Most of us want to live a life rich with happiness and fulfillment. Unfortunately, some emotions keep us from living out the true potential of our dreams. Self-doubt and insecurity can have a devastating effect on the way we live our lives.
How Do We Define Insecurity?
Modern usage of the word “insecure” is rooted in the medieval Latin “insecurus,” roughly translating to “tenuous.” One popular dictionary gives us two definitions of “insecure”:
Abraham Maslow, the famous American psychologist, described the insecure person a little differently as, "(The insecure person) perceives the world as a threatening jungle and most human beings as dangerous and selfish; feels rejected and isolated, anxious and hostile; is generally pessimistic and unhappy…is troubled by guilt feelings, has one or another disturbance of self-esteem…and is generally egocentric and selfish."
As you can likely tell, Maslow didn't seem to have a very high opinion of those experiencing insecurity. He does do a great job, however, of addressing the core beliefs of some of the most insecure people. Being insecure does not make someone an inherently bad person, and feelings of insecurity of valid and can be worked through and overcome. Many working through insecurity have just had previous negative experiences affecting their self-confidence and esteem.
What Makes Us Insecure?
When a person feels threatened by losing relationships, careers, acceptance, and whatever else is important to him or her, the fears often lead to lower self-esteem and confidence. Here are some common causes of insecurity:
Depending on the person's emotional resilience, one or a combination of these factors could contribute to their lack of self-confidence. If your life experience included any of these causes, it might be affecting your sense of security.
Define Insecurity In Yourself
Lacking self-confidence is something we all go through from time to time. Sometimes we may act insecure without even knowing it. By knowing the common signs of insecurity, you can determine if it's having an impact on your life. Do any of these behaviors describe you?
Tips For Managing And Overcoming Your Insecurity
If you feel insecurity is impacting your happiness and relationships, taking an active role in managing it is necessary. Here are a few tips to help you overcome insecurity in any aspect of your life:
Be Able To Define Insecurity In Others:
Some people feel the need to bring others down. Severely insecure people are in constant search of boosting their self-esteem regardless of the effects it has on others. Their inferiority complex and self-doubt leave them striving for a sense of superiority. When you are able to see and define insecurity in these individuals, you are less likely to absorb the effects of their negativity.
James Brookes (2015) conducted a study to help define insecure behaviors and the tendencies these people used to bring down others while feeding their troubled egos. His study found four clues in helping to define narcissistic, insecure behaviors. These are:
How Do You Deal With These People?
The simple answer is trying to phase them out of your life. Of course, this may not be so easy. They may be family members, romantic partners, co-workers, and even supervisors. The next best answer is to define insecure behaviors like the ones mentioned above and realize they may be causing your or their self-doubt. By not giving these people the power to bring you down, you can take the steps in making your own life happier. If a particular person still finds ways to get under your skin, take a deep breath and step back. Try to empathize. Remember Maslow's definition and be aware their inner turmoil may be much worse than anything they can make you feel. Try to open a calm and understanding line of communication with them to address these feelings and behaviors; some people may not even be aware that they have insecurities or that those insecurities are responsible for their thoughts and actions.
Finding Help For Yourself
While it can be hard to remain calm when those around you are insecure, insecurity in yourself can be even worse. If insecurity is having a negative effect on your life and well-being, therapy can help. By working together with a therapist to determine your core beliefs, you could define insecurity and how it is impacting your relationships and happiness.
If a traditional therapy setting is too expensive or not a possibility, online counseling is available. The certified and accredited therapists at BetterHelp provide affordable, convenient therapy services to help you work through the issuesnegatively impacting your life.
Online therapy has been found to be just as effective as in-person therapy at treating a host of conditions, including anxiety, depression, insecurity, self-esteem and many others. Specifically, internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) is incredibly useful in uncovering, understanding, and working through issues related to self-image, anxiety, and insecurities. A compilation of data from 373 different studies found ICBT to be more effective long-term in reducing symptoms and continuing reduction even post-treatment, as well as more cost-effective than in-person CBT.
Whether you live rurally, have a very busy schedule, or just don’t like the idea of sitting in an office, online therapy can help you. BetterHelp is available anytime, anywhere, including the comfort of your own home – you’ll just need an internet or data connection to get started. From there, you’ll be matched with a personalized therapist based on the answers you provide to a short questionnaire. Sessions are also fully customizable, able to be conducted via phone call, video chat, live voice recordings sent back and forth, or instant messaging within the BetterHelp app.
If the idea of remote counseling seems a little strange, consider reading through the following counselor reviews from other BetterHelp users who have sought help in managing insecurities and self-esteem.
Counselor Reviews
“Dr. Gordon is amazing. He tells like it is, but he respects your emotions, beliefs, morals, etc. He allows you to talk things out, even allows you to interrupt if necessary and gets to the root of the problem. He gives you advice and 'assignments' to help with your issues and encourages open communication which I really appreciate. I've been working with him for about four months and even though I still have ways to go, he's helped me to identify my insecurities, along with getting a better view of myself and my identity and letting go of my traumatic past.”
