Start Rebuilding Trust In Your Marriage With Affair Therapy

Moving past infidelity

Extramarital affairs are often stressful events in a relationship. Resources are available that may help couples tend to their mental health after infidelity and find a path forward. One such resource, couples therapy, may have the potential to help couples process the infidelity, strengthen their relationship, improve their communication, rebuild trust, and respond to the challenges of an affair.

What is infidelity?

Because no two relationships are exactly alike, the behavior that constitutes infidelity can vary from couple to couple. Often, it is defined as a husband or wife’s betrayal of trust, loyalty, or vows. It typically involves a partner’s romantic or physical connection with someone who is not their significant other. It may also be known as “cheating” or “having an affair.”

Physical infidelity

Emotional infidelity

Emotional infidelity, also known as an emotional affair, occurs when one of the partners develops intense emotions with someone who crosses the boundaries of trust and loyalty in their primary romantic relationship. At times, it can be difficult to pinpoint what constitutes it, and the definition may vary quite a bit from relationship to relationship. Emotional affairs may include emotional intimacy, romance, or other non-physical displays or feelings of affection by one partner toward someone outside their relationship. Emotional infidelity can cause just as much, if not more, harm than physical infidelity, as feelings may be stronger in these situations.

Physical and emotional combination

Emotional and sexual infidelity can also occur simultaneously. In such cases, the combination of these actions could be in the form of a relationship with an outside partner that has both a physical and emotional component. 

Why does infidelity hurt so much?

Infidelity can cause significant damage to a relationship, not to mention the pain it causes for the people involved. Infidelity may hurt immensely because it represents a deep betrayal by a person whom we trust and is supposed to love us above all others.

Emotional effects after betrayal

You may begin to experience intense emotions the moment you find out about your partner’s betrayal, and these feelings may not subside for some time. The emotional responses of a hurt partner following infidelity can include: 

• Shock and disbelief
• Anger
• Grief
• Depression
• Anxiety
• PTSD, including flashbacks and nightmares
• Low self-esteem
• Loss of identity

Physical effects of infidelity

The hurt partner can also experience physical effects of infidelity, such as: 

• Increased blood pressure
• Stomach upset
• Insomnia
• Loss of appetite
• Fatigue

In some cases, these physical and emotional effects can be long-lasting. Medical attention and/or mental health support may be necessary in some cases. 

What are the causes of cheating? 

A variety of factors may lead to infidelity in a romantic relationship. These can include relationship problems, hurt feelings, low self-esteem, problems with sexual intimacy, life stressors, sex addiction, and various factors unique to each person and relationship. Because every person and every relationship is different, there may not always be a clear explanation for why the unfaithful partner engages in the affair. However, several common reasons may be worth exploring. These may include, but are not limited to:

• Communication difficulties between partners
• Major life events, such as the birth of a child, moving, career changes, and illness
• Intimacy challenges
• Compulsive sexual behavior disorder
• Challenges with substance use

These are just a few examples of the factors that may contribute to infidelity in a relationship. However, it could be helpful to remember that the presence of any one of these factors does not necessarily mean an affair will happen. Every person and relationship is different, after all. 

Why new relationships can feel intoxicating

New relationships can carry intense emotions that mimic the feeling of “getting high” from recreational substances. While this feeling can be pleasant, it’s also fleeting. Many wayward spouses continue to chase the high of a new relationship, resulting in multiple affairs over the course of a marriage. 

Preventing future infidelity 

Learning about the potential causes of infidelity and reflecting on the pain of an affair may help prevent cheating in the future. If you’re married and still feel the temptation to betray your spouse, a licensed therapist may be able to help you realize the root causes of these feelings and overcome them. 

Can marriages survive infidelity? 

For many couples, the question of whether a marriage can survive infidelity is a deeply personal and emotional one. For the injured party dealing with the aftermath, a common question that may arise is, “Can a marriage survive an affair” or even multiple affairs?

