Is It Me or Is He Cheating? Signs of Cheating and Infidelity

It can be quite common to worry that your boyfriend or husband might be cheating on you or having an affair with someone else. However, it’s also common to doubt yourself when this fear crops up. You might wonder if you’re misreading the signs, or if you’re letting your own feelings of anxiety make you suspicious of a faithful, loving partner. How can you tell you have a cheating boyfriend or husband? Let’s take a look at some of the potential signs of cheating, and why you may be worried about cheating, even without signs.

Why you might feel paranoid that he’s cheating

Sometimes you may have a feeling that your partner is cheating, but this type of feeling isn’t always going to be the most accurate. If you’re constantly afraid of infidelity, what is the line between gut feeling and anxiety due to other factors?

Relationship anxiety vs intuition

It may not be unusual to feel afraid that your partner may be cheating on you under certain circumstances, but if you are constantly afraid of being betrayed, there may be underlying factors and past trust wounds at play. You may have been lied to in the past, have been cheated on in this or another relationship, or grown up in a household with cheating behavior. Self-reflection and in some cases therapy can help you learn to determine the difference between intuition and fear. 

Signs your partner may be cheating on you

While the effects of infidelity can manifest in different ways within different relationships, there are some common signs that frequently accompany cheating. Becoming emotionally distant, angry, defensive, or secretive can be hints that your partner is being unfaithful, as can intense suspicion directed toward you. Here are some possible signs that your boyfriend or husband might be cheating.

He’s become emotionally distant

One of the first signs that people may notice when a partner is cheating may be emotional distance. This warning sign can be hard to interpret since it relies on your subjective perception of your partner’s behavior. However, paying attention when he seems to be detached, distant, or inattentive may alert you to problems before an affair actually starts.

Numerous studies on infidelity in monogamous relationships have found that long periods of dissatisfaction with the relationship are often a strong predictor of cheating. If your partner no longer seems to be getting emotional fulfillment from your time together, there’s a chance they’re seeking it elsewhere. If this is the case you may notice that he’s constantly defensive if you ask him about his life, and acts like questions about his whereabouts are a big deal. He may spend long periods away from home, and not seem to care as much about things that used to matter to you both.

He’s showing abrupt changes in sexual behavior

Does your dynamic in the bedroom suddenly feel different? A partner who is having an affair may seem to have lost interest in physical intimacy with you because they’re finding it outside your monogamous relationship. If your sex life was formerly very active and he’s suddenly uninterested, it’s possible that he’s found another sexual partner. 

On the other hand, an abrupt increase in your partner’s libido could also potentially indicate he’s getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. Some studies suggest that sexual activity increases testosterone, a hormone that can act as a major driver of sexual behavior in men. When someone is having sex more frequently due to an affair, their overall desire may increase as well.

Note that levels of sexual attraction and desire can vary a lot between individuals of all genders, and a suddenly higher or lower libido does not always point to infidelity. It’s entirely possible that changes in your partner’s stress levels or his physical or mental health may be affecting his level of desire.

However, if drastic changes in his approach to physical intimacy appear very quickly and with no explanation, you might want to look for other warning signs.

He’s become more secretive and discreet

If your partner is cheating, he might suddenly become vague about his schedule and his interactions with people outside of the relationship, such as friends or coworkers. Secretiveness about text messages or or a change in phone habits may also be a hint that something out of the ordinary is going on.

In current times, cheating is often facilitated by technology such as smartphones and social media, so a partner who seems anxious about letting you see what he’s doing on his phone or computer could be sending text messages to other women, or concealing other inappropriate interactions.

Potential warning signs could include:

• Sending or receiving messages at odd times
• Giving vague answers or dodging the question when you ask whom he’s messaging
• Keeping a secondary phone, tablet, or laptop
• Taking great care to hide his screen when you’re around
• Suddenly beginning to use new communication or social media apps
• Browsing dating or hookup sites

Hiding financial transactions from you might also be an obvious sign or indicator that your partner is cheating. Have you discovered that he’s been making frequent cash withdrawals? Has he set up a new payment method that you can’t view? If so, there’s a possibility that he’s trying to keep you from finding out whom he’s spending money on.

He gets angry or defensive more easily

A cheating partner can exhibit angry, defensive behavior if they feel guilty about being unfaithful, which can sometimes cause them to overreact even to seemingly small questions. An unfaithful boyfriend might also try to lessen his guilt over cheating by placing more emphasis on problems in the relationship to convince himself it’s not his fault.

He’s exhibiting suspicious or controlling behavior

In other cases, a partner who’s cheating may act as though they suspect you of being unfaithful, which could be a projection of their own guilt. They might also be deliberately attempting to deflect suspicion by putting their partner on the defensive. 

Another possibility is that your partner wants to keep closer tabs on your schedule in order to avoid being caught. You may want to be alert for crossing relationship boundaries through the following behaviors:

• Accusing you of cheating for no apparent reason
• Demanding detailed information about your whereabouts
• Attempting to track you electronically
• Interpreting your ordinary conversations with friends as flirting or cheating
• Monitoring your online behavior closely
• Insisting that you “check in” with him anywhere you go

Extremely controlling behavior can constitute abuse or act as a warning sign for future abuse.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Physical affairs vs emotional affairs 

When many of us think of betrayal, we jump to physical affairs. However, emotional affairs can be just as devastating, and even more difficult to pin down. Emotional betrayal often begins for the same reasons as physical affairs–a lack of emotional connection with their current partner. This type of affair can be insidious, often the person engaging in it doesn’t intend to harm their partner, but becomes drawn into the new connection without thinking about the repercussions until it’s too late. 

