How Controlling Behavior Can Affect Relationships
Individuals often seek relationships as a source of comfort and solace. However, circumstances might turn toxic if one partner exhibits controlling behavior over the other. Defining and recognizing controlling behavior and how therapy can teach effective, practical ways to communicate with your partner and cope with emotional reactions can be valuable. People may use power and control in relationships for various reasons, but it can be essential to avoid harming a partner with these behaviors.
What is controlling behavior?
Controlling behavior may involve the words and actions of a person who expects, requires, or coerces others to cater to their standards, whims, and needs—often at the other person's psychological or physical expense. Controlling behaviors may be unhealthy and self-serving, damaging the trust and respect between partners in a romantic relationship.
According to a 2011 study, controlling behavior is often more common than physical or sexual violence, though it can be equally disturbing and often is a precursor to increasingly abusive behavior.
"Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner's lives, often either because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them." — National Domestic Violence Hotline
Recognizing controlling behaviors
While the circumstances can vary from person to person, the mental health community has established several characteristics of controlling behavior that may serve as warning signs of a power imbalance in the relationship. Below are a few of these signs:
- You are blamed for everything, including minor issues you had no connection to
- Your partner frequently criticizes you in public to undermine your confidence
- Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family
- Your partner keeps score of conflicts in the relationship
- They create drama or consistently shift attention to themselves
- Your partner sabotages your other close relationships to gain more control over you
- Your partner uses intimidation to get their way
- They refuse to take no for an answer or respect your boundaries
- They are frequently jealous and try to control your clothing, way of speaking, friendships, and actions
- They use gaslighting, manipulative behavior designed to make you second-guess yourself
- They routinely make decisions for you
- They use being overprotective as an excuse to control your behavior
- They have drastic mood swings and contradictory behavior
Who is at risk for controlling behavior in a relationship?
Romantic relationships aren't the only place people try to exert control over others. Some may develop toxic, controlling relationships with friends, family members, coworkers, or partners. Those who are kind and people-pleasing or put others' needs first might be at higher risk of being manipulated by a partner's controlling behavior. The control can often be subtle, so you may not realize it once you are committed to the relationship.
Why do some people try to control their partners?
According to a 2021 study, exerting control over yourself and your environment has physical and psychological benefits. Control is considered necessary for overall health and well-being, making it even more damaging when someone you love tries to take it from you. If someone feels out of control of their own behaviors and environment, they may try to control others to regain this sense of power.
While each person may have unique reasons for supporting an uneven power balance in a relationship, researchers have identified several characteristics common to people with controlling personality types or traits, such as low self-esteem, experiencing similar control in their past, the desire to feel superior to someone else, past traumatic experiences, or other desires to feel in control of their environment.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Below are a few of these signs:
- Low self-esteem
- High anxiety levels
- A desire to have order
- Enjoyment from a sense of power
- The belief that their needs and wants should come first
- Disregard for the effects of their behavior on others
- A past of witnessing such behavior during childhood
- Mental health conditions like borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), bipolar disorder, and other conditions with a desire for control as a symptom.
Types of controlling behaviors
People with controlling personalities often use multiple methods to manipulate others, including but not limited to the following.
Psychological manipulation
Mental and emotional manipulation can take many forms. It may be intended to alter a person's perception so that they accept the version presented as reality or be less likely to question the controlling behaviors.
Physical control, abuse, or intimidation
Intimidation, threats, or physical abuse are often used to control people in a relationship. It may start small, with restrictions on what you can wear or who you can see, but these behaviors can escalate, including when you try to set boundaries. Physical abuse can be dangerous to your mental and physical health, so seeking help is essential. The hotline at the top of the article can be used to receive resources and support.
Financial control
A partner may control you financially by making you dependent on them to survive, such as not allowing you to work, controlling the flow of finances, making all financial decisions in the relationship, or refusing to work and putting all the financial responsibilities on you.
What controlling behavior does to a relationship
"Controlling behaviors are often hard to distinguish from the normal experience of being in a relationship. If you suspect your partner is controlling, look for clues in how your partner's behavior affects you." — Amy Lewis Bear, MS, LPC
Controlling behavior can adversely affect a relationship in various ways. If you frequently disregard your feelings and needs in favor of your partner, you may have an imbalanced power dynamic in your relationship. This dynamic has the potential to cause misunderstandings and conflict and is one example of how behavior impacts relationships.
Increasing cycles of seeking approval and punishment
As time progresses and controlling behaviors continue, you may notice that your partner shows their restricting tendencies more often, "punishing" you for real or imagined missteps. You may feel that you constantly run in circles to earn their approval. It can be exhausting trying to meet their exact expectations.
