The Importance Of Discussing Values In A Relationship

A couple’s core values can be thought of as the guiding principles that build a strong foundation for communication, conflict resolution, and decision-making. Values matter in relationships and discussing values can contribute to a healthy and lasting relationship.

At the start of a new relationship, it can be easy to become swept away in feelings of excitement, attraction, and fondness for your new partner. However, the initial feelings that often accompany dating or falling in love might not last forever and likely aren't a substantial enough foundation to sustain the well-being of a long-term relationship.

To last long-term, romantic partners must have more in common beyond initial attraction, which will likely fade over time. 

Similar values help relationships last

In a study of couples that have been married for 40 or more years, many named similar values as one of the keys to their success. Some of their other responses may be thought of as examples of those similar values, such as commitment, altruism, good and honest communication, compromise, and love. 

For example, there are obvious ways in which commitment and good communication can benefit a relationship, but these values must be present in both partners. If only one partner cherishes commitment and good communication but the other does not, the relationship might not have as good of a chance at lasting, because the person who doesn't share these attributes will be less likely to communicate openly or stick with the relationship during hard times.

Why discuss varying beliefs in a partnership

Spending quality time to discuss similar and different beliefs can help a couple determine if they have compatible core values, which can help clarify whether or not a happy, long-term relationship is feasible. 

In certain realms, a lack of similar  core beliefs are less important. If both partners have mutual respect for each other's differing beliefs, they can still build a strong connection. For example, each partner may have a different idea of what types of fun activities they enjoy doing. One person may highly value fitness and spend a lot of their free time in the gym, while their partner may highly value nature and spend a lot of their free time bird watching. As long as each partner recognizes each other’s core values, doesn't judge them negatively, and feels confident spending time apart, a successful relationship could still be possible.

When discussing core beliefs, it’s important to remain open to what your partner believes and listen without judgement. Open-mindedness allows us to learn about different perspectives and different opinions regarding different situations in life. It can also help us maintain respect for others. 

Personal and cultural values impact relationship satisfaction

A person's unique set of values will impact how they evaluate the romantic relationship they're in and, as a result, how happy they are in any given relationship. For example, attitudes toward saving money and making financial decisions can have a big impact on a relationship. Relationship experts have pointed out that a person's financial history may impact how much they value dividing expenses in a relationship. A person who is wealthy might not value dividing living expenses with a romantic partner because it might not alter their financial situation or feel like it provides benefit. But for someone who is struggling or has struggled financially, dividing living expenses in a relationship could be immensely valuable and bring feelings of safety and stability. 

Similarly, a person who values helping others and receiving help may be happier in a relationship in which they are given the opportunity to give and receive help. A person who is more independent and doesn't highly value helping others or receiving help might not feel that having a helpful partner is particularly beneficial to them, because it doesn't fulfill one of their values.

Culture can also impact what brings a person happiness in a relationship. In some cultures, whether or not family members like and approve of a person's partner holds immense importance. A person living within a culture like this might feel much happier when in a relationship with someone their family likes and welcomes without reservation. Conversely, someone who comes from a culture that prioritizes independence more than family approval might not feel like it matters much whether or not their family likes their partner.

Specific values linked to better relationship quality

An overview of multiple studies found that certain personal values are linked to better relationships, regardless of if these values are similar or not. Specifically, values related to higher quality romantic relationships, called "self-transcendence values.” Self-transcendence values involve doing things to benefit others. For example, being tolerant, caring, and dependable are all self-transcendence values.

People who have self-transcendence values are more likely to focus on their partner's needs in a relationship, which could be part of why they have better relationship satisfaction. They may also be more forgiving of their partners and more likely to make sacrifices for the relationship, whereas people who value having power tend to be less willing to support or sacrifice things for a romantic partner.

How to identify your core values

Before you can talk to a romantic partner about your personal values in order to determine if you have similar core principles and beliefs, you must first identify what your own principles are. Both personal principles and relationship principles are important to identify, as they can impact how you act in a relationship and how you want to be treated. Try these tips for identifying your core values:

Read articles about values

There are many peer-reviewed articles about personal values, as well as less formal online articles and blog posts. Learning more about value research and what principles other people hold and why may help you identify your own.

Take a values survey

There are a multitude of free surveys online related to values. Some have scientific merit, while others were created for fun. One questionnaire used worldwide for years, called the World Values Survey questionnaire, is available online for download as a PDF.

Use a values card deck

A few decks of values cards exist, which allow you a hands-on way to sift through commonly held values and determine which feel most important to you. For example, The Live Your Values Deck contains 73 cards that list core values and descriptions, along with instructions for identifying and ranking your top ten values.

When to consider counseling

If you are trying to identify your personal or relationship core principles, or trying to figure out if you have the same core values as your romantic partner, counseling might help. Counseling offers a safe space in which you can talk openly about your thoughts and feelings without judgment as you figure out what values you want to guide your life and relationship. You can also speak with a counselor about any concerns or worries you might have about the future of your romantic relationship.

Remote counseling has become immensely popular in recent years, largely due to the convenience it provides. If you receive counseling remotely, you can reach your counselor via video or in-app messaging from wherever you would like, using a digital device with an internet connection. Remote counseling also tends to offer more flexible scheduling options, which can be useful if you have unusual work hours or a changing schedule.

Research shows that remote counseling provides many benefits. Remote counseling has been found to be just as effective as face-to-face therapy when it comes to treating depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders, and anger management. If remote counseling interests you, BetterHelp offers an easy-to-use platform and can swiftly connect you with a therapist that specializes in the topics you want to discuss. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.