On-Again-Off-Again Relationship Instability & Mental Health

Perhaps one of the most turbulent types of romantic relationships are on-again, off-again relationships. These on-again, off-again relationships, defined by a cycle of breaking up and getting back together again and again, can have negative effects on couples’ emotional and mental health.

Let’s take a closer look at some of theseon-again, off-again relationship effects, as well as why on-and-off again relationships may happen, and what you can do if you find yourself in an on-again, off-again relationship. 

What is an on-again, off-again relationship?

An on-again, off-again relationship (sometimes also called an “on-off” relationship or an “on-and-off” relationship) is a relationship where couples repeatedly break up and get back together again and again, creating an unstable and often unhealthy relationship pattern. 

Definitions: Relationship cycling, cyclical couples, and relationship status

Relationship cycling is when two or more people repeatedly break up and then get back together again. People who engage in this behavior are also known as cyclical couples or partners. In these cycles, your relationship may be constantly changing, leaving friends and family members confused as to whether you’re single or in a relationship. 

Why do these cycles happen?

These patterns can start for various reasons, from childhood experiences to the unique dynamics between partners. Some examples include:

• Partners changing their minds after a breakup
• Not getting proper closure after ending the relationship the first time
• A fear of intimacy or abandonment in relationships
• Low self-esteem, which can make partners restart a relationship that wasn’t right for them
• Childhood caretakers who modeled on-and-off relationships

While outside circumstances can play a role in on-again, off-again relationship, they don’t account for all on-and-off relationships. In some cases, partners may become emotionally dependent on one another. This can make it hard for those in an on-again, off-again relationship to stay separated even after breaking up.

Unresolved conflicts and communication

One reason cyclical relationships occur may be because of unresolved conflict, which, when left unresolved, can lead to repetitive arguments and problems. If couples don’t take the time to sit down and resolve issues, both partners may find it difficult to move forward.

Attachment and familiarity

Lingering feelings for a former partner and the feeling of familiarity can cause people to return to a relationship. Also, in toxic or abusive relationships, a person might return to their partner out of fear or hope that things will get better. To understand attachment and how it impacts your relationships, you can speak with a therapist. 

External stressors and life transitions

Different life circumstances can influence your social and personal relationships, such as life transitions, family pressures, or financial worries. Since energy is spent dealing with everyday stressors, couples may find it hard to spend time together and gain perspective on their relationship.

Warning signs that this dynamic is harming you

What people want from a relationship is different for everyone, and a red flag for one person may not apply to another, but there are common signs that show a relationship is harming you.

Red flags that show it’s time to leave

• Repeated betrayals: If a partner breaks your trust over and over again, oftentimes by lying, cheating, or breaking promises.
• Power imbalance: Your partner seems to be deciding your fate, initiating break-ups and reconciliations, or influencing every decision in the relationship. 
• Escalating conflict: Arguments become intense, frequent, and even volatile, leading to even more conflict.
• Lack of mutual respect: Through criticism, dismissal of feelings, or other behaviors, your partner shows you a lack of respect.
• Any form of abuse: Verbal, emotional, or physical behaviors that frighten, intimidate, or threaten your health and safety in any way. 

Signs the relationship can be repaired

When you’ve recently broken up with your partner, you may be tempted to get back together with them, especially if outside circumstances drove you apart. Sometimes, original issues and negative aspects of the relationship can be fixed, and you can both improve and sustain the relationship long-term.

Signs to look for

If you and your partner take accountability for your actions and your role in contributing to misunderstandings, are both willing to respect each other's clear boundaries (such as designated time apart), show mutual respect for one another, and make an effort to change for the better (whether through therapy or honest conversations), then you may ultimately be able to form a healthy relationship and move past conflict.

The downsides of on-again, off-again relationships in opposite-sex and same-sex relationships

Across all relationship types, on-and-off-again relationships may increase psychological distress. In addition, cyclical relationships can have other negative effects, such as: 

• Relationship instability
• Emotional frustration
• Unhealthy views about future relationships
• Decreased relationship satisfaction
• Trouble trusting one’s partner
• Mental health challenges like anxiety and depression
• Chronic stress, which may lead to issues like high blood pressure

Boundary-setting toolkit for on-and-off again relationships 

Setting boundaries is one way couples can establish independence, focus on their own well-being, and break unhealthy cycles. 

