My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me: Breakup Tips to Protect Mental Health

When your boyfriend breaks up with you, it might leave you feeling lost, confused, and stressed. That person may have been the center of your everyday life and a crucial part of your plans. When you go over the memories you’ve imparted, coping might feel overwhelming or scary. In these moments, looking into coping mechanisms and support options to get through your breakup can be beneficial. According to studies, over 64% of Americans have gone through a breakup at some point, so you’re not alone in your experiences or feelings. 

What usually happens right after a breakup? 

When you lose someone who is close to you, this loss can create feelings of doubt, hurt, and betrayal. Even as you allow yourself to cry, it’s helpful to understand the typical emotional trajectory after a breakup, even if it’s not exactly the same for everyone. 

Shock, denial, and the first days

When your partner tells you they want to break up, your initial reaction may be to not really process this information…especially if you didn’t see it coming. You may experience a loss of routine, confusion, numbness, or crying. All this is a normal reaction, and it can help to get rest and lean on the support of loved ones during this period. 

Early emotional waves: guilt, anger, relief, and doubt

After the initial shock, don’t expect your emotions to become immediately regulated, or even to make much sense. You may whipsaw between a wide variety of emotions, including guilt, anger, doubt, and even relief. Some days you may feel fine, while others you may miss him intensely. You can feel all this even if one or both of you stopped putting in the effort for your relationship, or even in the presence of dealbreakers. 

How long should you wait to respond or reach out? 

It can be tempting in the immediate aftermath of a breakup to justify yourself, demand reasons, or otherwise communicate with your ex. However, sometimes an immediate reaction can do more harm than good, especially when you’re feeling extremely emotional. 

The first 48-72 hours: safety and immediate self-care

The first few days after a breakup, allow yourself to process your feelings. You may need to cry, scream, rest, but allow yourself to feel. This isn’t typically going to be the ideal time for a nuanced and honest conversation. If you need to vent, talk to a trusted friend or family member. 

A few weeks to a couple months: clarity window

Expect to wait a few weeks before being ready to ask the right questions or have an in-depth conversation about what went wrong. Take some time during this period to reflect on your relationship and determine what factors could have led to the breakup. When you feel ready to approach your ex with clarity and calm, it may be the time to reach out. 

When to give it more time or decide that it’s over

Sometimes it can take up to three months or more to come to terms with the idea that a breakup was the right decision, or that your relationship is impossible to reconcile. Go in with the expectation that you will not have immediate answers or be able to solve everything. Understand too, that even if you want closure, your ex may not be willing to talk. 

Questions to ask yourself after a breakup 

After losing your boyfriend, whether it was a mutual or one-sided breakup, it may be beneficial to ask yourself a few questions about how you want to proceed, including the following. 

My boyfriend broke up with me, but who am I as an individual?

If you were in a relationship or marriage with your ex for an extended time, you might have learned more about yourself as their partner and the person you became by their side. You may have found it easy to be funny, caring, or intelligent together. However, after a breakup, many people find aspects of their personality that they may have hidden or forgotten about, that they get to explore again. 

What are my priorities after the breakup? 

With your partner out of the picture, you may have lost your values, goals, and beliefs. As many couples share goals for the future, you might feel lost in figuring out where you’d like to go next. You might ask yourself a few questions, including the following: 

• What types of people do you want in your life? 
• What events or activities would you like to attend or participate in? 
• What type of work would you like to pursue? 
• What would it look like if you could have all of your dreams come true for your future without your ex-boyfriend? 
• What is one goal that you might be able to achieve now that you’re no longer with your partner? 
• What can you learn from this situation? 

After you answer these questions, list priorities for your new life. Then, let the list guide you as you plan each day, week, and month. Try not to pressure yourself to achieve each goal quickly, as you may also benefit from time to grieve and move on after your loss. 

What would help me replace my time healthily? 

Your relationship may have taken up a considerable portion of your time and energy in the past. It might be helpful to consciously try to replace that time and energy with healthy and productive choices. Try to avoid unhealthy or risky activities and give yourself time to think. Some people simultaneously process their emotions and goals through expressive writing like journaling or poetry. Studies have found that journaling can improve emotional and physical health in the long term and may also help you release emotions about your breakup. 

My boyfriend broke up with me: Now what?

Getting over someone might feel more manageable if you are no longer in love. However, if you loved your boyfriend or felt confused by the ending of your relationship, there are a few skills you can try to move on, including the following. 

Give yourself space 

Even if you still love your ex-partner, try to avoid them. Make a rule that you won’t call, send letters, text, be friends, or sleep together while working through your emotions. Staying friendly with an ex can be admirable, and it might be possible. However, friendship may be healthier down the road when you no longer feel the impact of the breakup or the relationship. If you have difficulty with this step, be kind to yourself and move forward as best you can. 

An important part of giving yourself that space is breaking from your ex over social media. Unfollow, mute, adjust mutual friend boundaries, and archive old photos. Separate yourself from all the things that might trigger regret, doubt, anger, or sadness. 

