How To Stop Being Needy In Relationships And Support Mental Health

Emotional support and intimacy are basic human needs. Prioritizing them as regular components of your romantic relationship is normal. However, constantly demanding to spend time together or seeking more attention, affection, or support than your partner can or is willing to give is sometimes labeled as emotional neediness. This neediness is sometimes the result of trust issues or low self-worth, and it can negatively impact a relationship. Learning how to stop being needy in relationships may be a helpful step in creating healthy and stable relationships. 

How to stop being needy in relationships: Recognizing neediness

Neediness, or what one would consider clingy behavior, can be quite subjective. Someone’s view of whether neediness exists in a relationship can depend on factors like their personality, upbringing, preferences, and culture. Still, there may be some universal signs of neediness in a person. 

Signs of emotional neediness in everyday life

You may be able to recognize a needy person by observing little things about their everyday behavior. Signs that someone may be emotionally needy could include: 

• Constantly calling or texting.
• Getting upset if calls or texts aren’t returned immediately.
• A disdain for time alone.
• Continually accusing others of not caring about them (especially romantic partners).
• Extreme jealousy.
• People-pleasing behavior.
• A tendency toward overthinking.

Neediness versus normal closeness

It could be important to point out that nearly everyone can be “needy” from time to time. In some cases, though, this behavior could rise to the level of extreme. Neediness may manifest in your relationship in many forms —some of which may be more insidious to its overall health. It could take the form of:

• Jealousy.
• Affirmation seeking.
• Needing a partner’s undivided attention.
• Spending every second together.
• Pessimism about the strength of the relationship.
• Compromising one’s independence. 

If what you need and what your partner can or wants to provide are truly mismatched, the relationship might not be a good fit. Or, you may need to get some of your needs met elsewhere, or work on solutions for how you might work towards being better able to meet each other’s needs. However, neediness in a relationship may also stem from underlying emotional factors, which is often the case with the more damaging expressions of it listed above. In this case, the individual exhibiting clingy behavior may need to address these root causes in order to come to a better understanding with their partner.

Possible causes of needy behaviors

There’s a difference between wanting to be close to your partner and demonstrating unhealthy neediness.Unhealthy levels of neediness can develop in a relationship for many different reasons, sometimes evolving over time. Let’s take a closer look at just a few of the possibilities why clingy behavior exists in some romantic relationships.

Low self-esteem

Having a poor or negative view of yourself can impact how you approach or experience a relationship. In fact, research points to a correlation between higher self-esteem and higher relationship satisfaction. Without enough self-esteem, someone may constantly fear being rejected by their partner, seek constant validation, or have trouble setting healthy boundaries, for example.

An insecure attachment style

Low self-esteem isn’t the only source of needy behavior. A needy person may also have one of the following attachment styles:

• Dismissive-avoidant. People with this attachment style may avoid emotional intimacy or have trouble handling or expressing their emotions in general. The theory posits that this style is a result of caregiver rejection in childhood.
• Anxious-preoccupied. People with this anxious attachment style may have an intense desire for emotional closeness and the approval of others. They may have low self-esteem and a deep fear of abandonment. The theory reasons that this style may result from unresponsive or neglectful parenting, which in turn may cause a person to develop an anxious attachment to those they care about.
• Fearful-avoidant. People with this attachment style may experience the push and pull between a desire for close relationships. According to the theory, it may be a result of childhood abuse or other traumatic past experiences.

Someone who displays neediness or is considered a “clingy person” in romantic relationships may have an anxious-preoccupied style, or perhaps even a fearful-avoidant one. Perhaps due to the type of care they received in childhood, they may feel insecurely attached to romantic partners as adults, which could manifest as constant approval-seeking, jealousy, etc in these relationships. Typically, people with an insecure attachment style want to spend time with their partner and do not perceive their needy behavior as unusual. They are unlikely to have the tools required to stop being needy in their relationships and may benefit from counseling to learn how to stop being clingy in a relationship.