Toxic patterns
Controlling behaviors can contribute to a toxic relationship that makes you feel misunderstood, unsupported, attacked, or demeaned, threatening your mental and emotional well-being or physical health.
Lowered self-confidence
If your partner uses negativity as a control method, you may notice that your self-confidence decreases over time.
Damaged emotional intimacy
If your partner doesn't communicate effectively and most of your concerns go unanswered, it can harm the emotional connection in your relationship. As issues in the relationship occupy more and more of your mind, you might struggle to be present with others, and your bond with friends and family may falter.
How to find long-term support
Speaking with a licensed therapist may help you identify unhealthy behaviors in yourself and your partner, helping you develop positive, practical ways to navigate relationships.
If you struggle to manage your emotional reactions to controlling behavior from a partner, consider working with a licensed therapist online. Virtual therapy platforms like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples offer the support and guidance of a mental health professional from home. You may learn positive, practical coping skills, build self-confidence and emotional literacy, cultivate healthy communication, and establish safe boundaries with the help of a qualified therapist. Fitting therapy into a busy schedule may be possible with flexible appointment options like phone calls, video calls, or online chat.
According to the American Psychological Association, individuals see similar results with online therapy and in-person treatments. Some clients without therapy experience may show increased results. Teletherapy can be less expensive, has shorter wait times, and offers people who previously didn't have treatment options. Many study participants found the additional distance between them and the therapist made saying personal details easier, and the unmatched convenience of attending from home made it possible to participate in sessions more reliably.
Takeaway
What are the behaviors of a controlling person?
According to Forbes, the behaviors of a controlling person may include telling others whom to spend time with, telling them how to dress, insisting on choice of restaurant, and gaslighting, which tends to involve making another person question themselves. A controlling person may manipulate another person and then make them believe they are in the wrong.
How do you shut down a controlling person?
Stopping a controlling person can be challenging, as their behaviors may have been fine-tuned over the course of many years. However, there are strategies that may help keep you from being controlled. This process may involve asserting yourself and remaining firm in your decisions. In extreme cases, a person may assert power through emotional abuse or even physical aggression. If you are experiencing intimate partner violence or abuse of any kind, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800.799.SAFE (7233). Preventing intimate partner violence may be challenging if you’re trying to do it on your own. A person may feel guilty for verbal or physical abuse but have difficulty changing their patterns. There is help available for those in an abusive relationship, regardless of whether the abuse if physical, verbal, or financial.
What personality is very controlling?
Controlling behaviors can be manifested by people of several personality types, but some researchers believe that these behaviors are more common among people with a type C personality. People with a type C personality tend to be detail-oriented and like to do things their way. Some people with certain personality disorders may also exhibit controlling behaviors, but there isn’t necessarily one specific controlling personality disorder.
How do you help someone with control issues?
If you have a controlling partner, it may be difficult to approach the subject. They may not realize that they are being controlling at times. You might find a good time to sit down and mention some of your concerns, knowing that they may not be aware of them. If they are open to improving, you might consider signing up for a few couples therapy sessions. If they feel uncomfortable with in-person therapy, you might suggest online therapy, whether for individuals or couples. A therapist may be able to help them by conducting a socio-psychological analysis, providing information on the possible causes of controlling behavior, and providing a few tips on managing their behavior while also looking after their own needs.
What upsets a control freak?
Things that upset someone with controlling behavior may include asserting yourself and your preferences or doing something that throws them off their routine. They may be used to making most decisions, so restating your preference in a given situation may frustrate them.
What triggers controlling behavior?
Controlling behavior may be learned in some cases. A person may have seen controlling behavior modeled by a parent or guardian. In other cases, a person may experience anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder, which may drive controlling behavior in some cases.
Do controlling people realize they are controlling?
Some people may not realize they are engaging in controlling behavior at times. They may become more aware of their tendencies through mindfulness, meditation, and cognitive behavioral therapy, which may help them learn more about healthy relationships.
How do you outsmart a control freak?
It can be difficult to outsmart a person who is controlling. They may have been using strategies to control others for many years. It may help to practice strategies to not lose emotional control during conflict. You can try to calmly restate your goals and preferences, knowing that they may not be used to people standing up to them. You can tell them that you’re open to working with them but that your preferences remain the same.
How can you tell if someone is a control freak?
A person with controlling behavior may demonstrate the need to make decisions in a way that serves their own interests. In a controlling relationship, these could be minor decisions, such as what movie to see or what to have for dinner.
What is one example of controlling behavior?
One example of controlling behavior might be someone telling you not to rearrange furniture at home or work without their permission. They may also insist on finishing projects because things have to be done their way.
- Previous Article
- Next Article