Because these circumstances can vary from couple to couple, the answer to this question may depend on several factors, including: 

• The level of commitment from both partners to address the unresolved issues or reasons the infidelity occurred.
• The level of commitment to the relationship from the spouse who had the infidelity.
• The communication practiced between the partners facilitates healing and the recovery process.
• The willingness of the injured partner to extend forgiveness to their significant other. 

When both individuals are committed to rekindling their relationship, there’s hope for healing. However, if one partner is less interested in reconciliation, even infidelity therapy may not be enough to save the marriage.

Both partners must be in agreement on the path forward after cheating

Both of the partners must be willing to rebuild their relationship after they have experienced infidelity if they want to save their relationship. One of the partners may be more interested in rekindling their relationship than the other partner, which may mean that infidelity therapy might not be enough to save the relationship.

Infidelity therapy as a path to recovery

Infidelity can be a challenging obstacle for couples to navigate. Still, when a couple decides their relationship is worth saving, it may be possible for a marriage to survive infidelity through dedication, communication, rebuilding trust, and outside support, such as assistance from a licensed marriage and family therapist who’s studied family psychology. Infidelity therapy can be a valuable resource for couples experiencing the effects and can be a useful tool to help couples get back to a healthy relationship.

A structured space

Infidelity therapy offers a structured and supportive environment where couples can address the pain caused by the betrayal, gain insight into the reasons behind the infidelity, and develop strategies for moving forward. In this space, a licensed therapist can help the couple use effective communication strategies to talk openly about their feelings and actively listen to the concerns of the other partner. By working with a therapist, couples can rebuild their emotional connection and work toward a healthier, more stable relationship.

Benefits of infidelity therapy

Therapists trained in infidelity counseling can offer a range of tools and techniques to help couples heal and grow stronger. These therapists can provide a variety of skills, techniques, and strategies for helping both partners to realize what went wrong, overcome unhelpful fault-based arguments, and work towards strengthening the relationship. Examples of these include providing the couple advice for improving communication, techniques for discussing emotions, recreating a safe space, insight into the possible causes, and recommendations for rebuilding intimacy. 

The healing journey after infidelity

By engaging in infidelity therapy, couples can gain a deeper understanding of their relationship and create a roadmap for the healing journey. Whether a marriage ultimately survives after infidelity depends on the effort and commitment of both partners, but with the guidance of a skilled therapist, healing is possible.

Immediate stabilization and emotional safety

The moment an affair is discovered can feel like a crisis situation for both partners. You may feel a surge of intense and complex emotions. You may feel like your entire world is shifting, and it could take a few days or weeks to fully realize the impact of what has happened. During this time, you’ll want to put the relationship on the backburner and prioritize your own emotions. Once you feel emotionally stable, you can begin to make decisions about the future of your relationship. 

Rebuilding trust over time

If you decide to remain in the relationship as opposed to walking away, it may be important to understand that rebuilding trust after infidelity may take time. How much time? That varies from couple to couple. You may find that even after months of therapy, you have good days and bad days. Try to overcome the temptation to put a timeline on the healing process. 

Tools from marriage and family therapist Dr. John Gottman: A structured method to rebuild trust

In affair therapy, therapists may use methods from the leading expert on relationships, Dr. John Gottman, and his Three-Step Trust Revival Technique. The Gottman Trust Revival method works in three phases:

Phase 1: Atone

Atone: Whether the relationship was strained to begin with, the partner cheated in their relationship history, or they were engaging in high-risk behaviors such as messaging women online, the unfaithful partner must atone for their behavior and how the infidelity negatively impacted the relationship. Dr. John Gottman views this atonement phase as allowing for the mourning of what once was.

Phase 2: Attune

Attune: This phase is considered the beginning of a new relationship. The couple focuses on the other’s needs and begins working on a new foundation of trust, respect, empathy, and loyalty. This way, the couple can tune into each other’s emotional needs and stay connected.

