Hurting Someone You Love: How To Navigate Pain When Love Hurts

Many wonder why we hurt people we love. Many factors can play into hurting someone you love, and what may be most important in the aftermath is taking responsibility for your actions. An apology and amends may lead to eventual forgiveness and relationship repair. In this article, learn why people may hurt those they love and how to move forward. Discover the value of therapy in learning to take accountability and foster healthier relationships.

Attachment styles as a foundation

Psychologist John Bowlby first proposed attachment theory in the 1940s as an evolutionary explanation of how humans develop emotional attachments to ensure the survival of the species. Below are the primary attachment styles and how they might manifest in your relationships. 

Secure

Those with a secure attachment style may have received reliable, responsive care from their parents or guardians as a child, with emotional warmth and age-appropriate responsibilities and expectations. People with secure attachment styles often have a favorable view of their capability, worthiness, and dependability. They often extend this view to others, finding it easy to accept care and offer it in return. 

Dismissive (avoidant)

With a dismissive or avoidant attachment style, may have been raised by caregivers who failed to express emotions openly or emphasized the need for independence and self-reliance. People with an avoidant attachment style often rely only on themselves and may have trouble trusting others. They often view themselves positively while seeing others in a negative light. 

These individuals may see themselves as capable and worthy of love but have challenges trusting or depending on a partner to love and support them in return. This pattern could lead individuals to ignore others, break up with people quickly, or take long breaks from socialization.  

Fearful-avoidant (disorganized)

Individuals with a fearful-avoidant or disorganized attachment style may have been raised in an environment where their emotional and physical needs weren't met. Children who experience indifference, fear, harsh criticism, abuse, or neglect often have trouble relating to others as adults. They may have a negative view of themselves and others, so they often have difficulty providing and accepting love and support in a relationship due to negative self-esteem, previous experiences, or trust issues. They may go back and forth between wanting connection and running from it. 

Preoccupied (anxious)

People who were raised with inconsistent care as children often develop a preoccupied attachment style. Caregivers or parents may have alternated between distant disapproval and loving warmth during childhood, leaving them uncertain whether their needs would be met. As an adult, you might struggle with abandonment issues or a negative self-view while seeing others as competent and trustworthy. They may go out of their way to seek approval and demonstrate intense adverse reactions over behaviors that could signal abandonment.  

Why do I hurt the people I love? Common causes and patterns

When you form emotional attachments to others, everyone involved may be more vulnerable to emotional harm. Harm can be intentional or unintentional and may not always be severe. However, regardless of the reason you've hurt someone’s feelings, there may be steps you can take to repair your relationship. Most people hurt someone they love at some point, although it doesn’t always happen in the same way. Below are a few potential causes of hurting someone you love, from attachment style to conflict avoidance patterns and more.

You fear emotional intimacy

Many people fear emotional intimacy, whether consciously or subconsciously. A fear of intimacy can present challenges because a strong emotional connection between partners is usually essential for an open, loving relationship. 

People with emotional intimacy issues often have trouble communicating with their partners, expressing their feelings and needs, and reliably supporting others. This difficulty can extend to other relationships, leading them to hold back their feelings from those close to them. The people in their lives may think they are indifferent or disinterested. 

The following are a few tips for building healthy emotional intimacy with others: 

• Make yourself emotionally available to your partner and loved ones. 
• Say daily affirmations and praises with your partner. 
• Aim to achieve sexual satisfaction in your relationship.
• Listen actively to others without judgment. 
• Express gratitude for the people in your life. 
• Reach out for professional help and guidance. 

You are impulsive and don't consider the consequences

Many people are impulsive and don't take the time to consider the consequences of their words and actions. While this can be a symptom of certain mental health conditions, it could also indicate that you feel safe and loved in your relationships. However, not considering the consequences of your words and actions may cause your loved ones emotional harm. If you notice a pattern of impulsive behavior and want to make a meaningful change, try to take a few deep breaths before responding during a conversation.  

You have low self-esteem 

People with low self-esteem may place low value on their emotional needs and reactions, so they could be unaware of how their words and actions might hurt others. Part of well-rounded, adaptable well-being can be ensuring your needs are met and learning how to recognize and support the emotions of your loved ones. 

You have an agenda

It’s possible for people to intentionally hurt others for personal gain. When you manipulate someone else to achieve a specific result, you may treat them negatively so they will respond in the way you desire them to. Putting a partner down or mistreating them can create an unhealthy and potentially abusive power imbalance in the relationship. If you're acting this way toward someone else, consider contacting a mental health professional for guidance. Behaviors can often be changed with time and effort.

