How BetterHelp Helped Me To Be A Recovering Pessimist: Jennifer

Jennifer grew up with a challenging home life and had poor experiences with therapy when she was young. As an adult, she experienced difficulties with low self-esteem and relationship challenges with her husband, who lived with a substance use disorder. As a result of traumatic experiences with her husband, Jennifer developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) at some point and began to feel overwhelmed with grief, anxiety, and depression. Around this time, she discovered an advertisement for online therapy and decided to give it a try.

Jennifer’s online therapist, Keri, offered her the help and support she truly deserved. Through online therapy, Jennifer was able to become more solution-oriented and let go of some of the anger she felt toward her husband. If you believe that, like Jennifer, you may benefit from online therapy, please know that help is always available.

Below is a brief version of Jennifer’s story. Please note that it has been lightly edited for grammar and clarity.

Jennifer’s previous experience with therapy

“Before signing up for BetterHelp, I grew up going to a number of counselors in person, which left me with a very bad taste of counseling. I grew up in an abusive household, and my generally considered normal reactions to the neglect and abuse caused my guardians to put me in counseling against my will. I was diagnosed and medicated for a number of things that I did not have.

Unmet expectations and bitterness

I never had a say in my counselors, and it was hard to get adults to believe me about what the real issues were, so I lost faith in the system. I had sworn off counseling because of this struggle. Therefore, as an adult, I was very bitter that people who were trained to notice these things had missed all the bad stuff that was going on with me in my home life.”

Jennifer’s challenges as an adult

“As an adult, I have leftover self-esteem issues from childhood, and I've never really felt I've thrived. However, the main reason I decided to seek help was that my husband, whom I have been with for 11 years, became addicted to prescription pills in 2014 while I was pregnant with our son, which then progressed into heroin.

The traumatic aftermath of addiction and relapse

I found out about his addiction in 2015 when I found him overdosing, leaving me with PTSD. After a shaky recovery for a year, he had a very bad and devastating relapse that was ongoing. It derailed our lives and our once-beautiful relationship. In February of this year, he abruptly left our son and me with absolutely no warning, and we had no idea what was going on. He had left us with nothing, so I was forced to move from North Carolina to Kentucky to live with my mom, and the grief, anxiety, and depression were overwhelming. I was completely emotionally crippled.

Coping with pessimistic thoughts and overwhelming emotions

At my lowest, I felt crazy and rationalized how my son would be better off without me, and that my life was over because the love of my life was gone. My husband's addiction caused a series of events that snowballed. I was heartbroken, my anxiety was out of control, I couldn't find any support or even a tiny bit of relief, and I was overwhelmed by the prospect of being a single parent with no skills or job history.”

How Jennifer discovered online therapy

"My situation was also so emotionally charged that I probably wouldn't have been able to speak the words out loud, to be honest.

Finding support with BetterHelp: Online therapy and mental health professionals

When I first heard about BetterHelp, I viewed myself as beyond help; I was a perpetually dysfunctional adult who was capable of nothing but failure. I failed everything I ever tried. I felt I was a terrible mother and too stupid to achieve any academic dreams. I was overwhelmed with anger at my husband for what happened between us, compounded by an inability to believe that he could recover or that he loved me. My anger caused a lot of issues in my marriage, and I could never manage to let it go.”

How online therapy changed Jennifer’s life

“Now, I view myself as a ‘recovering pessimist,’ and I feel a little more solution-oriented. My goals are more outlined, and I don't feel angry at my husband anymore.

My BetterHelp counselor, Keri, had me do something that sounded very simple—and if I'm honest, I'm a little ashamed to admit that I was very skeptical and thought the idea was kind of ‘hippity dippity.’ She had me write a letter to heroin, I believe, in order to separate my husband from his addiction. That task was the start of big changes for me. It was like my anger melted away, and it was anger I had been holding on to for years.

Overcoming challenges with mental health professional support

Keri helped me write positive affirmations with the intent of helping my self-esteem. While I'm not ‘cured’ in that department yet, now I at least catch myself when I think unhelpful thoughts. I'm 29 years old, and that's a pretty big deal for me after nearly three decades of telling myself that I was worthless, stupid, ugly, etc. I was also extremely surprised that Keri helped do some of the legwork with finding resources in my area and explaining processes regarding getting into college for me. She helped me expand my mind spiritually and supplied a lot of helpful articles and podcasts that comforted me during intense bouts of grief. She was there for me when I had no one else in the world.

