Recognizing The Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship

Romantic relationships can be enjoyable and fulfilling experiences. However, for some, a relationship may cause low self-esteem, poor mental health, and other challenges due to a partner’s behavior. While healthy relationships can cause someone to feel peaceful, supported, and empowered, unhealthy relationships can cause them to see themselves as small, fearful, and unstable. 

Although toxic behaviors don’t necessarily mean the partnership is beyond saving, it can be crucial to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship and ensure it doesn’t escalate into abuse. To start, partners might take steps to improve communication and build a healthy partnership or potentially end the relationship altogether. You can also look at common signs of toxic behaviors, how to determine whether your partnership is healthy, and possible options going forward.

Common signs of an unhealthy relationship

Relationships can look different for everyone, but common signs that your partnership might be unhealthy can include the following:

In a toxic partnership, one partner might believe they need to control the other partner’s life. Controlling behaviors can include tracking where you go, who you see or communicate with, what you wear, or how you choose to spend your money. Control can also involve behaviors like checking up on you, asking you not to partake in independent activities that bring you joy, or isolating you from your loved ones.

While jealousy isn’t necessarily a toxic behavior, problematic patterns involving excessive jealousy, possessiveness, or frequent accusations of infidelity without cause can be harmful. Someone who doesn’t trust their partner might go through their partner’s phone, monitor where they go, or control who they talk to, potentially becoming angry or accusatory.

If you struggle to tell your partner about certain topics, it may be a sign of a bad partnership. Conversely, if you believe your partner is lying to or purposefully hiding information from you, or if they get defensive when you ask sincere questions, it may foster an environment of distrust. This distrust could also be the result of an anxious attachment style, which is often established in childhood, and it could affect your and your romantic partner’s ability to spend time together in a positive and fulfilling manner.

Constant feelings of fear or anxiety around your partner can be signs of a toxic partnership. You might work excessively to hide things or avoid upsetting your partner, causing you to walk on eggshells around them or put their happiness before your own. You could also be afraid of them lashing out at you if they experience stress from a bad day and feel threatened.

If your partner frequently disrespects you, it can be a sign that the partnership isn't healthy. Disrespectful behavior could include your partner being overly critical of you, making fun of you, or being dismissive of your needs, personal goals, thoughts, or opinions. They might make you feel wrong all of the time, which can undermine the responsibility and understanding needed for a partnership to work. If your partner also makes you feel unstable or rejected, they may be exhibiting disrespectful behavior.

It can be normal to disagree in a healthy relationship, but frequent picking, bickering, or fighting without resolution can be bad for you. Additionally, having the sense that you are unable to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner, or that they won’t be receptive to your emotions, can be toxic as well.

Believing you’re unable to be your authentic self around your partner can signal a partnership that's not healthy. Questioning your decisions, opinions, feelings, or aspects of your personality for fear of upsetting your partner or your partner disrespecting you can cause harm to your self-esteem, potentially leading to feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment.

If your partner cheats on you or is unfaithful to your partnership in any way, it can signify a bad relationship. In a monogamous partnership, infidelity can include having an emotional or sexual encounter with another person outside the partnership.

What does an abusive partnership look like?

Although abusive relationships can include the unhealthy behaviors listed above, a relationship can be unhealthy without being abusive. However, bad behaviors can escalate at any time. Often, unhealthy relationships are a precursor to abusive behaviors, and abuse can also escalate, taking various forms. Below are the types of abuse and how they might present: 

• Physical abuse: Hitting or pushing a partner, among other physically violent actions 
• Threats or intimidation: Threatening physical violence against a partner or themselves
• Verbal abuse: Yelling, name-calling, belittling, or purposefully hurtful accusations
• Emotional abuse: Over-criticizing, blaming, or acting with the intent to hurt a partner’s feelings, control them, or cause a power imbalance 
• Financial abuse: Controlling how much money a partner has or controlling other aspects of one’s financial life, such as their career or credit
• Sexual abuse: Kissing, sexual assault, sexual violence, or any sexual behaviors without the other person’s consent

Reproductive abuse: Pressuring a partner into a pregnancy or lying about birth control

If you are experiencing sexual abuse or have experienced assault, note that the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a hotline dedicated to supporting individuals experiencing sexual assault, harassment, or intimate partner violence. You can reach out to them anytime by calling 800-656-HOPE (4673) or using the online chat.

