Have You Ever Thought: Why Does No One Want Me?

Being single might not always feel easy, especially when it seems like everyone is paired off. Sometimes rejection can sting, and it might even lead a person to think something is wrong with them. However, being single is not an indication of a flaw or failing for most, and it generally has no impact on a person’s worth or worthiness of love. In fact, it can be a common season of life for many—and learning how to accept where you currently are with grace can elevate your quality of life. 

Below, we’re discussing ways to build self-love and self-confidence in this season, even if it seems hard right now. We’ll also discuss the role of self-care and therapy in this journey.

Why do I feel bad about myself?

There are many reasons why a person might feel as if no one wants them. Whether you have gone through a difficult breakup, are struggling with unemployment, are dealing with anxiety disorders or depression or are simply going through a hard time, you may feel defeated and alone. It can be helpful to know that you are not the only person to have felt this way, and you do not need to feel this way permanently.

The kind of “work” that we’re referring to in context is the kind of work that you can take on to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship. It can also make you a healthier person all on your own. By focusing on self-confidence, self-care, self-esteem, and self-love, you can also prepare yourself to find someone who will be good to you as you have been to yourself.

The beauty of self-confidence

Many might find that the most attractive characteristic of any person might be their self-confidence. This trait can draw people in, empowering many to forge connections.

Think of someone you know who always seems to receive positive attention. Think about the way that individual carries themselves. When they enter a room, you might notice that they most likely hold their head up and their shoulders back, moving their hands and feet with purpose. They might make strong eye contact and engage readily in conversations, offering attention to those around them, too. This kind of social ease and self-assuredness may be rooted in self-confidence—which, for many, can be a learned skill.

Is learning self-confidence worth the work? For many, yes. A self-confident demeanor can make a better impression than physical attributes. If you feel that having self-confidence is a challenge for you, you can take heart in knowing you are not doomed to have low self-confidence forever. Self-confidence is a skill that can be learned and strengthened, just like anything else.

Build self-confidence with self-care

The best way for many to build self-confidence might be through self-care. Self-care is usually different for everybody because, at the end of a long day, everybody might unwind in different ways. If you’re not sure where to begin, you might consider figuring out what simple pleasures make you feel relaxed, at ease or happy.

Self-care can be practical. For example: Think about a few dishes you enjoy or would like to cook. Either in your own kitchen or via takeout, you can explore new foods, flavors, and styles. You can take charge and do it to make yourself happy, keeping in mind that developing your own interests, talents, and hobbies can give you greater confidence and conversational ability as you meet new people, too. You can learn how to prepare a fantastic meal or dessert, or you can suggest a dinner date at a restaurant that you know is great.

Conversely, some people might find self-care in restorative relaxation, like long baths, gentle yoga or music. Others might prefer active pastimes like hiking or jogging. Perhaps you’d like to arrange a regular social gathering with friends or a quieter time with one or two close friends. From working out to attempting new skills and hobbies to joining a book club, there are many ways to take care of yourself and restore your feelings of peace and wholeness. When you feel better from the inside out, you can exude self-confidence more frequently.

Self-care can build self-esteem

Beyond self-confidence, you can also benefit from building your self-esteem, which generally refers to the way you see yourself, your abilities and your accomplishments. Self-esteem can be shaped by our caregivers, early environments, authority figures, peers, and other individuals in our lives. We also generally have the power to shape it ourselves.

Taking care of yourself can allow you to feel clear-headed and restored, instead of burned out or depleted. Once you have engaged in a self-care activity or pastime, you can allow yourself to reflect on your positive qualities and accomplishments. To do this, you might talk to yourself the way you would talk to a dear friend—feeling your self-esteem rise over time.

With healthy self-esteem, you can gain a better understanding of yourself and the positive ways in which others may see you.

Self-esteem can create self-love

It can be difficult to be in a solid relationship and to love another person without loving yourself first. If you constantly need affirmation due to a lack of self-confidence, self-care and self-esteem, you might find that a partner may be unable to provide adequate support—possibly making you feel worse.

It can be important, in this case, to take time to evaluate your self-confidence, feed it with legitimate acts of self-care, and allow that self-care to promote your self-esteem so that self-love can naturally follow. To begin, you might remind yourself as often as needed that you deserve love—from trusted loved ones, but also from yourself. 

Where to start building self-esteem

If you're currently experiencing low self-confidence or self-esteem, building self-love may feel overwhelming. If you’re not sure where to begin, you can start by treating yourself like a friend you are trying to encourage. If a dear friend were in your position, what would you say to lift their spirits and show them what they mean to you? You can then offer yourself the same support.

For example: Rather than tear yourself down over a mistake or missed opportunity, you can choose to let it go and reiterate positive actions and choices instead. You can also choose to give yourself time, space and plenty of kindness. You truly deserve it.

How counseling can help low self-esteem

Beginning a journey of self-care and self-love can be difficult and intimidating, and many people may seek out additional support to help them along the way. Pursuing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may also be a helpful approach to raising your self-esteem, and an online therapist through BetterHelp can guide you through CBT from the comfort of your own home.

Is online therapy effective?

A recent meta-analysis published in The Lancet has found data that suggests that online CBT can be just as effective in treating the symptoms of mental health conditions as in-person CBT is. 

This could be for many reasons across every participant’s individual context(s). For example: Many may find that online therapy is convenient for most and can be more affordable than alternative options. Additionally, because you can arrange your sessions with a therapist around your schedule and lifestyle, you can meet whenever and wherever you’d like.

Counselor reviews

"I feel extremely comfortable talking with Shannon Francom. She has a very warm personality and has been working with me to help me feel more confident in standing up for myself and improving my self esteem in all areas of life."

"Jodi has been of great help and has helped me work on a few different aspects of my life. I've struggled with intimacy-related issues that have caused my self-esteem to dip, as well as career path anxiety. He's been a great help in guiding me to feel better about everything which has allowed me to continue to improve and get better. I'll definitely be coming back to him in the future if needed."