How to set boundaries and preserve your relationship status

To set clear boundaries, it can be helpful to identify your needs, such as what is most important to you in a relationship. In an on-and-off again relationship, you may want to establish independence and rules for engagement. Below are some examples of things you can say to form specific boundaries:

• Boundaries around contact during break-ups: “If we decide to break up again, I’d like us to avoid contact for at least a month so that we both have time to reflect.”
• Boundaries for reconciliation: “Before we decide to get back together, I’d like us to discuss what went wrong and how we’re going to make it work.”
• Boundaries on mutual respect: "Regardless of our relationship status, I’d like us to be kind toward each other first, and avoid any yelling, name-calling, or negative behavior to each other.”

How to gain perspective and evaluate lingering feelings

When you're in a cyclical relationship, it can be difficult to gather your thoughts and judge whether you should stay or go, but certain exercises may help. Timeline mapping is one way you can identify patterns in a relationship. By writing down what caused each split and why you got back together, you may gain insight. 

Another exercise you can try includes writing a pros and cons list of specific behaviors, such as “they go out of their way to buy me coffee,” or “they dismiss any conversations about the future.” To gain further clarity, you may create a red flags and repairables list. Any form of abuse or repeated lying, for example, would be in the red flags list, while poor communication skills may be in the repairables list. 

Practical steps to stop the cycle right now

It can be stressful to find yourself in an on-again, off-again relationship, but there may be a way to stop the cycle without breaking up with your partner. Below are some practical steps to successfully navigate a path forward.

Do some reflection

Reflect on what you’re looking for in a relationship, whether your needs are being met, and what is leading you to keep breaking up with your partner. Is it something that can be solved, or is the same thing likely to happen again?

Prioritize communication with the other person

If it’s safe to do so, consider sitting down with your partner to discuss your relationship. Talk through your reasons for cycling, and try to get on the same page about the underlying issue. If you’re both committed to making it work, consider how you can make this time together different from the others.

Insist on couples therapy

If you’ve broken up and gotten back together multiple times and find it difficult to communicate effectively, you may want to consider couples therapy. Research suggests couples therapy improves communication, intimacy, and other aspects of a relationship. Therapists act as a support system, helping couples stop the cycle and begin prioritizing self-care. Therapists can also guide couples through no-contact periods if needed. 

Staying to stay safe in an on-again, off-again relationship is a priority. If your on-again, off-again relationship involves any form of violence or abuse, consider making a plan to leave. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be helpful if you aren’t sure what to do.

When to leave: Criteria and next steps

Sometimes, ending the relationship is the healthiest decision, especially if you’re noticing warning signs, more conflict after each reconciliation, or even abuse. To leave a relationship safely, you can tell your support system beforehand, seek alternative housing (if you live together), document any concerning or abusive behavior, plan the conversation in a safe space (in public if there are safety concerns), and be clear with your decision. 

Take care of your mental health

On-and-off relationships can often be mentally and emotionally taxing. While you may be tempted to focus on the relationship, it can also be helpful not to neglect your own needs. Try to practice self-care, like eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, and making time for your other personal relationships and family relations.

Foster your social and personal relationships

Cyclical relationships can also affect your relationships with friends and family members. They may lose interest in constant updates and find it difficult to offer support. While talking about the relationship can provide clarity, it may also help the friendship if you spend time with your friends, focusing on joint hobbies, activities, and enjoyment. 

Getting help through therapy

Navigating an on-and-off relationship can be exhausting and time-consuming, but to enhance relationship success or move on from an unhealthy relationship, professional support can make a difference.

How individual therapy and couples therapy differ for cyclical relationships

In individual therapy, a therapist can help you build self-worth, clarify your values, set boundaries, and make healthy decisions. Alternatively, in couples therapy, you may focus on identifying destructive communication patterns, fostering mutual respect and intimacy, and deciding what’s best for your collective future.

When to seek clinical psychology support

If you’re experiencing negative feelings, thoughts, and symptoms due to your on-again, off-again relationship, you may want to consider mental healthcare. For convenient care, online therapy allows you to talk to a counselor from wherever is most convenient, via voice calls, video calls, or in-app messaging.

Efficacy of online therapy

Online therapy has been found to be as effective as in-person therapy at treating depression and anxiety, which can both be common effects of on-and-off relationships. In a 2023 study of over 27,000 patients in the U.K., researchers found that internet-based therapy showed similar effectiveness to in-person treatment for managing anxiety and mood disorders.