Marriage Counseling: How Couples Can Address Infidelity

Adultery and infidelity are complex challenges that can occur in a marriage or relationship. According to studies, 100% of couples value trust in a relationship, yet 50% of all couples experience infidelity. 

If you’re in a situation involving adultery, these statistics show that you're not alone. There may be hope in healing a relationship based on trust, intimacy, and connection. In some cases, couples find marriage therapy effective in overcoming the challenges adultery presents and fostering healthier relationships. 

What is the official definition of adultery? 

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), adultery is a consensual emotional or sexual relationship between a married person and another individual who is not their spouse. In many US states, adultery is illegal and may constitute grounds for divorce. 

Adultery may differ from infidelity, which is the act of "cheating" on a partner. Infidelity can be defined with many definitions. Still, many define it as a sexual experience or emotional involvement with a person who is not one's partner or spouse. Some people define infidelity as a betrayal of the rules agreed to between partners in a committed relationship. These rules might be related to how much physical or emotional affection (e.g., flirting, casual touch, etc.) is acceptable with others outside of the relationship. While many people view adultery as being physical in nature, emotional affairs can lead to serious relationship challenges as well.  

Infidelity might include an emotional affair, a sexual affair, or a one-time encounter. These indiscretions can have significant mental health impacts on a spouse. Affairs happen for various reasons, and affair recovery can be challenging. Going forward, a healthy relationship may depend on both partners’ desire for the recovery process. If one partner is unwilling to participate, it may signify the end of the relationship. 

How couples might proceed after infidelity

There are a few options couples and individuals have after adultery occurs. If you’ve cheated or been cheated on, you may be weighing your options for how to proceed. Below are a few considerations to note:

Divorce

Divorce is an option when adultery occurs during a marriage. Some spouses may feel they cannot forgive their partner or move forward knowing what occurred. In some cases, a couple decides to part ways because one partner has had multiple affairs or even other relationships. However, even a one-time betrayal can significantly erode trust throughout the relationship. 

Depending on your state, adultery may be grounds for divorce. In a divorce proceeding based on adultery, the case is often considered "fault-based". The spouse filing for divorce may be required to submit proof that adultery occurred. Additionally, adultery is illegal in many states. Pursuing legal action may lead to fines or prosecution. Consider reaching out to an attorney for further guidance. 

Divorce based on adultery may also involve different laws surrounding alimony. For instance, the individual who committed the betrayal may be restricted from receiving alimony from their spouse. In addition, the judge may rule in favor of the spouse impacted by the act, offering them a more significant percentage of marital assets. 

Separate 

Some couples may decide to separate to process adultery. If the betrayed partner needs time to consider their decision, they may file for legal separation, which differs from divorce. In this case, the married couple lives apart and leads separate lives. If one partner wants to separate and the other wants to remain together, the couple may still be able to file for separation. At some point, a couple may decide to terminate the separation to live together again or file for a complete divorce, depending on the results of their separation. 

Consider adultery counseling 

Not every married couple wants to divorce or separate after cheating. Many people in committed relationships choose to move forward together after infidelity. If you feel betrayed by your spouse but still love them and want to repair the relationship, adultery counseling might benefit you.  

Adultery counseling is a type of therapy focused on helping couples meet their goals after adultery has occurred. Infidelity therapists typically have experience conducting marriage and family therapy with the specific goal of treating infidelity-related concerns. Goals might include rekindling romantic and sexual intimacy, rebuilding trust, or coming to an agreement about the state of the relationship. You may also decide to discuss the topic of divorce or separation in counseling. 

Therapists can use various treatment modalities to support couples through these experiences, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). This form of therapy examines thought patterns and relationship beliefs as well as the behaviors of each partner to determine how their goals can be met. Discussing topics like adultery with a stranger can be difficult, so couples might benefit from consulting with a few qualified marriage and family therapists before choosing one they connect with. 

How does infidelity counseling help married couples? 

Whether you're considering divorce, separation, or repairing your relationship, couples counseling through a marriage and family psychology professional might benefit you. Below are several potential advantages you may gain from speaking to a therapist. 

Speaking with a neutral party 

Although speaking to a stranger about your marriage might initially seem strange, discussing these topics with a licensed marriage and family therapist could be valuable. Since the counselor has no prior knowledge of your relationship, they can offer unbiased support. This reduces the chances of them "taking sides," which could occur when talking to a friend or family member. 

