Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn When He Knows It Bothers Me?

By Sarah Cocchimiglio

Updated February 11, 2020

Reviewer Nicole J. Johnson

Porn can be a sensitive subject among couples, but the first thing you need to know is that because your partner watches porn -- doesn't mean your partner doesn't care for you or find you attractive. Porn consumption is part of a billion-dollar industry, there are a lot of partners out there who are concerned about their partner developing a porn habit. These people ultimately find themselves asking the same question: "Why does my boyfriend watch porn when he knows it bothers me?"

In this article, we're going to discuss the reasons your boyfriend or husband may be watching porn. We'll also give you some tips on having a productive conversation with your partner about your partner's porn habits, unrealistic expectations, and how to fight the new drug that is porn addiction... After reading this article You can learn to navigate the challenge of addressing pornography use and addiction so you can move forward in a mutually fulfilling relationship with your partner.

Your Boyfriend Watches Porn And It Bothers You, There Are Ways To Talk About It
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Why does my boyfriend watch porn?

Your relationship is about much more than your physical appearance, though that may be one factor. If you don't want your boyfriend to watch porn because you don't want him to find anyone but you sexually attractive, then your intentions are misguided. First, it's completely natural for your boyfriend (and for you) to find other humans attractive. There's a difference between being attracted to -- or even aroused by -- someone and acting on that attraction. Many people consider their partner watching porn as a form of cheating. Whether or not porn is cheating in your relationship -- is up to the discretion of you and your partner. In an effort to fight the new drug that is porn addiction it's important to note the following.
For porn to be considered an addiction, it has to have a debilitating effect on the relationship or the life of the porn user.

Second, even though your boyfriend wants to watch porn or masturbate to it, he likely has no intention of having a sexual relationship with someone else. Most people don't watch porn because they're looking for a relationship with the people on-screen. Your sexuality is only one component of why your partner chose you and continues to choose you. Your partner watching porn isn't going to change that. The sexual images he views in porn are designed for specific purposes, and they probably have nothing to do with you or your relationship. Porn isn't the enemy.

Look within yourself, and consider if you might be jealous about your boyfriend watching porb because of the attention he gives to other sexually attractive people. If so, it's important to understand that jealousy is often based on your own fears, such as the fear that your partner will leave you for someone else. If this is the only reason you want your boyfriend to stop watching porn -- you may have a much bigger issue. Talk to your partner about these fears and be honest about why you really want him to stop watching porn. He may be able to reassure you that his porn usage has nothing to do with being dissatisfied with your relationship or lusting after a porn star.

Did you discuss the issue?

The bottom line is that you and your boyfriend need to have an open line of communication about sex. This is especially true if your partner watches porn. If you've been dropping hints about your dislike for his porn habits and that you want him to stop watching porn -- there's a good chance he's not picking up what you're putting down about his porn usage. You need to talk to him directly about your concerns about his porn usage and how it's affecting you.

Your relationship is worth having this difficult conversation. If you don't address it, thinking that it's "no big deal" things could potentially get worse when unrealistic expectations are set. However, it's also normal to be fearful about having a conversation about boyfriends watching porn if you're concerned it could bring up conflict. To make the conversation easier, it's a good idea to have a real-life plan with steps to take when your partner is watching porn. Outline what is critical for you to address, including the reasons you feel porn is harmful to your relationship. then find a time and place for the conversation about your partner watching porn.

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People watch porn for a variety of reasons. Some have a higher-than-normal sex drive and watch porn for this reason. Others watch porn because it's a hobby or other form of entertainment.

During the discussion, speak directly to your boyfriend, and speak matter-of-factly; don't focus solely on your emotions. Don't finger point or name call either. Instead use specific examples to communicate clearly about how your boyfriend watching porn is affecting the relationship.


It's important to note that some couples watch porn together. It's not uncommon to hear a wife say " I watch porn with my husband." Try not to interrupt him, and understand that he has his own perspectives. It's not about being right-it's about understanding each other.

If your boyfriend refuses to acknowledge your concerns or watches porn behind your back after saying he won't, then you should consider the possibility that you are not compatible partners. Alternatively, you could try mediation with a professional couples therapist or sex therapist to get to the bottom of the issue. If you feel it's degrading and your partner feels it's not a big deal, this may be a sign of incompatibilities in your relationship.

How Porn Affects Intimacy

In some cases, pornography can threaten emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship. Emotional intimacy is the deep connection that close friends have with one another; it is the ability to have open, honest, and straightforward communication. Sexual intimacy, on the other hand, involves sexual behaviors including touching, kissing, or intercourse. If you feel like your boyfriend's pornography habit is affecting the intimacy in your relationship, you have every right to be concerned. He may not see any harm in browsing a porn website and indulging in the porn world. On the other hand, you may have conflicting beliefs about the porn industry (and it really is a big deal to you).

