In many cases, your early childhood experiences with your caregivers can influence the attachment style you develop. There are generally four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. A disorganized attachment style can develop when a child relies on support from a caregiver who’s also a source of fear. In adulthood, this type of attachment style can look like desiring connection but being uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. It can be possible to heal a disorganized attachment style through therapy, particularly attachment therapy, which can be completed in person or online.
What Is An Attachment Style?
According to the attachment theory first proposed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1940s, human beings likely developed the capacity and need for emotional attachments as an evolutionary response to ensure the survival of the species. This initial theory has since been refined and evolved to better describe how people form patterns for emotional attachment. Bowlby and psychologist Mary Salter Ainsworth developed four attachment styles to classify the characteristics.
People with this attachment style usually received responsive care and emotional warmth as children. Reliable support and care generally help these children grow into adults with a positive view of themselves and others. People with a secure attachment style can often depend on others to love and support them while providing the same treatment in return.
Preoccupied (Anxious) Attachment
Children who receive inconsistent care and support from parents or guardians often experience alternating emotional distance and loving warmth. They may see themselves as unworthy of love and support, a burden, or incompetent, while trusting others to be capable and supportive.
Dismissive (Avoidant) Attachment
Parents or caregivers likely emphasized independence as a positive character trait during childhood, potentially leading those with this attachment style to rely on themselves frequently. They may have trouble trusting others, as they usually have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of other people. Their outlook may frame them as capable and worthy of love, but they often can't trust others to reciprocate.
Fearful (Disorganized) Attachment
Children raised with caregivers who fail to meet their emotional and physical needs often develop a disorganized attachment style. Experiencing indifference, fear, trauma, abuse*, neglect, or harsh criticism can make giving or receiving love and support complex. Those with this attachment style may see themselves as incapable of being emotionally vulnerable and unable to trust others.
*If you or a loved one is witnessing or experiencing any form of abuse, please know that help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
What Does Disorganized Attachment Look Like?
When a child relies on physical and emotional support from a caregiver who is also a source of fear or distress, they may develop a disorganized attachment style.
Disorganized attachment styles are often seen in people who experience abuse, neglect, or trauma at the hands of a parent or guardian during childhood. The abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Below are several signs that you may have a disorganized attachment style:
- You may experience mixed feelings about close relationships and not know how to relate to people.
- You feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy yet desire close emotional relationships.
- Your viewpoint of yourself and your partner may be harmful.
- It may be challenging to trust your partner's intentions or that they will love and support you when you need them.
- Though you seek emotional connections, you may often deny or suppress your feelings.
- You are likely uncomfortable expressing affection.
- Repetitive behaviors, floods of emotion, rigidity, and freezing may be common experiences.
- You will likely feel uncomfortable when developing closeness with others and intentionally distance yourself.
How Disorganized Attachment Can Affect Personality
Many people with disorganized attachment styles develop extreme social and emotional insecurity, which can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships as an adult. Disorganized attachment also frequently involves poor coping skills, difficulty controlling emotions, a tendency toward anger or violence, and contradictory behavior and mental states.
Disorganized Attachment In Children
Disorganized attachment in children may present as a lack of coping skills to manage stress, difficulty controlling emotions and controlling negative feelings, oppositional behavior, low self-esteem, poor social skills, an increased likelihood of developing anxiety and depressive disorders, and a greater chance of trauma-related conditions.
Children who experience abuse or neglect during childhood may develop reactive attachment disorder (RAD), which can present as extreme anxiety or abnormal social behavior.
Attachment Disorder Symptoms
- Trouble managing emotional reactions
- Difficulty or inability to trust others
- Low self-esteem
- Issues with anger or violence
- An overwhelming need to be in control
- Inappropriate social behavior
- Aversion to being touched
- Lack of guilt or remorse after misbehavior
Overcoming Symptoms Of An Unhealthy Attachment Style
Maintaining healthy, functional relationships as an adult can be challenging when you experience symptoms of an unhealthy attachment style. While it can be difficult to change your attachment style, you can relearn behaviors with the support and guidance of a licensed mental health professional. It can be helpful to examine your childhood experiences with your therapist, exploring how they may affect your behavior and the way you think.
Healing A Disorganized Attachment Style
While it can be hard to heal from the past trauma that likely caused a disorganized attachment style, it can be possible to process your feelings and move forward with your life. You can “rewire” your brain and relearn how to relate to, trust, and feel safe with others.
Attachment therapy usually centers on the interactions between children and their parents or childhood caregivers. Many children and adults can benefit from attachment-based family therapy to work through past issues and build healthier family dynamics.
“Attachment-based therapy is an approach to therapy that specifically targets those thoughts, feelings, communications, behaviors, and interpersonal exchanges that patients have learned either to suppress and avoid or to amplify and overemphasize because of early attachment experiences,” said Peter C. Costello, Ph.D., author of Attachment-Based Psychotherapy in Practice.
What To Expect From Attachment Therapy
Therapy is usually a process, so one or two sessions aren't likely to provide much relief because it can take time to build up enough trust with your therapist to address the traumatic experiences that may have caused disorganized attachment.