How BetterHelp helped a pessimist: Dealing with my husband's addiction and relapse better

My husband came back after three months—supposedly out of treatment. I was able to approach our relationship and his addiction differently, thanks to what Keri helped me learn. I was able to truly love him again and express that love in a supportive way. I was also able to talk to him about problems and issues without it devolving into a fight or a breakup, which was common for us.

Finding strength in self-improvement and emotional expression

My husband ultimately relapsed and left about a week ago, again, at the end of July. I'm devastated, but because of the counseling I've had, I at least know that I was able to truly express my love for him in a good, healthy way. He had commented on how much I've changed and grown and how great it was. I'm heartbroken, but I take some small comfort in the fact that I finally did things right with him and his addiction. I spent many nights scared he was going to die without knowing that I still loved him, and at least this time, if that does occur, I know that he knows.” 

What it means to be a recovering pessimist

Pessimism is a mindset that’s often shaped by negative experiences in the past. A pessimist often imagines the worst possible outcome happening in any given situation and may be stricken with fear or negativity as a result. A recovering pessimist may be a person who acknowledges the negative impacts of their worldview and is actively working to change it, whether independently or with professional mental health support. 

Pessimism as a learned pattern, not a personality flaw

Pessimism is not a flaw or even a personality trait, though some personality types may be more prone to pessimism. Pessimism may develop as a defense mechanism to avoid being disappointed or caught off guard, but it can have negative mental health implications. For instance, pessimists may be less inclined to feel happy compared to optimists due to their focus on negativity. There is hope for pessimists to become more optimistic through self-care and therapy.

Letting go of pessimistic thinking

Letting go of pessimistic thinking isn’t often as easy as it sounds. Instead, it usually takes ongoing awareness and effort to identify negative thought patterns and actively work to reverse them. Many people benefit from professional mental health support when shifting from a negative mindset to a more positive one. 

How negative thought patterns take hold

Pessimism is a learned behavior that often takes hold during childhood. It can be a response to negative energy, parental pressure, chronic stress, or a single negative experience. 

Cognitive distortions and the brain’s response to stress

Pessimistic people may develop cognitive distortions as a response to stress or adverse events. These distortions often become ingrained and fuel future pessimistic thoughts and behaviors. Examples of common cognitive distortions include: 

• “All  or nothing” or “black and white” thinking: Difficulty seeing the gray areas or middle ground in a situation
• Catastrophizing: Overreacting to a small event, believing it to be a sign of everything falling apart
• Mind reading: Assuming others are thinking negatively about you or don’t like you
• Emotional reasoning: Ignoring facts and assuming something is wrong or scary because it feels that way 
  

Overcoming pessimism 

Pessimism is not a fixed mindset. You can learn to approach situations with a more positive mindset by using coping strategies and building healthy habits. 

Everyday strategies

There are strategies you can use daily to overcome a pessimistic mindset and create more opportunities for hope and happiness, including: 

• Keeping a gratitude journal
• Repeating positive affirmations
• Practicing mindfulness
• Using cognitive reframing when you’re anxious or afraid

These are techniques you can learn and practice yourself or under the guidance of a mental health professional. 

Habits that support happiness

The happier you are, the more positive and optimistic your outlook might be. Here are some ways to boost happiness in your everyday life: 

• Eating a balanced diet of nutritious foods
• Practicing a daily self-care routine
• Waking up and going to bed around the same time each day
• Keeping a productive schedule while finding time to do things you enjoy
• Using breathing techniques and other relaxation exercises on a regular basis
• Having a weekly conversation with friends or family members who make you feel heard, as opposed to only giving advice

Online therapy may help you overcome mental health challenges

If you can relate to Jennifer’s challenges, please know that relief and improvement can be possible for you, too. If, like Jennifer, traditional in-person therapy hasn’t been a good fit for you or isn’t currently available, you might benefit from online therapy, which research shows to be effective for a variety of mental health challenges, including PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

With online therapy, you can connect with a therapist from home or anywhere you have a stable internet connection, and you can communicate in a way that’s most comfortable for you, whether by audio, video, or live chat. You may even be able to seek out a licensed mental health professional with experience in the types of challenges you’re currently living with.