When it comes to sexual intimacy, watching porn can affect the regular sex that occurs between you two. Someone who watches porn may need more sexual stimulus than usual to achieve the response that the pornography evokes. Normal sex in a relationship can also become less interesting for the porn user. By watching porn behind your back, he may be turning away from you sexually, but it's also an emotional betrayal. He's keeping a secret.(This can be doubly frustrating if he's watching porn that's considered even more risque than the norm or repeatedly watching the same porn star over and over again.) If your boyfriend's pornography habit is affecting your sex life, then you need to take action. You might want to start with yourself.

What are your views on pornography?

Evaluate your views and values on pornography. Ask yourself if watching porn has always been a big deal for you -- or if there is a situation that caused you to feel this way. What would it mean to accept your boyfriend's porn use, and would you consider watching pornographic materials together? Does porn conflict with your values? Looking back, there have been times when you rebelled against certain values or changed your mind as you've learned more about yourself and the world. Your beliefs about porn could evolve, or it could be a deal breaker.

Your Boyfriend Watches Porn And It Bothers You, There Are Ways To Talk About It
Work On Your Relationship Issues With A License Counselor Today

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Your religion may affect your beliefs about porn. Are you Christian and struggling with the morality of pornography? You may have very clear beliefs about the way God feels about sexual activity outside of marriage. Having sex with lots of girls (like porn stars do) may have been frowned on in your upbringing or early life. If your boyfriend shares similar religious beliefs, and he too acknowledges the wounds that may be caused pornography, you might consider getting help together. If he's also struggling, you can work to heal and rebuild trust together.

Perhaps you're upset about your boyfriend's pornography use because you're concerned about the certain negative effects. For example, most mainstream pornography sexually objectifies women. Research shows that watching mainstream porn tends to produce stronger attitudes supporting violence against women. In an effort to fight the new drug (that can be porn if left unchecked) it;s important to have important conversations with your partner about porn. You care about your boyfriend, and it is completely understandable that you're worried about these facts. It's natural to want him to stop watching content that may support violence toward women.

Another study designed to fight the new drug found that as men watch more porn, they value women's rights less. The study also shockingly suggested that the results were similar among women; the more porn women watched, the less they supported women's rights. Other research suggests a correlation between pornography and domestic violence. When pornography starts to control your life -- it's called an obsession.

In addition, mainstream porn tends to give men unreasonable sexual expectations of women, and porn may even perpetuate unrealistic beliefs and expectations regarding female orgasm and male sexual performance. If this concerns you, talk to your partner. You might gain more confidence in him if you share your concerns openly. He might also be willing to watch more realistic porn with less misogynistic portrayal of women if watching porn really isn't a big deal for him.

Is your boyfriend addicted to porn?

Porn just like alcohol, and illicit drugs can become an addiction if it is having negative effects on your life. You may be surprised when its' called a drug.

Is your boyfriend struggling with porn addiction and its consequences? Porn can end relationships, but it can also ruin your boyfriend's ability to enjoy sex altogether. For some men, a porn habit can keep them from being a healthy sexual partner. For example, he could become dependent on porn for sexual arousal or to achieve orgasm. Have you talked about how porn is affecting him, not just you? He may be struggling with his porn use, but unable to initiate that conversation.

How BetterHelp Can Help

Because this is such a sensitive subject with potentially far-reaching consequences, a simple conversation may not solve the problem. If you need to talk to someone, you may want to consider counseling, or you may want to try couple's counseling with your boyfriend. This is true even if you're one of the millions of women who declare " I watch porn with my husband" (or boyfriend. Many of BetterHelp's over 4,000 licensed therapists specialize in relationship issues nd sex therapists are prepared to fight the new drug that is pornography addiction. They've helped couples just like you get through sex-related issues like erectile dysfunction and porn addiction.

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Read on to learn what people in similar circumstances say about their experiences with BetterHelp counselors, from people experiencing similar issues in their effort to fight the new drug that is porn addiction.

Counselor Reviews

"The longer I work with Dr. Simon, the more grateful I am to have found a counselor who strikes such a kind balance between supporting and empathizing as well as challenging and coaching. She's been invaluable to the progress I've made individually and in my relationship."

Your Boyfriend Watches Porn And It Bothers You, There Are Ways To Talk About It
Work On Your Relationship Issues With A License Counselor Today

"I've worked with Alyson for 1 month and it was my first time working with a therapist. From when I started, I feel so much better. I was dealing with frustrations in my relationship and I also was constantly stressed and anxious. Alyson showed me ways to communicate better in my relationship and how to work at them. She also helped me with stress management tactics and now I feel really good about how to handle my stress. I feel much less anxious now. Overall I am in a much happier place and obstacles feel like merely obstacles because there's stress-free ways to tackle life problems. Thank you so much, Alyson!"

Conclusion

Couples face many challenges, and learning how to fight the new drug --pornography can be a tough one to navigate. As you overcome this challenge, you can learn more about each other and grow as a couple. You may even enhance your sex life. If you are and your partner meet this challenge skillfully, your emotional closeness can deepen over time. BetterHelp counselors are here for you every step of the way.




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