A counselor can help both the individual impacted and the person who committed adultery speak about their feelings, thoughts, and goals for the relationship. Instead of blaming one person, the therapy session can be a comprehensive and collaborative experience that examines the marriage as a whole. An experienced marriage and family therapist can also help one or both impacted individuals address more severe mental health concerns such as post-traumatic stress.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Learning skills for building intimacy

These exercises might involve: 

• Prolonged eye contact
• Active listening 
• Listing positive attributes about each other
• Taking a love language quiz
• Hugging
• Talking about favorite memories together
• Expressing emotional pain together (e.g., crying together) 
• Learning a new skill together
• Learning to properly apologize for mistakes
• Discussing goals and desires for the future

Techniques for repairing damage

One spouse in the marriage may feel slighted and want to attend therapy to receive an apology or see their partner attempt to repair their connection. If both parties are willing, therapy may effectively repair the damage done after infidelity and rebuild trust. One-way spouses can work toward this is by learning to give and accept apologies. The unfaithful partner might commit to offering a sincere apology to the other partner through the following steps: 

1. Avoid asking for a favor during your apology.

2. Apologize once instead of multiple times.

3. Apologize because you know you made a mistake, not because you want your spouse to forget what happened. 

4. Don't offer grand romantic gestures during your apology, as it could take away from the apology itself.

5. Be understanding if your partner doesn't accept your apology at first. 

6. Ask how you can repair your relationship, if necessary.

7. Give your spouse space to consider your words.

8. Don't accuse or blame your spouse for your actions, even if they also made mistakes throughout your relationship. 

9. Don't ask for an apology from them while you're apologizing.  

It can take time for forgiveness to occur, and it's up to both parties to decide how to repair their relationship during the long term. However, starting with an apology and asking your spouse, "What can I do to fix this?" may be a beneficial first step. A therapist can guide you through this conversation and mediate if arguments arise. 

Exercises for rebuilding trust

Rebuilding trust may be one of the most challenging skills for couples who have experienced infidelity. It may take willingness from the person impacted to try to forgive and move forward while understanding their experience is still valid. 

Extra-marital affairs can produce intense emotions for both partners in committed relationships. If you choose to remain in a relationship after infidelity, feeling your feelings and expressing them to your partner can be healthy. However, holding a long-term grudge, refusing to move forward, openly criticizing them on social media, or bringing up infidelity during every disagreement may be unhealthy and further damage the relationship. 

A therapist can help couples rebuild their relationship and trust through exercises like couples worksheets, guided conversations, and at-home activities. The partner who committed adultery may also agree to make compromises and work with their partner to encourage trust. For example, they may let their partner read messages on their devices for transparency or commit to individual therapy to work on certain challenges. 

An understanding of the underlying causes

Infidelity does not often occur for "no reason". Although cheating on a spouse may not be healthy, there could be a motivating factor. If you have cheated on your spouse, your therapist may ask you if the following has been occurring: 

• A desire for non-monogamy or a different relationship structure

• Miscommunication about boundaries

• A lack of intimacy 

• Frequent arguments 

• A loss of love 

• Parenting challenges 

• Attachment concerns

• Sex addiction

• Relationship challenges

• Low self-esteem 

Many factors can contribute to physical or emotional infidelity. An adultery therapist can help you and your spouse explore your relationship history, identify potential concerns, and address them with healthier coping mechanisms. For example, if infidelity occurred because of sexual addiction, addressing this concern could facilitate healing for both the partner experiencing sex addiction and the injured partner. 

Is infidelity my fault? Coping with being cheated on

Some people who were cheated on or experienced adultery by a spouse may internalize the experience and feel it was their fault. The injured party might assume they weren't attractive enough or their spouse no longer loves them. Regardless of your spouse's reason for cheating, infidelity is not your fault. 

Although couples infidelity therapy can be a helpful way to address these feelings, you might also try individual therapy to discuss how these actions impacted you. Infidelity can be a traumatic event, causing the betrayed partner to develop mental health challenges such as a stress disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder. Having someone to talk to who is there to support you as an individual might feel safer than attending couples counseling after your spouse has betrayed you. 

How online couples therapy can help

Infidelity can be a tricky situation. If you and your spouse are not living together or struggle to sit in the same room as each other, talking about adultery with an in-person therapist might be difficult. In these cases, online therapy through platforms like BetterHelp might be advantageous.  

With remote counseling, you and your spouse can meet with a therapist through video, phone, or live chat sessions on an online therapy platform. These sessions can be attended from two separate rooms, homes, or locations if you both have an internet connection and a smart device. 

Research has found internet-based therapy beneficial for couples and individuals. One study examined couples' insights during an online video conferencing therapy session. The researchers found that these clients felt more immersed in the therapeutic process and that the distance from the therapist gave them greater control and comfort. Many of these couples found this type of therapy preferable to in-person counseling.