“Patrice is amazing! She is so kind and warm. I look forward to our sessions and every time we complete a session with her I feel understood and valued. She is patient, comforting and gives thoughtful advice. She has been a significant and impactful part of my journey towards bettering my mental health, healing and growing my self-esteem. I am so thankful I have been able to work with her!”
You may feel insecure, insecure people around you may be bringing you down, or insecurities in yourself that you don’t even know that you have could be negatively impacting your life and relationships. No matter what your position is, understanding what insecurity is and how to manage it can help you lead a happier and healthier life.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What’s The Definition Of An Insecure Person?
An insecure person is a person who, for whatever reason, doesn’t feel as though they are good enough. Some people who are insecure take it out on themselves, while other insecure people take it out on those around them.
What Are Examples of Insecurity?
Because insecurity manifests itself in primarily in two different ways, it makes sense to give two hypothetical examples, both of which may be similar to situations that you have seen in real life.
Think of the coworker who does their job in an exemplary manner. It seems that they could take on so much more, but they never apply for promotions, they accept bad behavior from others in the office, etc. It could be that, no matter how good they are at their jobs, they have lost faith in themselves and now are afraid to stand up for themselves or realize their full potential.
Now, think of the coworker or family member who is constantly bragging about their job, showing off, and implicitly or explicitly comparing themselves to others. Sometimes when people are insecure, they feel the need to compare themselves to others – those they see as superior being the cause of their insecurity and those they see as inferior being an escape to make themselves feel better.
What Causes Insecurity?
Insecurity can be caused by a number of things. Unsupportive parents or abusive relationships can damage one’s sense of self-worth. Life in competitive environments, embracing toxic relationships, or over-consumption of media that portrays unrealistic ideals can all make people feel like they aren’t living up to the expectations of others.
What Is Insecurity In A Relationship?
Insecurity in relationships in particular stems from the same basic causes but can manifest itself in slightly different ways.
Insecure people may be jealous or untrusting of their partners – their insecurity can cause them to suspect that their partner will be unfaithful, or lie about random things.
Alternatively, insecure people may put up with mistreatment and even abuse from their partner – their insecurity has them convinced that they couldn’t find or don’t deserve a better relationship, so they don’t try. Or they may know that things are unhealthy, but are too insecure to directly address it, know how to ask for help, or get out.
How Do I Know If I Am Insecure?
It may seem like a strange question, but if you have always been insecure it can be hard to know that that is what you’re feeling.
Having hobbies that you enjoy is important for a number of – one of them is identifying and overcoming insecurity.
Do something that you enjoy and that you know that you are good at and think of the feelings of self-acceptance and accomplishment that you gain from that. Now, compare that to the way that you feel when you are feeling insecure. What are you doing at those times? Who are you with? What’s the environment like?
Our work lives and relationships can have stresses that aren’t a part of our pastimes. However, if your job or relationships never give you the kind of feeling that your pastimes do, it could be because you feel insecure in work or relationships but not in your hobbies. That comparison can be an important sign.
How Do You Stop Feeling Insecure?
How you stop feeling insecure depends on why you feel insecure in the first place. Getting to the root of that can be difficult, but overcoming that is the first step to moving forward without your insecurities.
If you can think of a time when you weren’t insecure in work or relationships, you may be able to identify a key moment or period in time when something went wrong that potentially led or contributed to your current insecurities. Maybe you got fired from a job or your partner cheated on you. To work through your insecurities and lessen, or eliminate, their grip on you, you’ll have to address these concerns.
If you can’t think of a time when you didn’t feel insecure, it could be that your insecurities started in your childhood. Remind yourself that you aren’t a child anymore and you don’t have to be held back by those experiences anymore.
How Can You Tell If A Woman Is Insecure?
Women can show insecurities in all the same ways that all genders can. Unfortunately, society tends to treat each gender differently. As a result, women are more likely to show the symptoms of insecurity that involve putting up with bad situations or holding themselves back, as opposed to bragging about their accomplishments, showing off, competing with others, etc.
Be aware, however, that this can change based on the circumstances. For example, an insecure woman might behave one way with family or at work and behave a different way with her friends or when she is alone.
How Do I Stop Being Jealous And Insecure?
We already talked about how to stop being insecure, so let’s address jealousy as a result of insecurity.
Jealousy as a result of insecurity is usually an internal concern about yourself more than it is an external concern about your partner or friend. In other words, perhaps you’re not worried that your partner is cheating on you because you distrust your partner; perhaps you’re worried about your partner cheating on you because you don’t like yourself or devalue yourself.
If you have a healthy and supportive relationship, explain your feelings to your partner. Tell them that you do feel jealous, and if you know that your jealousy is the result of insecurity, let them know that, too. That way, your partner can help to support you. In overcoming your insecurities, you will also work toward overcoming your jealousy.