Everyone has a child self within them (an inner child) that reflects their past like a book. Sometimes, this means that the pain you experience when young can continue as you get older, and affect your adult self and mental health.
You may or may not have heard the phrase “inner child.” Even if you have encountered the topic in passing, however, you might still have some questions as to what it means. Basically, your inner child is your child self from your past. We all have an inner child, and we can all benefit from inner child therapy to heal our wounds and hear your inner child’s needs. The truth is that there’s nothing to “fix” when it comes to our inner child. Instead, the process is often largely about healing and love. Let’s start by talking about the definition of the term inner child. Then, we’ll discuss how to start healing your inner self and focus on adult life once more.
Not everyone is in touch with their child within. They may not even know that an inner world is present. Often, when people connect with their kid within, it's because they're dealing with a problem rooted in an early wounding or experience. Even if your kid within is healthy and happy, there is likely a part of you that feels and reacts to life the way a kid does. Everyone experiences this. The challenge is to know, accept, and connect with that kid within. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, "Your kid within is the part of your personality that still reacts and feels like a child." We all have a kid within to tend to. It’s not those who have experienced major childhood traumas alone who can benefit from kid within work; even seemingly small things like comments made by your family or your classmates and feeling misunderstood as a kid are things you can spend time to work through and heal. It adds to your well-being as an adult, but also ensures your inner child feels safe to move away from the past.
As awareness of the concept of the kid within has grown, people from all walks of life have commented on it. Some of these kid within quotes can be quite funny and as playful as a happy kid within. Others are sarcastic, deflecting the pain their inner child still feels. Some of the best quotes about the inner child remind us why it's an important part of us. Here are a few quotes to consider:
So, what is this kid within that everyone's talking about? How can you have a kid inside of you when you're a grown adult who doesn’t have the hours in the day to spend time in creative play? Does it mean that you haven't grown up? Before you can do kid within work, you need to understand clearly what your kid within is.
As you read the definition of the kid within, you may wonder whether your kid within is real or just a psychological concept or theory. Certainly, there's not a physical kid inside of you (unless you're pregnant).
What you need to remember is that, although no one can see physical traces of your child within, it is nonetheless real. We change as we grow, but our minds and bodies still carry memories — and sometimes, feelings and patterns, too — from the past that impact if we feel safe. It is directly connected to our deepest memories and emotions. The kid within and the past/memories they carry with them can sometimes be what’s at the root of how we feel as an adult and can impact relationships, life milestones, and even your connection with your parents as an adult.
Childhood trauma, and trauma as a whole, can take many different forms. Some examples of trauma that may affect youth include (but aren’t by any means limited to):
*Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) if you or someone you know is experiencing or witnessing abuse.
**If you or someone you care about is or might be living with a substance use disorder, please call SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-(800)662-4357.
When we tend to our inner child, we may also address inner concerns like feeling unheard or unseen, feeling like we do not fit in, feelings of inadequacy, and feeling as though our feelings don’t matter or won’t be tended to, and so on.Remember, memories of trauma may disappear in some cases, due to how it impacts the brain in the healing process. You may lose your sense of self in relation to your past or feel that you are disconnected from your inner child’s experiences and emotions. You may wonder how to find support for this. Trained mental health professionals are available to offer support in soothing childhood fears, helping you learn more about your child self, and assisting you in treatment that focuses on your inner child’s needs and fear in the present day. They can even help plan creative activities during inner child therapy that offer support in expressive arts and have been medically reviewed to work.
Identifying what we experienced as a child that continues to impact us is often the first step to healing the past. If you were told not to express emotion as a child, you may have learned to hold it inside. Children need support learning about emotions, and will react in the way that is safest, due to fear. Though it’s only one possible example, emotional repression can hurt you mentally and physically, so it is important to address it and be present for yourself. Lower-level traumas or negative feelings and experiences with a lasting impact are common with children; so being even the healthiest child doesn't mean you won't need to do inner child work at some point. Having this awareness is essential to your child self and well-being in the present day. Furthermore, if no one names and tends to the matter when you're still a child, serious effects can take place and stick around. Some common themes in adulthood that people address or discuss when they do inner child work include:
With all of this in mind, it’s no surprise that inner child work can help you lead a healthier, happier, and more confident adult life. It can help you take your power back from adverse childhood experiences and be the person you want to be. A healthy inner child can make all the difference in your sense of self.
Why is inner child work so important, and how do you use it to heal? Firstly, children are extremely sensitive to emotions and environmental factors and trauma. If services and resources are not available to them as a child, childhood fears can take over. This has been medically reviewed time and time again. Your inner child is extremely sensitive, and it takes great awareness to turn towards them and their emotions.
Most likely, if you’re drawn to inner child work, you might notice patterns in yourself or your life, such as those outlined above, that you’d like to change. For example, someone with an insecure attachment style might worry that, if they get close to someone, that person will leave. Feelings of inadequacy from childhood might stop you from pursuing hobbies, work, or relationships you want to pursue. Not having an opportunity to address your feelings as a kid could mean that you hold them in, take them out on yourself, or aren’t sure how to regulate and validate them healthily.