You enjoy inflicting pain on others

In some cases, people might hurt others or cause their partner pain because they enjoy doing so. Harming someone you love for your own pleasure may indicate a profound psychological concern. In this situation, try to take a step back from the relationship and seek professional support from a licensed therapist to understand why you experience the desire to inflict harm.

You feel safe and expect them to listen

When you feel safe and loved in a relationship, you may lash out at your partner, believing that they'll listen to you and won't leave you, even if your words hurt them. However, hurting your partner because you don't think they'll leave you may be unhealthy. Instead, you might benefit from considering how the person you're talking to might feel if you don't consider your words. 

You seek attention, love, or affection

Some people hurt their loved ones or intentionally cause stress and conflict because they crave love, attention, or affection and believe the other person will respond emotionally in a way that shows their love. Instead of attempting to incite specific reactions in others, consider taking responsibility and clearly communicating how you feel and what you need to feel safe in the relationship. 

Additional reasons you might hurt loved ones

Below are a few additional reasons why you might harm loved ones emotionally: 

• You are jealous of your partner's achievements.
• You believe you are taken for granted in the relationship.
• You are projecting guilt, self-loathing, or shame.
• You have trouble seeing the other person’s perspective.
• You indulge in self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior
• You are testing relationship boundaries.

The impact of being hurt by someone you love

When someone you love hurts you, it can have a deep emotional impact. You may feel betrayed or lose trust in the individual. It’s even possible to develop low self-esteem, an anxiety disorder, or depression over time. 

Often, the experience of being hurt by a loved one is confusing. Trying to understand how someone who cares about you can also cause you pain can be challenging. Try to remind yourself that you deserve healthy love, a genuine apology, and changed behavior. Keep in mind that everyone can make mistakes occasionally, and if this is a one-time occurrence rather than a long-standing pattern of pain, there’s likely still hope for the relationship.

A step-by-step guide to repair the relationship after hurting someone you love: Seeking forgiveness in a healthy way

Below, discover the basic steps to follow if you’d like to repair a relationship after hurting a loved one. This step-by-step guide may not work for all situations, but it can remind you of the general steps toward seeking forgiveness.

• Step 1: Take accountability for what you did.
• Step 2: Offer a specific and genuine apology.
• Step 3: Practice active listening if your loved one takes the time to explain how they feel about what you did. Show that you truly hear them.
• Step 4: Make amends in a way that matches the situation at hand. Commit to changing any patterns that may have led to this hurtful behavior.
• Step 5: Give your loved one time to cope with their emotions as you show them that you deserve their trust with consistent behavioral changes.

When relationship repair isn’t safe or possible

There are situations in which relationship repair may not be safe, such as in cases of abuse or long-term harmful patterns. Distance from the relationship and professional support may be more helpful in these cases than attempting to find a resolution that may not be possible. You deserve healthy love and hope for the future. Over the course of a few therapy sessions, you may find that you have a better understanding of unhealthy relationship dynamics and any part you may have played in them.

Practicing self-forgiveness without minimizing the harm you caused

Rather than simply letting yourself off the hook for your actions, self-forgiveness can come into play once you’ve recognized that you’ve done a bad thing but have taken steps to resolve the situation. Self-forgiveness can involve letting go of guilt after choosing to apologize, make amends, change your behavior, and prevent the harmful situation from happening again. Even a good person can make mistakes, and it can be important to give yourself grace.

How therapy can help you stop hurting the people you love

If you notice a pattern of frequently lashing out and hurting the people you love, consider working with a licensed therapist in person or online. Virtual therapy platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and Regain for couples can make it convenient to seek support.

When you work with an online therapist, you can gain relationship skills from home while taking control of your mental health. In addition, your therapist may be able to send you messages throughout the week and provide you with worksheets unique to your situation. If you're in an intimate relationship and use a couples therapy platform, you can also attend therapy with your partner, potentially improving your relationship health over the course of several sessions.  

Research suggests that online therapy produces the same outcomes as in-person therapy, meaning that both options can be effective. Many clients have found that the added physical distance of virtual treatment makes it easier to divulge personal details, and the availability of online therapy can make it easier for people to receive the professional support they deserve. Additional features, like journal prompts, a virtual habit tracker, support groups, and educational classes, can help individuals learn important coping skills to enhance mental health and relationships.