What Are Fantasies, And How Can They Be Incorporated Into Your Sex Life?

Some people, possibly due to their upbringing or personalities, may hesitate to indulge their sexual fantasies. Some parts of society shame sexual fantasies, and some people may find it challenging to share what they enjoy in the bedroom–even with long-term romantic partners.

It can be helpful to look at what sexual fantasies are, as well as some of the most common ones. By exploring this topic in further detail, you may learn more about how to incorporate fantasies into your sex life and how to be more open and honest about your fantasies with your partners.  

What are common sexual fantasies?

Early psychology may have been slightly hostile toward sexual fantasy. Sigmund Freud, one of the fathers of modern psychology, once said, “Happy people don’t fantasize, just the unhappy.” Sexual topics may sometimes be seen as “taboo,” and not all therapists specialize in this area of mental health. 

In the 1940s, Harvard zoologist Alfred Kinsey began to study human sexuality and publish his findings. The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction continues research to this day and has done a significant amount of work destigmatizing sexual desires and behaviors.  

A 2019 review of major scientific studies in the area of sexual fantasies published some of the most common sexual fantasies, including the following:

• Rough sex, submission, or domination (BDSM)
• Group sex
• Observing other people having sex
• Sexual intercourse with a stranger
• Sex with two or more partners
• Partner swapping
• Sexual adventure, such as public sex or sex in unconventional places

Some people may imagine sexual scenarios they may not ever indulge in in real life. For example, they might think about taboo fantasies such as forced sex or illegal acts. Deviant fantasies may not develop into criminal acts. Still, those who indulge in these types of fantasies may choose to work with a therapist to redirect their fantasies into healthier channels to avoid guilt or self-disgust.

Fantasies vs. reality

The same review that examined the most common sexual fantasies also explored the purpose of sexual fantasies. Gaining sexual release, boosting self-esteem, retaining certain emotions, or substituting real sexual behavior are four common purposes of fantasies. Researchers also published the hypothesis of American psychologist Donn Byrne, stating four primary functions of such fantasies:

• Acquiring knowledge for future sexual encounters
• Expanding the borders of sexual satisfaction, offering novel nuances, and enriching the repertoire of sexual behavior
• Behaving as an inciting event for sexual behavior
• Offering experiences that may not be available physically

Sexual fantasies can be a way to share yourself with your partner and offer ideas that can be incorporated into sex play. However, fantasies don’t necessarily mean that you want to swap partners or have sex with a stranger. It may mean that you role-play meeting your partner in public and pretending to be strangers or having sex in a unique place.

Some partners may indulge in costume play or engage in BDSM. There can sometimes be an overlap between sexual fantasy and real life as long as both partners are informed and agree on the parameters. However, there are also instances in which fantasy does not live up to reality. For example, a couple may partner swap and decide that it isn’t for them. Contrarily, the idea of BDSM might be tempting, but in actual practice, it proves unfulfilling. 

Sexual fantasy may also remain a fantasy. Whether indulged solely in the mind while masturbating or viewed through pornography while having intercourse with a partner or partners, fantasy can remain a mental tool. Sexual fantasy can also be used to spice up your sex life in a way that is safe and free. 

Sex therapy 

For those who are experiencing unfulfillment in their sex life or have difficulty communicating openly and honestly about sexual desire or sex fantasies with their partner, sex therapy may be beneficial. Licensed sex therapists are trained to listen and guide in a nonjudgmental way, offering advice and strategies to improve sexual intimacy and sexual relationships. 

Sex therapists may also help clients manage functional challenges. For individuals with physical limitations that make sexual encounters challenging, sex therapists can often offer frank advice and techniques. Sex therapy doesn’t involve any sex or physical touch with the therapist, nor does it involve sex during the session. Instead, a sex therapist offers tools you can use at home to explore your fantasies in further depth or to become more comfortable with your sexuality, whether in a relationship or on your own. 

Alternative support options

Those who seek sex therapy may sometimes experience difficulty finding a licensed therapist in their area. Others may not be comfortable discussing sex openly and, thus, avoid making an appointment with a therapist. If you are looking to talk to a therapist but find that these challenges get in your way, online therapy may be an effective solution. 

Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and ReGain for couples can match you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs, preferences and location by completing a quick online questionnaire. If you aren’t 100% comfortable with your therapist, you may be able to change at any time without additional cost. 

You can often meet with your therapist over video conferencing, personal messages, or the phone from your home. Study after study has shown the effectiveness of online therapy, as well. For example, a recent study showed improved sexual functioning in women who completed internet-based psychological treatment.

Takeaway

Sexual fantasy can be a regular part of the human experience for many people. These fantasies can enhance your relationships or sexual encounters if indulged in healthy and safe ways. However, if you find it challenging to indulge in, share, or feel positively about your sexual fantasies, sex therapy may help you form a healthier relationship with all sexual and intimate topics you’d like to discuss. Consider contacting a therapist online or in your area to get started.