Short daily rituals to stabilize your day

When you find yourself thinking about your ex, distract yourself. Try to throw yourself into an activity that demands your full attention to avoid thinking about your ex. Find a new hobby. Make plans with your best friends. Practice self-care. A few high-intensity activities that may also improve your mental health include the following: 

• Exercise like hiking, swimming, or going to the gym 
• Spending time in nature
• Going for a jog 
• Cooking or baking new recipes 
• Attending a class for a new skill like archery, dancing, or painting  
• Spending quality time with friends and family
• Hosting a game night at your house for all of your friends
• Writing poetry or a story 
• Creating scrapbooks of memories with other people 
• Going on a short vacation or trip 
• Partaking in therapeutic coping mechanisms
• Seeing a therapist 

Redirect your thoughts 

If you find distraction ineffective or difficult, try redirecting your mind toward thinking about your ex’s undesirable qualities. If this sounds harsh, note that it is an exercise just for you. If you struggle with going back to people because you idealize them in your head, keeping a list of painful or difficult memories you wouldn’t want to return to may be beneficial. Read the list any time you want to reach out to your ex-boyfriend. 

How to get the answers you want without making it worse

If, after your ex breaks up with you, they are willing to talk, you may want to find out more about why. If you want to hear the real reasons for the breakup and you think that they will be honest, here are some ways you may be able to get that information without too much additional drama. 

Create a script to ask for clarity

Before you have this discussion, create a short and simple list of questions you want answered. You may even write them down. Try to keep these questions free from emotion–think of it only as an information-gathering exercise. Be mentally and emotionally prepared to receive their words without an emotional reaction. 

Questions to ask yourself and a trusted friend or therapist

Sometimes it can be comforting to talk to someone else about whether you’ve made the right decision. It can be difficult in a relationship to see dealbreakers, problems, and you may second-guess or doubt your own behavior during or after the relationship. Hearing the honest opinions of someone you trust, or a professional, can help bring perspective. Some questions to ask may include:

• What are some things I genuinely miss about my relationship, rather than idealizing?
• Were there any dealbreakers that I might have missed in my relationship due to strong feelings or emotions?
• What are some unhealthy patterns that may have contributed to our breakup? 
• What would I do differently in a future relationship?

When moving on is healthiest

Often, moving on is the right decision, rather than wondering and worrying about patching things up. Your boyfriend may not apologize or be interested at all in maintaining a relationship. After certain hurtful things, reconciliation may be impossible (or too difficult) moving forward. If that’s the case, acceptance can be hard, but ultimately rewarding. 

How to cope with post-breakup depression 

Going through a breakup can be challenging, and you may feel intense emotions. These emotions might be a natural part of losing touch with someone who mattered to you. However, depression can sometimes follow a breakup for some people. In these cases, you might be experiencing a mental health concern. The following symptoms are common in depressive disorders: 

• Feeling worried, agitated, anxious, or irritable 
• Feeling indifferent to what happens in your life
• Having low energy
• Feeling guilty
• Having trouble concentrating.
• Having trouble making decisions
• Isolating yourself (Note that some isolation might make sense as you cope with your breakup)  
• Experiencing unexplained pain
• Experiencing appetite changes 
• Experiencing insomnia or sleeping often 
• Experiencing thoughts of suicide or engaging in self-injurious behavior 

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Text or call 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. Support is available 24/7. If you are experiencing trauma, support is available.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

If you begin to experience symptoms of depression, be patient with yourself and understand that you’re not alone. Many people seek a therapist after their breakup to cope with these symptoms. Note that depression can be serious, so having a professional to talk to may be the safest option.  

Rebuilding your life

Just because a breakup may ultimately be the best outcome, it can still be difficult to navigate the loss of self-esteem and strong negative emotions associated with the split. Let’s take a look at some practical steps you can take to take on the world again. 

Practical next steps: Start dating again?

How soon you feel ready to start dating again can depend on a number of factors. The most important thing to remember is not to force it until you’re emotionally ready. It may be a good idea to spend time with friends and even work with a therapist until you feel confident navigating the dating world again. 

Reconnect with old friends, rediscover hobbies, and define your own lives

Before you dive back into dating, it can be smart to focus on living your life as an individual for a bit. Spend time learning to be alone…revisit old hobbies, or explore new hobbies. Plan activities with your best friends, and volunteer for causes that are important to you. This time of healing can help you reassert your own identity, build confidence, and promote hope for the future. 

How therapy helps and when to seek it

At times, reaching out for professional support can aid in the process of coping with the reality of a breakup. If you feel you can’t move on after your breakup or are struggling with your mental health, consider contacting a therapist. 

Many people who have gone through a breakup may be reluctant to reach out for support in person whether for individual or couples therapy. In 2020, more people turned to online resources in search of a convenient way to speak with a trusted therapist without leaving the comfort of their homes. Recent studies show that electronically delivered cognitive-behavioral therapy reduced depression and anxiety symptom severity more effectively than face-to-face therapy. 

Positive outcomes from therapy

The analysis considered 17 randomized controlled study trials, evaluating the clinical effectiveness of eCBT compared to face-to-face, and considered a wide range of outcomes, including the severity of symptoms, adverse outcomes, clinically relevant outcomes, global functionality, participant satisfaction, quality of life, and affordability. They found that each area was as effective or more effective than in-person counseling. 

Through an online platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with your counselor anytime, anywhere. Set up your meetings in the method you prefer, including live phone, video, chat, or messaging. Online therapists through platforms like these are qualified and licensed, and you may be able to get a match within 48 hours of signing up.