Attachment Therapy Activities
For Children, Adolescents, and Families
- Daily role-playing to find healthy ways to manage conflict
- Learning and practicing effective communication methods
- Healing damaged family relationships and repairing emotional attachments
- Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-Up (ABC approach)
- Actively working to create realistic expectations, clear family roles, and healthy family narratives
- Practicing unconditional self-compassion
- Learning healthy, practical ways to communicate and resolve conflicts
- Building trust with your therapist to improve emotional intelligence and literacy, facilitating open communication about your feelings
- Adult attachment interviews, attachment style quizzes, or psychological surveys
- Psychoeducation to learn about attachment styles and how they can affect you
- Building insight into thoughts, feelings, and behaviors while raising your tolerance for stressful situations and emotional intimacy
Reach Out For Help
Disorganized attachment can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships with the people in your life. If you consistently have trouble building positive, functional connections with others, consider speaking to your doctor or healthcare provider to discuss treatment options to help you heal and move forward.
Benefits Of Online Therapy
If you're an adult living with a disorganized attachment style that negatively affects your relationships and overall well-being, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp. Therapy can help you address past trauma and find practical, healthy healing methods that empower you to overcome the emotional obstacles that can make it hard to maintain positive relationships. Completing therapy online can make it simple and convenient to attend sessions at times that work for your schedule.
Effectiveness Of Online Therapy
According to recent studies, online attachment-based therapy can be as effective as in-person treatments. For many patients, the extra distance allowed by online treatment can make discussing personal information with their therapist easier. Attachment therapy typically delves into your past experiences and family connections while you build a trusting relationship with your therapist. Treatment may then shift its focus toward teaching effective methods to explore and communicate your feelings.
"Dr. Baggs has been very helpful in helping me deal with anxiety, and I've been overall satisfied with the experience. She's helped me work through and understand trauma from my childhood, as well as help me realize I'm on the right path to getting help and improving my life. Overall a very good experience."
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How do you love someone with disorganized attachment?
Dating someone with a disorganized attachment style can be hard, but it may not be impossible. Strategies that may be helpful in romantic relationships where one partner has a disorganized attachment style include:
- Educating yourself on attachment styles
- Practicing open, honest communication
- Setting healthy boundaries
- Encouraging your partner to seek treatment for unresolved trauma (without putting pressure on them)
- Letting your partner open up at their own pace
- Practicing self-care
If a disorganized attachment style is causing challenges in your relationship, couples counseling may also be an option worth considering.
Do narcissists have a disorganized attachment style?
Disorganized attachment in childhood does not always lead to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). That said, disorganized adults may be at a higher risk of personality disorders like NPD.
What is disorganized attachment called in adults?
Disorganized attachment can be found in people of all ages. It is sometimes referred to as “fearful-avoidant attachment.”
What parenting causes disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment is often due to childhood mistreatment by a parent or primary attachment figure. This may include physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. It can also include neglect of a child’s physical or emotional needs. This can make it confusing and scary for them to seek support from their caregiver. It can also lead to mistrust of others and feelings of helplessness.
Why is disorganized attachment the worst?
Each insecure attachment style can come with its own challenges. That said, disorganized attachment is sometimes considered the most difficult attachment style. This may be due to how it can affect the ways people relate to others.
If you have a disorganized attachment style, you may have learned to fear the people you’re closest to. This can make it hard to trust and develop relationships with others, even when you want to. You might have trouble managing your own emotions or be afraid to reach out for support when you need it. This can make work and relationships difficult and contribute to other mental illnesses.
That said, with treatment and support, it may be possible to manage and reduce the effects of disorganized attachment.
How rare is disorganized attachment?
There are two broad types of attachment: secure and insecure. Secure attachment is a healthy attachment style that develops when a person’s needs are met during childhood. It is thought to be the most common attachment style.
There are also three insecure attachment styles, which include:
- Anxious: The anxious attachment style tends to involve low self-esteem and fear of abandonment. It often develops due to unpredictable levels of support from childhood caregivers.
- Avoidant: People with an avoidant attachment style may distance themselves emotionally from others or have trouble forming intimate relationships. This attachment style tends to develop when a child’s caregivers do not meet their emotional needs or discourage them from showing emotion.
- Disorganized: Disorganized attachment can make people want meaningful relationships while also being uncomfortable with intimacy. This attachment style often develops due to childhood trauma or mistreatment.
Of these four attachment styles, disorganized attachment is thought to be the rarest.
Is disorganized attachment borderline personality disorder?
Disorganized attachment and borderline personality disorder (BPD) are two different things.
Disorganized attachment describes a way that someone may learn to relate to others. People with a disorganized attachment style may have trouble connecting with others or have conflicted feelings about intimacy and relationships.
BPD is a mental illness that can cause mood swings, unstable relationships, self-destructive behavior, and extreme anger. Although BPD and disorganized attachment are not the same thing, people with BPD may be more likely to have a disorganized attachment style.
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