Codependency

“Codependent” describes a type of unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person routinely prioritizes their partner’s life and needs over their own because they’re dependent on them to fill all of their emotional needs. It’s especially common in situations where the partner whose needs are prioritized has substance misuse problems.

Tips to stop being needy

There are a number of steps you may be able to take to build your self-confidence and independence to reduce neediness and its potential negative effects on your relationship.

Pause when you feel the urge to seek reassurance

If you feel the need to constantly ask for reassurance or continually contact your partner, it may be helpful to recognize this behavior and take a few minutes to pause and reflect. This can give you time to consider whether you’re crossing a boundary or being unreasonable. You can also practice a grounding technique to deal with your anxiety in your own mind before allowing it to negatively impact your relationship. 

One popular grounding technique involves tapping into your five senses by: 

• Naming five things you can see.
• Naming four things you can touch.
• Naming three things you can hear.
• Naming two things you can smell.
• Naming one thing you can taste.

Learn emotional regulation skills

Another way to overcome needy behavior is to learn how to effectively manage your emotions. Emotional regulation skills can help you remain in control of your behavior when you’re feeling anxious. These skills may include: 

• Deep breathing.
• Cognitive reframing.
• Positive affirmations.

You can learn these and other emotional regulation skills in therapy. 

Build and nurture strong friendships

Take new relationships slow

Build self-esteem

Replace reassurance seeking with healthier habits

Clingy behaviors can sometimes become habitual. Even when you recognize that needy behaviors are unhealthy, it can be challenging to stop. Replacing these old habits with new ones can lead to gradual self-improvement. Here are some suggestions for building healthier habits:

• Take a walk or engage in another form of exercise. 
• Try positive self-talk.
• Write in a journal about how you’re feeling. 
• Develop a self-care routine. 

Learn effective communication skills

Feeling insecure in a relationship or needing reassurance from time to time is normal. However, the way you respond to these feelings can make all the difference. Here are some phrases you can practice saying to your partner when you’re feeling needy: 

• “I feel insecure when you talk to other women/men.”
• “I feel afraid when you don’t return my texts.”
• “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together.”

Starting conversations with “I” statements and focusing on how you feel rather than accusing your partner of doing something wrong can help you problem-solve together rather than argue. 

Neediness myths that keep you stuck

In order to become more confident in relationships, you may need to let go of some long-held beliefs. These beliefs often stem from widespread myths about romantic relationships. 

It’s not me; it’s them

Often, it’s easier to blame someone else for problems in relationships rather than accepting responsibility for our own actions. You might think the problem could be solved if your partner changed their behavior to accommodate your needs. However, it’s often imperative to the relationship to take an honest look at your own behaviors before pointing the finger at someone else.  

They don’t love me unless they (fill in the blank)

Attributing certain behaviors to a “loving” relationship might be normal, but it can also become problematic when taken to the extreme. Setting strict guidelines for your partner’s behavior can easily escalate into controlling behaviors and a toxic dynamic. When you feel unloved, it can be important to express these feelings to your partner in a healthy way rather than jumping to conclusions about their feelings for you. 

Getting support through BetterHelp

A mental health professional can help you figure out the root of needy tendencies, whether it’s the result of: 

• An insecure attachment style.
• Low self-worth.
• Past trauma.
• Unrealistic relationship expectations, or simply a mismatch with your partner.
• Trust issues.

If a mental health disorder like depression or anxiety is contributing to your feelings of neediness, they can also help you address that and manage your symptoms. Regardless of your situation, there’s hope. A therapist may be able to help you sort out your emotions and develop behaviors and patterns that may lead to a healthy relationship. 

Some people find the availability of online therapy to be a good fit for their lifestyle. Research shows that virtual therapy can be as effective as in-person sessions and may even feel more personal, which can make the process more comfortable and effective for you. Online couples therapy platforms like BetterHelp can match you with a licensed mental health professional who can help you build more confidence and address the concerns or challenges you may be facing in your relationship.