Understanding The On-Again-Off-Again Relationship

Content warning: The following article contains references to abuse and other topics that may be triggering to some readers. If you or someone you know is experiencing any kind of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at any time by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). 

Perhaps one of the most turbulent types of romantic relationships are on-again, off-again relationships. These relationships, defined by a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, can have negative effects on couples’ emotional and mental health. Let’s take a closer look at some of these effects, as well as why on-and-off relationships may happen, and what you can do if you find yourself in one. 

What is an on-again, off-again relationship?

An on-again, off-again relationship (sometimes also called an “on-off” relationship or an “on-and-off” relationship) is a relationship where couples repeatedly break up and get back together again. The breakups and make-ups in such a relationship may last anywhere from a few days to multiple years, creating an unstable and often unhealthy pattern. 

Why on-and-off relationships can happen

Cyclical relationships can start for various reasons, from childhood experiences to the unique dynamics between partners. Some examples include:

• Partners changing their minds after a breakup
• Not getting proper closure after ending the relationship the first time
• A fear of intimacy or abandonment
• Low self-esteem, which can make partners restart a relationship that wasn’t right for them
• Childhood caretakers who modeled on-and-off relationships

Sometimes, on-and-off relationships are simply the result of life getting in the way. For example, if one partner’s job requires them to move away from the other, they might end the relationship and restart it when they move back. Couples may also commonly separate due to family pressures, only for lingering feelings to eventually draw them back together. 

But while outside circumstances can play a role, they don’t account for all on-and-off relationships. In some cases, partners may become emotionally dependent on one another. This can make it hard for them to stay separated even after breaking up. Other times, trouble with commitment, attachment styles, or past trauma may also be involved. In the case of a toxic or abusive relationship, a person might return to their partner out of fear or hope that things will get better. 

The downsides of on-again, off-again relationships

When you’ve recently broken up with your partner, you may be tempted to get back together with them, especially if outside circumstances were what drove you apart. Perhaps you’re holding onto hope that the original issues can be fixed, or that with a change in time or place, you can sustain the relationship longer. 

But relationship churning may have a range of consequences—both for the health of your relationship and your mental health. In a 2018 study of 545 people in same- and opposite-sex relationships, researchers found that breaking up and getting back together was linked to higher levels of psychological distress. The levels of distress increased the more couples repeated this pattern. In 2021, the same researchers also found that these effects could persist for upwards of 15 months. 

Some other, more specific consequences of on-and-off relationships may include:

• Relationship instability
• Emotional frustration
• Unhealthy views about future relationships
• Decreased relationship satisfaction
• Trouble trusting one’s partner
• Mental health challenges like anxiety and depression
• Chronic stress, which may lead to issues like high blood pressure

Research also shows that on-and-off relationships may be more likely to be abusive. In a 2013 study, researchers gathered data from interviews of 792 young adults who were in, or had recently been in, romantic relationships. They found that those who were involved in on-and-off relationships were twice as likely to report physical violence in their relationships. They were also more likely to report verbal abuse. (Note that relationship research is always evolving, and older studies may have been reevaluated since their original publication.)

What to do about an on-off relationship

It can be stressful to find yourself in an on-again, off-again relationship, but there may be a way to find a path forward. This may not always involve breaking up with your partner, but this may be the only logical step for your mental health and overall well-being. With this in mind, the following tips may be helpful:

Focus on safety

First and foremost, it can be crucial to stay safe. If your relationship involves any form of violence or abuse, consider making a plan to leave. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be helpful if you aren’t sure what to do. 

Do some reflection

If you’ve been relationship cycling for a while, it may be worth taking an honest look at the situation. Reflect on what you’re looking for in a relationship, whether your needs are being met, and what is leading you to keep breaking up with your partner. Is it something that can be solved, or is the same thing likely to happen again?

Communicate with the other person

If it’s safe to do so, consider sitting down with your partner to discuss your relationship. Talk through your reasons for cycling, and try to get on the same page about the underlying issue. If you’re both committed to making it work, consider how you can make this time together different from the others.

Establish boundaries

Whether you stay in the relationship or not, boundaries can prevent unhealthy patterns. Consider where your limits are, and work with your partner to establish ground rules. What boundaries can you set to prevent another cycle if the relationship doesn’t work out? 

Take care of your mental health

On-and-off relationships can often be mentally and emotionally taxing. While you may be tempted to focus on the relationship, it can also be helpful not to neglect your own needs. Try to practice self-care, like eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, and making time for your other personal relationships.

Getting therapy can be a useful way to preserve your mental health in an on-again, off-again relationship. Whether you’ve noticed mental health symptoms or you simply want support from a neutral third party, a therapist may be a source of valuable advice. 

Navigating an on-and-off relationship can be exhausting and time-consuming. This may make it harder to find time to see a therapist in person. Online therapy allows you to talk to a counselor from wherever is most convenient, via voice calls, video calls, or in-app messaging. 

Online therapy has been found to be as effective as in-person therapy at treating depression and anxiety, which can both be common effects of on-and-off relationships. In a 2023 study of over 27,000 patients in the U.K., researchers found that internet-based therapy showed similar effectiveness to in-person treatment for managing anxiety and mood disorders. 

Takeaway

An on-and-off relationship happens when a couple repeatedly breaks up and gets back together again. There can be various reasons for this, from life conflicts to childhood experiences or low self-esteem. On-and-off relationships can have negative effects on mental health. They may also be more likely to involve abuse. If you’re in this type of relationship, it can be important to prioritize your safety while reflecting on your situation, communicating with your partner and, if needed, talking to a therapist.