Are you in a healthy relationship?

If you’ve noticed the above behaviors in your partner, even if infrequent, there may be toxic components to your partnership. You or your partner might exhibit these behaviors when experiencing stress. However, even when emotionally overwhelmed or having difficulty controlling your emotions, it can be crucial to take steps to improve your partnership so you are both loved, supported, and stable in all circumstances.

When determining whether your partnership is healthy, you might ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I happy in this relationship?
• Do I like who I am when I’m with my partner?
• Would I be comfortable telling friends and family how this person treats me?
• What advice would I give to a friend in a relationship like my own? 
• Would I be satisfied feeling this way for the rest of my life?

How to cope and move forward

Being in an unhealthy partnership can undermine your well-being and lead to destructive patterns, especially if you’re unsure of how to make the partnership work. However, staying with a partner who makes you feel fearful, unstable, unhappy, or unsafe can be harmful to your physical and mental health. It can be important to take steps to make positive changes in your partnership or make the decision to leave.

Positive change can happen in a relationship when both parties are willing to put in more effort and actively engage in talking about their issues. If you decide your relationship is fixable, and if you both want to fix it, you and your partner may actively listen to one another, make changes to your behaviors, and maintain open communication going forward. You may also consider the following ways to cope or move forward. 

Have a conversation

Having a conversation with your partner may be the first step in attempting to solve the challenges you’re experiencing together. Discuss how you’re currently feeling about the partnership, potential stressors that can cause destructive behaviors, and how you’re each going to improve starting now.

Be honest and actively listen

Positive communication is one of the strongest predictors of a successful relationship, according to research. Remaining honest about your emotional needs, providing kind feedback, and being receptive to feedback from your partner can set your partnership on a positive path moving forward. When conversing, actively listen to your partner to understand their point of view instead of immediately responding to them and trying to defend yourself. After you address their concerns, ask them to actively listen to you as you express yours. 

Rebuild your emotional intimacy

When you have emotional intimacy with your partner, you can trust them, feel safe with them, and be comfortable being vulnerable with them. Rebuilding intimacy can be crucial for a healthy relationship, as it allows both partners to express strong feelings without fear of causing the other to lose confidence, which can be a big deal in nurturing trust and connection.

Clearly define what behaviors you’re both comfortable with and what you will no longer accept in your relationship, then stand by and enforce those boundaries when necessary. This can be a critical step in taking responsibility for your own actions and ensuring that your partner respects their own life and the joint life you two are building together.

Working with an unbiased neutral party specializing in couples counseling can be helpful in navigating difficult conversations and finding realistic ways to make positive changes. A couples counselor can be a neutral neutral party and offer professional advice to address poor communication, persistent patterns of disrespect, and a lack of healthy boundaries. 

End the partnership

If your partner is unwilling to work toward a healthy partnership, or if you feel you've become a different person who no longer aligns with this relationship, it may be healthiest to end the relationship. It can be helpful to stay firm in your decision, end communication with them, and allow yourself time to grieve the relationship once it’s over, practicing self-care and leaning on friends or family members for support as needed.

Support options 

Whether you and your partner want to work toward a healthy partnership or make the decision to end the relationship, therapy may be a helpful tool in navigating your feelings, improving your behaviors, and healing from the unhealthy relationship you’ve experienced. It may be helpful for both parties to be involved in choosing the path forward, whether it involves staying together or parting ways.

However, being in a bad relationship could make it difficult or dangerous to regularly attend in-person sessions, especially if your partner is untrusting or controlling. If you opt for couples counseling, it could be challenging to find a time and place you can both commit to attending long-term. In those situations, online therapy through BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples can be a beneficial alternative.

Online therapy

Through an online platform, clients can choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions with the therapist. In addition, online platforms for couples allow couples to attend sessions from two separate locations, which may be helpful in separation or when dealing with a relationship that's not healthy. Clients can also have unique resources like group sessions, journaling prompts, and worksheets assigned by the therapist. 

Research has proven online therapy as effective as in-person sessions for relationship concerns. A 2022 study found that online couples counseling positively affected relationship outcomes, with therapeutic alliances and patient satisfaction equal to those in face-to-face sessions. Similarly, a 2021 study suggests that internet-delivered cognitive-behavioral therapy can significantly improve symptoms of depression and PTSD after one has left an abusive relationship, with results comparable to those in face-to-face sessions.