euphoria doesn’t last. Instead, we get back to being ourselves. This is a good thing because at that point you have an opportunity to see each other for who you really are and really visualize how a future together would look like. Though, it can also hurt when ordinary life settles in and you discover your differences and factors – those red flags that used to not bother in the past you suddenly start to, especially if we expect each other to behave as we did when we first met. You can start to realize it was all the “honeymoon phase” and that you aren’t happy. This is typically one of the many reasons the fights begin. Remember that this is a reality for all relationships and it isn't anyone's fault. When you think she hates you, consider that it might be that she’s just treating you more authentically than she was in the past. Instead of hanging on your every word and mood, she pays more attention to other things in the environment. That’s healthy. You probably want to know who your girlfriend really is, but you also liked the attention and admiration she gave you as her boyfriend at first. Resolving that dilemma can help you feel more at peace with the relationship. Your counselor can help you come up with ways to show your love for her. When you do, your girlfriend may just follow suit and you can learn to love each other's flaws as well.

Is She Depressed?

Your girlfriend might not hate you at all. Instead, her behavior might be an sign that she’s depressed. If so, it isn’t necessarily a reflection on you, or someone else, for that matter. Depression can arise from many different causes. Perhaps abuse, neglect or trauma from your girlfriend’s childhood is beginning to surface after years of dormancy. Maybe she’s having feelings that she’s wasting her life in an unfulfilling job that isn't meeting her needs. She may have low self-esteem because no one ever taught her to love herself. Whatever the reason, depression has several distinct symptoms you can watch for:

  • Does she talk about being upset all the time or express feelings of sadness or hopelessness?
  • Is she sleeping a lot or having insomnia?
  • Does she seem unusually anxious or irritable?
  • Has she stopped spending time with her friends?
  • Has she stopped doing her favorite activities?
  • Is she unusually restless or distracted?
  • Does she seem lethargic?
  • Has she developed some bad habits such as not changing her clothes?

What to Do If She Seems to Be Depressed

First of all, don’t jump to conclusions or feel bad for her. The signs listed above can indicate a problem that might be depression, but that determination should be made by a professional as they conduct research on this topic and are trained to deal with it. After all, many of these symptoms can be caused by physical ailments. You can suggest that a counselor might be able to help. Don’t nag or get angry. Merely offer this simple suggestion in the kindest, most loving and respectful way you can. Then leave the decision to her.

If there’s a possibility she’s depressed, it’s also important to take care of your own mental health. Her depressed behaviors can put a significant strain on you. You may engage in self-blame. You might become angry, mad, or upset with her for not seeking help, wondering why the two of you lack the skills to work through it together. Your self-esteem may suffer as you ask yourself why you can’t help her.

Talking to a counselor can give you the opportunity to learn more about how to help both yourself and her. You can find out how to manage your feelings in a way that doesn’t contribute negatively to her condition. Getting help for yourself won’t resolve every problem in your relationship or change your girlfriend’s feelings or behavior, but you can avoid making both your lives harder and can give you an advantage in dealing with problems as they arise.

What If I’m Right?

If You Feel Like Your Girlfriend Hates You - Learn How To Handle The Situation

So, what if you’re right? What if your girlfriend really does hate you? It is a distinct possibility, especially if you have physically or verbally abused her. You may not even realize what you’re doing and saying are abuse. People who grew up in abusive households often see those behaviors as normal, because that was their normal for so many years. If so, your life doesn’t have to be over, but there’s a good chance your relationship with this person will be, at least until you change the way you think, talk, and behave. As a part of your therapy, you can examine your behaviors with your counselor to determine if you are indeed abusive. It takes a lot of work and commitment to overcome being an abuser, but it can be done. A licensed counselor is the right person to help you do it.

At the same time, your girlfriend may have her own issues to deal with. If this is true, you may want to examine the viability of the relationship and even consider to break up if it’s healthy thing to do. Going into couples counseling is a good first step as you begin to figure out the root the problems. You both may need to do individual work as well.

Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a good way to get the help you need in order to address problems with your relationship, and BetterHelp is a great resource. Their counselors are available to help you understand the dynamics in your relationship so you can move forward. It is possible to fix a broken relationship on your own, but it’s a lot easier with a licensed therapist on your side. Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp counselors, from people experiencing similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

“Mark is an amazing therapist. He listens so well and has such valuable insight on male and female perspectives and issues while also not passing judgment. I have only just begun, but he has already given me so many great takeaways to improve my relationships and situations. I am filled with gratitude, and I would highly recommend him to anyone!!”

“Dr. Murphy has been very helpful in identifying issues and behaviors that led me to withdraw from my relationships and now she is helping me to repair them.”

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