Phase 3: Attach

Attach: In the final phase, the couple’s goal is to open up the discussion around sex and their needs. It may be difficult after the infidelity, but reopening the door to intimacy with complete transparency can help both partners understand their desires and preferences. The discussion the couple has can strengthen them by opening doors that may have been closed long before the infidelity happened and inviting new, more intimate sexual experiences for both of the partners.

Roles and responsibilities after an affair

Whatever method your therapist uses, there may be clearly defined roles for both partners as you work together to repair your relationship. 

The hurt partner: Needs and boundaries

Before the hurt partner can begin to work on rebuilding trust in the relationship, they have to first acknowledge the truth of their pain and express that pain to their partner. The hurt partner may also need to set boundaries going forward in order to remain emotionally safe in the relationship. This could look like forbidding their partner from contacting the person they cheated with, for example. 

The wayward spouse: Accountability and repair behaviors

In order for affair therapy to be successful, the wayward spouse may need to realize and take full accountability for their role in damaging the relationship. This could mean apologizing directly for the affair and taking action to repair this damage. Examples of repair behaviors may include ending all contact with the person, answering your partner’s questions honestly, and practicing empathy towards your partner. 

Blame vs responsibility and how to move forward

After an affair, it could be tempting for the hurt partner to remain focused on placing blame and fault on the wayward spouse. This is a valid reaction to the pain of the affair, but it could be counterproductive to healing. Your therapist may help guide you toward a place of acceptance and eventually, forgiveness, so that you can effectively rebuild the relationship or end it feeling empowered, not victimized.

Transparency, communication, and repair conversations

In affair therapy, your therapist may guide you through a series of repair conversations with your spouse. This can be an important part of the healing practice, but it requires both partners to be completely transparent and practice effective communication skills. 

What "completely transparent" looks like in practice

Affair therapy requires the wayward spouse to be completely transparent about their actions. This means answering any and all of the hurt partner’s questions and revealing any communication exchanged during the affair. In order to rebuild trust, the wayward partner may need to remain transparent about their communications and whereabouts for a period of time. 

Communication guardrails for hard talks

In order to heal from infidelity, having difficult repair conversations with your spouse is inevitable. These discussions can be painful. You may even fear having them in the moment. However, certain communication skills and techniques can help you navigate them. Examples of communication guardrails may include: 

• Using “I” statements
• Practicing active listening
• Holding eye contact while talking
• Taking breaks to prevent overwhelm
• Avoiding name-calling or abusive language
• Setting boundaries for conversations

Individual therapy and couples therapy after an affair

In some cases, individual therapy in addition to couples therapy may be recommended after an affair. Individual therapy can help both the hurt partner and the wayward partner process emotions, heal, and develop intentions moving forward. 

How individual therapy supports the healing process

Infidelity harms not only the relationship, but also the individuals involved. In the aftermath of an affair, either partner can experience intense pain and other negative emotions such as guilt, shame, fear, and deep sadness. Individual therapy can help partners process these emotions and begin to heal personal wounds. Ultimately, this can benefit both individuals as well as the overall relationship.  

Couples infidelity therapy online

Attending traditional, in-person couples therapy may not always be feasible, though. For couples with conflicting schedules or those who are juggling work responsibilities, children, or other everyday life commitments, attending face-to-face therapy can be difficult. In these situations, online therapy through platforms like Regain may be a helpful alternative. Therapists specializing in online counseling can help couples address issues like infidelity while offering the flexibility to fit sessions into their busy lives.

Effectiveness of online infidelity therapy or couples therapy for working through challenges

Online therapy has been thoroughly researched as an alternative to traditional therapy for both couples and individuals. One recent study found that couples counseling and therapy conducted via videoconferencing was as effective as in-person couples therapy. This remote couples therapy improved both the relationship satisfaction and mental health of the participants.

Online therapy gives couples the chance to work with experienced therapists from the comfort of their own homes, creating a supportive space to overcome challenges like trust rebuilding and emotional healing. With the guidance of trained therapists, couples can make meaningful progress on their healing journey toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.