Reducing Insecurities Within A Relationship
Insecurity in a relationship may look like jealousy, sensitivity, a need for constant reassurance, difficulty accepting oneself, or excessive analysis of situations and comments. When one or both partners experience insecurity, it's possible for these feelings to have negative impacts on the relationship. However, there are several methods of addressing insecurity and alleviating its impacts, such as identifying the root of the insecurity, cultivating self-love, and combating anxious thoughts. Open communication with your current partner and online cognitive-behavioral therapy may be other effective ways of working through feelings of insecurity and preventing them from affecting your relationship.
How insecurity can show up in your relationship
Whether it's you or your partner, someone who feels insecure may show common signs in their relationships day-to-day. Here are a few possible manifestations of insecurity in relationships:
Jealousy
Someone who feels insecure about themselves and their value may worry that they're in danger of being replaced by someone their partner likes more. This may take the form of constantly checking on their partner's whereabouts or quizzing them about the opposite sex.
A need for validation
The root cause of insecurity is often low self-esteem or a lack of self-confidence. In a relationship, this may take the form of the insecure partner constantly requesting reassurance and validation from the other.
Sensitivity
Someone who experiences feelings of insecurity may be especially sensitive to words or actions from others that trigger these insecurities. They may interpret a neutral comment from their partner as a targeted and disparaging remark, for example.
Difficulty accepting themself
Since insecurity can often stem from low self-esteem, it may make sense that it could also manifest as a person's inability to accept themself as they are. This could take the form of constantly trying to change themself or holding themself to impossibly high standards.
Overanalysis
Someone with relationship insecurity may spend a lot of time analyzing the little things their partner says or does, looking for clues that they're about to be abandoned, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Insecurity in a relationship can present in many ways, some subtler than others. Regardless, insecurity may have the potential to cause tension in relationships of any kind.
Why insecurity can be damaging to relationships
When someone consistently experiences and acts on feelings of insecurity, it can result in a negative relationship with their partner. Over time, some people may become exhausted from constantly worrying and feeling like they must defend their actions to quell their partner's jealousy. They may grow tired of providing frequent validation, especially if the partner who feels insecure struggles with low self-confidence.
Being in a relationship with someone who can be hypersensitive may also be difficult, as their partner might feel like they must walk on eggshells to avoid offending or hurting them. To avoid this type of friction in the relationship, the partner who experiences feelings of insecurity may need to address the root cause and work on open communication.
How to address feelings of insecurity
If it’s your partner who is dealing with feelings of insecurity, your own power to help them through it may be limited. The person who experiences these feelings must typically work to figure out where the insecurity comes from and address it at the root. Some potential sources of insecurity in a relationship could be:
Low self-esteem
One study on the topic defines self-esteem as “an evaluation of one’s own goodness or worth or a personal assessment of how well one is doing in areas that the individual regards as important.” Low self-esteem or self-confidence can contribute to someone feeling insecure. Low self-esteem may lead to feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy, which may make a person constantly question the validity of their partner’s actions and feelings for them.
Past relationships
If someone important to you broke your trust in the past, that wound might affect your current relationships. This type of experience could have been in a childhood relationship, such as with a parent, or with a previous romantic partner. Sometimes, a significant betrayal of trust like this can lead to challenges in feeling safe in subsequent relationships.
Fear of being alone
Someone who fears being on their own may cling to their romantic partner and constantly worry that they’ll leave them. If being alone is a person’s biggest fear, it could make sense that they’d frequently be concerned about their partner leaving them, causing unhealthy behaviors in the relationship.
There are a few additional strategies you might try to work through insecurities in a relationship. First, anything you can do to increase your own sense of self-love is typically recommended for people in this situation. Spending alone time getting to know yourself, recognizing your own value, and practicing being kind to yourself may all help. It may also be useful to identify things that trigger your feeling insecure.
What types of comments or situations lead you to feel a rush of insecure emotions? Knowing what they are can be a major first step toward not letting yourself be controlled by them anymore.
Finally, learning to combat negative self-talk may also help with feelings of insecurity. If you can learn to challenge automatic thoughts about not being good enough or unfounded fears that your partner has one foot out the door, you may find yourself feeling more safe and confident in a healthy relationship over time.
Online therapy for relationship insecurity
Feelings of insecurity often run deep, with sources that can reach back as far as childhood. Uncovering them and changing your patterns of thinking can be challenging. If you’re interested in seeking out a therapist who can help, it's important to know that there are many mental health professionals available to assist with this kind of work in fostering healthy relationships.
One convenient option to consider could be online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp, where you can get matched with a therapist who you communicate with from the comfort of your own home. Research suggests that clients may be able to build even more personal relationships with their therapist through online visits than in person, which may be helpful in building the necessary trust to allow them to assist in overcoming this challenge in a new relationship.
Takeaway
When one or both people in a romantic partnership live with insecurity, it can have harmful effects on the relationship as a whole. Insecurity can manifest in numerous ways, such as a need for validation, jealousy, sensitivity, excessive analysis of situations and comments, and difficulty accepting oneself. Insecurity may stem from past relationships, a fear of being alone, low self-esteem, social anxiety, or a combination of multiple factors. There can be many ways to work through insecurity, including cultivating self-love, combating negative self-talk, and working through the root of the insecure feelings. You may also find cognitive-behavioral therapy, whether in-person or online, to be a beneficial tool in alleviating insecurity and reducing unhealthy arguments.
How do you deal with insecurity in a relationship?
Insecurity in a relationship can be caused by several factors, but there are general approaches to insecurity that may be helpful, no matter the cause. One of the best ways to manage insecurity is to focus on building self-esteem. You may want to start by checking your self-talk. If you regularly put yourself down, disparage yourself, or discount your positive accomplishments, it’s likely that your self-talk is contributing to poor self-esteem. Take note of when you think negatively of yourself, and over time, try to consciously replace negative statements with positive ones.
