Red Flags And Other Warnings: Noticing Signs In Early Relationships

Medically reviewed by Andrea Brant, LMHC
Updated May 15, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include suicide, substance use, or abuse which could be triggering to the reader.
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Entering a new relationship can be exciting for some and a nerve-racking experience for others. Some people who experience trauma from surviving abuse may find navigating a relationship challenging due to trust issues and other factors. Others may not have the information necessary to notice the red flags that can often be early signs of abuse in the future. This article explores potential warning signs and red flags that could snowball over time and damage a relationship, such as apathy, untruthfulness, narcissism, and low self-esteem. If you’re unsure whether your partner’s behavior qualifies as a red flag, it may be helpful to discuss your concerns with a therapist online or in person.

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Red flags and early warning signs
The National Weather Service and other meteorological organizations use a system of flags to report certain weather conditions. Red flag warnings are generally used to indicate fire danger such as extremely warm weather, low relative humidity or very low humidity generally, and stronger winds. Red flag conditions present an increased risk of fires that are hard to control and mean that things like throwing cigarettes from moving vehicles or a cooking fire left unattended could ignite dry grass, create wildfires, and start major devastation. 

Because a red flag is used to signal conditions that could quickly become catastrophic in a fire scenario, the term has become synonymous with bad or dangerous warnings in other contexts, too. The term “red flag” is now popularly used to describe a behavior, way of talking, or other trait of a person that tips people off to their bad intentions or inherent danger.

While words and phrases such as “gaslighting,” “emotional unavailability,” and “narcissism” may be common in the modern lexicon as more emphasis is placed on the importance of mental health, it can be difficult to be aware of these factors when navigating a relationship yourself. 

Sometimes, we may have such a “spark” with a prospective partner that we are willing to ignore red flags. Other times, we might not even notice them until after emotional or physical abuse has already occurred. 
Some red flags in relationships can seem obvious, such as the threat of physical violence or misuse of substances and alcohol. Others might not seem so obvious unless one knows what to look for.

According to studies, some of the most frequently cited red flags in relationships can include:

  • Narcissism: This can include the inability to admit when one is wrong or the belief that one is “better” than those around them.
  • Insecurity and low self-esteem: While not everyone who experiences insecurity and low self-esteem is likely to encounter challenges in relationships, these traits can manifest into jealousy and controlling behavior if left unchecked. 
  • Apathy: Those with apathetic partners often believe they are putting more work into the relationship than their partner. Apathy can also manifest as emotional unavailability or a general lack of responsibility and stability in one’s life.
  • Untruthfulness: As much as many people may not like being lied to by their partners, lying can be harder to spot than we realize. A partner frequently telling you stories that don’t quite add up often relies on their manipulation skills to get away with this.
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Addressing red flags with a partner

While it can be normal for partners to argue or have disagreements occasionally, having clear and open communication can be crucial. A healthy relationship is often one in which both partners can voice their concerns without fear of retaliation or harm.

While some signs, such as physical violence or threatening behavior, can be ways to know one needs to leave a relationship immediately, some less obvious red flags can be addressed through healthy communication. In many cases, a partner may not be aware of their “red flag” traits, and calmly talking about your concerns with them can sometimes lead to great results.

It can be crucial to establish healthy boundaries with partners, and it can be beneficial to take some time away from relationships if you feel that you’re consistently choosing partners who do not meet your needs.

Relationship stress is typically not just hard on the relationship itself, but having a partner who exhibits red flags and undesirable behaviors can increase the risk of developing mental health conditions and even heart disease. 
Red flags and survivors of abuse
Those who have survived abuse and have lasting traumas may already be hyper-aware of the various red flags, or perhaps they may find that they consistently choose partners who exhibit these red flags later on in the relationship. 
This can sometimes lead people to feel hesitant and fearful about relationships. Sometimes, they may avoid potential relationships due to their past experiences. When one has survived abuse, many traits and behaviors might seem like red flags.

In this case, seeking help from a therapist or mental health professional can help you overcome challenges brought on by past relationships and negative experiences. For many individuals, therapy can create a safe, judgment-free space to work through past experiences, establish boundaries, and successfully navigate future relationships. It can also be a helpful resource for those who are new to relationships and unsure how to spot the various red flags that can manifest. 

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Benefits of online therapy

Online therapy can be a helpful resource for those seeking a convenient way to receive professional relationship guidance. It can be particularly useful for survivors of abuse who may not feel comfortable discussing their experiences face-to-face with another person. You can have an honest conversation with a professional from behind the screen of your smartphone or computer. Online therapy can also offer easier and faster access to care, as you generally don’t have to spend time in a waiting room before meeting with your therapist.

Effectiveness of online therapy

In addition to its convenience, online therapy can also be a viable option because of its effectiveness. Several studies demonstrate that online therapy can deliver a quality of care equal to that of in-person therapy. More specifically, internet-delivered cognitive behavioral therapy has often been reported to help manage symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder in survivors of intimate partner abuse, which may make them hyper-sensitive to red flags in a new relationship.

Takeaway

Regardless of the excitement of entering a new relationship, it may be important to pause and pay attention to potential red flags from your partner. Being aware of undesirable character traits in your partner, such as narcissism, emotional unavailability, controlling behavior, and a disposition towards physical violence or threatening behavior, can help you avoid unhealthy or toxic relationships. A licensed therapist can offer additional insight and guidance through online or in-person therapy sessions.
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