What counts as an emotional affair

An emotional affair is when one partner begins sharing an emotional connection with someone other than their partner in a way that breaks known or pre-agreed upon boundaries. The affair partner can become a surrogate for conversations and feelings that are meant for your relationship partner. What this looks like can depend on the relationship. Some women may be fine with their partner being close friends with other women, provided they don’t cross a particular line, but some can have other standards. 

How affairs can start and escalate

For many, emotional affairs eventually become physical affairs. What begins as a bit of diversion from a marriage that isn’t fulfilling their needs, may evolve over time into a full-blown affair. It isn’t always a matter of “good” vs “bad”, but a kind of neglect from one or both parties. Infidelity can often be a meeting of vulnerability, unmet needs, opportunity, and boundary erosion over long periods of time. 

What should you do if you suspect he’s cheating?

Many people may worry at some point that their partner is cheating on them. However, a “gut instinct” may not always be a reliable indicator that something is wrong. It may be helpful to look for more objective behaviors like the ones described above instead. Your partner’s concrete actions may often be a more reliable guide than your own fears. If you do have enough evidence to believe he’s cheating, asking him about it if you feel safe doing so may be a next step to consider.

What if you’re finding it hard to let go of the fear that you’re being cheated on, even though you haven’t found any evidence? In that case, you might want to consider what’s behind this persistent worry. Is it possible you’re projecting your own guilt because you’ve been developing feelings for someone else? A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that participants who were attracted to other people were more likely to suspect their partners of wanting to cheat.

When anxiety can distort perception

Other Studies have concluded that low self-esteem can be a potential cause of jealousy. Is your worry about being cheated on related to concerns with your own self-image? In this case, you may be able to build up your self-esteem using techniques like:

• Writing down your positive qualities
• Learning to accept compliments instead of deflecting them
• Cultivating compassionate rather than critical thoughts toward yourself
• Talking with a friend or family member about your feelings
• Practicing positive affirmations

Another potential reason for persistent worries about cheating is that you’re feeling insecure about the health of your relationship. A pair of studies conducted at the University of Miami found that people who perceived threats to their relationship were more likely to feel jealous. You may benefit from considering whether other concerns between you and your boyfriend are causing you to feel anxious about possible infidelity. 

How to talk about concerns without escalating conflict

If you believe that your suspicions are true, or if you have proof that your partner is being unfaithful, take some time to reflect and to think about what you want to say. Choose a time to talk when your partner is not otherwise distracted, so that you can have their full attention. Share what you know and then give them a chance to speak. As much as possible, try not to let their behavior escalate yours. Stay calm and stick with what you know to be true, and ask for an explanation. If you are willing to give the relationship a shot, ask if they are also willing to work through this with you. In any case, have a support system of friends and family on call. 

Can a relationship recover after cheating? 

If your partner really has crossed relationship boundaries, you may feel as though you’ll never recover. However, some couples are able to rebuild their relationships after an affair, and may even come back stronger than ever given the right support and changes. 

When rebuilding trust may be possible

If your partner has shown remorse and if you and they are willing to identify and address relationship challenges together, then it may be worth rebuilding the trust in your relationship. The process may not be easy, but if your marriage has otherwise been a healthy relationship and infidelity has not been a recurring behavior, you may choose to work together or with a therapist to build the relationship back better. 

When leaving may be the healthiest choice

For some, infidelity can be a serious, recurring issue that may even be a reflection of more serious problems. If your partner has proved to be a chronic liar or cheater, if they are mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive in addition to cheating, or if they don’t seem interested in maintaining a relationship with you, it can be time to cut ties and move on with your own life. 

Getting support when you’re unsure

Finally, if you are concerned that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you, you may benefit from speaking with a licensed therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a therapist about your concerns in person, you might consider online therapy at BetterHelp. Also, if your partner is willing, you may both benefit from couples therapy, which can be conducted online at Regain. 

How therapy can help you sort fear vs reality

One five-year study found that 60–80% of couples who underwent counseling after infidelity were able to reconcile, and many of them reported greater relationship satisfaction afterward. Therapy may also be able to help with feelings of persistent but unfounded suspicion. A 2018 paper reported that the majority of people pursuing cognitive therapy for jealousy experienced “a significant improvement on all jealousy measures.”

Online counseling can be an attractive option for many couples. It can be easier to schedule virtual sessions than in-person therapist visits, which can be helpful since finding time for therapy can be even more difficult when you’re dealing with both partners’ schedules. Some couples also find that it’s easier to open up and be vulnerable from the comfort of their own homes.

Online therapy can help

If you’re interested in individual online therapy to help build a healthy relationship or marriage, BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed therapist who you can meet with at a time that works for you. They can provide a safe space where you can address and work through any relationship concerns or general life challenges that may be causing you stress.