You might also want to focus more on yourself than on the relationship or encourage your partner to do the same if they are experiencing insecurity. Focusing on self-improvement, personal development, and self-exploration not only boosts confidence and self-esteem, it also distracts from parts of the relationship that may drive feelings of insecurity.
How do you love someone with insecurity?
It can sometimes be challenging to love someone who feels insecure in a relationship. Insecure people often struggle to connect to others in a positive way because they may not feel worthy of love, may carry a lot of self-doubt, or might assume experiences from prior romantic relationships will be the same in their current one. At times, loving someone with insecurity can feel like an uphill battle, making it important that you set firm boundaries and protect your own well-being.
One of the best things you can do for your partner is encourage them to get help with their insecurity from others as well as yourself. They can reach out to family members and friends or contact a therapist for guidance. It’s important to be encouraging and kind, but don’t try to shoulder the entire burden yourself. You might become drained or overextend your emotional energy, which could lead to resentment or otherwise negatively impact your relationship.
Why do I feel so insecure in my relationship?
If you feel insecure in your relationship, you may want to consider whether you have an insecure attachment style. Attachment styles are based on attachment theory, a developmental concept that describes how a person bonds to others in childhood and as an adult. According to attachment theory, a person who is raised with a strong, secure bond with their parent or caregiver is likely to develop a secure attachment style as they age. Those with secure attachment styles are, as the name implies, typically secure in their romantic relationships.
In contrast, those raised with distant parents, or parents who did not meet their fundamental physical and emotional needs, are more likely to develop an insecure attachment style. Those with insecure attachment styles tend to fear abandonment by their partner or may struggle to fully engage in a relationship. Although attachment styles are formed in childhood, evidence suggests they are not innate. It’s possible for many to move from insecure attachment to an earned-secure attachment style.
How do you make an insecure partner feel more secure?
If your partner tends to feel insecure, you can likely help significantly by encouraging them to seek help from others and providing gentle praise. However, it’s important not to take full responsibility for your partner’s personal security; doing so may put a considerable burden on your own well-being. In addition, you might inadvertently make it harder for your partner to make significant changes that lead to their becoming more secure. They may need to confront issues from a previous relationship, analyze their attachment style, or build self-esteem.
It would likely help if you suggested that your partner visit a licensed clinical psychologist or other mental health professional. A clinical psychologist can help them get to the root of their insecurity, develop self-worth, and learn how to build trust. A professional can likely also help them address other concerns that may be related to insecurity, such as depression or anxiety.
How do I help my partner with low self-esteem?
A relationship where one partner has low self-esteem can sometimes be challenging, but building self-esteem is something your partner can probably do. However, it’s important that your partner’s journey is their own; it can be very easy to try to help them increase their personality security at the expense of your well-being. Try to provide gentle encouragement, especially in areas where your partner is trying to improve. You can also suggest spending time with loved ones, developing a new hobby, or starting a new exercise routine, all of which are known to indirectly increase self-esteem.
Should you share your insecurities with your partner?
You can share insecurities with your partner so long as you have reached that level of trust with them. Everyone has insecurities; it’s not whether someone has them but how they are expressed that can impact a relationship. Letting your partner know your insecurities is an act of vulnerability, but one that is important in many relationships. It’s usually helpful for your partner to know your insecurities as long as they are realistic. Insecurities that come from past adverse experiences or are so overwhelming that you can’t control them may make a relationship harder to navigate. If you’re concerned your insecurities will be a burden on your partner, you can always talk to your support network or mental health professional to decide how to proceed.
Can someone be too insecure for a relationship?
While occasional insecurities are experienced by nearly everybody, constant or overwhelming insecurity can significantly impact a romantic relationship. A very insecure person may be afraid to connect completely, and they might struggle to deal with doubt regarding the relationship. That can introduce a lot of negativity into a relationship, significantly reducing the number of positive bonding experiences a couple can have. If someone’s insecurities impact their relationship, they should strongly consider working with a mental health professional to address them.
Is it OK to be insecure in a relationship sometimes?
Occasional insecurity and fear are typical in most relationships. When insecurity becomes overwhelming to the point that trust cannot develop and positive experiences are limited, it can cause significant harm to the relationship. However, occasional insecurity is generally not harmful to relationships if addressed with kindness, empathy, and reassurance. So long as one person isn’t constantly needing to reassure the other, it is likely that the insecurity will have little impact on the relationship.
How do you deal with trust issues and insecurities?
If you’ve recognized signs of insecurity, you can likely take steps to feel more secure. Whether you’re interacting with loved ones, coworkers, or strangers, personal security is an important part of life. A few evidence-based ways to help you stop feeling insecure are listed below:
- Enhance your self-compassion. Kindness and understanding towards oneself is an important part of personal security. Do your best to introduce gentleness in how you evaluate your thoughts and actions and try to compliment yourself when possible.
- Learn how to set boundaries. Boundary setting is an important part of reducing insecurity and building trust. Setting good boundaries keeps you from feeling used or taken advantage of and gives a clear indication of who is willing to respect your boundaries.
- Develop self-care routines. Not many people associate basic self-care with insecurity, but evidence suggests that self-care and personal security are fundamentally linked. For example, adopting a regular exercise routine increases the amount of endorphins in the brain, which are chemicals known to boost your mood and increase positivity. That positivity extends to your self-concept, likely making it easier to feel secure.
- Seek help when ready. Managing trust issues and insecurities can sometimes be challenging. Consider reaching out to a therapist or other mental health professional if you’ve encountered significant barriers while working on your personal security. It is likely that can help make the process quicker and easier.
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