I Hate My Boyfriend – Should We Break Up?
By Mason Komay
Updated November 09, 2019
Reviewer April Brewer , DBH, LPC
If you regularly find yourself thinking, "I hate my boyfriend!", then you might be second-guessing whether he is the right one for you. Maybe you would like to have a long-term relationship, but you feel like things are out of control. Everything he says and does drives you crazy, and you're beginning to think you hate your boyfriend. It might be time to explore some potential relationship conflicts that are causing you to doubt your relationship with your boyfriend. You also might be in a relationship with someone that you're incompatible with.
Determining whether breaking up with your boyfriend is the best idea is dependent on your situation. Understand that saying that you hate someone is a very strong statement. Do you truly hate your boyfriend or is he merely someone who gets on your nerves sometimes? If you actually do hate him, then you never should have started dating him in the first place. Regardless, you need to examine your relationship with him to figure out what needs to be done.
It's possible that your relationship might be going through a rough patch. Was your relationship better in the past? If so, then you might be able to work on some of your problems in order to get things to a happier place. It's up to you to decide whether your significant other is worth the effort.
Understand That Tough Times Happen
It's crucial to understand that tough times happen in a relationship. It isn't always going to be smooth sailing. You might wind up struggling to find common ground with your partner on certain issues. Some relationships just aren't meant to be, and they don't wind up standing the test of time. People can also change over time. Someone that was a good fit for you in the past might not be in the future. Know that you're not alone in dealing with problems like this. Couples go through these struggles often. You can decide whether your relationship is worth working on, or maybe you'd rather move on to a new chapter of your life.
Potential Relationship Conflicts
Let us identify some common conflicts that often arise in relationships.
- Pride and Shame
- Hidden Agenda
- Power and Control
- Getting Justice and Equality
- Deflecting Blame
- Anger and Resentment
It Went from Hot to Not
You might've also noticed that you don't have sex the way you used to. It all seems to have settled into a routine, with very little variation or spontaneity. It's common for the sex life of a person to begin tapering off after a few months. Once the passion fades, a stronger, more intimate bond begins to form.
Sometimes you may feel like saying "I hate my boyfriend," but oddly, you're beginning to enjoy nights when the two of you just lie in bed and talk about your day with each other. You might even think, "I might miss him if I left him." People get into and stay in relationships for various reasons. If you're feeling conflicted it can help to identify what your "relationship ingredients" are. Then you can determine if you are willing to compromise with your partner if you determine certain ingredients are missing.
What are Your Relationship Ingredients?
Your relationship ingredients may not include the ingredients listed below and you may include a different variety of ingredients that would make your relationship as a couple "work."
Some example relationship ingredients are:
- Open Communication
- Freedom to have social friends and relationships outside of your relationship
"I Hate My Boyfriend, so I Say Hurtful Things"
Recently, have there been many changes in the way you argue? Does he always seem to find something to say that's meaner and that stings more painfully with each argument? Arguments are a natural byproduct of a relationship. No two people see completely eye-to-eye on everything and if they did, they would probably become bored with each other quickly. Ask yourself if he is an abuser who escalates negative emotions even when things are going well, or if he might be retaliating to your own sharp remarks that you say in the heat of the moment.
Do We Fight Fair?
When a conflict arises within your relationship, do you both come to a mutual resolution for the conflict, does it remain unresolved for various reasons, or does the conflict present at a later date during another disagreement because it remained unresolved from a prior conflict? There are barriers that interfere with effective conflict resolution, most often presenting when one has difficulty managing their emotions, which often cloud their judgment and ability to properly communicate with another person.
Here are a few examples to help you identify if you or your partner display unfairness when attempting to resolve conflicts that present in the relationship. These include:
- The inability to listen to the other, the pattern of over-talking the other person.
- Yelling or shouting to gain control over the conversation or person.
- Displaced frustration or anger, inability to identify if you are upset with your partner, the topic at hand, or something else that is unrelated.
- Use of degrading language and intimidation (you shouldn't feel fearful of expressing yourself).
- The inability to be accountable for your part in the conflict, always blaming the other.
- The inability to express your thoughts or feelings with words.
- Often getting off the topic at hand, bringing up "other problems" in the relationship rather than focusing on the initial conflict or topic of discussion.
- Continuing to argue with the other once you recognize that things are getting "heated" rather than take a "time-out."
- Refusing to honor the "time-out" request, attempting to resolve the conflict when your partner needs a break.
- Not trying to gain an understanding of your partner's perspective.
- Not trying or refuse to compromise to come to a resolution.
How We Communicate?
Now that we have noted quite a few common relationship conflicts experienced by couples, let's further explore why they often don't get addressed in the relationship, which eventually will intensify the conflicts and the inability to effectively communicate. When communicating with others it is very important to know what your primary style of communication is. Three common communication styles are: Passive, Assertive, and Aggressive.
Am I a Passive Communicator?
Individuals who communicate in a passive manner often:
- Prioritize the needs of others before their own needs
- Are soft-spoken or quiet
- Lack assertiveness or the ability to express one's own needs and wants
- Allows others to take advantage of them, easily manipulated
- Lacks confidence and may have low self-esteem
- Has poor eye contact with others (looks away or down, when conversing or approaching others)
Am I an Assertive Communicator?
Individuals who communicate in an assertive manner often:
- Will advocate for themselves (express needs, wants, feelings, beliefs)
- Will listen and not interrupt others while conversing
- Will stand up for their or others' beliefs and rights
- Will display a confident tone while speaking
- Will make and maintain good eye contact
- Is willing to compromise and negotiate with others
Am I an Aggressive Communicator?
Individuals who communicate in an aggressive manner often:
- Uses criticism, dominance, and humiliation to control conversations
- Speak very loudly or in an overbearing mannerism
- Become frustrated very easily
- Are disrespectful toward others
- Will not listen to others and constantly interrupts others while talking
- Unwilling to compromise or negotiate with others.
Although your communication style may change in different situations or with different people, it is healthy to know when you should display your assertiveness. Now that you might better understand various communication styles, it is time to put your assertiveness into practice into real-time situations in your daily life.
Reach Out For Professional Help
If you believe you would benefit from gaining more insight into practicing assertiveness, gaining effective communication skills, or how to implement effective conflict resolution skills in your relationship, the help is readily accessible and available with BetterHelp. These dedicated online therapists can help you to work through issues that you might be going through in life. If you need an ally that can help you feel more confident in your decisions, then you'll find online therapy to be very helpful.
It's even possible to work on relationship issues by receiving online couples counseling. These counselors can help you to communicate with your boyfriend in healthier ways. They'll be able to address any problems that might be holding your relationship back from making it to the next level. If you have doubts about breaking up with your boyfriend, then it might be best to go to counseling to see if you can work things out. Below you can read some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people who have been helped with similar issues.
"Michal was great. She felt out my difficulties and helped me to work on processes which enabled me to rebuild my relationship with my partner."
"I've worked with Jamie for a number of months and he's helped me with everything that life has thrown my way. Difficulty in work, my relationship, and other stresses that I've struggled to navigate by myself. He listens and he helps. I always feel validated and supported. He gives me tools and perspectives that have made a big difference in my overall happiness."
You should hopefully now be able to figure out how you want to approach dealing with the situation with your boyfriend. No matter what you decide, or need help with, know that you never have to face things alone. You can start walking a more positive path that will lead you to the future that you have been dreaming of. Take the first step today.