How does it all work? Well, suppose a kid is in pain, and no one tends to the kid or helps in the way that they need to be cared for. How does the dependent person feel about the self with their needs unmet? Wouldn't they continue to feel pain until the wound was healed? This is how your inner child feels — their needs have not been met. But inner child work and healing and child archetype work allow you to meet those needs now, which can help you change maladaptive behaviors and feel better. The first step is to acknowledge that your inner child is still there. They exist inside of you, and they deserve to be taken care of.
Whether you start the process on your own or with an established therapist, here are some steps you may find advantageous when healing your inner child:
Understand Your Pain
For some, childhood pain, patterns, and responses come from an identifiable source. For example, if you know you experienced abuse as a child, you can identify that as a source of pain for your child self. For others, however, the source might be less clear-cut; a series of microtraumas might’ve led you to develop some patterns and feelings you now have as an adult, and these may very well impact your daily life and relationships.
People in both situations can benefit from identifying the source, validating themselves, and understanding how these experiences affected them. Seeing a therapist can help individuals to validate what they went through. And, in any case, a strong therapeutic fit is something a person can benefit from. They can even give you tools to continue the work between sessions. Some of these include using guided imagery, art therapy, writing poetry, watching television shows, and journaling; though these are just some examples and are by no means the only tools that might be used.
Regardless of what caused your childhood pain (no matter how “big” or “small”), your kid within is likely still feeling the effects. Your needs may not have been met in the past. Perhaps, someone important to you failed to show compassion for you, either by not being available when you needed them most, by not giving you the love and nurturing you need or by inflicting pain on you directly. This can affect your kid within and your outward adult self.
Since that time is long gone, and you're now an adult, it's up to you to show your kid self the compassion you needed as a child. One way to tune into this compassion and heal these wounds to your emotions is to imagine the event or situation from the kid within's viewpoint. Even if it makes sense now that, say, a parent didn’t have the time or energy to see that you had an unmet need, the fact is that your inner child can still feel the impact of the unmet need.
Perhaps members of your family loved you deeply and showed it often. Even so, a traumatic event might have made you doubt their love for you when you were a child or caused self-doubt. On the other hand, if your caregivers and other important people rarely showed their care for you, or if they met tangible needs but were emotionally distant, you may have grown up feeling unheard, unloved, and perhaps, unlovable.
How do you learn to love your inner child? As you identify your childhood needs — including emotional needs, social needs, boundaries, the need to rest, and so on — and meet them, you will likely start to see the results of this self-care. Sometimes, it’s hard to see our needs as valid and give ourselves the love and compassion we deserve. If that’s true for you, a therapist may be able to help you through the childhood trauma healing process.
Playing like you did when you were a child can help you feel more connected with your inner child. It can also encourage healing. Try playing some of the same games and doing the same activities that you enjoyed when you were young. Alternatively, do the things you wish you could’ve done as a child, or engage in activities that exist solely for enjoyment now. It’s okay to do things just because they are fun, and it can be healing to do so.
Take Responsibility for Healing Your Inner Child
A key component of healing your inner child is to take responsibility for healing. You won’t always be able to get an apology from those involved in your childhood experiences or trauma. They may not be able to help now, and even if they can, they may not be willing to help. Regardless, you still deserve to heal. You might not be able to get closure from others, but you can take responsibility for your healing. Seeing a therapist can be very helpful in processing and working through things like a lack of closure from those in your life.
A kid not only needs to be loved, protected, and to have their needs met, but they also need to be taught how to live successfully in the world with boundaries, confidence, and a sense of self. Your inner child needs the same thing. Re-parenting can help you heal in a major way and give you, again, what you needed but didn’t have as a child. Communication with your kid within, whether you speak it out loud, in your thoughts, while journaling, or through other means, can be advantageous in this process. This looks like getting in touch with yourself and asking, “Hey, what do you need?” or “It seems like you’re hurting; what can I do to help?” the way you might ask a kid in real life. Then, proceed to attend to those needs. If it’s a hug, hug yourself. If it’s validation, validate yourself.
When it comes to childhood trauma, re-parenting, and general inner child work, it’s important to remember that it’s a process. This process has been medically reviewed and studied for years, and therapists know that it can take time. However, it is 100% possible. A childhood therapist or counselor, whether they practice in person or online, can help you meet your goals and improve your inner child and quality of life.
Healing Your Inner Child
Signing up for an online platform like BetterHelp is a fast, convenient way to find a therapist to work with now. Take a brief questionnaire, and you’ll be matched with a licensed, experienced provider. With BetterHelp, you can stop services or change providers at any time, and financial aid may be available for those who need it. Read below for some BetterHelp counselor reviews from people who sought help for similar concerns.
Regardless of what you’re going through, a therapist or counselor can support you along the way. Take the first step today. Heal your inner child with a trained mental health counselor.
Other Commonly Asked Questions: